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feeling depressed

depressedme's picture

I really dont know what to do, everything i try seems to make things worse.

I married my dh a few months ago and he has 2 adult children who dont live with us. At first things were good but that was when the kids were battling amongst themselves. Now they are the best of friends i have become a target. I was there for her ,helped her, we cut our holiday short, i wont go on but basically i went out of my way to be helpful to the older one. Then christmas day arrived and the younger one caused so much stress. i was doing all the cooking (again) and she felt like she could turn up when she wanted and behaved stroppily.She tries to control and manipulate our time alot turning up late, cancelling plans at last minute etc. She was rude and the final straw came when she gave dh a present engraved by her mother at her works, it was something i had a strong opinion about not buying and the girls practically laughed in my face that day. On the build up to the wedding i thought id have a breakdown, they changed the reading after me asking months before a week before, then laughed in my face when i stood up for myself. Thats the tip of a huge iceberg, they didnt even get us a wedding card said they had forgot whats the big deal until their grandma pulled them up so they got one for us and put money in as a present.

Since then i have taken a huge step back but now my marriage is sufferening , i feel like i cant win. On one hand if i ask about them my dh says im giving him the third degree if i dont im uncaring. Hes made it clear he feels in the middle and somehow doesnt see their behaviour. Ive thought about a sit down chat with them but think he would take their side and it might make it worse. Ive talked and talked to dh but we end up arguing and then he threatens to leave. Hes not happy i have disengaged. I made an effort 2 weeks ago despite feeling overwhelming anxiety about going out with them, they have asked if im ok as i was quiet (they dont get that their behaviour has made me feeel i cant speak because when i do im laughed at or criticised). The younger one then asked my dh if i hated them because apparently im behaving like i do!!! So i cant win, if i disengage i hatee them if i dont im bullied,used and mistreated. So over it , DH meets them on his own now. What should i do? Im so worried they will find this post so hence being vague.

kelly42's picture

I would spend my time with my hubby and not with his daughters. If hubby is ok with this then fine. If not then I would move on. that drama is not worth the mess. My dh doesnt see his children as angels anymore because i recorded them in the early stages of our outings. his kids pulled that mess with me and i caught them lying on video. set up cameras in the house and do not tell anyone hoping to cath the girls in the act. hopefully your dh will see what u have been trying to inform him all this time.

audio record them without their knowledge. play the innocent victim if need be. I confronted my hubby children and placed them on the spot. I threw their mess back in their face and they couldnt handle it. if he threatens to leave i would tell him BYE because that was wrong on his part.

honestly i wouldnt stay with him if i were you.

sandye21's picture

First of all, go to a counselor who specializes in 'blended families - just you, not your DH. This will give you the self-confidence to set boundaries with SDs and DH. The counselor will also give you an answer for your DH if he wants to know why you do not want to be around the skids.

When the skids were asking if you were OK they were carefully watching for your reaction. It probably gave them a thrill to know they got to you. Many of us have been through this. The hate for a SM bonds them together. Let DH visit them on his own for now. Don't ask about them. If he says anything about them change the subject. Don't get caught in any arguments about it, just say you don't wish to discuss it.

Your DH is in the middle because he placed himself there rather than inform SDs that you are to be respected as his wife. He may be also throwing you under the bus so he looks like a hero to his kids.

The good thing is that this marriage has only been for a few months. Don't hesitate to leave if you are still placed in no-win situations like you have been. If he threatens to leave again tell him not to let the door hit him on the butt on the way out. My DH did this too and I responded, "So leave." He hasn't threatened to leave in a long time.

So So Step Mom's picture

I think getting blended family counseling is a great idea! I would suggest that the two of you go together, so that you can learn together how to work together. Very often men have not developed the mechanics of being parents, and you're being put into a new role as SM that is very different from being a BM. You both can use some tips from a pro to get this right as part of the development of your relationship as married.

