Disengage or Not?
Looking for some advice here - looks to be an understanding crowd!
I married DH when SD was three years old (she's 33 now), so she's known me basically her entire life. I have always supported DH's relationship with her - in fact, I am the one who has always bought birthday presents, arranged visits and vacations - all in the interest in DH having a good relationship with SD and for SD to have a good relationship with our other two kids. I will note that SD's BM was never the nicest of people and DH would never rock the boat with her for fear of her withholding SD from him.
Everything was pretty good until about five years ago when SD decided to to cut me off completely - I became persona non grata and evidently the root of all that is wrong in the world. To be fair, she has cut off quite a few family members at the slightest of offenses, like not doting on her to her liking or holding her accountable for bad behavior. It's hard to tell what I did wrong, I must have looked at her wrong or something. And just as it was with SD's BM, DH will not confront SD or stand up for me for fear SD withholding his access to her children (DH's grandchildren).
So my question is - do I just disengage completely or kill her with kindness? I really want to disengage, but SD will see this as a huge victory, so I kind of hate to give that to her. It would be painful, but I also could just act like I didn't notice that she is being so awful, but then she isn't held accountable (and neither is DH). The good news is that she doesn't live near us, so I don't have to be around her very often. But with the holidays coming up, I need a strategy.
Thanks in advance for your advice!
Disengage and surely she
Disengage and surely she doesn't expect to come to your house for the holidays. Disengagement is for you, not her.
I think you're right -
I think you're right - disengaging would be best for me. It's just so frustrating that nobody will hold her accountable and instead actually enable her behavior. I need to just let it go...
My Thoughts
I'm way past "killing with kindness." I've been disengaged from DHs kids for 5 years. I was clear with everyone in no uncertain terms as to why. I'll eventually be around them again...but on my terms. As of now, DH sees his adult kids away from our marital home (boundary set in counseling). I don't ask questions and know very little about his kids. 12 years of hell was enough for this girl.
So, first and foremost....do not give a second thought to what the SD will think, feel or win. This is about YOU and YOU being mistreated. Take care of YOU. Move into the "civil and superficial" mode. Treat her like the cashier checking you out. (Great advice from a pastor friend of mine). You say hello, have a good day, etc but you don't get personal with the cashier and you don't want to get personal with her...regarding her life or yours.
As for disengagement, jump on the bandwagon! STOP doing things for her and her kids. She has parents. Pass the gift buying on to your DH - how you choose to handle it is your business. You can be blunt...describe the situation and you are no longer going to take her crap treatment...or you can fake busy and "ask" him to get the gifts. When she is going to be in your home, invite additional people (friends or family) and focus your attention on them and your DH and your kids. If you send cards for birthdays or other ocassions, pass that to your DH, too. Pretty much, anything you do for her, stop and let your DH do it. It's his kid and he won't stand up to her nasty treatment of you, then put the work on his back.
Best to you. It's a song and dance for awhile but once you get into steady disengagement, it's a geat place to be!
Question: Does your DH see her crap behavior at least???? And as Petspoiler said above, why does she even come if she's going to be a biotch? Maybe dear ole dad can take her and his grands out to dinner for Christmas and save the celebration for the nice people. SMH
"Treat her like the cashier".
"Treat her like the cashier"...that's great, but that even sounds hard. DH sees how she treats me and I think truly appreciates all I've done, but he's not willing to intervene. I think this year I'll just let DH figure out the gifts and cards. I know SD will just use that as further evidence that I am the problem, but whatever. Damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
It's Much The Same
as Grey Rocking. I've been researching Grey Rock approach for a while and I'm ready. Like I said, civil but superficial. Nothing deep. DH's kids have done enough horrible stuff to me that it's an easy job. I'm just done. In my world, these people would not even be able to put a toe into my space but because they are DHs kids, well...they will have to be in my world. But on MY terms.
Get yourself to the place where you really don't give a care about what she thinks. Another thing I learned. The people that know me and love me know the truth. The ones who chose to believe lies about me were really never friends and don't matter anyway. Don't give her any unnecessary head space.
Grey Rock Approach
I'm new to the forum and step kid issues. Still learning the abbreviations here so bear with me. My husband and I have been together for 6 years married for 1. Have always had an okay relationship with both SD's. The youngest lives at home and lately, as her dad prepares to retire and we prepare to do some winter traveling around the US, has been scheming and manipulating her sister into believing they are losing their dad to me. The insane stuff she has come up with just blows my mind. She is planning to move to another state and has said to me "we talked about it and we want Dad to live between us, equaL distance as mush as possible between (her sister) and I". We had a family meeting and as it turns out I'm the evil step monster destroying their lives, steeling their dad and cutting them Out of his life... I need to disengage, be pleasant, superficial and offer nothing to her. Total indifference... so long story short what is the grey rock approach?
Incredible! Is she going to
Incredible! Is she going to take you to court so you can duke it out to get custody of your husband? LOL
I suggest you start your own thread with your story - I'm sure there'd be lots of useful advice.
Grey Rock
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock
Many STalkers have had success with this method. Though the only way to truly end the abuse is to leave or purge the abuser form your life.
I would suggest that you inform DH that either he ends the problem, or he and the problem will be gone. Then follow through based on DH's actions.
So what if she thinks she
So what if she thinks she "wins" if you disengage? You stopped playing the game so it's a pretty empty "win."
The relationship she and DH have is up to THEM. Get out of it, stop buying the gifts, don't make the plans, etc. My DH forgets his kids' and grands' birthdays, and I am sure I am blamed for that, but so what. If he can't be bothered to put dates on a calendar for HIS family, why should I?
