In the words  of Nancy Reagan, "Just say no". Neither you nor your husband want her to move in, she has no financial reason to want to move in, so don't let her do it. What is her reasoning for moving in? She has plenty of time before her to secure another abode without being a burden on her father and you. You don't even have to give her a reason for your decision, just tell her that it's not possible. 

You need to have a long talk with your husband about this. Bring up all the subjects you mentioned here and let him know that you cannot live with the drama. You are right, if she moves in, no matter how much she promises otherwise, she will never move out.

This is your new home, a celebration of your relationship and you need time to settle in. The last thing you need is an interfering, freeloading harpy interfering with your new nest. 

No matter what she promises, stick to your guns. Present a united front with your husband and remember that you don't negotiated with terrorists.

Good luck.

I agree with the other posters:  NO.  If she moves in, your life will be hell and you can bet that she won't leave.  I would discuss this with your husband as soon as possible before she gets her way.  And I read one of your posts that your husband already agreed to it?  NO again.  I would tell him that you aren't comfortable with her moving in at all and also that he needs to consult you about decisions that directly affect you and your family.  I think you should advise your husband that he is to tell his adult daughter that things have changed and she can't move in.  OMG, I'm so worried for you. 

You have to be firm and be strong.  Her presence in your home will likely ruin your marriage.

Please keep us posted!

Work accommodation running out?

If she has no plans then you probably won't get Rid of her. If it's a limited timescale to save for a deposit then maybe. I'd demand to know her exact plan to relaunch. 25 is far too old to be freeloading , just my opinion 

You need to discuss this as a married couple with joint interest in the home.

He agreed without consulting you.. and you have legitimate questions and concerns.

 You, your minor child and he do not need drama and conflict.. which has been a big problem with her before... and there does not seem to be any concrete PLAN.

Her work accomodations run out.. what is her plan next for a job and finding her place to live?

Does she have a job.. just not means to secure housing yet?  Maybe the answer is for daddy to either LOAN... or GIFT her funds so that she can live in her own place.

Because once she is in the home.. it will be difficult to enforce boundaries on an an adult.. difficult to collect rents.. difficult to make her leave.. and all of those conflicts will damage her relationship with him and the others in the home.. 

Maybe the better option is for him to help her get into a place of her own.. pay deposits.. and even minorly subsidize rent for a few months so that she can make it work?  I would rather my DH pay his kids a little vs having adults moving back home "permanently".

Sometimes you have to get uncomfortable to feel comfortable. The uncomfortable is the conversation with your not so great DH. 

He needs a reminder that any decisions regarding issues that affect you, or him, have to be discussed BEFORE a decsision is made.

If SD moves in you will be constantly set up to fail. You will become the scapegoat. Daddio is rescuing his precious SD even though he said he could never live with her again.

Ask him whats changed that you can now live with her >

Ask him do you not consider your number one priority , YOU, in this decsision.

Ask him if this is how he wants this marriage to go.? Him making inilateral decisions and you are supposed to be ok?

Im afraid your DH pulled a fast one on you. Probably so much more behind the scenes. This is not the making of a good marriage.

Address this now before you begin living a complete nightmare. Besided this toxic SD will be a bad role model for your DD.

Blessings

...her work accommodations run out...

My question would be why are they running out. Is she losing her job? 

The fact that she asked months before, indicates she's not looking for another place. Moving in with Dad and you is her plan and I doubt she plans to look elsewhere. 

You need to have this conversation now. It can't wait as February is fast approaching. 

Where's her mother?  Newlyweds don't need a temperamental twenty something blowing up their home life.  This is the first test of many you two have to figure out as a couple.  Him handling it on his own is a big no no.   This is a bigger problem if this is the way he expects you to just roll with it.  

Absolutely do NOT worry about whether your DH is upset when you assert your opinion about his daughter moving in. What, is he a king and you are house staff? No, you both live there and should be equal partners. He does NOT get unilaterial decision making on something that affects you. I'd make sure he KNOWS exactly how upset you are that he did not talk with you about it.

