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DH still thinks I can fix my relationship with SD!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

So here we go again. DH wanted to talk about SD yesterday, because we are moving away he is worried SD will never come to visit, since I disengaged. He wants me to try to re-engage. We will be 2 hours away from SD (at the beach), so in the summer he expects her to come for some weekends with her kids. I would only put up with her once or twice all summer, I think he expects her to come up a LOT!

Right now she has had run of the guest cottage which is being sold, so she is boo hooing all over the place. But where will me and your Gkids stay daddeee???? Not to mention the inheritance issue. If we put the cottage and city home money into one home, she is worried about her inheritance. She always figured she would get the cottage.

Anyway, DH said he "thinks the marriage may not work if I don't fix this". I said well then it won't if that is your priority. I said, as long as SD is your priority things will never work out. Let go of the first family fantasy and move on.

SD can rent a cottage when she visits. Her visiting her dad and having a summer home is NOT MY PROBLEM. Nor should it be DH's. I am getting tired again of the BS.

I am really having second thoughts about making this major move, as will most likely have to give up a job I LOVE and friends and community I am attached to. I really feel lost right now. This emotional roller coaster ride is making me sick. :sick:

stepinafrica's picture

Do not sacrifice the life you have since this man is clearly not ready to make you a priority. Children are a number one responsibility, they are NOT a number one priority. Spouses should be the top priority.

And since this 'child' is actually an adult, she is not anyone's responsibility. DO NOT MOVE!

Onefootout's picture

Stepinafrica,

"Children are a number one responsibility, they are NOT a number one priority. Spouses should be the top priority."

I've always been looking for a statement like this. I know my SO would never go for the part about "Spouses should be the top priority." He would call me selfish and uncaring. But I still love how you word this. If it's okay, I'm going to cut and paste and save this statement.

Thanks!

Amber Miller's picture

Wow. I couldn't have said it better myself. Very well put. I want to copy this and hang it on every wall of my house and above the bed where DH and I sleep. To remind him that his spoiled rotten brat of a daughter isn't in charge here; the house where I sleep. Thanks for such a great post.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Is the move right for any of you? Most importantly, you? That must be first thought. I think that is a very unfair comment from dh. About your marriage being threatened if you don't welcome SD and her kids. Dh has tossed similar lines my way. I would tell him that if you are forced to engage with such toxic people, then the marriage will definitely fail.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Is the move right for any of you? Most importantly, you? That must be first thought. I think that is a very unfair comment from dh. About your marriage being threatened if you don't welcome SD and her kids. Dh has tossed similar lines my way. I would tell him that if you are forced to engage with such toxic people, then the marriage will definitely fail.

Amber Miller's picture

I'd end up in the nut house if SD was here for a day. Two words come to mind; heavy sedation!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

This is great advice and I appreciate your comments. Just one thing I didn't clarify, by DH wanting me to fix things, he expects me to contact SD and set up a meeting / talk to her about all the issues.

I did do this once a few years ago and it did not help in the long run. She behaved better for about 1-2 months and then got worse. Later whenever I would speak my mind with her instead of ignoring, she would go crying to Daddeee that SM was not nice to her, exaggerate and lie about me, so I stopped communicating with her completely.

I will NEVER initiate contact with her on my own behalf, I have no interest in discussing anything with her at this point. The bad behaviour has escalated over the past 8 years and I cannot imagine it ever getting better. They just want me back in the drama triangle so they can carry on their weird relationship. ugh. Sad

Megan Wilson's picture

"Your husband is worried about her being worried." That's it!!! This is the root of all of my problems....that's what they do, husbands are worried about there daughter being worried, who cares about wife?

Sorry, I know I am not really helping, but it is just so true!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I sometimes thing our DH's feel we are adults and can handle things, but childlren, regardless of what age, are always that....children.

I remember talking with my Dad once who was talking to me like I was a child (he's elderly, well, flat out OLD) and I stopped him and said: "Hey, Dad, I'm going to be 65 in ...." He got this quizical look on his face, looked at me and replied: "When did that happen?" Now he is not senile or anything, he just never looked at the fact that I was getting old too. Guess regardless of how old I get I will never catch up with him in years and will always be his little girl.

