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Don't let toxic people take you away from those who really matter.

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

I just got a job in my career field. I have really worked all of my working age life except for the last 4 years. I had worked in a factory full time before my first career job, which I ended up spending 7 years in. Anyways had decided to go back to college and that lead me to the career that I am now starting next week. Before I got this job offer I was an at home mom/student for 4 years. I was able to spend all sorts of time with my little girls, so I thought. I do have a point for writing about this but before I go on I want you all to know that I am excited about this job.

My issue: I have found myself depressed on the inside, I havent really told anyone this since I got the job offer. On the outside I am very happy, on the inside though, I am so torn up about one thing. I figure maybe sharing this will help others to not do what I did. I let my SD rent so much space in my head and take up so much of my time for the last 4 years. The 4 years I was or should have been only focusing on my daughters. If you dont know what my SD did to DH and I and our girls for these 4 years please refer to my bookmarks and read. I just dont feel to rehash it over agian. My point is that I am now not going to EVER have that time back for my daughters. Its over now. Yes I can make good use of my weekends and my evenings with them but its a whole different ball game when you work full time then it is when you are an at home mom. My job was to take care of them and instead I focused my energy on trying to save a little spoiled brat who didnt give a rats ass what her father and I sacrificed. My heart is broken, I will not let myself dwell on it forever, I will make use of my time away from work and give as much of it to my girls as I can BUT I would die to have those 4 years back to truly give them a happy, healthier mom then what they had. I am lucky, they still love me, they still think I am the greatest mom in the world but I what I feel on the inside now is different.
Please, if you have bios and you have toxic skids or family in your life right now, do not let those toxic people take you away from being who you want to be to your bios. Don't make the same mistake I did. It will only lead you to regretting things. I am going through a bit of depression but after these four years I know it will pass in about a week so for now I will just continue to stay up at night (can't sleep) and watch my daughters sleep, shed my tears and move on with life. My girls are my world and I will NEVER let anyone take that from me again.

I have learned so much in therapy and have come so far to the point where I have learned to set boundaries. For example, my oldest SD graduates college on my daughters birthday, I told her I will be there to watch her get her diploma but I will be having a party for her at a later date. I will not partake in the after celebration because I will not tolorate being around SD19 or DH's side of the family (DH feels the same way) or her BM who talks nice to our faces and then talks shit behind our backs. I am done with toxic people. I said it nice to her so she wouldnt think anything bad of it, just told her why dont you celebrate with your mom and everyone that night and then DH will have something for her later in the summer when she graduates academy. She was fine with this.

I went off topic in that last paragraph (needed to get that off my chest I guess) but my point is what I said, remember who is truly important and focus more of your attention on those people. Toxic people do not deserve a space in your life. I dont like the way I feel inside, my friends probably wonder why I am not answering the phone or talking to them, its just because I am so hurt deep down. I need to pull myself out of this depression because I have 6 days to enjoy every minute at home with my girls and then its time to work till retirement. Again though, very happy I got this job, great hours to work around the girls schooling when they are both in school (going to be hard letting go of my 3 year old for daycare during the day but we will survive lol), great benefits, right here in town, get my own office for the first time in my life!, and the pay could be a tad better but its not horrible and has plenty of room for growth and higher pay at this company. Will be working with people that have all types of disabilities.

I just wish I would not have taken those 4 years away from my daughers and myself. They didnt deserve to be put on the back burner for someone who didnt give a rats ass about DH, myself or our daughters. All I can do from this is learn and make every moment I can count for my kids. Since I have disengaged totally, in the last month my girls have said to me how fun I am and how much they love me and my 8 year old has really started talking about the hurt she experienced through out our dealings with SD19. My heart breaks that I was so blind about it and just kept giving my all to SD19. I guess I took for granted my at home mom status and thought I have time to make up to them. I was wrong but it doesnt mean I cant keep moving forward and putting it behind me.

Thank you for listening and I hope this helped some of you. I mainly wanted to write this because well I am down right now but also I dont want someone else to go through this. If you are, do what it takes to get yourself away from the toxcity. I know its not easy, I still everyday have that fear of her calling us or stopping by. Some of you have to live with your toxic person. All I am saying is do what it takes to focus on the ones that matter.

sixteensmom's picture

Amen. This is a wonderful and thoughtful post. I'm sorry you let SD in your head for 4 years but as they say... everything happens for a reason and this wake up will put persepctive around who you spend time on and who you don't, for the rest of your life. Congratulations!

sandye21's picture

Thanks for the words. And congratulations on your job. I agree - toxic people are emotional vampires. If you allow them, they suck all of warmth and good energy out of you. I read a very good book recently on narcissistic mothers but it could apply to any person who is trying to sap the life out of you. The author recommended making lists. If we were to apply this to a SD, we would make the first list of the ideal SD such as: "I would want a SD who would respect me in my home" or "I would want a SD who cleaned up after herself." The next list would be a list of things you have missed out on such as: "Being at ease in my house" or "Reiprocal gift giving." The thrid list would be an "I am" list: "I am loving", "I am honest." Read and re-read these lists every day, and be sure to write down your feelings. It really helps. I have realized that neither my mom or SD are going to change, but that I can.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

You are right! Glad therapy helped you get over your depression.
Having a good job also helps to remove the "renters" in your head. Evict them!
Let's live in the moment, without regretting or fretting.