Look, it's hard to maintain boundaries when adult kids DON'T live with you. My SD had all sorts of opinions about how we should set up our marital home, and she lives 1000 miles away. DH was much more interested in her opinions than mine. ("No, Dad, you should paint the bathroom blue." After we'd spent time picking out the exact shade of green that we liked. And DH was ready to jump to please SD. Took him a while to learn who his wife was, and wasnt.) I'd have lost  my mind, and likely my marriage, had SD been actually living with us. 

Without talking about it to you. You can't start a relationship this way when he has all the power.  Just tell him you were never asked about it.  You will not live with a 25 yo SD. The two adult women just cannot live in the same house.  And you are the wife, it's your house. You get to live in it.  Now, if he wants to move into an apartment with SD that in him, 

and the divorce papers will be in the mail.   You must make a stand. Or all is going to be lost, you'll become third on the food chain. Oh Nice Place to be 

Anything that will adversely affect your household setup, the finances, your provacy and harmony etc, you must always be consulted on first.

i'd be very firm and direct and not sugarcoat things with your husband, he is disrespecting you immensely and not treating you as his wife and equity life partner. 
 

adult sd is gonna freeload indefinitely, she is not respectful or harmonious to live with, you helped with purchasing this home and your husband is going off making executive decisions to move in his adult daughter because she wants to freeload off you guys.

she has work accommodations provided for her so there is no reason why she doesn't and shouldn't have money saved up.

anytime my husband made executive decisions regarding our home or my time/privacy etc, i did not tolerate it. I told him off very firmly that he is not treating me as his wife but like one of his staff at work and I won't stand for this behaviour.

they will play the victim but stand your ground. He must fear you more than his daughter. If he plays victim, tell him you are moving in your cousin from interstate and made an executive decision to do so. She will be staying indefinitely rent free/grocery free just like his daughter. See what happens then.

There are a lot of comments and I didn't read them all but I just wanted to suggest that you have her sign a lease and make her pay rent. 

You can take the rent and put it in a savings account for her to have when she moves out if you want (That's what we are doing with my SS22 who is special needs), or you can use it for household needs. Up to you, but keeping her accountable by paying rent will help her want to move out. The lease will also have terms about her leaving a certain date, stipulations about having guests over, quiet hours, etc. Take the emotion out of it and treat her like a Tennant. 

There are a few of us here from the UK.  I haven't read all the replies, but I'm sure others have said that it's not acceptable that your DH agreed to his 25 yr old daughter moving in, without consulting you.   You need to have a further conversation with him and let him know you are not willing for this to happen.  I have said no to my SD27 moving in with us, a number of times over the years.  She is a total drama queen and I can't stand her. 

You're worried about upsetting him but he sure didn't seem worried about upsetting you, telling his adult drama queen daughter she could move in without talking to you about it.  

Over my dead body would I let SD12 move back in when she is 25. Our marriage wouldn't be able to handle the strain SD causes. If DH doesn't budge, I would stop paying IMMEDIATELY for anything with the house, stop unpacking boxes, and move elsewhere. 

Remind him when you bought the house together that is was for the TWO of you. You didn't agree to move in with SD25. 

And since your DH said yes without consulting you, he'd be calling his daughter to say he changed his mind and would prefer her live else where since she's an adult. Add in, I want to get established in our new home with MY wife.

If he won't budge and she still comes, she gets her MOVE OUT date upon arrival.

These damn men we live with. SMH

I had this conversation just this week. DH said, "SD23 may want to move in with us for 6 months." On the advice of older and wiser step talkers, I responded, "If the last week is any indication, I don't think our marriage will last if SD23 moves in for 6 months." To which he replied with a laugh, "Has it really been that bad." Me: "uh, yes" (He literally asked me to pray for him the day before when he went out with the 2 of them.) 

If it comes up again I will also say it is too much too soon. We have a burgeoning positive relationship where SD's claim to be "trying" to deal with me, if we all move in together before we have a better bond it will be a recipe for disaster.

Meanwhile, read my blogs from the past month. I am currently putting up with a sulky, drama queen in my house until mid-month. She seems to be doing better as far as not being blatantly rude but she still keeps making assumptions and power plays for how we do things in our household. 

Per Winterglow, "We all know that once she has a foot in the door that she won't leave... even with a leaving date,also any chance of her paying rent is nil."

