The Crazy Stays Boxed Up Only So Long!
I havent posted much lately. Been reading a lot of posts though. However, I'm beyond angry at this point based on recent events and could use some input from others. I have been disengaged from SD 41 and SS 43 for almost 10 years now due to aggressive and nasty behavior from both of them. I finally had had enough of their constant drama and blaming me for every thing they were t happy with just because I dared to exist. My life has been so much more peaceful not having to deal with them till now.
When I last posted I discussed SD41s tirade over not inviting her to an engagement party for my bio that I had at my house. The drama she created over that event was ridiculous and I was worried about how she would behave at future wedding events. SD 41 and SS 43 were both invited to the wedding. SS 43 created drama with my bio by demanding that bio phone him and talk to him before he would agree to come to the wedding. Bio texted a response but refused to call him as bio felt that SS could RSVP using the pre addressed stamped reply card like all of the other guests. SD 41 tried the same tactic but finally sent the RSVP. However, drama did ensue before the RSVP was returned by texts to daddy telling him how she would be uncomfortable and grand steps would be uncomfortable so may not come and if they did they would probably leave early. The reason for the early departure was because she supposedly doesn't like confrontation and she deals with uncomfortable situations by removing herself and avoiding them. Gag - The opposite is actually true!
Of course daddykins begs her to attend so she finally sends the RSVP for herself and her new fiancé (second marriage). SS43 doesn't attend because bio didn't call him.
Miss "I avoid uncomfortable situations" stayed for the entire wedding and made sure she positioned herself where I would have to talk to her multiple times. I was polite. During one of these encounters fiancé makes a big show of locking lips with SD 41 in front of me after declaring their happiness. As I had already congratulated her on her engagement and i am glad she is happy I don't understand what the purpose of that obviously staged show was for? All ideas appreciated because I am still perplexed.
Despite the obvious funny about her declaring she avoided uncomfortable situations but then deliberately sought me out numerous times, the wedding went off smoothly. But then again I had already warned H multiple times not to bring me or the bride either one of the steps trivial complaints so it may be I just didn't hear about it. Either way I was good.
Unfortunately recently we were invited to attend SD 41destination wedding. I did not attend the wedding but stayed with H and bios. Both bios are young adults now 22 and 20 and they attended her wedding with Significant others and H. They stayed for 3 1/2 hours until the bride changed clothing. They were getting ready to leave and asked the brides new husband where the bride was. Before they could make it across the room to tell the bride goodbye the new spouse told her they were leaving. Bride exploded and flipped bios off several times simply because they were leaving. Since bride was rapidly angry saying things like they could just leave in colorful terms no goodbyes were exchanged and H and bios left.
Before they got home SS43 is texting Daddy to say that SD 43 was just mad because she wanted bios to stay late and party with her. 20 year olds really don't want to party with 41 year olds so I don't know what she expected. Also, they are not close due to all of the temper tantrums SD has had over the years and my deciding to disengage when SD was in her 30s due to this behavior. Consequently bios interactions with her were limited over the years. Actually, their interactions with her were limited even before I disengaged because she only used the youngest bio as a babysitter for her brood and didn't really interact with bio when she saw her. Bio has a better relationship with one of the neighborhood mothers than her 1/2 sister SD41.
SS43 then texts Daddykins telling him he needs to come to breakfast at the rental he, the bride and groom, BM, and all of BMs family are staying at. Stupid H meekly says ok.
This made me angry because first off she flipped off my daughters for no good reason and then H goes chasing after her SD41 caused it *diablo* WTH why did you agree to go running after her. I don't really give a damn why she once again lost her shit over nothing and directed it at one of us. I want to scream!
i confronted H with this the next morning and he lied and said he wasn't going In reality he texted SS 43 later and found out no one got up for breakfast which I suspect is the only reason he didn't go or attempt to go.
