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Baby Shower pics

soccermom830's picture

Hi everyone!  I have a question to ask your opinion if I'm being overly sensitive?  Yesterday was the baby shower for oldest daugher of my SO.  It went well except for the youngest daughter pretending we weren't there (including her father which was interesting to witness - apparently she punishes him too - glad i saw that with my own two eyes).  Guess i wasn't paying attention a few weeks ago when she did the same thing i guess.  We had a dinner friday night where she actually started warming up but then 2 days later with her Mother here from out of town, we are invisible again.  UNTIL, it's time to take pictures after the shower with the parents.  She made sure she slipped mom in dad's pic with pregnant daughter and husband and left me out of any pics completely.  Which is understandable I guess - a pic of mom and dad with pregnant daughter and husband?  odd to me kind of though since they haven't been together in years. 

But what irritates me is that the daughter's husband's parents aren't being included in pics together. just my SO with his ex and posted to his FB page.  I think because the mother doesn't like the father but i saw them talking.  i'm sure also the 2nd wife would have thrown a huge fit if there were pics of him and his ex posted to his page without her.  just because we aren't married is this ok to disclude me and take pics with ex wife?  was it really necessary and disrespectul to me?  We have been together for over two years.  The mother of daughter's husband is alone in pic and a pic of the father and 2nd wife in another.  They also took one of my SO with his daughter and son-in-law but still felt the need to take one of his ex too and put on his facebook.  Weird to me since I was there too and wasn't asked to be in one pic except i was actually included on a group pic.  it wasn't WEDDING pics - it is a BABY shower!  the oldest daughter has been nice to me too.  I don't get it.  Is this a jab to me or no?  i know - he should have insisted on me being in a picture but he wouldn't in that situation - it's her show and he just does what he's told. 

Your thoughts.   

Livingoutloud's picture

Why do you want to be in the pictures? You two just started dating again after being broken up and after broken engagement. Honestly it’s understandable to not want pics of someone parent is dating (not married and not engaged and not even at least cohabitation and it’s on and off kind of thing).

 

They probably don’t think of you as permanent fixture in dads life. You were included on group pics and it sounds good enough for me. I don’t care what people post on FB so I don’t know if it’s wrong or not.

Honestly not being on baby shower pictures is the least of the worries here. This relationship is full of drama since it started. Wasn’t there an issue a year ago with wedding pictures and then one issue after another ad now baby shower pics issue ? You have two options. Accept how it’s going to be or leave. It won’t change  

soccermom830's picture

i don't know - why does anyone want to be included in anything?  to feel a part of a family you are involved with?  to want to go further with said family - to not feel excluded - ???  and yes the younger daughter has caused a ton of issues but it's not like everyone else here doesn't have issue with step children - that IS why they are here right?  geez.  and yeah even when we were engaged, it wasn't any different - it's an excuse - just started dating again - etc.  who cares?  treat everyone involved with respect and kindness.  it's not hard.  she didn't have to adore the picture or even keep it.  and yes, he stays with me alot.  we are in a committed relationship and they know it.  i'm not a stranger.  but yeah even though she's been nice, doesn't mean anything will change.  they are very needy when it comes to their father.  very sad.

 

 

Livingoutloud's picture

If being in pictures is important for you then you should be able to tell your SO. And if he cares about you, he’d make sure you are included in pictures.

I don’t think the issue is YSD. The issue is SO who just doesn’t have your back. If he put you first, none of this would be an issue.

I also had a SO years ago who didn’t make me a priority and I always thought it was issue with exSD. But really it was not.

I left and now have a DH who puts me first. It doesn’t mean my now SDs are wonderful, it just means I am being a priority regardless what SDs do or don’t do.

And honestly him staying in your house isn’t indication of commitment. Commitment would be making you a priority and making sure you don’t feel constantly slighted for over a year. 

Rags's picture

I take universal exception to rude.  I confront it and bare it's ass publically when people play the rude card. 

