Adult Skids are ruining it
Hey everybody, I have been a long time lurker and this is my first post. DH and I have been married for 5 years and have a 4yo son together. He has daughters of 18 and 26. They both have me painted as a stepmonster to anyone who will listen to them. I am not perfect but I am sick of being thrown under the bus.
Lately SD18 has been home 100 PERCENT of the time due to Covid moving college virtual. I am working from home and stuck with her 24/7. I honestly don't know why she doesn't spend any time at BM house anymore, but she doesn't. She overreacts by crying, literally, to DH whenever I call her out on her shit. One example is that she has to empty the dishwasher daily and sometimes she doesn't and I point it out and remind her that's her responsibility. She will go on a texting rant to DH that I "attacked" her and she can't stand me. She says she doesn't want to be here. DH thinks she can do no wrong so doesn't see why I "crack down" on her. I was raised that you do what you're responsible for, period, and this is how I will parent our son when he is bigger too. Take care of your sh*t!
SD 26 is a college dropout that works part time wherever they will take her and until she gets "blamed by her manager for something she didn't do" and argues enough to get herself fired. Always asking to "borrow" money and DH gives in. Can't save money to save her life.
I can't do anything right in the eyes of my husband and he expects me to just go along with all decisions he makes and doesn't consider my opinion first, even after tons of arguments about this very thing. He doesn't think he should need to check with me on everything especially related to SDs. It was so much better when SD18 was away at school and I am WATCHING THE CLOCK until she leaves again. I don't like her and think she's a selfish lazy little witch to be honest.
I am fed up and tired of being the third wheel in my home and being blamed for ALL problems in our house. My sweet son is the only thing keeping me here right now and I am so upset. Every time I picture ripping his little world apart it breaks my heart and I can't do it. He often overhears is arguing and asks us to stop and my heart breaks again. At the same time, I can't see things being okay and is not traumatizing him with the constant conflict. I mentioned that it would be nice to take a vacation just us and our little guy and DH was offended that I didn't want to foot the bill for the grown adult kids. SD18 overheard and went on a tizzy about how she should get to go and we should pay for it.
What do I do if I can't take this anymore??!? How could I possibly sacrifice 50% of the time with my son? He is everything to me and it will tear me to pieces. Please give your advice. Thank you.
If your husband wants sd to
If your husband wants sd to live there while attending college, online due to covid, she should be made to respect you and yoyr home/rules.
Emptying the dishwasher takes 5 minutes, tops? Really? She can't do that without complaining?
Also, you didn't say "I love my husband and want to work this out", instead basically you don't want to split because you don't want to split custody.
It's better for you and your son to not live in constant drama. Do you want him to grow up think arguing with your partner all the time is "normal"?
Ideally I would like to work
Ideally I would like to work it out, I just don't know if my husband's attitude about the SDs will ever change.
Chances are
your DH"s attitude will never change. Knowing that and taking constant abuse from your SD, in many ways you and your son would be better off living seperate from them. You do not want him to model their behavior.
I know this thread is older. How is the situation now?
Just a thought because I'm
Just a thought because I'm petty but why not let the dishes pile up? Clean the stuff from you and your son by hand and leave the rest. It would be lovely to talk to your DH like another adult but since he is being a grown ass child he needs to see why there needs to be cause and reaction.
I personally already had the "only ours" talk about a vacation even though we have no kids. His kids get time with their BM so they don't need to be in every outing. Picking somewhere only a kid would love ( say legoland where most rides are meant for small kids ) could be good leverage
It a bad idea, but I already
Not a bad idea, but I already have anxiety about the amount of clutter in our tiny house. I think I would cave before anyone else every time unfortunately.
SD doesn't want to be there so FIX THAT! You've heard
"Be careful what you wish, for it may come true." Your husband is the enabler of her issues. He's got divorced daddy guilt and is pandering to his princesses. Most likely the SD's are master manipulators like they all are.
SD 18 must leave. Get a working timeline.
Lending funds to the older SD stops today. That is also YOUR MONEY if you're married.
Your son is watching and learning day in and day out. What is more painful? Tearing his world apart now, or raising him in this horrible environment where SD and DH both abuse his mother?
I'm upset that he is not standing with you on the issues that have presented in your home. This will either be a losing battle, or perhaps (very rarely happens) he may see the light if you let him know he's got at least a decade (not sure how old your little boy is) of child support payments if he can't get his head in the right marital place that it needs to be in.
To summarize: SD has got to go. Get a game plan on the timeline for her to get out of YOUR HOME. Remember, your son is listening and watching how she treats you, as well as learning how a man treats a woman. This is his adult "blue print." The "lending money" to the older one STOPS TODAY. Many men "see the light" when they know it's going to cost them money long-term, and dating other women after a divorce gets difficult to do when you have a small child and shared custody.
Ultimatum time. You CAN DO THIS!
You're right on several of
You're right on several of those points. I earn more at work than he does so the child support threat is more on me than him, which is a bummer. There is no way he wouldn't fight for 50/50.
If it's 50/50 there should be
If it's 50/50 there should be no child support.
My DD stays with me 100% of the time and his bio dad is not in the picture. In my case, my income (and my husband's) is irrelevant as far as child support is considered.
That's not true. DH and BM
That's not true. DH and BM had 50/50 custody of SD while 10-18 and DH had to pay child support. I am painfully aware of how much.
At one point I thought "there
At one point I thought "there is no way I can wait until she is 18 for this bullshit to stop" but somehow I made it.
That is so weird. I guess I
That is so weird. I guess I can only speak for my own experience, although our situation is not really the same.
Yes, in my state, whoever
Yes, in my state, whoever makes more money pays FULL child support with 50/50. It's absurd. Are you in NY, too? It's also full support to age 21.
DH didn't pay full CS with 50
DH didn't pay full CS with 50/50 here in MN, he "only" paid 75 percent (and 100 percent medical).
Right on!
Right on!
Right on!
*
Stop nagging SD about chores
Stop nagging SD about chores and start nagging DH about them. Either he does them or makes SD do them. New rule to minimize the fighting and putting the responsibility on to her father.
Separate finances from him. Do not bail him out if he runs short. Divide the bills by percentage and be sure to include SD on his side. Split the little one. He pays for At least 2 adults and half of the little one , you pay for yourself and the other half of the little one.
You need to set life up so you aren't responsible for everything. Also , go see a lawyer and see where you stand. Knowledge is power, talk to a few of the really good ones in town, they usually won't BS you and if they talk to you first , DH can't hire them. Even for a consultation. Most are free.
Ferl free to take your son on an overnight, just the two of you. No reason why he has to miss out because his dad refuses to acknowledge the adulthood of the other two.
What a predicament you're in.
*