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Its been a while since I posted: Update

Igiveupsotornupinside's picture

Its been a while so I thought I would send an update to those who used to follow me on here. Alot has happened since the last time I posted. If you dont know my original stories you can check them out in my bookmarks. For starters my step daughter had her baby, healthy baby girl and after a month of having her decided to apologize and asked to be back in our lives. Of course we took her back, this is a girl I loved from the time she was 7 years old. She had turned to drugs and went down the wrong path but I figured (Well my gut said) the baby is either going to change her or its not. Well the baby did change her so far and taking her back was not an issue since this is the first time she has apologized sincerely and giving her a chance was the right thing to do. She is doing really well with the baby and seems to have grown up quite a bit, still not sure about the boyfriend but not a big deal since we only have to see her. She has come to visit us and we have visited her. I am starting to think that her having this baby young has saved her. We will see through out time as I am taking this cautiously. I wont let her take me to the ground again. She has been quite wonderful with me actually, talking to me the way she used to and even saying things to me about how she thinks its wrong that for the entire time I was a step mom, I was the one who got blamed for everything, that I am and have always been a great mom and never deserved any of that from her, her sister or her mother. Anyways things are good and its nice the my husband gets to see his grand daughter. I feel she is mine too but I take it slow because I know at any point she could pull the baby from us and use it as a pawn and I pray she never does that, my gut says she wont but you never know and personally this experience losing her for that time has made me a different person now. I have been broken and I wont be again.

As far as my health, its wierd, you would think since our family is back together, my family being myself, hubby and our 4 daughters and granddaughter that I would be getting better but I am not totally better yet. I am smarter and have done many things to change my life and try to fix the anxiety and panic attacks but I am not there yet. I have been seeing a christian therapist for some time now and I love her. I have been reading self help books (could do better on that, recently been so busy I forget to read or excersise). I still will have panic attacks and I hate them, they usually last all day (yes I am on meds for them) but the thing that makes it hard is having that disease (which thankfully is out of my system now) combined with going through the trauma I went through with losing our daughter (my step daughter) watching my own kids fall apart and almost getting a divorce a few times has really just broken me. I ended up getting what is called debilitating panic (I am sure I have mentioned that before). My doctor told me with all that I went through combined with 8 months of doctors not being able to figure out what I had and telling me things like you might have cancer, your heart needs to be checked out, you might have MS...ect...all ignoring the numbers for the tick borne disease (which took 2 years to leave my blood) that all that woke up the sleeping dragon in me and now I have to learn how to put it back to sleep. Interesting perspective I know but I get it. I deal with it alot, I have really bad balance issues when I get paniked. I dont know if it was the disease or the anxiety that caused the off balance issues but thinking it was the panic/anxiety due to the disease being out of my blood and the panic still lingering around. Anyways I am a ways from getting better but I have made huge improvements.

We are still currently not on speaking terms with his (DHs) side of the family, they still are being arsholes. They are the type that will never apologize so if we want them back in our lives we will need to make the first move and frankly we are not ready for that, how dare they come inbetween parents who are just trying to teach tough love.

I am working now and I love my job, not fully fullfilled yet as its not social work and I want social work, its what I am paying student loans back on and feel that I should use my degree because that is where I feel I am meant to be. Either way though I am working and this is after my doctors have told me I could get disability for having debilitating panic....I REFUSE that, I want to work, I want to make a difference in other peoples lives. I also plan to one day when I have all this figured out and am not suffering in the debilitating sense plan to start a life group at my church. I love my church, if it werent for them and God, my kids, my hubby and this forum and the wonderful friend who I can not live with out now that I met on here (yes I have met someone here) she is very important in my life. Anyways if it werent for all that I dont know where I would be today. My life group, not sure what I am going to call it, will be one that helps others who suffer anxiety and panic attacks. I want to reach out and help people but first I need to continue to help myself get better, I cant fully help someone until I got it under control. I dont think I will fully get rid of it but I will someday beable to handle it, I can feel myself getting closer and closer to that.
Anyways, my other step daughter has remained in our lives through this whole process and I am pretty proud of her too, she is graduating from college this month! So happy for her. I am proud of the step daughter who strayed for being a good mom to her baby and trying her best, I am proud of my little bio girls, they are doing wonderful and my bio girls are truly my little blessings. They definitely are the big reason I am still here today. I have learned to be a mother first to them over anything and anyone else and it is wonderful. They need a mom and I will never stop being one to them, they didnt need the person who was falling apart daily, chasing someone who didnt want me in their lives at that time, they needed a mom and I have shown them that I am still here and I plan to put them first no matter what. I thank God everyday for the. Most of all I owe the man upstairs a thank you for leading me through this mess and keeping me as sane as he could keep me lol. I swear there were days I thought I was going to die. Anyways thought I would make an update. Thanks for reading.