Your SO's spawn was rude.  Were I you I would have probably wedged myself in just for the sake of snarky principal. That way whether I remained in the long term relationship with her dad or not... she would have an eternal remider that she was rude and I won.  Next time hit your favorite designer shoe, clothing and accessory spots, hit the salon and go dressed to the nines and beaming success and happiness.  There is no better way to rub the noses of rude assholes in their own stench than to be happy and radiant in your presence on the arm of your SO.

But maybe that is just me.

TwoOfUs's picture

lol.

Gotta love Rags. 

Is it a new thing to have guys go to baby showers? When I was in college / going through my 20's, it was decidedly a girl thing...usually something your friends threw for you, not family. The family either did their own shower(s) or they just gave presents privately. 

I don't know. I think it's tacky for the preggo mom-to-be to sit there with her family and her husband and have a party and open gifts. It should be something your friends do for you...not some sad excuse to try to get your long-divorced parents to be in the same room together. Did they do bridal showers this way, too? 

 

soccermom830's picture

very odd TwoOfUs.  I guess a friend threw it but the family and husbands were invited.  that's what i said - men at a baby shower?  i'm sure they enjoyed it.  not.  ugh  it was very strange.  had never been to one with men involved ever.

soccermom830's picture

i was not invited to the bridal shower but i think that was all women.  i told him i should have been invited.  he said it's just her friends.  i saw pics - clearly it was family too.  whatever. 

Rags's picture

Couples showers are not necessarily a new thing. My XILs threw one for my XW and I in addition to her bridal shower.  I am generally not a fan but that was 30+yrs ago so in my case is far from a recent thing.  Just an overt gift grab methodology IMHO.

Interestingly this increasing trend is being camouflaged with cutesy titles like "gender reveal party", etc.......  Personally these are perfect opportunities for men to check their balls into their SOs purses.   

Wink

 

And they are throwing more than one of them per pregnancy.  For some reason there has to be at least one Gender Reveal and one or more baby showers, etc.....   How many times can the gender of a single zygote be revealed?  My IL clan threw three of them during the gestation of  our youngest niece with strict instructions to the attendees of the earlier reveals/showers to not say a word to anyone since they were having more than one party.  Some people attended all three.  My wife included though she only gave them one gift. She took it back and re-wrapped it for the two subsequent parties at my insistence.  I was on the shit list for that one but this crap gave a visceral aversion to the concept even stronger than the one I had over the Couples Shower three + decades ago.

But hey, maybe its just me.  Pardon

susanm's picture

THREE gender reveals???  That is insane.  I think gender reveals are pretty silly as it is but to have more than one is essentially putting a sign on the house saying "Deposit Gifts Here."

soccermom830's picture

you're the best, Rags!  haha  i just couldn't though~!  haha  i thought i looked good though.  haha

Rags's picture

Thanks... I think.   *wink*      As much as I love girls... at least one very special girl.... I am not one.  Guy, I'm a guy! 

SMto2's picture

First, I'm with the camp that is wondering why men were at a baby shower. ha ha ha! Beyond that, I don't understand why BM's side of the family and your SO's side of the family didn't have separate showers. I don't know the backstory here, but under normal circumstances, it would have been appropriate for you (or maybe your SO's mom/sister?) to host it. (I hosted the shower for my oldest SS's second child--story on first child below!) Since apparently there was only one shower, I think it was rude not to take a pic of you and SO with the SD and her hubby. My MIL always makes everyone take TWO photos if her children are dating someone--one without the dating partner, and one with! ha ha ha. And while I would have hated the thought of my DH posing with BM in any pic, I don't think it would have been nearly as big a deal if there had been one with you and your SO also. My oldest SS was not speaking to DH when his wife gave birth to their first child, so we were not invited to, nor did we have, ANY showers!

