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Adult Step Kids

AmyG's picture

This is my 2nd marriage. He has 2 kids, D-21, S-18, Me S-27, S-24, D-19.

We have been married for 4.3 years now.  My SD disrespects me every chance she gets.  SS follows when SD is around but is nice when by himself.  My kids are respectful cuz I wouldn't tolerate anything else. My kids don't really associate with his cuz of how they act.

My husband feels guilty for everything that happens with his kids and spoils them.  They used to yell and scream at him when they didn't get their way.  He has come a long way being married to me.  I never would have allowed my kids to disrespect, manipulate, bad mouth, yell, the way they do.  The SD posts online what a F**king a$$... her father is and so forth.  Very upsetting.  My SS made 3 sandwich and my husband said cool thanks and the SS went through the roof.  They say they were never taught to share.  I said teachers, scout leader and coaches taught even when you say your parents didn't, which I find very hard, they told me their parents are selfish themselves.  I always support my husband in front of the kids, even if I believe he is wrong.  I wait until we are out of the house and discuss cuz his kids listen to everything even in our bedroom.

This was my last straw....i had a surprise 50th for my husband. I asked the SD and SS not to drink, which they did, and both got drunk. The GF kept getting them drinks, I couldn't watch them all night, just not possible.  SD threw up in the bathroom and the manager proceeded to chew me out. I then went to talk to them again and they laughed. I asked the SD not to sleep together with her GF in my house. They proceeded to do anyways.  Needless to say my husband was drunk and so help. I don't drink, never have. SD was also asked not to slow dance with her GF cuz I invited clients, which she did.  I didn't want to lose any clients if they didn't like my SD choices. 
 

The morning after all heck broke out in my home. SD yelled at me saying I disrespected her.  Husband didn't do much. This was 1/4/2020 and things between us haven't been the same. He says he's talked to them but I feel like nothing was done. He talks to them like they did nothing wrong, still spoils them I feel like his not being respectful of me and our marriage and protecting me as he should. To compound this issue my husband go so drunk he was touching and kissing on another woman that I had to break up.  He says I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing. This is the 2nd time something simlar has happened. 
 

I feel like it's me, against them all the time. SD never treats me with respect unless it's in front of her dad. 
 

I feel betrayed and not sure what to think or do.  

tog redux's picture

My husband groping another woman in front of me ONCE while drunk would be a deal breaker.  Why have you allowed it twice?

He's a terrible father, a terrible husband, and most likely, an alcoholic, which adds to the first two problems. 

You can do better, I'm quite sure.  Stop putting up with this nonsense.

Gimlet's picture

Why were there clients at your husband's birthday party?  That seems like a disaster waiting to happen, especially since you had to ask the stepkids not to drink (which shows you know their drinking is a problem) and your husband got so wasted he groped another woman and you had to break it up.  Your SD dancing with her girlfriend doesn't seem like the biggest potential issue there (unless your clients are all known to be homophobic - I am assuming that was the concerning part).  I'd be more worried about your husband making a giant ass of himself.  AND this isn't the first time??

Your stepkids sound awful, but really this is all on your husband.  Like tog said above, he's a terrible partner and father and he sounds like an alcoholic.   

I would have been gone a long time ago.  Yuck. 

sammigirl's picture

 Wow, I am sorry you are going through this.

Set some boundaries.  When your DH is sober and you and he are rational, in a calm voice tell him, these are the boundaries and you will never tolerate any of this in your home again.  

Here is the difficult part.  WALK THE TALK! Take it as far as needed and enforce your boundaries.

I did just this.  It was so worth all the hassle.  My home is "my space".  My DH is welcome to take his drama outside our home.  He is NOT allowed to bring any drama across the threshold.   I even enforced my boundaries with the aid of law Enforcement and court orders.  I will do it again, they all know it.  It took 5 years of us working it out, before DH decided to accept that I would never step back.  

If your DH chooses to not have your back, his loss.  Alcohol is a problem here with your DH.  Your Skids are not your problem, you have to take control of your life, by not hosting this in your home, knowing all of this causes issues.  I don't host my Skids in my home.  They come visit DH, I don't even offer a drink of water, fix meals, nor do I invite them at any time.

You need to make some drastic changes. 

Hugs

AmyG's picture

I did make him get rid of all the alcohol in the house and told him if he wants to stay he has to agree not to have a sip of alcohol for the rest of my life, no excuses.  No weddings, graduations, parties or dinners. Absolutely, no drinking of any kind!!  He also agreed to put a tracker on his phone plus a spy appt for me.  He told me the SD won't ever come here again.  I said hmmmm.  When we got married, we signed a prenup so my house, car and $  can never be his and vice versa.  I had more then him and wanted to protect it. 

Even after all this, I still have issues with forgiving and trusting him again. My brother said you can forgive but never forget.  It's hard. I don't really want him touching me at this point. I love him but I feel like UGH.  I feel like I am pushing him away. I'm not sure what I want anymore. 
 

intokd him if this happened again, I'd leave him there, recode the doors and all his stuff would be on the lawn when he finally made it home. 
 

I know people save leave, but there is more to this story, unfortunately, too much to include. 

hereiam's picture

Okay, this was bad enough: My husband feels guilty for everything that happens with his kids and spoils them

I didn't really need to read further but I did, and besides the fact that he coddles his adult offspring and lets them get away with such disrespect, touching and kissing on another woman? And using alcohol as an excuse?

Yeah, that would be MY last straw.

I feel like it's me, against them all the time

A marriage shouldn't feel like this ^^^

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You want a group of drunk chimpanzees to behave as if they're neither neither drunks nor chimps.

These trashy people are who they are. Put an exit strategy together, and move on to something healthier.

Doodlemadmummy's picture

I have just one question I would like to ask you.  "What needs to happen before you realise you are worth more and you would be better off without your DH and his toxic kids?"

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You were betrayed! It seems like you are more upset with the behavior of your skids than the fact that for the second time your DH was kissing another woman and you had to make him stop. What would have happened had you intervened? Your biggest problem is your DH, not his kids. If he doesn't respect you enough not to hit on other women in front of you, he is not going to make his kids respect you either. You need to have a "come to Jesus" talk with your DH about his disrespect and his drinking. Lay down some boundaries and be prepared to walk if he crosses them.