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I couldnt bite my tounge!

smnikki's picture

this last weekend i was photographing a wedding, and the bride who was 5 months prego had me show up at two when the hair and make up did because she didnt want me to be late...anyways, so i was sitting around basically for quite some time before they were ready for photos...

the bridesmaid starts talking about how her ex was invited but not his gf, but when he sent in the rsvp, he rsvp'd for the two of them, and the bride was so annoyed, but relented and let the gf come. The bridesmaid (also the bm) goes on to say that she is so hurt and cant deal with when she has to see her child interact with the gf, and shes glad her daughter is not at the wedding. She also says that when she was talking to her ex the gf was answering things and did the same for ex mil. She also said that she was heart broken because her daughter said mommy bm, and wonders if she says mommy sm to the gf.

so they are all talking about how horrible this soon to be sm is, blah blah, poor bm etc...

i couldnt help myself... I say, actually im a step mom, and i find it quite offensive that you feel that way, and im curious if you ever thought to think how she feels? Do you think its fair that she is un invited because you are uncomfortable, that she should stay home while he is here? If you had moved on and your bf couldnt bring you to a friends event because his ex was there, would you be happy?

Also, when you and ex were together, did you answer questions for him? Yes, was her answer! I said, well then, this woman is now in a relationship with him, do you feel she doesnt have the same rights in a relationship with him as you did? Why should she change her relationship just because you exist?

Lastly, i can only speak for myself but if this woman is nice and respectful to you, then i can say that she is in no way trying to replace you, nor does she want to. She is trying to care for the child when she is around simply because she loves the father. she chooses to care about her well being she is not forced to, and for that she should be appreciated. I have a step son, and 50% of the time i am the mother figure in his life, weather bm likes it or not. Thats part of what you sign up for when you get a divorce! I cook for, clean up after, teach, wash clothes, the list as we all know goes on...anyways, so i say, i do A LOT for ss and if he wanted to give me a name like mommy nikki, then i would love that! not because i want o be his mother, but because to me it shows that he appreciates what i do for him, and values me in his life! Wouldnt you want some one you did things for to acknowledge you? Would you want this woman to stop doing everything she does for your daughter? wouldnt that be selfish?

everyone in the room suddenly had light bulbs going off! SM 1 BM 0

the biggest part to me is, why do these bm's still feel that they get to control the life of FH/DH/BF? Dont they get that when they got divorced they eliminated this right?


WowjustWow's picture

I really thought that was going to have a different ending. Good for you! Maybe that's all it takes is these BM's to hear it from someone else (a friend, sister, neighbor, random person) to understand what it is like.

I'm proud of you for saying something, I don't know if I would have had the guts to do so.

Sasha's picture

You're a photographer? H and I are starting to get into photography as a hobby, just something to do in our spare time. Do you have any good websites you can recommend we read that will give us a few pointers? Thanks in advance!

smnikki's picture

in particular. I think a good thing to do is to look at other photographers sites and then see what you like, and then practice to accomplish similar results. I took photography in hs and college, but also i have worked with my father who is a photographer since i was 12, (15 years) helping him. one thing i would stress is to really learn the mechanics of a camera, what your shutter speed is, the aperture, and the ISO setting, and how they are all related. Most people think they can point and shoot a camera in program, get a good shot and they are a good photographer. if you understand the mechanics of how your equipment work you photos will come out much better!

KeepsGettingBetter's picture

If I give you BM number can you please ring her and tell her exactly what you said above, I don't think I would be able to say it as nicely as you ;).

A job done with class and tack. Kudos to you Nikki.

imagr8tma's picture

Im a BM and SM and I am glad you had the opportunity to tell the person that......... I would love to be able to say it.

frustratedinMA's picture

nicely put.. good for you.. you might have just saved that woman a trip to this site!!! I would have added, would you prefer that his gf pretend that your child doesnt exist and not help her out when she needs it?

kaffonseca's picture

a eloquent way of getting your point had commented to me recently your opinion on something and you could have come off as harsh and judgemental but you weren' got your point across and in a respectful way..I admire that and was thankful.

If you go back to the blogs you were referring to - they are no longer there..not because of BM or FH (he could care less) but because your words made me think twice.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"

smnikki's picture

Its because of all of your wonderful women (and men) and your advice and support that i have been able to see just how important we sm's are! and for that i am thankful! I dont know what mental state i would be in otherwise.

It seems to me that because we did not give birth to these children, people quickly ignore how much we do! Most importantly, how much we do because we choose to, not because we have to! We are important, substantial, people in these childrens life's! If we were simply care givers for these children we would be commended for our efforts, but because of the insecurities of the bm being threatened by a woman in her child's life, our care goes un recognized!

It is about time that people, especially bm's in my life see what is really going on! lol, i never really have been able to keep my opinions to myself, and im not about to start now