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Do I stay or do I go?????

jojosgma's picture

I am really confused!! I have some serious issues in my marriage and don't know if it is time to move on or stick with it and try to communicate with my husband and work it out. I have made the decision to cut ties with my step son and his wife. This decision was made after repeated abuse and having my husbands granddaughter withheld for months at a time, I feel that anyone that uses their child for leverage in a disagreement is a disgusting POS and I have already grieved the loss of that child. My husband has made amends with them and just expects me to be ok with everything like nothing ever happened, when I told him I want nothing to do with them, he just invites them over without even consulting with me first. They are now expecting a second child that I refuse to get involved with, I know it is not the childs fault but I have to protect myself I don't ever want to be hurt like that again, it was very hard on me to let go of my Husband's granddaughter I adore her. I feel this is going to be a big issue for the rest of my life! Dealing with these two is impossible they are irrational and crazy. I just don't want to deal with all of this! My husband is very controlling and I know he may act like it is all ok and he will visit them or have them come over when I am not home but eventually he is going to expect me to just get over it. That is another issue is his controlling behavior, he has no friends or social life and expects me to be the same. He tells me what to do like I am a five year old and he is terrible with money, does not work, he feels his retirement income from the military is sufficient and hasn't had study work since he got out of the army while I work two jobs six and sometimes seven days a week. My husband is not all bad he has some good qualities but the bad is really starting to outweigh the good, and this situation just bothers me to no end! The resentment I am building up is getting the best of me! I went into this marriage with the divorce is not an option mentality, but I am finding myself wanting out more and more, I would definitely be better off financially on my own, I feel like I will never have a peaceful happy life in this situation. :?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Hugs. What you're dealing with definitely can't be easy. I think the question you need to ask yourself is: Can I live one more moment of this precious life I was given, that which I only have one of, the way that I have been living it? Would I look back and feel I wasted it if I continue to live as I have?

That then, is your answer.

(And yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you that someone who with-holds a child as a manipulation tactic is the biggest pos this universe so unkindly shat out.)

hoopjumper's picture

Ask him to leave, if you are doing all the work. Change the locks and put his clothes in suitcases when he is out. If he wants back in he will have to negotiate. Maybe he wants your relationship to end and this is why he doesn't care how you feel.

jojosgma's picture

Thanks not2sure! I know you are 100% right. Life really is short, sometimes you just have to cut your losses,I really do love my Husband but I am not stupid enough to think I can change him he is the most stubborn person I have ever met in my life. I have always put his feelings before my own, I think the only reason I am still there is I know he cant afford to live in our home without my income and I feel guilty leaving him in that position. Does it sound weird but I would really like to keep him for a f*&% buddy lol. I appreciate your comment, it really is so simple.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Lol well, you go get'em girl. Although if you're gonna go through all that energy and money to keep a man and be a sugar momma, why not get a hotter one with better stamina? You'll probably be spending the same amount of money anyway.

jojosgma's picture

Butthead is an understatement notasm! I really suffer from my past I gave up on my first marriage too easily and I live with that guilt which is why I think I put up with so much in this marriage, I don't want to be a two time divorcee, but I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either. I just know that this is not a decision to be made lightly and it is a toughy!

still learning's picture

"I don't want to be a two time divorcee..." Why not? Do you think people will judge you? I've been divorced twice. First husband took off, cut off all the money, left me with our 4 small children so he (in his own words)"could see me suffer." Second husband, again controlling, filed for divorce after I had taken care of him for 2 1/2 years during his health crisis told me that "just because we're getting divorced doesn't mean we won't fall in love again." I was stunned to say the least, didnt see that one coming. Third husband is not controlling, just a horrible enabler, feels guilty and responsible for everything and tries to band aid it by throwing money at the guilter.

Life happens, divorce happens. It's actually very common in these kind of situations. As several above said, life is too short to be miserable.

Aeron's picture

I guess I look at this as why are you willing to financially support someone that is controlling and will expect you to just get over being abused? It sounds like he is capable of working but chooses not to so I wouldn't feel at all bad about leaving him to fend for himself. If his retirement income truly is enough, he will find a way to swing it. If not, why is the onus on you to support him?

He doesn't sound like a particularly good, supportive husband. I have a personal bias against allowing myself to be involved with controlling people - I would not stick around for that regardless of the other circumstances. Add to that the daddy idea of just get over the kids rotten behavior, pretend everything is fine, suck it up buttercup attitude while you work your butt off..... Yeah, I don't see the redeeming nature of this relationship as a relationship. You're being used and it doesn't sound like he's even grateful for it. I wouldn't waste my time on him.

furkidsforme's picture

Why don't you just disengage and not care if your DH has a relationship with his child and his grandchild?

I don't mean to sound callous, and full disclosure I have no kids and don't want any..... that said, I can't figure out why you care so damn much! The kid is NOT your grandchild. Period. So don't get all attached and don;t put these unreasonable expectations on people who aren't your family members to accept you and treat you as a beloved family member! You simply aren't!

Maybe SS does not WANT you to play the role of Grandma. Maybe he sees you as Dad's wife and that is good enough for him. Maybe he would respect you more and treat you better if you weren't demanded so much of this relationship with him.

You don't state what the horrid abuse allegedly was, but I get a sense that it revolves around SS not "respecting" you. So what if he doesn't? No reason that your DH should cut his grown son out of his life.

BethAnne's picture

Does your husband know how miserable you are feeling and that it is so bad you are contemplating divorce? What is he willing to do to try to help restore your relationship to full health? If the two of you can commit to finding a middle ground and a way forward then there may be hope. If he won't do anything then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to live in this situation that you know isn't going to change from his end.

IslandGal's picture

Goddamn! Dtzy nailed it .. again!!!

I agree 100% with EVERYTHING she's said here!!

I would absolutely divorce my husband (doesn't matter if it's my 1st or my 10th), if he wasn't supporting our family and yet had the audacity to try to control ME?? oh FUCK NO!!

He is also allowing his kids to disrespect you - and THAT is a no no!!

SugarSpice's picture

drzy us on target again.

i am going through what you are describing.

when the good outweighs the bad its time to move on. the fact you are questioning says volumes. find out if the scraps of life will be enough for you. in time it will wear down your self esteem to nothing.

take my word it will happen.

put yourself first.

Dunwiththem's picture

You go.

Overit1960's picture

I'm not seeing any reasons to stay, based upon what your wrote. Just having some good qualities, and not being all bad, NAH. Not enough.

Dtzy nailed a few posts before mine. I totally understand about toxicity and SS. It's like the weight of the world, and add to that a husband who is not supportive and helpful to you, OMG I would pack it up and go. And you will be financially better off! Your hubby will be cryin' in his beer without you to work for him and do his bidding.