I think a lot of our DH's have that problem. I know it can be the bane of my existance dealing with Twit, but I am starting to recognize it as something that just is. The good thing is that DH is getting fed up with his daughter and he is changing his attitude etc. towards dealing with her and not blaming me like he use to.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

LOL. So true. My sd is 35 - married with 3 kids of her own but she still acts like a toddler and DH treats her like one. Blech.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

AS I was rereading this thread I had the thought of that old adage: A son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter's a daughter for all of her life.

I think that can sum it up for a lot of our hubby's and their dealings with their daughters.

godess-clueless's picture

If an adult child wants to visit---nothing will stop them. If they are looking for a reason not to visit---they will use any lame excuse.

My DH's children lived a 20 minute drive from us for several years after we married. The children that wanted to visit had no problem finding their way to the house. The children that had a bug up their behinds because I stopped allowing money to flow freely from their dad to them and I quit pretending to believe some of their outrageous lies as the truth did not show up for years.

WE moved 2 to 3 hours away from where they live about 5 years ago. They see him only when he makes the trip to their homes a few times each year. Before we made the move here, I had noticed that the visiting alone with them must have given his girls the perfect opportunity to voice their dissatisfaction about me. The more he went by himself to their family functions, the more he started coming home and voicing how unfairly I treated them.

I was designated as the " problem." I judged them too harshly, I didn't treat their own children as nice as my own, They were uncomfortable around me.

They still have not come around but I did overhear a phone conversation which sounds as if one of the daughters is planning to grace us with her appearance for the first time in years. Seems she needs a place to stay while she checks out a college for her son.
Should be interesting if she shows.

The most interesting part of all this is that I never confronted these girls about anything when their visits first stopped. I had heated discussions with DH about situations that he should take care of. Apparently he did. Probably falls under that category of running to the other side and badmouthing the one who is not present. I call it "musical chairs game" since the one without a chair is the one talked about.

Onefootout's picture

Two statements bother me and set off some red flags for me:

1) "Anyway, DH said he "thinks the marriage may not work if I don't fix this"."

First thing that comes to my mind is emotional blackmail. Your DH may not realize this is what he's doing. But I do believe he's using this threat to get you to cave and allow SD to visit frequently or however often SD likes. I really liked your response to him, and you obviously saw right through this. But still, I don't think it's fair.

2) "I am really having second thoughts about making this major move, as will most likely have to give up a job I LOVE and friends and community I am attached to."

I always see a huge red flag when a DH or both the DH and SM agree to do something that ends up isolating the SM. You are right to have second thoughts. If I did this, I would worry about quitting my job that I love and distancing myself from my friends and community having a possible negative effect on my emotional well being. I know that I need to have my own activities and absolutely have my own job. It gives me a great deal of leverage in my relationship when my SO knows that I'm here because I want to build a life with him, not because I depend on him, financially or otherwise.

Maybe you can downsize and rent a small apartment for yourself, or for both you and DH, in the city, or townhouse, or something so that you can keep your job? And visit the beach house during the weekends? Just a thought, you may or may not want to be away from your DH that long. I know having one house will save a lot of money. I have the same dilemma. Sharing a home with SO cuts living expenses a lot, but at what cost, I always think? And I can afford to live on my own, but it would be a tiny house for certain.

Anyway, from your user name, I see you've invested 20 years into this family, and you have a lot of things to think about. I wish you all the best, this is tough, I can see.

sandye21's picture

20Year, This is not the first time your DH has made one of his 'divorce threatening' statements. My DH does the same thing - he pulls an unwarranted tantrum and threatens to leave on the average of once every 6 months. This has been going on for 20 years. After the last one, I decided that despite the fact that I may living on my own again, and finances may be a bit tighter, I owe it to myself not to allow it again. I am hoping I do not cave in.

You have to ask how you feel about yourself when he makes these threats and treats SD like she is his first priority?

I agree the distance could be beneficial to your marriage, that fear of the unknown is at play and all involved are posturing. Give yourself a time fame and options if things do not improve, possibly renting a place to test the waters before you commit to purchasing a new home, maybe taking a leave of absence from your job rather than resigning. Then if things don't work out you CAN spilt with DH and move back.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I spent a lovely afternoon yesterday with MY family at my sister's place. Left DH at the cottage and told them what transpired on Friday as I need their help and support. I try not to tell them too much, but I can't keep the cat in the bag forever. They also do not think I should give up my whole life where I am and make this major move. The marriage is too unstable and DH's priorities are all wrong.