Spot on!  I agree 100% with Winterglow.  I think this will mostly likely be the case.  Plus, even if she does actually pay rent, it puts her in a power position in your home ("I can do what I want!  I pay rent here!").  I would not allow her to move in.  Period.  I wouldn't care if she ended up living under a bridge - maybe if that happened she would learn something?

Very wrong of him to agree to her moving in without having a thorough discussion with you about it.  It's MUCH easier to tell her 'no' than to get her the heck out once she's plopped her butt and belongings in your home. I'd want to know why my DH said 'yes' (1) without my say so and (2) when he said he could never live with her again.  IF she does, in fact, weasle her way in, you're going to have to set up rules and boundaries with the CLEAR understanding that if she can't abide by YOUR rules, she's out.  Hubby will have to be accepting of that as well.  Good luck!

Called a few weeks before Christmas, on MY phone, demanding to talk to her father. Shes a total Narcissist who lies, steals, is mean and rude and loves rolling around in her own filth.

After all her nasty texting me over the years and recently as a few months ago - I asked her point blank "ok, so youve said how much you hate me yet you want to live with me, exactly how would that work?"

She really had no answer and insisted that it was her fathers house (We bought it together after he had been renting it for many years) and that since she had lived there a while and had grown up there she had some sort of claim on it.

Nope. AFter she hung up, her father also told her nope.

Well these SDs will go barnacle on you and be impossible to get rid of once all comfy cozy. 

Absolutely do not beat around any bushes. Get straight to it and do not falter.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RfBAvmVtDTA
 

its at the 2min plus mark but the whole video is hilarious. 
 

also love this clip too:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AHt4d1_rdfs

it addresses skids thinking they have some sort of veto power and influence on what goes on in your lives despite having no qualifications and experience

and this one addressing back and fortg conversations & reasoning with kids (just say no because you pay for the bills and owe no explanation beyond no & coz i said so)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CkZXh6W0n00

relationship, but perhaps it is only new to YOU.

He is clearly accustomed to making executive decisions without consulting anyone or considering anyone else's feelings. That's my take away from this scenario.

I don't know if you lived together prior to buying your home a few months ago, maybe you mentioned that and I missed it.

Make no mistake, he is obviously used to being in control and making decisions without needing your approval. He is showing you exactly where you rank on the relationship totem pole.

You must take back your spousal power by letting him know this is a HARD HELL NO. She's well beyond childhood, and fully able to sustain herself with her own income and housing. I presume she has no children, no other financial responsibilities, and even if SHE DOES, NONE OF IT IS YOUR PROBLEM or RESPONSIBILITY.

I guarantee if you allow this, your marriage will be in rapid decline, and you will NEVER FEEL THE SAME WAY AS YOU ONCE DID ABOUT THIS MAN. He's killing your love, and this is only the beginning...

Please, let him know if he decides/chooses to go forward with this lifestyle change, you will, unfortunately need to sell the home and he and his daughter can buy you out, as this is not acceptable.

I feel for you--really I do. DH already blew it by telling her she could mo

ve in. If she does, it will not go well for anyone. I worry about the influence she could have on your daughter. If there is any way to prevent Sd from moving in with you, try. I've been in your shoes and it made life so hard and miserable. We ended up NC with SD aftr so much misery and drama. SD does not sound like a good character and DH sounds helpless--wrong too for doing this without your input. I wish you the best with it.

Just this morning I had the same struggle with DH (on a smaller scale, but still involving entitled problem adult stepson.)

 These DH's whose kids walk on air need to be nipped in the bud.  It's a hill to die on, especially if the little princess will be in a position to change the dynamics of your household.  I'd be livid too if he just unilaterally said she could move in!  That's bordering on moronic selfishness, especially if you own half the house.

We have just built a 50/50 brand new house, and DH announced as we were getting up this morning that SS35, who owns his own house, was coming over to wash his grotty old works van on our newly bricked, expensive driveway!  We do have a gravel portion of the drive, but apparently the hose doesnt reach that far, so he will be 'forced' to do the cleaning on the bricks.  I told him it is absolutely wrong to start into this, with him using tap water (very expensive here) which I pay for, and staining my £18,000 driveway with his grease.  We built this place as an investment, not a works yard for his son.  He's already been using half our shed to store his electrician's gear because his goofy girlfriend doesnt want it all stored at their house!  
 

