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20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It has been a rough summer as I vacation property sold in the winter this year and SD, her hubby and 3 kids do not have a free vacation home close to us anymore.

She comes up (2 hours away) more this summer than when the cottage was available. She is playing the victim about poor her and kids have nowhere to stay now at the beach.

She lurks around our friends - probably hoping for an overnight invite. This hasn't happened yet.

So she drive up 2 hours to spend the day at our beach and then packs up and drives 2 hours home, almost every weekend now.

DH of course spends every waking moment with her at the beach with the gkids. He wishes she could stay with us.

He is begging me for forgive her and start being friendly again - code for let her stay with us.

I am not ready to remove my boundaries of staying away from her, and still have anxiety attacks when I hear she is up near my home. I moved to get away from her and it doesn't seem to be working.

2 days ago DH said he doesn't think he can stay married to someone who won't accept his family (SD). I said fine, but I think it is ludicrous to divorce because your wife doesn't get along with your 40 year old daughter!

I think this is the final straw. I can't take it anymore. I am not sleeping again, barely eating, stressed and just feel terrible in general. My health cannot take this emotional roller coaster anymore.

I want to sell the house and move on. DH is away camping with SD and family along with our BS for a couple of days but when he returns I will tell him his wish will come true - he doesn't have to stay married to someone who won't accept his princess.

Amcc13's picture

So very sorry that this has occured
It's very sad that he thinks like this and behaves like this
However I am glad you are making your health a priority and taking care of you

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I'm so sorry to hear this. But your health should be your main focus. Stress can do horrible things to your body. Take care of you.

Is_What_It_Is's picture

So sorry to hear this. 20 years is a long time for nothing to get better. It's not that you won't accept his princess but his problem of placing daughter before you.

sammigirl's picture

I was just thinking about this type of situation this morning. We are retired; I have been retired from my career for 6 years now. I never dreamed my retirement would revolve around SD and her social life. So I decided to change all of my stress to positive living, by disengaging from SD56 and SGD31 (toxic women). I wanted to move last year, away from SD56; she lives less than a block from us, and was a big pain dropping in any time. We have a nice home, we bought new, and just have the landscaping and everything finally manageable. DH doesn't want to move away from his DD of course. So I finally dropped the idea and made some serious changes.

SD56 is not allowed to come to our home, unless I am away. This is manageable, I go to a neighboring State at least once a month to visit my family; DH can go up the street any time he wishes. They can go anywhere (out to lunch, etc.), any time, I have never objected. DH will not visit with SD56, unless she stops here, while I'm away. I've never understood this part of it. I'm guessing, because I'm disengaged (7 years), it doesn't cause drama; therefore, it's no fun to be secret behind my back any longer. Blum 3

With all of this said, I would rather live less than one block from SD56, then miles away. SD56 would also be camping at our house and I would have to tolerate her. Now I never see or hear of her. My DH hates my disengagement (we almost divorced), but I will not go back to the same ole' treatment; which I let myself be subjected to for 30+ years. DH is welcome to leave anytime and go live with his DD; he has been given this choice.

The ole' saying "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence". I decided I'm staying right where I am. I don't care what DH or his kids and grandkids think or want. They can stuff it. My grass is greener than I could have ever ask for (except maybe a good looking gardener). Lol... I love my DH, but he can just be on the other side of the fence, figure it out, or leave. I have too many years invested and I do not want to move anywhere else.

Give this serious thought. Do you have a place to leave to? If you make a move, with DH, maybe buy a house just down the street from SD. Then you can move forward with your life and let your DH visit anytime he wants. Just ban SD from your home. Another option, move close to family and friends, so you have a life.

I absolutely refuse to let DH or my skids dictate my life. I am disengaged, as you, and intend to never go back, just move forward. I subjected myself to mistreatment for 30+ years, never again. My SD56 even told me to move out and move on, so DH could have his family life without me. That was NOT the thing to say to me, because now, for sure, I'm not moving. }:)

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

We used to live down the street from SD - that is why we moved (my reason anyway). She was too enmeshed in our lives then and DH was there everyday getting brain-washed by SD of what a horrible person I am and he should leave me.