Your life becomes less toxic.
A less toxic, and more
A less toxic, and more peaceful life would be great.
Grey rock
Look it up. It's a middle ground between complete disengagement and 'killing them with kindness'.
Middle ground of grey rock is a good place, in my opinion.
That's My Plan
When I decide to re-engage with DHs kids, it's GREY ROCK all the way.
GREY ROCK all the way. This
GREY ROCK all the way. This is great.
Yep
Best way forward, I think. Good luck, Kaycee!! Hope things improve for you!!
Since you don't have to deal
Since you don't have to deal with her much.. I would disengage.. but when you are forced to interract.. I would be nice.. like the nice you are to that coworker at work you don't like but have to get along with for the sake of your job.. and it makes them look bad if they are outright rude.. lol
Thank goodness for distance!
It makes disengaging so much easier. If you don't ask about your SD, or if you quickly change the subject if DH brings her up, then she should become nothing more than an occassional blip on your radar screen which will quickly fade away.
As far as the holidays, does she come and visit? If so, then you let DH make all the plans to include meals, gifts, etc. Don't be proactive about anything let him figure it all out. If SD and her brood comes to your home, then you find ways to be conveniently absent as much as possible. If you can't actually leave the house (to visit a friend, to do errands, to go to work) you can always claim you are coming down with a "bug" and need to isolate in your room so as not to spread it around.
As others have mentioned, do the distant stranger dance when it comes to communication. Give a polite hello, a superficial smile and don't engage in any conversation other than what you would with any stranger you come across. If you are asked anything directly by SD respond politely, briefly, and don't engage in further discussion.
Disengage and when she claims
Disengage and when she claims your the problem just tell everyone you're respectjng her boundries.
That's fantastic -
That's fantastic - disengaging at her request. I'm sure it will come back to bite me somehow, but whatever.
My thoughts
Killing them with kindness never works on toxic people. They twist and use it against you. I know for me when I tried that with snot nosed ex SD I ended up feeling worse.
Disengagement will be your BFF.
Lady you are too kind and loving to waste time on a SD who will never reciprocate.
Blessings
Thank you
I know you're right, becuase I've tried it over and over. It's just a shame that ADULT people can't act like ADULTS. My SD also refuses to have contact with my DH's father (her grandfather) who is the nicest man in the world - the reason is that she thought the Christmas presents he gave her children weren't of the same value as what he gave other grandchildren. This was years ago and it was enough for her to cut him off completely. Will come into to town and not even consider stopping to say hello. He has not idea what he did wrong - and NOBODY but me will address it and call her out. It's like I'm in this alternate reality. Ugh. Thanks for listening!
HUN
Toxic folks do have an "alternate reality" they really do. You cant talk reasonable into unreasonable people. Its wasting your time.
If thats what she does to cut dear ol gramps off she is just nuts. I sure hope grandpa knows the reason and not to beat his head against the wall as to why.
HIS KID
Dh's problem.
Disengagement is your friend. Shake hands with it, exchange phone numbers, invite over for lunch, maybe a glass of wine.
Im very much disengaged from SD23 Feral Forger. Ive been around for 8 plus years, and am starting to disengage from SD16 Pouty Mc Power Sulk. Its hard and its work, because we WANT to have a positive relationship and disengagement causes stress, but its better than twisting yourself into a pretzel to make SD happy with you again.
Yeah...totally DH's problem.
Yeah...totally DH's problem. He's handled this poorly from the very beginning and after 30 years I think I am finally realizing that neither he nor his mom (a huge SD enabler in my opinion) will ever stand up for me. They are both afraid that SD will cut them off, and are totally okay if I suffer as a consequence. She's really been a brat all along, but what once was cute to them has turned into a huge problem - but (in my opinion) they are weak and choose to look the other way. I know DH wants a happy marriage, but it's increasingly hard for me to understand how he can reconcile this. I firmly believe that if he had been an actual parent to SD all along (instead of letting his guilt allow her bad behavior), we wouldn't be in this situation. But she is 33 years old and isn't going to change. Tapping out will be hard because I know I will be talked about as the immature one who didn't take the high road, but I need to salvage my mental health. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not the only one going through this...
Meet your sister
Disengage have noting to do with her she will never change and never see her wrongdoing it will always be about her and she will always be the victim ,she will use her kids against their grandad and make him feel guilty and if going by my experience the Bm prob did the same to your hubby so she didnt lick it off the floor .
Ive been disengaging for years but 2 years ago SD theres two 33 and 30 both turned on their dad and he hasent spoken to them since and to be honest he seems the better off it but like that he he hasent seen granchildren in over 2 years although their was a new addition to one of their familys .
Nomatter what you do or dont do it will be your fault anyway so stop wrecking your head over SD your fighting a loosing battle trust me things will never get better
Same Story
Sounds like we have the same story. There have been periods of time that SD doesn't speak to DH and I hate to say it, but those are my happiest times because she isn't causing tension. Of course it's usually short lived as he trips over himself to get back in her good graces as soon as she decides to talk to him again. It's pathetic. She says jump and he says how high?. And yes, SD's mom did the same thing. I'm over it.
I would disengage. Life is
I would disengage. Life is too short to deal with petty people like that. I wouldn't look at disengaging as a win for her but rather a win for you! You protecting yourself from her toxic behavior is a win for you. She loses because it sounds like you were very nice and kind to her.
I'm sorry she is treating you this way. I wonder what set her off? SD's behavior makes me sad for everyone, including her. I'll never understand people like that.