I shamed DH as a pushover and he's upstairs licking his wounds.  These guys all need to realise that when they enter into a new partnership, the spouse needs to be considered before the adult skids, or the marriage wont be smooth.

She already moved in? That was fast. Is there a move-out date? If not, that is first priority. And make it clear to DH that if she isn't out by the agreed-upon date that you will be. 

Op is just throwing an idea out there that if all else fails on her addressing this disrespect with hubby and sd moves in, that she wants to make their home so unliveable with rules and chores that she will refuse to move in or move out real quick.

my only concern with this scenario is based on how op husband has behaved, unless he firmly puts his foot down on said rules/chores etc and follows through with instant repercussions repeatedly, its not gonna succeed and sd will be in a somewhat alpha female competition with op because she has already gone behind stepmums back to get permission to move in completely shunning stepmum/co-owner out of the equation. That in itself is already a bad precedent. Sd and op husband don't see her as someone with authority in her jointly owned home, op husband has already stated and encouraged that stance to sd and op by his actions. 
he hasn't even had a sit down with his daughter still to address any of the above issues, he's just doing the typical "hope it blows over & newlywed wife will just cave in out of love for him." 
 

not addressing things directly, straight to the point, is just kicking the can down the road, which leads to more issues. I bit the bullet over 4.5 yrs ago and said enough, made hubby accountable for this mess and to address this if he wanted to remain married. Its made our marriage and relationship stronger and hubby sees what kind of relationship he has with our kids vs his kids from exwife. I wasn't gonna remain in a toxic and abusive marriage/home

Or they both are until he figures out how to keep her from invading the marital home.

The impact this supposed adult SD has on your 14yo cannot be tolerted or allowed to continue.

IMHO of course.

I'd really focus on the fact that he made this major decision without consulting you. HE NEEDS TO FIX IT. Lordy, she's had six months to figure out housing and hasn't, so what motivation does she have to do so now? Even if he has to help with apartment deposit and some rent for a short time (defined, finite) that's better than having her live with you. Goodness, you're newlyweds and should be able to enjoy that!

Do NOT let him turn this into "you just don't like my daughter." That's got nothing to do with it -- he totally disregarded you and THAT is the primary issue. 

Kiss your relationship good bye but see your lawyer first... You knew better but did it anyway??  Been there done that - You still deserve the Front Seat in your Life!!  Put him in the rear view and don't look back... Live and Learn...  Thinking of your best interests and protect yourself, Sister!

My 25 yr old stepdaughter called me last week (something she NEVER does!) to say she wanted to end her 2 yr marriage.  I had a knee-jerk reaction, wanted to "save" her and offered her to move back in with us.

It didn't seem she was going to do it, until a few days later, when she became very pushy wanting to make it happen right away!  That sent me into a tailspin. 

My mother lives with  my husband and I.  She has end stage dementia and my life has been very stressful for the last 3 years, and will continue to be stressful for quite a while.  There is NO WAY I can take on SD with all of her ongoing trauma and drama that she brings with her, and often creates.  

I announced same to my husband, that I am not inconsequential and while I take ownership for the offer of living with us BEFORE considering all of the many ramifications, I simply cannot and will not place more stress on myself.  
 

We're planning on talking with her tomorrow and explaining, "No can do".  That's the bottom line!

I hope you can take a stand and that your husband will honor your wishes.  
 

Best to you!

I've read through a lot of the responses. Here's one thing that bothers me. He agreed to let her move in. Now, when he goes back and tells her that she can't move in, guess who is going to be blamed? 

It's the classic "Stepmother as Scapegoat" scenario. Disney Dad gives his princess what she wants. Stepmother assess the situation and rightfully points out that DH can't make these types of decisions with out discussing it with her first. The two of them discuss it and hopefully DH will side with his dear wife.  

Now DH goes back to his DD and tells her that he and his new DW have had a discussion about it and that the two of you don't feel it's a good idea to have her move in. Dear Daughter's takeaway is that the Stepmother has influenced her father and now SD has a new label for Stepmother. The Evil Stepmother who is trying to put a wedge between Dear Daddy and Princess. This is exactly how these men operate. 