WE have been at our new home for 3 years and used to have a small cottage nearby that was up for sale for the entire time. SD used is for free and never helped with costs, maintenance or even mow the lawn. It is now gone and she has nowhere to say up here.

If she bought a place near us up here I don't our marriage would survive that either. She needs to be far away. DH can go visit her at her home for as long as he wants whenever he wants. I do not interfere with his relationship with her.

If we sell the house I will rent something temporarily and keep looking for a better job - widening my location criteria. I only work part-time right now. If a good job becomes available in the city I was living in I will move back there. I really don't care where I live - I just want to live in peace.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Oh no, you definitely need boundaries! Lots of them....Never, never let down your defenses, given this idiot's comments to you...

You need to disengage too....This relationship is making you sick and you are being treated as an outsider in your own marriage, given the divorce comment. I would not spend another minute with SD... I know every situation is different, but when I am done, I am. Enough abuse.

If he walks out, it will in not matter to you in due time--he already has emotionally, if he is talking like this. You need to tell him you cannot live with a man who is married to his daughter!

You will be much better off and find somebody who puts you first and treats you with the respect you deserve.

sammigirl's picture

CANYOUHELP, you touched on a subject that has happened with me also. "he already has walked out emotionally". This is exactly what has happened to our marriage; but with disengagement, this is something that is bound to happen. DH and SD56's passive aggression has changed all of our lives forever.

I was heart broken, more so, when my husband just walked away emotionally. I couldn't believe he would ever do that. He did, and I've learned to live around it. I surprised myself, because we can begin again, from square one rebuilding emotionally, and I don't have to put up with SD56. I do not force anything with DH emotionally; in fact I ignore it all, let it all go, and move forward. If DH doesn't want this marriage to work, it's his loss. It took me almost two years to reach this stage of my life, because I was so mad and hurt. Now that I have moved forward, my DH is beginning to join me and his game with SD56 and her family has all but stopped.

Our marriage is like a house that has burned completely to the ground. You start over and rebuild and hope you can live beyond all the good memories that went up in smoke.

Some marriages don't survive and my marriage may still go up in flames; but I know I've tried and I also know I am more prepared for the flames. Dirol

CANYOUHELP's picture

Thanks Sammigirl,

It is taken a long time to arrive here and feel I am on a good, healthy path for me. With the support of this site, I think I can get through the holidays too, in my own mind--my greatest challenge is my own thoughts of exclusion--but, I was more excluded whenever present with this team of rude women. The holidays are the hardest for me.

Like your husband, if my husband doesn't see a need and/or is not willing to work on this inappropriate behavior, he is totally disconnected to my feelings (something I have never wanted to accept). Yes, I know that sickening feeling too....ughhhh, and, those thoughts bring it all right back in my mind.

Great to hear of the progress you have made in the "game." It is a game for certain, one we are set up to lose.....

It is his loss, because NO Woman loves being treated like a leftover trash.

I am with you, I cannot give up my sanity for his daddy disease that is out of control.

You are better than me, I do not let them come to my house now, as I am not invited to theirs either. I have been excluded and insulted way too much to share time, property, for energy with them. Going back, I regret the years of waiting on that bunch to make certain everything was great for them at my house without as much as one complement or a single thank you. Oh, they do not invite my husband either. And, they were sneaking over, until I installed the security camera (fixed that problem).

Sounds like you are on the right path Sammi, you have some wonderful insight and advise.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I thought i loved him up until this last ultimatum. I have no respect or love for him right now. Not sure he can take it back or make me feel better after this last episode. Sad

hereiam's picture

So, he wants to throw away the marriage because you don't want to be around his adult daughter? That is pathetic. You are not stopping him from having a relationship with her.

When people give these ultimatums to their partner, over grown offspring (or other family members), I have to wonder if that is really the reason.