Major Blunder's picture

I was the only male at a baby shower back in my twenties, I was the only male at the work place and the shower was for a co-worker, small office, they didn't want to leave me out.  Being the person that I am I met the challenge and went, played all the games lol, won half of them and got to eat a ton of food since the MTB's GM kept filling my plate , one of the best parties I have ever been too  lol

soccermom830's picture

yeah who knows - i guess everyone does it differently with showers.  i know men could care less about them. 

so i just ran into the ex wife, the hateful daughter and the daugher in law going to lunch for my bday with coworkers.  amazingly enough, all three ignored me like i wasn't even there.  even the daughter in law who has been so nice to my face.  unless she somehow didn't see me.  i'm not buying it.  so i mentioned it to my SO and he said "don't let it bother you.  you can't control other people." i said why cant you say something to your daughter?  he didn't acknowledge it.  he refuses.  i said why would i want to spend time with these people to be shunned in public?  why would i want to be in a family like this?  he thinks i should just ignore it.  not sure i can.  i don't see it changing cause he won't.  gawd.  what is wrong with these men?  more importanty, why do i care so much?  i guess cause it's my precious time i waste hanging out with him and hateful people he is related to he refuses to not see if they can't treat me with respect!  infuriating!! 

 

still learning's picture

What a gaggle of b*tches!  Be thankful they're ignoring you. Do you really wanna hang out with the mean girls? 

disrestep's picture

I know how you feel when you are purposely excluded from photos with your significant other or when adult skids cannot even acknowledge their bio parent's presence just because they need to play mean games and cannot respect your relationship. It didn't matter when DH and I were dating, engaged or married. The exclusion, ignoring  and photo games continue.

It's funny, if you think about it when you are out with a group of friends and someone wants to take a picture of your significant other. How often does a friend purposely leave the other half of a couple out? I've never heard a friend say, "hey disrestep, we need to get a pic of DH here, but not you." or even motion to do that. Decent people don't ignore and exclude others

It's hard not to care, as it's just human nature to want to get along and I don't think any of us expected such blatantly rude behavior by adult skids. 

Good for you for letting your SO know how you feel. He sounds like how my DH was at first, but in time things change and maybe your SO will get tired of these people treating you like this. What I've done is right when the rudeness happens, I point it out to my DH so he cannot pretend he didn't notice. If I get dagger eyes from the adult steps and company, I give them right back. I use to just sit and smile, but no more. 

DH and I have the photo exclusion game worked out in that when adult skids and company try to push me out of a photo, DH pulls me by his side and we laugh at their reaction. Hee, hee.

So, just try and deal with them the best you can and do what makes you feel the best. I bet too they saw you at lunch. 

soccermom830's picture

yes i have noticed i am way too nice to these fake bitches.  trying so hard to gain their approval - i'm done!  screw them. 

that's great about your pics.  kudos to him!  he wouldn't have the balls!  both of his daughters are bossy bullies who control him.

soccermom830's picture

yeah i do not want to hang out with them - i just want to at least be acknowledged  like i'm not the invisible woman.  it's a shit show for sure that i will not be involved in ever again.  if he wants to go hang out with a bunch of bitches, then he can go for it.  i'm not involved anymore.  i have tried my best and it's not worth my hurt feelings anymore.  and get this - yesterday when i was talking to him about it and was upset - i said aren't you going to say SOMETHING to her?  why can't you distance from someone who is so hateful to me in public even?  he said no, i'm not.  i already barely talk to her.  and it won't do any good.  then it comes out hours later that he did that very thing days before the friday night dinner and his daughter told him she was being nice and he said he told her no she wasn't.  he never tells me these things though to make me feel better until i am seething!! i don't get that at all. especially the fact that he cannot admit she has no respect for him at all! 

he also said he invited her and her bf to the car races the night of the shower to which they didn't show.  i said why didn't you even tell me or ask me if it was ok with me?  because if she didn't show, he didn't want me to think it was rude of them.  i said i cannot think any worse of your daughter than i already do.  hello Bueller? Bueller?  have you been in this relationship?  your daughter treats me like SHIT!  omg amazing!  i got so mad saying how about you include me and discuss these things with me - including telling me that you talk to your daughter about her treatment of me?  wouldn't that make me feel better?!  duh!!!  he just does not want me to know that she could care less what he asks of her.  it's no secret to me she is awful.  wow

 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Men in general care about their own comfort first. He doesn't bring things up because he is afraid of a fight if he does. He does not think far enough into the future to think about the fight that will happen because he DIDN'T do something.