DH no doubt, did not want his DD to move in with the two of you, but he said yes anyway. I'm guessing that in the back of his mind, he knew that there would be resistance from his new wife, but he figured (subconsciously) that once she got involved, the situation could easily sort itself out without him being the one to be the "bad guy".

Tread carefully here. I believe that you've just been set up...

Husband does this ALL THE TIME!

With BFF who likes to hang out for 3-5 hours at a time. He will use me as his "excuse" when he doesnt want a visit or wants to cut the visit short.

With Skids, well he used me as the main excuse as to why (for the 3rd ask) SD23 Feral Forger was not allowed to move back in. He also added that it was because she has made zero efforts towards having a relationship with him.

Im super done with being used as an excuse for whatever with whomever.

Ive been taking myself out of all the ecquations.

and your DH knows very well that he decided to make the EXECUTIVE decision and not include you in that process when he gave his daughter exclusive permission to move into YOUR newly purchased home, (with zero parameters) that the two of you share together. Essentially, there is NO END IN SIGHT. IT's Hotel California...she can check in, but she never has to leave.

Think about it, what newlywed couple, especially a wifem  envisions living in an instant blended family, especially when there has been no conversation or agreement about it beforehand? I realize you have a minor age daughter, and presume, or surmise there have been conversations about her living under the same roof, as she is not of age to be self-supportive.

He has taken away your rights as a wife, your voice and your marital power and given it to his daughter. More than THAT, he SUCCINCTLY SHOWED HER (& you) WHERE HE PLACES HER IN HIS LIFE, and WHERE HE PLACES YOU, & SHE KNOWS THAT.  That's what would upset me the most. Please know this is not a criticism, but an observation from one who has repeatedly had very powerful, life altering  EXECUTIVE decisions made for her,  I lived with the outcome, once I learned what had happened. It's a long story, but I don't want you to have to set foot on this journey.

Please check-in and let us know how you're faring.

Fifty quid a week? Seriously? No. I would take that fifty quid and tell him to shove it. Go for the cost of what she was paying to the hospital and add 25%. How about a third of ALL the bills (electricity, food, everything) on top of that? That would only be justified. Everything payable in advance or out she goes. Also keep a track of your bills before she moves in and after. You want to be able to show that she's a bottomless pit. Why are you paying all the bills?

If someone is going to be a sponge in your home and contaminate your happy living environment with their presence, she'd better be willing and able to pay through the nose for the privilege.

You don't need to be fake nice or fake happy about the living situation. Be yourself and try and find a way for you and your daughter to feel safe--since there is already an unhealthy air of anxeity. It does not sound like you really have the space for another adult and that generates strain from the start. Do not people please once SD arrives. Let her figure it out and if she intrudes into your space or goes beyond her room with stuff, politely let her know that she can't spread out in your home. If she needs to know why--tell her it is obvious that your home has limited size. Maybe a family meeting to make agreements would be a good strategy. Agreements like, visitors, noise, cleaning up, bills.....How about how we agree to treat each other.....I feel for you. The agreement thing can be healthy and helpful--also let you know how cooperative SD will be. Maybe you and DH can talk about agreements you would like to see together with your daughter and discuss your agreements with SD when she gets her stuff in her room. This would not be intervention style, just a time to come together and discuss how you see living together in a family group.

I'm so sorry that the vibe of your home is negative so soon and that rules were not immediately established. You should not have to feel like a prisoner in your own home. Be there for your daughter and I truly hope that she moves out soon.

Don't wait to establish boundaries and expectations. If it's not done early, it is hard to put them in place later. 

And don't ever forget that you are doing HER a favor. SHE needs to accommodate the existing household, fit in to existing routine. She is NOT a guest, a princess, a fragile treasure that must be treated with special handling. She MUST be a contributing member of the household -- chores at a minimul with an expectation of behavior conducive to peaceful family life.

I regret reyling on my DH to communicate expectations to his son without me being present. Avoidance of conflict led to conflict.

All families live together? ROFL! Ask him how old he was when he moved out of his parents' home! What he isn't still living with them? But isn't that what families DO? Right?