No need to wait till this ship is wrecked on the rocks to get help. Get professional help now to help you avoid the rocks.

depressedme's picture

thankyou ladies for your kind advice. I have rang a counsellor just waiting for a call back to make a date. I think your right about throwing me under a bus. I did say to him last night well leave then. He said hes fed up of discussing it , i feel so alienated, he sees im just being critical and takes that as personal to him. I think they know they have got to me, hes sees them asking as though they care, whn in reality i think like you say its a voctory for them to see me hurt. They only issue that bothered him was the wedding thing and he wont take anything else on board, i guess because it affected him too. Hes a kind caring man but when it comes to this hes not supportive.When i tell him whats going on in front of him he says i didnt see that or denies it happened eg when i walk into a room and say hello they ignore me, until i say it a few times. Thankyou x

hurtingbad.13's picture

I just can't believe the blinders men put on where their kids are concerned. I am at my wit's end.

depressedme's picture

yes they dont see things that happen right in front of them funny isnt it. Eccept its not, i feel like he doesnt have my back.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I felt the same way. These guys are afraid of losing their daughters. Throw some gkids into the mix, and they are even more afraid. They have a blood line with their children that cannot be broken. They are more afraid of losing their children than their replaceable wives. But they forget how easy it is for us to call an attorney.

My own DH took me for granted until I was ready to hang it up. Then he saw the consequence was he could actually lose his wife.

DH admitted to me that he thought if he treated us all the same that everything would work out. I think these DHs try to appease everyone and keep everyone happy. But no one is signing up for equal treatment. Not the SD, not the wife. So no one is happy.

depressedme's picture

do you feel you are thrown in the same box as them? I feel like they think im another sibling or he does, not his wife whose his equal?

SacrificialLamb's picture

I don't know what box I felt I was thrown into. It just didn't feel like the "wife" box until I got fed up with it.

I wish Peacemaker would join this forum; she has a wonderful way of explaining things. She would likely say that your skids were allowed to sit in the seat of authority alongside your DH. You came along and your position removed the skids from the seat of authority. You didn't replace them as his kids, but you replaced a seat they should have never occupied in the first place. Daddy knows he should not have just played buddy to his kids, so he has guilt feelings that they probably feel replaced (mine did, they told him).

I doubt they view you as another sibling. They view you as competition for daddy's attention and money.

BeverlyKay's picture

I'm new to site and I'm learning I'm Not alone which is good but it's also so sad how many are going through horrible heartbreaking rejection... ok first question, Do All men make excuses or not hear or see their children's behavior? Or do they see it but ignore it because they want everyone to get along and No drama?

notasm3's picture

I think it is usually futile to try to convince a parent that their child has faults. Even if they know it - they do not want to have to admit it.

I do not waste my breathe telling DH what an absolute sh*t SS31 is. DH almost certainly would get defensive, etc. No good would come from it.

My preferred course of action is just to avoid SS, his GF and their baby. They just do not exist in my life. I opened the door a crack a few months ago, got seriously burnt, so now they are just people who exist elsewhere. I have no more to do with them than some family in China.

My exact words to DH were "Just keep them away from me." I did NOT further elaborate on the "why". I have not said one word about DH going to see them. He's free to spend time with them. Just not in my home. They have a home - he can visit with them there.

Your SDs are not worth one second of your time. And if your DH cannot accept that - then neither is he.

depressedme's picture

thankyou all for you amazing replies. Its weird isnt it do they all go to the same school of stepkidding? TIve been reading the boards for a while now and everyones stories seem so familiar. I feel really guilty at the moment as grandchilds in hospital, and as a kind caring person id normally visit and take a present. Saying that dh went on his own and never asked if i wanted to go, which is good. But i feel like it will be turned back on me, im supposed to give without question and in return be treated like im invisible, in fact thats how i feel, invisible and mocked. I know im in a lose lose situation and to save my marriage i need to disengage. They will never have any insight into how they behave, nor will dh, but i fear their treatment of me is so by pulling back they can go see shes a right bitch, i think thats what they want so will feel validated if that makes sense?

But thankyou again ladies, it means alot for everyone of you to reply. If i didnt have amazing friends in real life i think id be rocking in a corner x

SacrificialLamb's picture

You will always be wrong even without a kid in the hospital.

I used to do so much for DHs gkids. It was NEVER appreciated.

sammigirl's picture

This game your SD is playing is titled jealousy and passive aggression.

Please seek help for your depression. It is something that is very personal and nobody understands the depression you are feeling. You will have a long road with fighting depression without help. This site did it for me; but sometimes a counselor, in addition to venting here and reading here, will top it off. Don't hesitate to put yourself first and do this for YOU.

I fight depression every day for different reasons, only I understand. I will not let my depression win. No way. I disengaged from my grown SD eight years ago, disengagment took away 50% of my depression and I work on the other 50% as it begins to creep it's way into my mind.

Depression is a killer and you have to take hold of it with all the strength you have and will every means that you can think up.

((((hugs)))))