I have not spoken to one of husband's sisters for 9 years (we used to be friendly). I accept the fact that she is his sister, I do not have to accept her (and her lies) into my life. I accept that he's going to have a relationship with her, I do not have to participate.

DH wishes things were different but he's not going to leave me over it. Granted, it's his sister, not his daughter, but if it were his daughter, it would be the same. See her and talk to her all you want, leave me out of it.

Your husband is the one who is letting it affect his relationship with you. Why can't he just enjoy the time he spends with his daughter and leave you out of it?

ItsGrowingOld's picture

Why are you not addressing how her SD has treated her? It makes no sense to leave this out and punches serious holes in your analysis and recommendation.

ESMOD's picture

I've gone back and read prior logs and I don't see any real specific examples of wrongdoings. For all we know the attacks from the SD may just amount to "your new wife doesn't want you to have anything to do with us" and that is the TRUTH. OP actually states that if he interacts with his daughter she feels like it is a betrayal of HER.

So, without knowing what the "badmouthing" was or other slights... and we don't know what kind of "badmouthing" or slights the OP slung back to DH regarding her step daughter.

I think the OP sometimes is looking for problems where there may not be any and if she is doing things like trying to make him explain why there was a disproportionate number of pictures of one holiday celebration vs one at her home... I can see him getting defensive and defending his daughter. I also see that he really wants to be in his grandchildren's life and probably is willing to do most anything for that to happen. BTW, the picture thing, who knows, could have been a dead battery one day caused it. Or, people do tend to go more picture crazy with babies and small children. I don't think he "meant" anything by it.

The OP has a real chip on her shoulder over the SD. She probably has had more than a few fights with her husband over real or imagined slights. I bet he tried to defend or minimize the meaning to her because that is preferable in trying to maintain some semblance of family harmony. Saying things like "I'm sure she didn't mean it that way..etc.." He wants to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt and wants his wife to do that as well because that means he will get more contact with the grandkids.

Again, without knowing the depth of the SD's evilness, it's hard to know whether it was truly evil or a version of competition for her father's attention.

sammigirl's picture

I have 30+ years of passive aggression; DH was witness to.

I also have a 2 page hate email from SD that DH read and ignored. Enough is enough.

My SD has never liked me and even told me "How dare you marry my Father without consulting me first". That was the day after we were married (36 years ago) and she threw the marriage license across the room. This type of talk and actions went on for years, in front of the entire family, even my own family, while I kept quiet to keep the boat from rocking.

When I've had enough, I'm finished forever.

SD even told me "I dislike my own mother too". What?

ESMOD's picture

So, when she was a teen she said you should have asked her to get married to her father and that was 20-30 years ago? Did she know you were getting married? or was it sprung on her? I can see a teen being awfully upset at being blindsided and I would definitely blame DAD for that. However, you have to understand it's going to be easier for her to strike out against her stepmother vs her actual father right?

When was this 2 page letter written and what specifically were the hateful things said? I mean, if the letter was basically saying that she didn't like the fact that you were repeatedly trying to limit her contact with her own father.. well.. that sounds like some version of the truth and I think most people would understand her frustration.

Passive aggressive can sometimes be in the mind of the beholder as well. As in, assigning meaning to actions that were not intended in the way that they were taken.

She dislikes her own mother (sounds like my OSD)... well, she probably has resentment towards both her parents (and you) for her not having an in tact family unit. Again, tough to really make sense of it all without really specific examples. Aside from the blow up after you got married (which may have been understandable and the girl was MUCH younger as well).

Was the letter before or after your campaign to keep your DH from his daughter and her children (his gkids)? I mean, I can understand how she might be angry at you for that.... even if she wasn't always the nicest to you.

Disengaging is all fine and good but that means you don't get to engage your DH with regards to his SD either. He gets to have exactly the relationship with her and his gkids that he wants. You on the other hand do not have to participate. Disengaging could even mean they stay in your home.. but you don't have to do anything for or with them. It sounds like you still have discussions about her with him. I think that's counterproductive and it isn't disengaging.

sammigirl's picture

ESOM...I think you have my post mixed up with someone else. My DH and I never had an issue with him seeing or spending time with skids, sgrandkids, or his step-great-grandkids. We have been married 36 years; maybe you should read my posts again.

