Well, first, I am so sorry.  What a lonely place to be.

If it were me, this would be intolerable.  What other human would be allowed to speak about you like this to your DH? No one.

He can be married to her, or be married to you.  He is at fault here for allowing this childish behavior to continue.  She is using emotional blackmail to behave this way.

It is not ok and it has to stop.  You may have to hold him accountable or make another choice for yourself.

I have no advice, because I've never been in this situation.  To answer your question, OF COURSE your husband is complicit.  By not defending you, he's sending the message loud and clear to his spawn that it's OK to denigrate you.  I'm sorry you're being treated that way by the man who is supposed to love you.

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

Tell this to your husband. 

This is the entire quote:

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere. When human lives are endangered, when human dignity is in jeopardy, national borders and sensitivities become irrelevant. Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.” Elie Wiesel

Now this obviously pertains to oppression bigger than what your SD is doing to just you. But it holds true in your situation.

By remaining silent he’s telling SD that she right and just. If she were wrong her Father would certainly tell her, wouldn’t he? But he doesn’t, so in her mind he thinks the same as she does and agrees with her. He’s just incapable of doing anything about it.

I also feel this way when my husband doesn't defend me to his daughter.

But if I play devil's advocate, your SD isn't getting what she wants either -- which is for you to be gone. So in that sense, your husband is choosing you, even if he's not vocal about it as he should be.

I am non-confrontational. But now that I've disengaged, I don't hear anything SD says about me. You, on the other hand, have heard it, and not because you were snooping. It's time for her to not be in your house EVER. You should not have to hear it, especially because you've disengaged. Hearing that sends you into outerspace, as it would anyone. She came into your space and badmouthed you. Time for her to be banished.

It's not much comfort -- of course it would be better if he defended you. But if you don't hear it, that will bring you a little more peace and you'll question his complicity less. Time to lay down the law with your husband and tell him she may not come to your house.

What a poor sad little person she is and how awful for DH to agree to play this hateful dance just to keep the relationship going.  She probably does this in front of her children as well to ensure that the drama, hate, and dysfunction gets passed along to the next generation.   Yes your DH is complicit. She's throwing a grown woman tantrum and he's enabling it. He's also allowing her to emotionally abuse his grandchildren and raise lil SM hating stepford gskids.  

My DH did this w/his grown son too then he'd come home and report all the nasty things ss32 had said about me.  I was so shocked the first time I couldn't even speak. It's a sickening feeling knowing that your own husband will gladly throw you under the bus for a few precious crumbs of affection from his children.  

No one deserves this kind of treatment.  We're all "Too Old for this."   

This must really sting. And you found out what she said on your security video. It was like you were there and heard both of them. Your SD has issues with you and your DH is a big wuss. It is easier for him to let her go off on you than it is to shut this SD down. He will not do it. Period.

I don't get why these grown men have no balls. They don't want to have conflict with their family so instead they let this behavior continue. And the SM is the one who always gets thrown under the bus. It is crazy because they live with us. You would think they would want peace in the home they live in with their wife. But they let the wife feel hurt and somehow they think it is alright to live this way.

The only thing you can do is stick up for yourself because Wussy is not going to do it. He has no backbone when it comes to SD. Try your best to erase that video from your memory. One day you may reach your limit. We all have one.

So I can stand being married to someone I feel betrays me by not defending me, I've tried this: I try to look at this as my husband's Achilles heel. I try to think that he is as able to stand up to his daughter as I am able to swim the Atlantic or explain metaphysics.

It doesn't make it less painful, but it helps me get by knowing that I have weaknesses he endures, and they sometimes negatively affect him. I can say, "You didn't defend me to your daughter," to which he could reply, "But you don't stand up to your mother and sister, so I must endure your miserable moods when they walk all over you." This helps a little because I know why I don't stand up to my sister and mother. It doesn't make it right that I don't, but I understand it when others might not. 

Trying to equate his failure to mine isn't a fix, but it can help when I'm really frustrated with him. They are hardly equal failures, but perhaps to a third party they'd appear equally baffling.

... because A) so many others perfectly describe what it's like being disrespected by skid(s) and undefended by OP; B) because I was just told to "get the fuck out" of my home & blamed for DH's stress after SS pulled more of his disrespect. I heard SS mock our marriage/me & DH did not defend me or kick him out.