Ss43 that afternoon texts H telling him he needs to come see SD 41 as she needs "moments" with him. Now mind you she didn't even let H give her away during the wedding she made a big production of asking SS43 to do it - but now she needs her daddy
I wasn't able to finish so I'll continue in the comments
Once H rushes over to meet her, SD feeds him a new excuse of why she went ballistic. Although her brother already texted H twice that she was only mad because H and bios were leaving, SD 41 now tells H that she was mad because she thought H wasn't going to personally tell her he was leaving. Once again she attempts to shift the blame to someone else. She claims she owns her bad behavior of flipping off bios and tells H she will take care of apologizing to bios. Then there's a lot of discussion about how she doesn't have a relationship with bios wha, wha, wha and how exhausting it was to plan and have the party. Etc., Etc., ad nauseum. H sympathizes and buys into it all hook line and sinker. Gag!
Meanwhile it comes out that H asked my bios not to tell me what she had done. I'm beyond furious at him.
i don't know, maybe it's just me but I've always managed the stress of putting on events and parties without flipping off and cussing at my guests???? I mean her bios didn't even attend my bios wedding. Should I have gone off on them???? Ridiculous.
Then today poor SD sent a long text to H telling him that she had sent apologies to bios by text and that neither bio responded and she felt they weren't going to. She demanded that he help her with "this". Stated that you are our dad and you are the reason we are not close so you need to fix it with bios who SD 41 had hurt and insulted. Looks as though she was offensive, abusive, and hurtful to bios yet she expects daddykins to demand that bios accept her lame apology .
I feel SD41 and her own behavior is the reason she is not close to my bios. Once she showed her behind to me to the point that I disengaged she was not allowed in my house so it's only natural that she saw little of H and bios. She also made no effort to invite H to anything over the years and H didn't make an effort to see her either.
Unbelievably h said he would call bios. I asked bios if he had called and he hadn't but SD 41 texted back thanking H because one of bios did respond to her.
I am so angry that H can not understand how wrong all of this is and unfair to place bios in the middle of this crap. The nerve of her asking him to demand that my bios respond to her. They don't ever have to accept her apology and if they choose to it should be when they feel like it. I'm beyond livid that this crap keeps happening.
Helpful thoughts appreciated.
First of all, congratulations
First of all, congratulations on your daughter's wedding. I'm sure you raised her well, and that she'll have a long, happy, and healthy marriage.
Wow, your skids really work in concert, don't they? And your toxic SD never fails to disappoint. The brother conspires with the sister, they stayed in the same house for her wedding, and he gave her away. Smells like old issues and resentment there.
Your bios are adults now, so they are free to build whatever sort of relationship they want with their adult half sibs. And they should have no compunction about telling their father to stop meddling. He should be embarrassed to have allowed his eldest daughter to make him her bi!ch boy. How unattractive and pathetic that is.
You're entering a new phase of married life; the kids are grown; the nest is mostly empty; and you're left with each other. It can be so freeing to just say, Hey, we are all adults now so no further need for pretense. This might be a good time to do some couples counseling in order to hash this step poo out and lay down some ground rules for moving forward. Lack of honesty and respect are relationship killers, so you might have to draw a boundary with your H. I think I'd also reevaluate finances, too.
Well, they accomplished their
Well, they accomplished their goal of getting to you. Be thankful the wedding is over, you don’t have to see them any time soon and don’t try to figure out the crazy. Your bios will have decide for themselves how they relate to their crazy siblings and their enabling father.
I think it's
wierd that your ss texts your dh to say what sd needs. they are grown adults acting like children in the age of electronics.
I have several friends whose
I have several friends whose children have much older half siblings. None of the younger sibs are close at all to the older ones. Ninety % of all the sibs are decent people (unlike yours) but they just don’t have a sibling connection.
Notasm3
i know! I don't understand what SD 41 expects given the age difference. The bios have more in common with SD 41s children as they are closer in age. But even then Sd 41s children are several years younger, enough that my bios at this time don't want to really hang out with them. Youngest Bio thinks SD 41 keeps trying to show her how "cool" she is (for lack of a better term as I don't try to be). Maybe since SD and SS act like children, they feel they relate better to young adults. LOL. IDK.