He is not going to distance himself from his own child. That is something we as SM's have to accept or move on. It's not a natural situation, and one that I grapple with.

No man wants to admit that someone - especially his child - has no respect for him at all. It is more important for men to be respected than loved. 

I have had to work on viewing the situation from DH's lens rather than my own. He has other needs, things driving him, than I do. You should do the same and then figure out if you can accept it. You have been dealing with the situation for a long time.  It will not got better. You have to decide if you can accept it or not.

still learning's picture

Remeber that when she's a b*tch she's revealing who she is not who you are, and it's no secret to anyone especially her own father that she's an overgrown brat.  I've dealt with the invisible woman treatment and had to laugh at the absurdity of it. SDIL and I get on alright but her mother and sister are another story, I don't know why but it may be something about being in Camp BM. Every freaking time I am in the same space as SDIL's mom and sister they act like they don't see me and they've never met me before. I'll be standing there for 5 minutes then SDIL's mom will suddenly see me, make a faint grunt of acknowledgment and continue the ignore game. SDIL's sister has to be reintroduced to me every single time. I just say, "We've met". Backstory: the sister has been to my house for a BBQ, I've babysat her kid on more than one occasion and we've been at a few car shows together buuuut....she still can't remember me, my husband no problem but me it's "Oh yeah, I remember you now."  I suppose it's a slight that's supposed to hurt my feelings, for me it's entertainment and only reveals how ridiculous these catty women are. DH on more than one occasion has remarked what b*tches they are and he doesn't know how ss30 puts up w/them.  Your husband sees it just like mine does but will never address it because they have no idea how to naviagate the intricate web of women's unspoken interatctions.  

I've read about how school girls can be meaner than boys bullying through exclusion and shunning, the same jr high treatment you're getting from SD.  

soccermom830's picture

what i do not get is why the men can get soooo pissed at us but not show their evil daughters their disgust!!! or if they do, why do the daughters continue to act like nothing happened and when we are not around, they continue contacting dad, etc.  are men really that dumb to think that daughters don't know it is ok then to treat dad's SO AND him in her presence like complete shit and it is like a go ahead to continue the shit show?!  i just don't get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i'm so frustrated and angry at all of the complete and utter disregard and stupidity.  why won't he just leave me alone if i say i won't put up with it and he doesn't plan on changing anything?!  i realize he cannot make an adult act mature or respectful but he can distance himself from an adult who treats his SO like shit.  it's obvious i will never like her now and she will never try so why keep beating a dead horse??????  it's insanity!  if he really truly loves me, then he could try to do something different - like show some loyalty to me!!  i mean seriously!  gawd  he did untag himself in the photo with EX witch - but it's just not enough now.  why do daughters deserve pure loyalty and the person you sleep with every night and are intimate with deserves less than????  WHY??????  haha  i'm hormonal and fed up with the whole STEP BULLSHIT!  ha 

i had a Dad and he was married three times - i NEVER EVER treated his wives like shit or him for that matter because i loved him!  what is up with this new generation of complete nasty women daughters?!  it's sickening.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

While men are competitive, women are territorial. 

You are an outsider, someone not related by blood who stole her father. What used to be hers to control and posess now belongs to you, making you a threat and an enemy. Add to that the BM probably aligning with your SD against you, and you've become the target of relational aggression.

I think I'd just speak truth and tell your bf that his daughter dislikes you, is rude and hateful to you, and you want no part of that mistreatment. Drag it out into the open so your bf can't avoid it, gaslight you, or pretend it away. Position yourself as the sympathetic victim by pointing out that you've tried and tried, and although it's not what you wish, you've accepted this reality. Tell him that as a result of her poor behavior, she is not welcome in your home/territory until she can apologize and treat her father's wife with dignity and respect. She will never do this, so you can just erase her from your life.