Thank you for your post. Enjoy the new chapter in your lives!

peacemaker's picture

...wish I would have gotten this advice 26 years ago...One of my biggest regrets in Life was to give them so much space and attention...They are just a small portion of my entire life...Since I disengaged 7 months ago...I have e-captured so many special relationships with people I love, and people who respect me...I have gained back so much self respect and finally found myself again...I can't believe I let them abuse Me and my children for such a long time...All I can say is thank you for this post...It just affirms that I am not a selfish person for wanting peace and love as a culture in my personal space...where I have the right to pursue happiness...and I say who can and cannot be in that space...

I do not regret moving on....

I am free...

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Thank you for all your comments and I am glad that I made some sort of difference. Its not easy going through hell that's for sure. There is no selfishness in disengaging, I had to and am still be tested on learning this. Today was a BIG TEST for DH and I.

SD19 called DH today to tell him she had her baby. I think just about every emotion and every test was put on us today. I let my guard down and it brought me to my knees and I am so not happy with myself but I let some of that emotion show in front of my girls today. I was sad, mad, everything rolled into one (Don't get me wrong, very happy to hear the baby is healthy and SD is ok) but anyways it was just a call to let us know, we found out later the ONLY reason she called was because her Mom made her. So she is still not sorry for all the hell. What pissed me off so bad was the hurt she has put on us and she will regret this someday as her child grows to not know us.

I only let the pain show for a bit though, I made myself and it was so hard, get up and get on with the day. I had previously planned to take the girls to church and go to this pizza place after that has an arcade. They were looking forward to this and DH and I were going to cancel because it just wasn't a good day. I changed, I thought of my girls and how my 8 year old was upset that SD had a baby but kept the whole pregnancy from her(my 8 year old) and never even called her, skyped her, anything, all this was coming out of my babies mouth and that she did not want to see the baby unless she was invited to and she was not going to invite herself. That broke me, I got up put myself together and got ready, took them to church and the pizza/arcade place and let them have fun. DH is now in the room with DD8 playing the Wii with her and they are having a blast. I am in DD3's room and she is playing kitchen and cooking me up something. I will not let this tear us apart again.

What I am saying is there will be road bumps its like the toxic people know when you are starting to get better and then they strike again (heard something like this from a friend) its so true. You just gotta keep moving on. Don't let it take you down anymore no matter how much emotion happens out of it. Our loved ones, the ones that truly love us need us the most, not the toxic ones. Don't give in to them. Let them go, set yourself free. Its a work in progress for me but its not easy all the time.

peacemaker's picture


Rags's picture

Focusing on positive change and successful performance makes all of the difference in the world. Congratulations on you new career, your academic accomplishments and on rededicting your focus on your family.

Do not sweat SD-19s toxic crap or her unfortunate situation. Focus on your marriage and your family and raising your two girls to viable adulthood.

Living well is the best revenge against the toxic dipshits in our lives even when they are dipshits that we care about.

Good luck and be happy.

momof5_1969's picture

First off, I just want to remind you don't parent your girls or your other child now out of guilt. Still be the parent, but instead make time for just them. I did that with my daughter -- we had a date night every week she was with me, and I made a point of spending one-on-one quality time with her -- taking her to concerts, out to dinner, movies, coffee, etc. You see my point? You can start all of this now -- now that you are starting your new job (congrats btw!) you will have to be more intentional with your time.

If it's a choice of spending time with your kids vs. skids, always choose your kids. It sounds like skids are not deserving of any time you would spend with them, let alone appreciate it -- why throw your pearls before swine (so to speak).

I used to bust my hump trying to please my skids, and do things for them (special) -- to NEVER be appreciated. So why bust my hump? I'm not doing it anymore. In fact, I rarely have any communication with them at all now that they have all moved out (thank you JESUS!) I prayed for peace in my home -- and God moved them ALL out! There was NEVER going to be peace in our home as long as the four of them were here at all. So goodbye and good riddance. I spend as little time with them as possible -- they call their Dad (my DH) only, and very rarely me. In fact, usually when they call me -- I just don't answer. Why? Why would I? They have made it plain as day that they hate me -- why would I put myself through any of that for them? I won't. Not anymore.

You have to forgive yourself for the last four years for whatever you feel like you've done. Make a choice to forgive the skids (not for them, but for you) because they will "rent" less space in your head once forgiveness has taken place. I've realized that just because I've forgiven someone does not mean that I have to allow them in my life. If they are toxic they need limited time with you, and for you to not feel bad about it.

All the best to you!!

elle94's picture

I always liked this Dr. Seuss quote about "Be yourself, and those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."