SD56 was 20 years old and married, when we got married. We had lived together for two years. The hate email was sent 2 years ago, 4 years after I disengaged; DH agrees she is just jealous and DH has informed SD to never contact me again by any means, especially social media. The only reason we can figure for the email, was my disengagement; SD is mad as hell, because she is no longer in control of knowing all of our personal business. DH has been very understanding in regards to my disengagement, now that we have got past the email. My disengagement has nothing to do with DH seeing or spending time with his kids and their families. I get along well with grown SS's and their families.

My disengagement is going well and I have let it all go and moved forward. I have frustrating days, because SD56 is all about drama. SD is now shut down where I'm concerned. Again, we do not have any issues with DH spending time with his kids or skids; DH will be the first to confirm there are no problems in that area.

Our problem stemmed from SD56 keeping her nose out of our business and being extremely jealous, to the point of me telling DH, "no more, or a court restraining order will be put in place". I have all the documentation to the Victim Advocate since 1 year ago (including the email), which I will not disclose to anyone, but DH; due to legal actions that may be taken.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Heavenlike. Moving here was my dh's dream not mine. I am isolated with limited career options. He wanted to move here 20 years ago. It took a long time to go along with this plan.

SD waged war on me not the other way around.

Oh and dh can have a relationship with SD as much as he wants. I just ask to be left out. One more time, I do not care about him and his gkids sd etc. but leave me in peace and respect my wishes

sammigirl's picture

HeavenLike has a point here. I had to make my own peace; it won't come if you wait for someone to change to suit you. I don't want my DH to change; I love him for what he is. He's always been a good Father and a good Husband.

I always thought "DH" let SD get by with all of this. But SD56 is an adult and I am the only person that could stop her from being cruel to me. I disengaged and then put SD in her place. DH then didn't like it.

My answer to it all. SD56 leave me alone and stay out of my way. DH accepts my disengagement or leaves and lives with his DD. I do not care when, where, or how much time he spends with his kids and grandkids. He should have quality time with them; just don't ask me to be the "family blender"; it's up to DH to maintain or do whatever he wants with his relationship with his kids. I do demand respect and we do spend quality time with each other, now that I am disengaged.

You need to fix it for you and nobody else.

sandye21's picture

"Oh and dh can have a relationship with SD as much as he wants. I just ask to be left out. One more time, I do not care about him and his gkids sd etc. but leave me in peace and respect my wishes." The 'real' issue is that he wants 20year to put up with SD's B.S. and is threatening divorce if she doesn't.

sammigirl's picture

Call him on his threats. That is exactly what I did; my DH was housed with his DD for a few weeks. He decided that the divorce idea left him without his comfortable home and was going to be VERY expensive. I do not put up with my SD or her Dad's B.S. She needs to set some boundaries and if it results in divorce, it will come to that in the end anyway.

She needs to protect herself, before it ruins her health. It almost ruined my health. She does not have to put up with any of this.

It would be good to move forward and not try to change the relationship that her DH and SD are going to do anyway. My DH still has a relationship with his SD, SS's, grandkids as much as he wants. It just doesn't include me (my wishes) nor do they come to our home, when I am here. Our marriage and relationship has changed forever, but it is much better and more peaceful than it has been for years.

I see no solution, except for her to take control of her own destiny at this point.

ESMOD's picture

I read on her other blog where she said that she viewed any time spent with the SD she considered it a betrayal.

That is why he is giving her the ultimatum. Every time he spends time with his daughter and grandkids, I would bet, he is getting an earful of attitude from OP.

I think it's possible to disengage and "accept" that he is going to have a relationship with his daughter. I think he might be ok with that. But what he doesn't want is to get jumped for spending time with them.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Boy that complicated time was short formed into just spending time with her was a betrayal.

Jeez there was so much more to this than just spending time together. I am not a selfish evil step-monster.

