Is DH complicit in making me the target?
I have read all the posts on disengagement and adult stepchildren but I am still having problems.
I got involved with DH when his former wife had already remarried. I had nothing to do with the separation because I wasn’t on the scene.
SD (age 43) hated me from the second she met me and essentially declared war. It has been 15 years of this. No matter what I do, it is wrong so I stopped sending gifts, doing the family dinners and so on. I will not itemize the rudeness- it is similar to what others have posted. The problem is that, years later she is still fanning the flames of anger. She continues to disparage me to DH, to his family and to others.
DH won’t confront her (ie defend me). The attacks on me, my character have gone on unabated for 15 years. I have now lost respect for DH for never shutting it down.
Last week, she came to our home when I wasn’t there ( which is the only time she would come) and our security video picked up the vile things she said about me to her dad. It made no sense to me since I haven’t seen or spoken to her in two years. He stood there and said nothing, because he “ didn’t want to escalate “the situation. She yelled and swore and attacked me as obnoxious, vile, rude, on and on.
I am hurt- not by her but by him.
He is clearly afraid of her rage and it feels to me that it is better for him that I am the target So that he can continue his relationship with her and his 3 grandchildren.
I cannot make him understand that if you do not address an accusation it implies it is true.
Advice?
My relationship with my DH
My relationship with my DH and OSD followed a similar path. Basically DH was more afraid of losing OSD than he was of losing me. He took me for granted and figured I would play doormat since he was ok with being trampled on. He said later he knew his DD was a bully - she had to have her way all the time - and if he stood up to her, she would punish him. He was afraid of her cutting off access to his grandkids. And by golly, that is what she eventually did.
Your OSD is trying to prove to her father how absolutely horrible you are so he will leave you and return to the Holy Original Family. It's as simple as that.
Your DH needs to be more afraid of losing you. He needs to realize that his daughter is not allowed to hold your marriage hostage due to his fear of telling her to respect his wife. He needs to realize his DD is not only an adult woman, but a middle-aged adult woman. His years of needing to put his child first are done; while he can still love and see his child, she is grown and needs to move on with her life...... and so does he. He needs to find other ways of ego gratification other than being Nice Daddy. He also needs to realize that a man who has his balls in his daughter's purse is not the slightest bit sexy.
I stayed with my DH because the rest of the marriage was good. I have absolutely no relationship with my OSD and now DH has a strained relationship with her, but that is because he did not do exactly what she wanted. Us getting to this point has been a painful process. You will need to decide if your marriage is worth it.
You Nailed It:
"He is clearly afraid of her rage and it feels to me that it is better for him that I am the target So that he can continue his relationship with her and his 3 grandchildren." That's exactly what he is doing - and sacrificing your dignity while he's doing it. You are being used. Somethingwicked nailed it too when she said your marriage and you should be off limits in any conversations he has with SD. Please see a good counselor to help you stand your ground when you give DH the option of working on the marriage or leaving. That's what i did and I've never been sorry. Good luck and (((HUGS)))
This is so tough- from what I
This is so tough- from what I have learned about Steplife from my own expierence and from what I have learned on here you can make small gains by disengaging that are for yourself, but will have a very small impact on them, and it may take years to make any headway.
In the end I could not take the risk of it meaning years of isolation and coldness and I got out. Did I do the right thing? Should I have stayed and been patient? Or should I have got out much sooner and avoided the pain I am now undergoing? Who knows the answer to these questions and who knows what you can do about this except yourself? I hope you do find some peace.
I cannot thank you all enough
I cannot thank you all enough for the thoughtful comments.
You should not have to have
You should not have to have anyone come into your home and talk so badly about you to anyone, especially your DH. It is unacceptable. Your home should be your sanctuary and not a place where swearing and yelling at your DH or you happens.
If it were me, I would make it clear to my DH that was the last time your DH is allowed in your home and she is not welcome there. If she returned I would call the police and have her removed. You do not need to be verbally attacked in your home and neither does your DH. I would let my DH know that he needs to address her rudeness and he needs to make it clear to her that you are his wife and he will not associate with her as long as she continues to swear and badmouth you. Your DH needs to put his marriage first and not allow anyone, including the SD to treat you like this. Again, it's just unacceptable.
My angry, viscous grown adult SD and Adult SS have berated me to DH and anyone who would listen to their rants. Like you, at first, DH and I bought them gifts and included all the adult steps in holiday gatherings and parties. The adult skids always caused a scene or would cancel out last minute as they could not stand to see dadee happy with anyone. It has been a long road for DH to come to terms with the fact his spawn are selfish, self-centered, unhappy, spoiled nightmares. Adult SD even threatened to come to our home and cause a scene with me if I didn't return her phone calls. They have wished me off the face of the earth and I disengaged from them long ago.
At first, my DH didn't defend me, as he did not want to upset the apple cart. It was hurtful at first, but after I made it clear that I no longer wanted to be in any relationship where I am subject to hateful outbursts and manipulation by his spawn, DH began to tell the adult steps, enough is enough.
Let your DH know enough is enough and you will not sit back and be treated like this and he needs to step up to the plate.
Best of luck to you. Do what is best for you.
Oh, the sweet memories of
Oh, the sweet memories of betrayal by DH to adult SD!
