Over bearing grandparent
How do you deal with my husbands mum who will not butt out and let us make descions over my step daughter? She is now the go between between us and the bio mum as this mum is just off the scale awful and cannot act in the best interest of anyone but herself.
My issue is this grandparent makes decisions agreeing to things with the bio mum before asking us if it’s ok? We have 5 kids between us so things need to be considered before she says yes to doing things so this idiot can parade her self love all over the place!
She does not see her place that she is purely the faucet so we can converse through her. She makes choices on my step daughters behalf that are not hers to make and it’s causing a massive issue between my husband and myself.
We all love having my step daughter but it’s got to be routine and structured- this mum so t even vaccinate her against measles because she is so ignorant- this child has never seen a dentist or optician in 8 years before I stepped in!
We have tried to speak to her about it but she just will not come out of the communication to give it to me or my mum who will be far more loyal to our needs as a family of 7 over the bio mums selfish ways . The daughter wants for nothing when she is with us and is often coming to us filfthy and uncared for but social don’t do anything. When they do contact the evil bitch she just makes allegations up so deflect!
The grandparent is so scared there bio mum will stop us/her from seeing her she panders to her every whim! Where is the loyalty to us? This mum took drugs whilst pregnant for God’s sake!
we already have a court order in place and that means nothing unless you take her back to court but I told the grandparent that the bio mum can’t cope with the daughter so she won’t stop us seeing her for long but you cannot just make decisions on our behalf without speaking to us! Your the go between and that’s it - but she will not have it!!
any advice welcome!
Thanks.
Seriously? You expect to use
Seriously? You expect to use this grandparent so your husband doesn't have to communicate with the mother of his child, but then complain?
Advice? Tell DH to put his big boy britches on and deal with his own self creation. He slept with the mother and created this child, he can now deal with the aftermath.
Absolutely THIS^^^
Absolutely THIS^^^
Your DH needs to take his parental power back from his mother. You can't give someone responsibility for something and then complain how it is being done.
If BM is a nightmare, there are ways of dealing with an EX that can reduce the conflict.. but I think it would be terribly difficult for your MIL to constantly check back and forth when trying to work something out.
So.. take her out of the middle.. make your DH deal with the situation he created.
its Not a case of not wanting
its Not a case of not wanting to but having to.... relationship has broken down and the police advise a third party but this 3rd party ain’t working.
also expect is not the correct terminology- we do t. It expect to use this grandparent- she won’t have it any other way. She will not come out of the contact so it’s between the 3 of us.
Your DH can absolutely insist
Your DH can absolutely insist that his mother get out of the way.. There are also ways of communicating that can help with toxic situations.. like family wizard communicator.
If there absolutely must be a 3rd party involved.. it seems that a neutral party would be best.
If your MIL can't abide by your wishes.. she doesn't get to be the intermediary. I would assume that she is afraid of having limited contact with her grandkids.. well.. then.. your DH can force that issue just as well as his EX can right?
edit to add: A police "suggestion" is not a court mandate.
My MIL was the middle man
My MIL was the middle man (which actually translates into just her being BM #2) for the first few years. I finally told DH that if his mom continued to come into MY home and act as an extention of his ex wife then she would no longer be welcome.
It has faded over time, but it rears it's ugly head from time to time. I'm sure some of you remember my post about DH and I telling MIL that BM is never to be around our 1 year old.....and then MIL telling me that she will NEVER EVER tell raging bi-polar alcoholic BM that she can't come in her house....even if 1 year old is there......DH basically told his mother to eat shit and that if she continued to allow BM to dictate....then she won't see the baby anymore.
So far....there have not been any more issues...but it's been a few months so I expect something soon.
It's not fair to anyone to
It's not fair to anyone to use your MIL as a go-between "faucet." It puts MIL in a difficult position (even if it's one she enjoys), it puts BM in the position of dealing only with someone who is not a decision maker, which she is unlikely to tolerate for long, and it's obviously not working for you and your schedule. I think the only way to get MIL out of the picture is for your husband to take over communication with BM, or at least try to. BM might not be willing to deal with you (or your mom, who might be viewed as an extension of you).
What does your current CO say? How often do you have the SD? Is there that much communication required? Would something like Our Family Wizard work to keep things more civil between your husband and BM?
Our state has
people called Guardian Ad Litem (sp) or GAL that the court can appoint to be the spokesperson for the child and the go-between for the parents.
Your MIL needs to be
Your MIL needs to be eliminated from this situation. It’s not working for anyone. DH needs to grow up and deal with BM himself. What’s the reason a third party has to be involved? How old is the child?