ESMOD's picture

I am not necessarily saying you are a monster of any

But, when you used that betrayal phase it seemed like you were really setting your DH in a dynamic where he only had two choices... YOU or your SD and kids.

I mean, I completely get not wanting to spend time with toxic people (related or not!).

You do give the impression that his contact with her (any contact) bothers you because you have had problems with her in the past.

I guess I don't know the logistics of your place and whether there is any possibility of her and the kids being there without you having to interact with them.

I think your DH would like them to be able to come to his house and stay a weekend (maybe not EVERY weekend overnight).. but I think that any suggestion of that probably brings up fights where you call back to every past hurt. The dynamic becomes him defending his daughter and you being hurt because he is taking her side.

Have you tried to approach things in a way that are less accusatory towards her and maybe even acknowledge that you have probably had your own moments where you said or did things that were less than admirable (believe me... we ALL HAVE).

"Honey, I know you want me to accept your daughter... and I do accept that she is your daughter and will be a part of your life. Unfortunately, with the past history between herself and I, it is really hard for me to personally have a close relationship with her. I know there is plenty of blame to go around on all sides. I do want to encourage you to continue to be fully involved in your daughter's and grandchildren's lives. I fully support you having those relationships. I do think that it will be easiest on all parties if I am not part of those relationships. The tension and hurt feelings will make things too uncomfortable for everyone and I want you to enjoy the time with your child and grandchildren. So, just let me know when you want to host them and we can work things out so that everyone has the space to enjoy themselves without getting in each other's way. My commitment to you is that I will not interfere nor negatively comment to you about your stepdaughter and I will expect that we are both civil to each other. We don't have to love each other but we should both be able to deal with things like adults.".

sammigirl's picture

I don't believe you are a selfish evil step-monster; there are always facts and actions that take place we are not aware of here on this site.

I so hope you will begin by setting some boundaries for yourself and putting together a life for you.

I want to mention this; I felt when I disengaged I was all alone, and I was for a short time. I even spent Christmas with my Father (neighboring State), while DH spent Christmas day with SD and family. I was so extremely lonely all day. I returned home Christmas night to spend DH and my Christmas together and open gifts. This was MY decision to do this, so I would not have to sit at SD's and take the cruel disrespect; thus I knew she didn't want me in her house anyway. I had a three hour drive and cried most of the way home.

Let me tell you! That was the ice breaker and I have healed over and over since last Christmas, along with several other occasions I have chosen to take myself away from. I feel I can continue with this disengagement forever. Yes, DH went camping without me this summer, my decision. I stayed home and enjoyed the company of my SGS37, with whom I had lunch with for 2 hours. It all falls into place, but you could not have convinced me last Christmas Day, I would ever be happy again and still be married to my DH.

Good Luck, you can figure this out. You have to be smarter than the average toxic SD.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

They are all camping for a couple days including our BS. They are slowly mending fences they burned with him too with nasty behaviour directed to him too.

It is up to BS if he wants a relationship with his half sister and her kids. I do not interfere with his decisions. And when they hurt him again like they did last year at a dinner outing I am there for him to support him and make him feel better about himself. They have a way of chipping away at a persons self esteem. It really is quite sad that BS keeps trying and they keep knocking him down.

Edited to add. BS just turned 18 last month

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Lol.pushing for it. He wanted this more but then I realized the advantages to our marriage.

His gkids do bring him joy and he can love them and spend time with all he wants.
One last time heaven. I don't appreciate being threatened by my DH that I need to partake and sing koobaya with them.

sammigirl's picture

My DH tried this too. Just turn the table on him and tell him "no more threats, stop it now!". The only thing I ask of my DH; "Please keep your relationship with your kids and grandkids separated from our love life"; the family gatherings, dinners, camp-outs, card games, I never minded. It was the intimate discussion between my DH and SD56, concerning DH & I that brought about our problems.