This is what I did: I shut it down in my home. After a 2 page hate email from SD57, throwing DH under the bus, it all came out. I had no idea what they were doing to me. I suspected something was up, but didn't realize the extent. DH was kicked to SD's house (5 years ago) and a Court ordered protective order slapped on both of them for a few months, thru Law Enforcement and Victim Advocacy. I stayed in our home, had the locks re-keyed and DH could not communicate with me, even third party; nor could DH come near me. When things cooled down, we talked. I told DH, "if I ever hear one word that you have discussed with SD, or any of our families, concerning me, you are out for good! There is no reason you need to even discuss me, or our life." I had my Attorney prepare papers to file in Court for SD: "alienation of affection, libel charges, and harassment charges against SD", if she didn't leave me alone and stay away from me personally.
Now...for the extreme measurers they forced me to take; this had been going on for years, come to find out. My SD has hated me for 38 years and still hates me. The personal attacks have ceased. SD is allowed to come into our home and visit DH. DH swears he never mentions my name and they never discuss me. He tells me SD asks how I am doing and he answers with one word, "well".
I don't trust DH and SD. If I go back on my disengagement (now 8 years), they will pick up where they left off; so I have totally disengaged from my SD57 and her immediate family. I have also disengaged from DH where his kids are concerned; they are his circus. I do nothing for any of them. OSS59 is good to us. YSS54 is a jail bird, don't need it anyway. SD57 stays away, except to visit with her Dad. I am civil, when she comes by, but I do not carry on a conversation with her, nor do I even offer her the time of day. I do not engage with her!
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. You do lose respect for your DH, I've lost all my respect and trust for my DH. My DH is completely disabled and needs me. His kids are not around much now that his is a sick man. They don't have time for him. I have been married to this man for 38 years and will stand beside him, in his needs.
I am at peace with myself. Sometimes I look at my DH and wonder "how can he expect me to care for him totally, after all the hurt and betrayal he game me". Then I remember my wedding vows and know I swore to myself my second marriage would never fail. I love my DH, but it is difficult without trust and respect. I am doing as I wish and am content with my decisions; although "Hell Hath No Fury, Like A Woman Scorned".
Legality of what SD is doing
Sammi, Just wondering if you think the OP can bring charges against SD. She has proof SD came to her home and bad-mouthing her. Would this be grounds for libel or slander? If so, I think the OP should do just what you did and let SD and DH know they are playing with fire.
The reasons I took my email,
The reasons I took my email, from SD57, to my Attorney; I kicked DH to SD's house and I wanted to put a stop to the entire bullying that they both were doing to me. I wanted to show my Attorney all the reasons I might want to file for divorce and stay in my well earned home. I wanted it ALL out in the open, no matter how embarrassing it was to DH or SD57. You need to understand SD57's DH (SIL) is a cop and with the department that I retired from; therefore it was all too close to home for SIL and his career. I never threatened SIL's career, I quite like my SIL; but with that said, if SD57 didn't back off, it might mean SIL's career. I knew the ropes and how to push these Court Orders to the limit, within the law, as well as within my rights. OP might want to take the video to a Victim Advocate and have them review it. They will advise her as to the options of filing any reports. Usually a Victim Advocate can be obtained thru your local Police Dept. with no cost.
It only took long enough for a civil servant to serve the Court orders on DH, they backed off. I put my foot down and claimed my territory. I told DH, "SD is allowed to visit you, in your (our) home. I do not like her, I will never go back to being part of your blended family, and one moment of disrespect to me or our home, I escort her out. If she pushes it, I will have her escorted off the property via Law Enforcement, thus she will not be allowed to step one foot on our property, ever again. Now, you had better tell her this, or I will." DH passed on the message and over the past 5 years my disengagement has had it's ups and downs, but is working.
OP needs to take control of her own destiny with her SD. My advice is for her to handle it on her own the way she feels safe with, leave DH out of it. It is apparent he will not handle it. My DH did nothing and has never had my back. He did tell SD what I ask him to, but he thinks I am a Bitch for doing it. So there you go. I have never regretted taking this into my own hands.
I think I would regularly
I think I would regularly text DH with GIFs of him standing idle while his bride is maligned by a ranting SD. Just to keep it in front of him that he is a waste of testicles.
smh...
My dad would have skinned us alive if we had maligned his wife as your SD maligns you to your DH. That his wife is our mother would have made the skinning worse.
My Skid got clarity in a hurry when he was disrespectful to my bride.
This is what men of character do when people attack their life partner.
Losing respect for DH
"I have now lost respect for DH for never shutting it down". The loss of respect that's nagging at me is part of my problem. DH claims that he "freezes up" when confrontations occur. I told him I should be his #1 priority, and he should shut down deplorable SD's behaviour. SD is single mom, never married, 36 years old. The last ferocious crisis was during SD and SGS's visit from out of state. Now DH is visiting with his daughter and 8 yo grandson. Leaving me alone for 3 weeks. This happened 2017 holiday season too, right after I lost my mother. DH was with his D and hisGS for 3 weeks. I was visiting my S and DIL for a while, but DH dropped me off and drove 4 more hours to his D. I was mourning my mom over holidays, and asked him to be with me for New Year's eve, and he said no, his schedule was too busy. Believe it or not, DH is a good guy, but I feel that I am relegated to the background when it comes time to be with his GS and D. We live 1000 miles from her. I'm looking for the magic key to get him to understand he should put our marriage first. BTW, SD has Borderline Personality Disorder which makes this all, literally insane.