Just before that, SS was supposed to be on his way to school already, but was f*cking around instead, so I asked DH, "Is he going to school?" and pointed out the time. DH raged at SS and told him to get the F out, get to school on time, and go live with BM if he doesn't like it. THAT was effective as SS immediately left. Than DH raged at me, I Hope You're Happy. I just said, I'm leaving too" and DH goes Get the F out.

Too upset to type up a new blog, just overwhelmed with the scene & sad that my DH doesn't get that ignoring SS until something blows up then blaming me SUX. Another shitty morning courtesy of SS18 oh wait I mean it's my fault, right?! My fault for not being okay with stoney senior staying home again instead of attending school. My fault for watching DH do SS's ignored chores, while SS is lounging in bed planning to skip class(es), again. My fault for telling DH it made me sick to hear SS mock him & me to DH's face, uncorrected. I could NOT stand it so yes, not an official "disengeged" move to point out SS not leaving for school on time. But I just could not stsnd SS continuing to camp out in his room today - so offended by that. And I can trace the rampant class cutting to DH's failure to follow up on two skipped classes at the very beginning of the year, when I handed the school's parent account over to DH and DH promptly started never checking the online grades or attendance. Once SS18 saw the zero-consequence situation, he took it and ran. Now, in spite of failing grades & truancy letters, I'M the *ss for saying something.

Sucks.

So sorry you are going through this.  There are so many adult SK’s on this forum that behave like they are masters of their parents universe.  This is what the final outcome of truly terrible parenting looks like.  This behavior should have been dealt with when these adults were children, but for whatever reason was not dealt with.  They have raised adults that I suspect very few people actually like.  Your husband looks like a coward not only to you, but also to his kids and that is why they keep doing this.  It must be truly awful to feel like you deserve or must take this from his own children.  At some point, he must face the truth and deal with this mess that has been allowed to go on for so long.  He must let his kids know, in no uncertain terms, that their behavior is unacceptable and ends now.  Then the ball is in their court, behave respectfully or don’t come around his and his wife’s home.  15 years putting up with this is way too long.

I think I would regularly text DH with GIFs of him standing idle while his bride is maligned by a ranting SD.  Just to keep it in front of him that he is a waste of testicles.

smh...

My dad would have skinned us alive if we had maligned his wife as your SD maligns you to your DH.  That his wife is our mother would have made the skinning worse.

My Skid got clarity in a hurry when he was disrespectful to my bride.

This is what men of character do when people attack their life partner.

Yes, sadly he IS complicit.  At the very least he should have said to his daughter that he was NOT prepared to hear her disparage you, and that she should keep her pie hole shut if she wanted to continue to have a relationship with him. As Rags said, men of character do not stand by and tolerate their life partner being verbally slated.  

You are not alone. Like other posters mentioned, these men are just cowards worried about their own comfort zone. The only peace I have is in NEVER being around the dysfunction and that includes HIM anytime he is with them....They do not come to my house and insult me any longer, they lost that priviledge too. Blocked from FB and even texting for me---because they started "accidentally" texting me insulting things.  Of course, if I said anything I would be the evil one, their goal of course. I said nothing, I just have not seen them in years and hope this peace can continue for the rest of my life. Keep this clip, for certain.  This vile woman would never set foot in my home again.

I used to be repulsed at DH for being a doormat and weakling. But, after I decided to take control of my own life, I did not think of it as much, I just accepted it.  I am only around people who enhance my life; life is too short to do anything otherwise.

I came from a very close family on my mother’s side - where we lived. My mother had 7 sisters. They were all very close and my cousins (about 30)were more like siblings.  So I do know what “family “ is. 

My DH has 4 married siblings with children  - we all love each other. Again- great family relationships. 

And then there is ss33 - mr bottom feeder that no one wants to be around. Drugs, alcohol, violence- he’s beaten up or tried to beat up his mother, father,  various elderly persons and anyone else who has “disrespected” him. 

I have ZERO desire to ever make him part of my family. When I first met DH I told him to invite SS to my family’s holiday meal as we always welcome another person. OMG - SS showed up at our home the night before strung out on drugs. Eek!  One of my cousins is a DEA agent. - I could not bring that POS ago our family dinner. 

So I do not feel that I am missing anything because DH has a relationship with him that I am not a part of.