19 year old step child.
My 19 year old step child, is very manipulative and lazy and spoiled. We get on for the most part i marreid her dad when she was 7, and she will turn 20 in 2 weeks. She was already living withher dad when we married so i moved into her home, her mum has bipola and cant cope with her. But she has been seeing her mum every weekend. There relationship is quite volitile. as is her relationship with her aunt. My step daughter has a grandma that interferes often, on behalf of my step daughter, her dad is scared of his mum and lets her reign free, i sometimes feel i marreid the whole family not just my hubby. my step daughter has never had a job. although know she volunteers once a week at a cat sancuary. She has no freinds, and this is because she dominates all the freindships she had. flunked college beause she didnt get the leading role in singing. She has an entitled personality. Says she cant get a job because she has anxiety and cant go far, which is a blatent lie because she can go to london on the couch on her own to see her auntie when she wants to. She has been under mental health for anxiety. But has been discharged. She wont pay board and spends all her money on collectables. and just rubbish really. I have treated her well, as well as my own children. and we have got on for the most part. Until about 2 years ago i took her to see her nan and while we were there i was enjoying my cup of tea, and all the sudden they both started on my. and my step daughter said she hated me, and she would get on with me for the sake of her dad. I was in total shock. But even know she just acts normal around me. and said she doesnt know why she said that. She comes to me when shes upset and not her dad. I cant work out this child. I know she has no freinds and doesnt go out anywhere, But she is starting to annoy me a bit, as whenever me and her dad have a conversation, she comes over to us and interferes in our conversation. me and my hubby have no time alone. I dont know what to say to her without herting her feelings.
I would have left her with
I would have left her with her nan.. and made the return trip alone.
You are an adult. You don't like me? You don't get to live in my home.
NOT MY HOUSE.
Hi ESMOD, Thankyou for your comment. You see thats the problem, i moved in to my husbands house. He owns it , I dont really get a say.
If you are married, aka
If you are married, aka PARTNERS, you should get a say. Otherwise, it's not a partnership at all. If you own a pan, do you tell DH that he gets no say in using it? Or a car? That's my couch, I decide when you sit on it?
It shouldn't be any different because he owns the house. You are his spouse, you should get a say in who you have to live with.
NOT MY HOUSE.
Hi tog redux, Point noted You may have a point.
As the joint head of your
As the joint head of your household... I would assume that you are contributing an equitable amount financially to live in the home. Even if your name is not on the deed/mortgage.. you still would be paying to live there.. a rent, if you will.
If your DH is soley paying all costs of the home.. perhaps you don't have as much standing.. but this is your home.. and he is your partner.. and he should be listening to your concerns.
NOT MY HOUSE.
When she was at school, i was the house wife and looked after her when my husband was at work full time. He is now retired early. and i have a part time job. He does pay for everything which im gratefull for and i just pay for my own clothes and phone. He does listen, but hates confrontation, so uses the softley approach, i think because he doesnt want to upset his mum.
If your H is too afraid to
If your H is too afraid to approach his mother and set rules & consequences for his daughter is getting your own place an option? Since you feel that you have no say because it's "his" house and he refuses to compromise and change things can you get your own home so when things get hectic you have a safe haven to go to.....
Tell your husband you want a
Tell your husband you want a house the two of you select/own. JUST the two of you; no skids.
If you don't feel that you have a say with your partner? It's not much of a partnership and I'd seriously questioning if I want to continue in the marriage.
All of this dysfunction was
All of this dysfunction was present before you met your SO. He bred with crazy, meaning his daughter may have inherited certain predispositions to mental health issues. And he's a weak parent who abdicated his parenting responsibilities and allowed his mother to dominate him and spoil his daughter. Of course this young woman is a mess and rules the roost. There's never been an adult in her life who's pushed her or held her accountable.
Why are you so worried about hurting your SD's feelings? She's 19, not 4. You've all coddled and tiptoed around this woman instead of raising her to be strong and self reliant. It's high time to have a talk with your H about Sweetie's future. Make sure you couch it as wanting her to have a good life and be her best self, but ask what his plan is for launching her into an independent life. Tell him you're looking forward to being empty nesters who can walk around nude and have sexy time in the kitchen, but Sweetie doesn't seem to be progressing as an adult and she may need a push.
Be strategic, make it about being worried and wanting Sweetie to have a normal life, and get on the same page with a plan to launch her. Maybe include anecdotal info about how you launched your own children? As for yourself, read up on these boards about disengagement, and for your own good start distancing yourself emotionally from your H"s adult daughter. Then gird your loins, because once you and your H start applying pressure, all H@ll is going to break loose and you will likely be scapegoated. Change is often unpleasant, and you're up against years of dysfunction and engrained behavior. Sweetie will blow her top; granny and her mum will likely chime in, and pressure will be applied to your non confrontational H. This is why presenting a united front is essential - so you and your H can draw strength from each other.