Madam,  I am still trying to wrap my mind around your situation.  This fully grown, employed woman was given 6 months free accommodation and for whatever reason did not secure new housing.  She created an emergency and asked your DH to move into your home.  And he said yes!  I also can't understand why your DH did not discuss this with you.   Lack of planning on her part, should not create an emergency on your part.  What makes you think she will  look for her own place, given that she did nothing to solve this issue for the last half year.  At this point I would give her a month to find alternative housing and your DH can join her if he wishes to as well.

Stop hiding your resentment! Let it all out! Be clear that you want her out of there and that you want your home back! Stop being a martyr to this setup! Your husband is not a mind-reader and  by trying to put a brave face on this, he is going to think that you don't really mind his daughter being there. And what happens then? Well, he tells her she can stay as long as she likes ... Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns.

Why are you so scared to show your true feelings when they are eating you up?

Nope. This is your house. Your private residence, where you find calmness and respite from the outside world. She is disturbing your peace by being there. Your home is the one place where you can go, where you don't need to put on a facade to placate people. If you are putting on a facade in your own home, then something needs to change. You need to have a discussion with your husband and tell him that you are not feeling comfortable in your own home and she really has to go. Explain that she hasn't done anything wrong. You just need your privacy back.

Back in the bad old days, SS 33 (?) used to be imposed on me during school vacations. Until he turned 18 DH's custody agreement demanded he spend EOWend with his father. When he aged out and his dam was no longer receiving child support payments from DH, it was convenient for him to stay with us during his university's winter, spring, and summer breaks. That is, it was convenient for everyone except me. He refused to work. He hung around the house constantly, beating off to porn and leaving dirty dishes for Someone Else to clean up. I absolutely freaking hated it but said little while steaming internally. Finally one day something tipped me over the edge. I went full banshee on DH. The madness stopped immediately. I haven't spent a night under a roof with SS  since.

All this to say, you've got to get this young woman out of there ASAP. It can be done. Forget the silly promises about rent and chore divisions and every other polite little pretension that she's just a roommate. She's not. She's a hostile intruder. Your DH was a jackhat to give her permission to stay with you, and she needs to go. Sorry to say but from the sound of it you'll need to start with the dial turned all the way up to 10. 

Do remember it's possible your DH knows this is a terrible arrangement and is setting you up to be the bad guy who says NFW. Embrace the role. Be your worst self. Show him how right he was to rely on you to be Super Witch and put a stop to his brat daughter's BS.

Good luck.

My DH and I agreed before we married that at 21 both of our BDs had to go - unless still in college ( they were 18 & 21/ both still in college when we married) With my BD ( then 18)? She decided to live with her BF and later got an apt. My SD? Stayed here about 2 mos and moved in with her boyfriend down the road so didn't have to share a house with me, her SM. She broke up with him ( she was still in college) and came back here for 4 mos. I did zero for her- no wash, cleaning, nothing. She made herself scarce. She quickly left when she got with another bf. They later married. My only issues with her? After my DH died, she got " sticky fingers " for things she had not wanted for over 24 years/ watch the household possessions!,

My suggestion is to talk with a lawyer and figure out what your legal options are for forcing her out, and ASAP. And if your DH objects or whines that she'll have no place to go, let him know that she can fifgure out how to live in a motel or car. 

That way you can really hone in on the situation and issues. And then come back for answers to THAT question (Im taking notes!)

Find her an apartment, making sure it's not to closed to your home.  Maybe find her a BF.  To give her something to do.  Be the big person and pay the first  month rent. Get her out.  She has it made,  She not going anywhere,  becafeful that she doesn't get a BF and moves him in also, 

Have you considered moving out? Are you at the ultimatum point? This situation sounds miserable and unsustainable. If you can't even talk to your husband about it, is this marriage worth it?

Tell your husband that she has to double the 300 and you want it upfront. If he objects,tell him that as you are inconvenienced by his offspring you might as well get something out of it.

To be honest, I'd force the sale of the house if you can't get her out. Then he can go find somewhere for them both to live... 

Oh and stick to your guns about the weasel. If she wants him to sleep over ( skid code for "move in"), that's your cue to put your foot down. If she wants to sleep with the guy, she gets herself her own place ...or she can move in with him.