DH now realizes he was wrong and has admitted it. SD56 was always jealous of me and tried to learn "everything" about our marriage and put her nose into our business, including sex, financial, and then carried the gossip back to BM and anyone that would listen, plus SD knew it would all get back to me. So it all boiled over and now I am disengaged from SD56 and SGD31 (mother/daughter). It was not my problem. DH, SD56, and SGD31 played the game, now they have to reap the loss they encountered (Brady Bunch Family). With that said, I have a good relationship with OSS58, YSS52, and all other sgrandkids. They all call me grandma and have for 30+ years. We have 5 SGGkids; two are SGD31's and are poisoned by SGD31; but the other three call me Grandma. So it can be good.

The only hang up now; DH wants all the family to be happy again. If I go back to this, it will just result in what has happened for 30+ years and I have to disengage again. It is not happening.

All the threats of divorce, if you can't accept my kids, from my DH went out the window. I told him "no more" or you move out to DD's.

Take the leap of faith. It can't be worse than where you are now.

sandye21's picture

"Take the leap of faith. It can't be worse than where you are now." Sammi, you said it in a nut shell. My hero!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Thank you Sammi. That is basically my mantra too, its just that DH wants to pull me back into the web.

sammigirl's picture

My DH tries to pull me back into the web also. DH's tend to want no conflict and ALL the family fringes too. We had that, I thought; until SD56 wrote the email and threw DH under the bus and tried to get me to divorce him. Well it backfired and she is one mad woman.

I will not go backwards, only forward with my disengagement. I will never get sucked back into being disrespected.

sandye21's picture

"2 days ago DH said he doesn't think he can stay married to someone who won't accept his family (SD)." You have already been to counseling with DH and it didn't work. He is being selfish, wanting his own way. He DH is trying to manipulate you, holding you hostage by threatening to end the marriage. If he really meant it he would have already left. Inform him that it is no threat to you, and if he wants to leave don't let the door hit him in the rear end. It will give him some time to think about the financial and emotional consequences. In the meantime, get a good lawyer and don't back down. You are fighting for your son now. Stay strong.

sammigirl's picture

Again, sandye21 is telling you to take control and don't play the games. If you make the move to set "yourself" boundaries and do it for you; do not play the "get even", "you do it, I do it", "blame" games. It will only continue to make you miserable. If your DH is threatening you with divorce, do it, if you don't want to play by his rules.

I wouldn't even give SD another thought, I don't. Fix your marriage between you and DH by disengaging from these continuous changes that are not bringing you good results.

ldvilen's picture

I really don't see why 20YearsAsAStep-Mom has to explain her actions to anyone. She has been 20 years a step-parent to this step-child, and some of you'all act like you know all the ins and outs of their relationship better than her. Not uncommon in the backward world of SMs--for those without any direct experience to think they know better. This is a place for step-parents to come and vent and get support. It is not a place for stepkids, no matter how old, to grind their axe or refer to those of us who show support to other step-parents as "cronies."

I have never gone to a site or blog for stepkids to vent and told them what a bunch of ass-wipes they all are. Wouldn't dream of it. That would just be rude, arrogant and bullying.

And, the comment, "that guy who let his wife ban his 12yo daughter from his home." Got news--It was that guy's decision. He didn't let his wife do anything. But, again, we all know that all dad's actually hate the spouses that they chose to marry, and their spouses or SM has them under some sort of robot-control. And, dad is just being snowed by SM. Dad is incapable of thinking independently. SM sprinkles mind-control dust on his food every day. And, of course, stepkids never do anything wrong. Evil SM is the one to blame for mom and dad's divorce, that she had absolutely no hand in.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom, my best to you. Do whatever works for you, experiment, take the time to explore. At this point, you deserve it. Just know that once you reach age 50, everyone deserves to live their life BS free.

still learning's picture

"dad is just being snowed by SM...And, of course, stepkids never do anything wrong. Evil SM is the one to blame for mom and dad's divorce, that she had absolutely no hand in."