It is obvious to everyone but him, duh. I feel very sad since I was really hoping this would be the best thing for all of us and put the much needed distance in DH's overly enmeshed relationship with his DD.

He is going backwards again, not forward. My sisters advised that this has been going on WAY TOO LONG and he will never change! I am beginning to think so too.

Oh and one other thing DH mentioned was that SD figures if we do break up and he ends up with a new partner maybe she will be a better "SGrandma" than me! What a mean thing to say / repeat to me too. I said good luck to you then DH, if you think a new partner is going to want to fawn all over SD's kids and be their Grandma. What a couple of idiots for even going there.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It sounds like they did discuss it and I am still in shock over this statement. Just cannot believe the utter ignorance and disrespect that I am expected to put up with. My heart and my head hurts.

oldone's picture

SS27 thinks I am such an improvement of wife #2. SM#1. He just doesn't know yet how bad I can be.

She's the one that paid CS for SS when DH was setting up new businesses. No she wasn't all warm and lovey and didn't include him in anything but she took care of SS financially. She helped pay for private schools and rehabs. I never would.

But I can guarantee the minute he crosses me his ass will be total grass. He just thinks he had it bad with her.

I have never threatened DH with the "I"ll divorce you" line for anything about SS. (about cheating - yes).

But sometimes I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. SS is SO horrible that he is bound to cross that line at some time. And then he will be DEAD to me. And if at that time DH wants to have anything to do with him they can ride off into the sunset together.

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I feel the same. If my DH decides to start handing cash (we don't have it, even if his kids were nice and decent) and/or wants them to move in, I am gone. If he does that, his life will become a mess, just like it was before we met. He is so much happier and healthier now, and these are adult skids who do not want to help themselves. But, you never know if he will cave or if my MIL's constant "advice" will possibly have an effect on him.

sandye21's picture

If DH and SD are already discussing your break-up, there is no way you should put your life on hold for him and move away from the things you love. Have you ever had a trial separation? Ya, let him TRY to find another woman who would put up with the crap he is dishing out! It almost sounds as if he is getting a thrill out of shocking you or getting a rise out of you. He needs a little alone time. And I'll bet when you are out of the picture the 'incentive' for breaking you up will be gone and DH will see less of her than he thinks. What does SD's husband think of all of this?

dontcallmestepmom's picture

I agree. He will never find another woman who will deal with this. And I also think SD will be less of a presence once the OP is gone. She will have "won."

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I have no idea what SD's DH thinks about this BS, he its quiet and works a lot. It would be interesting to know what he really thinks.

And I think you are right about a trial separation. It is time for him to make a decision.

He said I wasn't much of a grandma anymore and I said well you're not much of a husband either.

Feeling drained.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

OP - Your Dh's threat is trying to manipulate you. As another poster pointed out, and I also recall, this is not the first time he has threatened you so. Do you generally back down and do what he wants when he does this?

Since I am not you, and don't know your husband, far be it from me to say to just call his bluff, but I would start thinking and talking to him about the move that will isolate you from your friends and community.

If you should decide to move, then perhaps when SD wants to come to the beach, you could conveniently have other plans to, perhaps, go meet your friends back in town, stay there a few days, etc.

Or, you could just rise above it, don't get engaged with her, be polite but no more. Don't rise if she insults you or tries to start with you, just walk away. I know that works. I have done that with my Twit and it drives her off the deep end, which is not very far in the best circumstances.

SugarSpice's picture

The DH in most instances is so filled with guilt that this is his ruling emotion. And usually their heads are the the sand about most things. They have the utter ability not to see reality, such as SS being an alcoholic or SD being into drugs.

The Dh will do nothing to protect you from his children out of guilt.

Best to have an escape plan.

Newimprvmodel's picture

I totally agree sugar spice. Dh does not realize that his chasing after his daughter now fuels the perception that she is the victim, and the wronged one. It actually empowers her more because she knows she has the upper hand. I have to say that shortly after our wedding, which his daughters refused to attend, a letter mysteriously appeared in the guest bathroom of dh's home. What was the letter? An old letter from dh to ex wife written during their marriage basically begging her to come back after one of her many affairs. After getting over the shock and disgust of reading that crap, it then dawned on me how did the letter appear? Dh is very anal about cleaning and his daughters supposedly had not been in that house for months, years prior.
So......this man has the history of chasing them for years. He can continue the crazy game....it never ends, does it? All I know is I am not getting on that hamster wheel with them!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I told him yesterday that I think we should go back to plan "A', which was relocate closer to my work - but this is still away from SD. Currently she lives about 12 houses away from us.