Agreed
The aggravating part is that we had booked a nice rental to enjoy together. I was to pay half. The plans were to be together except for the wedding. H knew that yet he tried unsuccessfully to rope bios into going to a rehearsal dinner the first night because her highness SD 41 demanded bios presence (bios declined) and H then spent our last day together chasing after her to appease her after she true to form showed her ass. On her wedding day no less. Prior to the weekend we had not been invited to anything beyond the wedding so planned accordingly
And yes I agree, it is SO unattractive of H to chase after the step adults. and its difficult for me to even look at him right now. I know I definitely have an H problem here.
H's answer to my complaints about him allowing her tirades to disrupt our weekend were that he would pick up the tab for everything.
I told him ok if that is how he wants to handle it but I suspect based upon past experience that when the bill comes in he's going to conveniently say he forgot and ask me for 1/2. I do not plan to back down though as he was the one responsible for allowing her to disrupt our weekend.
Poor delusional H looked like a whipped dog when I informed him on the return trip home that there was not a chance that I would ever include or invite the crazies back into my life! After all of this time fool is still that delusional. H had tried to convince me about a year ago that SD 41 had grown up since the earlier crazy nasty behavior. I had just laughed at him at the time and told him she was a grown ass mid 30s adult and was already grown when it last happened,plus the text she sent saying ugly things about me at that time showed she had not changed one bit.
After this recent weekend, He did admit that SD 41 wasn't helping her case any with her latest actions. I was surprised he would even admit that.
I have no issues with my bios making their own decisions regarding SD 41. Even if they make an attempt to be friendly at first, due to the age difference they really have nothing in common and neither bio is going to put up with her crazy demanding behavior for long. SD 41 is one of those people that puts up a fake facade that can only Last so long before she goes off on you when you don't do what she wants you to.
It just infuriates me to see SD 41 manipulate H to demand bios do anything after the way she acted and my spineless H agreeing to put pressure on bios because her highness demanded it. As I stated earlier bios had a right to process what had happened on their own timeline and respond or not based upon their own feelings rather than be made to feel they have to be loyal to daddy.
I really have no concerns about them figuring out the toxic twins behavior pretty quick.
Two words: stay disengaged.
Two words: stay disengaged.
Your SD had not seen all of you together in a long time. She had an audience and a lot of time to make up for.
My bios are adults and my SDs are middle aged adults. If they want a relationship with my bios they can facilitate it, but they don't. I stay out of everything. I will go to no events where SDs are present except funerals where my DH wants me with him. I disengaged for good reason (two close gossipy sisters with the support of additional family is very trying) and there is no event that would make me give it up.
Congratulations on the
Congratulations on the wedding.
I checked your profile and did not see any info on your bios. Are they joint with your DH and how old are they? Neve mind on their ages. I just saw that info on the threat. Early 20s.
hi rags -
My bios are joint with H. He's not DH right now!
Thats what I was thinking and
Thats what I was thinking and what I was afraid of. How pathetic is it that a supposed adult woman who was 20+ when her younger half sibs were born is such a juvenile diva that she feels compelled to flip off her 20-ish year old younger sibs?
I get why H has lost his D status. Your kids must struggle with his failure to support them and his favoritism towards a failed middle aged adult.
WTF!!
"I feel SD41 and her own behavior is the reason she is not close to my bios." Ya think?!!!! After she flipped them off? That's justification for your bios to tell SD that they are returning the sentiments and are done with her. SD is old enough to be the bio's Mother, why would they want to hang with her? Then trying to be 'cool' around them - just creepy.
It sounds like she was having a mega-tantrum, and the momentum just kept going. This is the epitome of a 'Bridezilla'. I agree with exjulie - time for some couples counseling. Your DH needs to get clarification on why he should be kissing SD's butt after she punished him by not allowing him to walk her down the aisle. He also needs help with his guilt and learning to stand up for himself. I can't blame you for being livid.