How did you know what ss's say about me?! Jesus, you'd think I had married Hugh Hefner or something, since I'm "such a money grubbing gold digger after THEIR inheritance." Sorry skiddles, BM extorted your inheritance from DH by taking everything in the divorce and 15 years of alimony which adds up to an ungodly amount. Who snowed DH? Then they post pics of her on Facebook titled, "Mom looking beautiful getting ready for a date." Yeah, if you think a drowned rat looks beautiful then she's the girl for you. Somehow DH would get mentioned or tagged in a comment so it would show up in my feed too. Glad to be Facebook free.

I put up w/this and SOOOO much more passive aggressive and outright hostile behavior for the first 2 years; the last two years have been better but I've had to be a complete boundary b*tch. It gives me a headache to even imagine dealing with it for 20 years. You must take care of yourself first and foremost. Oxygen mask on you first! DH has all the freedom in the world to see SD. He see's her every weekend,there are NCP's that don't see their minor kids that often. DH can buy a pop up trailer and camp all weekend w/her at the beach, let him. Have a couple of stress free days and recoup.

enuf's picture

I am so sorry for your pain. Hugs to you!! I think a key statement is "He is begging me for forgive her and start being friendly again - code for let her stay with us." I have read so many statements by other posters where the dh is asking his dw to "forgive." None of us is made of stone otherwise we would not be on this site baring our soul to find support from total strangers. We would not care what the sks are doing or what our dh are doing with their sks. Many of was, including me, have tried our darnest to make the marriage work only to be accused of not being friendly enough, not smiling when we are being shunned, not giving yet another chance, of not loving dh enough to make yet another attempt to reach out to skid only for the cycle to return.

What is sd doing to make amends? She wants to do what she wants to do and not be accountable for any of what is going on. She knows that it is affecting your marriage and yet she continues to impose herself expecting df and sm to entertain her and the gkids. I think that takes a lot of gall and she clearly has no intention of backing down. Has she ever reached out and asked you what she can do to mend the relationship? Has she ever asked for forgiveness? Your dh is doing what many other dh or dw ask, to "just get over it" and let skid act like they have always acted without any accountability on their part.

Yes, they are adults and can see each other when ever they want. However, the expectations do tend to get more demanding and soon the expectations become normalized. It is never ending.

The threat of divorce over skid is a major blow. It hurts because you love this man, and he is not able separate his relationship with his dd from his relationship with you. He has put conditions on his love for you. Basically, let her do as she wants or I will not longer be married to you. Why is he insisting that you be submissive to what they want. Because it will make his dd life easier giving her a place to vacation. That is a crock! If the dd was compassionate, she would insist that her df not exert any extra effort on his and your part for the sake of entertaining her and gkids. But that is not happening as it has become, according to your dh, the hill on which your marriage will die unless you do as your asked.

Take the leap of faith, and allow your dh to choose. After this last time, I think it was the 4th threat of divorce, I just told my dh "I love you and I want you to be happy in life. If you want to divorce me, that is what will happen." I did not show anger or try to change his mind. I just decided to step out of his way. Kind of like a person is running as hard as he can into you and you just step out of his way to let him continue running in the direction he is running to.

However, once it was over, I read a statement that really made me think that maybe I did not handle things in the best way, "you need to decide which is more important, your ego or your heart." It really changed my perspective after the fact, my heart was more important, and I should have tried my darnest to disengage to where sk became a non factor and non existent in my life. Because guess what, that was end result anyway. I am totally disengaged from sk now that I am divorced.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've been dealing with this crap for a long, long time. I've been following your posts for years and remember all the drama that used to take place before you sold the cottage.

I find it interesting that your H is upping the ante so close to your son's eighteenth birthday. Do you think there could be a connection? Is this a move on your H's part to further ostracize you while he gets to avoid conflict and play Happy Family?

It must be very discouraging to realize that your H has never accepted your pov or the boundaries you've felt forced to draw for your own protection. You've been with this man for what, twenty-five years, and he still isn't showing you loyalty.

Your son is grown now. Maybe it's time to take stock and decide how to achieve happiness for yourself.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

You know Exjulie??? I am doing just that. Thinking and taking stock of reaching my goal for happiness and peace.

At this point if he packed up and left it would be a relief.