He looked shocked and was VERY SORRY to have said all those nasty things. Of course he is! It didn't work and has damaged our relationship even more. It has been quite fragile for a while and his attacking me about SD only pushes me further away.

He is going away for 2 weeks soon and it will be a much needed break for me. Thanks everyone for all your support and help, I truly appreciate it.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I don't know, but I can tell you that if my DH started threatening me like that I would be putting together a contingency plan for myself....just in case. Divorce is tough, I know, I have been through one years ago, and IMO, there is no such critter as a "friendly divorce".

I, myself, was on the verge of leaving my DH last year due to his always backing up his daughter and remarks like, suck it up, be the adult, you need to try harder etc. This while Twit, knowing that her father had her back, escalated. Finding this board really helped. I started disengaging, I no longer did little nice things for Twit, the same type of things I still do for my DD. No more gifts, etc. If DH doesn't take care of her, like he did this year, too bad, not my problem.

Disengaging is the way. Though if you go to live at that beach house, or any place for that matter, you do have the right to set the rules at your house. And you might also become a history buff and talk about Ben Franklin who said that: "Guests are like fish, both stink after 3 days."

Anon2009's picture

20,

I'll bet SDs dh knows what's going on and that's exactly why he works so much.

I get that your dh wants to be a loving granddad and dad to SD and her kids but he has failed miserably in finding a way to make it work for ALL of you.

And as for the step grandma comment, shame on your dh and sd for saying such things and shame on your dh for saying it to you to be mean to you. Shame on him for not finding a way to make this situation work for all of you years ago. Shame on him for not calling his daughter out on her behavior. Shame on him for being so mean to you. Shame on him for throwing you under the bus so he won't be exposed as the donkey that he is.

Like Old Dart said to another poster, I take my vows very seriously but this could be a deal breaker for me. Actually, it would be.

(((HUGS))) to you.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you Anon. Your post brought a tear to my eye. To be treated like this and DH not getting it when I get hurt or upset is really hard to take. It is so nice to be heard.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Have to agree here, your husband is really trying to hurt you. Time for you to step back. Is there a family member or two that you can visit with for awhile? Get your ideas on what you want to do? Start a plan? Then you can confront your husband with what you want and what you are planning on doing and go forth from there.

I mean, do you really want to be with a man who tells you this nasty stuff his daughter says, or threatens you with divorce etc.? That, IMHO, is abuse plain and simple.

Yeah, he might be doing this to get his way, push his objective, but it is still abuse.

Newimprvmodel's picture

Love your post no doormat!! I am so tired of my dh's response in all of this crap. Why do these men not step up to the plate and defend their wives from these nasty monsters that they have created? Yesterday I did not go to church with dh and he comes home and tells me about the merciful theme. Of course I know exactly what he is referring to, but I do not take the bait. So later he tells me that she is still acting as the victim. She wants a "full relationship" with her father and does not understand why I do not have the welcome mat out after 4 years of no contact. Other than her suing her father.
And I love this....dh adds that " you are no victim either." Really? What did I ever do to your POS daughters, other than to treat them like princesses? Dh wants me to just say, oh...give her another chance. Well, it is not happening!!!!

Newimprvmodel's picture

And I am certain that dh does not pull the religious card with his daughter! I told dh that I am comfortable wearing the bad guy hat. I was the bad guy dating him, engaged to him and of course our marriage precipitated a pearl harboresque attack by the pack. It was horrific. And now I will continue to wear the bad guy hat because I have come to the realization that some people who have plotted to cause us harm do not ever belong in our lives again. Case closed. He is free to do what he wants. As am I!

Newimprvmodel's picture

Exactly. I have learned that I need to show mercy to myself first. I need to accept people as they are. I can not change anyone. Dh has this problem. He still thins he can change others. I take people at face value. And above all, I respect myself first. I am choosy who I let in my inner sanctuary. His daughters don't qualify for any contact.