Thank goodness you will resume disengagement, leave this nightmare behind and get on with your life.
These fathers live a fantasy
These fathers live a fantasy life, straddling the fence in a way that no intact male could and frequently being the only one buying their b.s. Your H has a great wife plus two sets of kids, and it's only when these daddees try to force everyone together that the friction becomes unbearable.
I really hope you'll make this debacle a springboard for severing all contact with your H's older kids. You've bent over backwards over the years with no appreciable change. It's past time to leave all that to your H to deal with.
Update
Turns out that youngest bio observed SD 41 showing signs of jealousy throughout the reception. Youngest bio noticed SD 41 watching her dad stick close to bios during the wedding reception and looking none too pleased.
So I guess her tirade when they were leaving had been brewing all night. It seems that SD 41s dad and my bios are afraid of her temper so everyone is putting up a facade of playing nice but from a distance which is obviously not sustainable. No one wants to confront her but they definitely want to avoid her.
H will go back to not being involved and bios will respond by text but avoid her at all costs.
I feel sorry for her and if one could reason with her I would suggest her getting help as she obviously has issues she needs to resolve. SD 41 needs to resolve the reality that her father is a flawed man and not this fantasy father she feels she deserves but H will never come close to being.
The sad reality is though that nothing I have to say would do anything other than cause more chaos despite my honest concern for her wellbeing and the feeling I get that this woman desperately needs to get help and resolve some of these issues from the past.
She craves attention from H that she will never receive if she continues this same behavior but it's like she can't help continuing this negative pattern that gets her no closer to what she really wants. She is her own worst enemy but will never see it. Sad.
Catch 22
This is a catch 22. I agree SD41 definitely needs help but if you suggest it you alreasy know what the outcome is. Even though it is threatening for DH he is the one who is going to have to suggest SD obtain help. If he continues to be disengaged from her, he will be the the target of her wrath. If he does suggest help SD will be angry with him for but at least it will be out there for her to consider when she wonders why no one wants anything to do with her.
You have just described my
You have just described my SD26 to a T. And my DH has no idea what to do with her so he ignores and avoids her too at this point in his life. My SD has even singled out our DD15 as well (I think it's a catty jealous girl thing), instead of the 3 BS's. As a result DD wants nothing to do with SD anymore, it took my SD 2 attempts of one minute acting mean then the next acting nice as though she loved DD so much. Jkyle and Hyde much?!. I'm PISSED for you the way your DH handled the situation with your bios and SD. It seems like it was easier for him to give into SD's wishes and avoid the drama. It may be that he is more secure in his relationships with your bios and has a foundation with them and saw it as a quick fix. Either way it's not your DD's responsibility to fix his relationship with his f'ed up daughter and it's damn sure not their responsibility to make your SD feel good about herself. I mean come on where does your DH draw the line and SD should be ashamed of herself to stoop that low. She should also be ashamed that her half sisters are more mature then her. She spent her damn wedding weekend 'one upping' her younger siblings. Her DH should feel slighted.
Based on your posts it seems like your SD is jealous of your DH bond with your bios and is lashing out at them because she feels like he is the father to them that he never was to her. I just tell my DD, "It's not you as a person it's the place you have in y'alls dad life that she hates and that's her problem to deal with. You didn't ask to be born and you're not forcing your parents to stay together". It's a shame that we have to have these talks with our kids just because we fell in love and married men with kids.
Your SD has serious psych issues and need help. You can't even enjoy your peace from disengagement because she insists on going after your sweet girls, since you stepped out of her line pf fire. Hopefully they will disengage too and tell your DH to shove it (figuratively) if he tries to object. Tell your DH to clean up his own mess and leave you and bios out of it going forward. They are all old enough to establish whatever relationship they wish to have and your DH facilitating days are long gone.