SM personal rights vs dad's parental responsibility with abusive child
Without going into too many details, and I know this is going to sound harsh:
SS14 currently lives with his mom (but that has changed by her whims), has strong behavioral and abusive issues that to date are untreated, and if for many reasons he ends up on our doorstep, per our attorney, my husband and I may have a conflict of interest between my personal rights (my safety) and his parental responsibilities (he's the dad). Great! I'm not going to go into why SS14 is volatile and abusive, not undergoing therapy, not under a strict CO, etc.
My ONLY question is if anyone has ever gone through this particular situation where as a SM you felt for your own safety you must refuse a minor stepchild into your home and what did you do, how did you handle it? Thanks so much in advance!
Does one of them have primary
Does one of them have primary custody? Does your DH want him in the home?
Hi, mom has full custody,
Hi, mom has full custody, they could not get the CO changed from 50/50, so it still states that tho. She alienated SS and took him from DH on his parenting time and SS hasn't been in the home since. So, SS doesn't want to be here, but TM has changed her tune and wants freedom with her BF meaning wanting him back with us. And she's vying for the worst parent award to make our home seem like the better place to be. Major manipulations going on here. Besides the manipulations and cruelty of their mother, I will refuse an abusive child who doesn't want to be there back into my home. Even if she'd become otherwise unable to care for him. However, i know that is in conflict with DHs parental responsibilities. He thinks it best he stays with TM for a variety of other reasons tho.
By not allowing the kid into
By not allowing the kid into the home they can threaten and carry through with child abandonment charges. My ex and I did that to a uncontrollable (not violent) boy who simply did what he wanted. Walk him into his school room, leave, he walks out.
My answer to the abandonment was that jail was preferred to having this kid in the home and I actually checking my vacation time to use while in jail. It was never mentioned again and he was placed in a group foster home.
The CO still currently says
The CO still currently says 50/50, but SS14 has been with TM since October. She alienated the children from us, so there's already that tension and distaste for our home. TM is currently in a (bad) relationship which is causing her to want the children back with us. (BPD we suspect) DH might agree if he has full custody of she signs over certain rights. She has always agreed to counseling and therapy, but never followed through. Dad being in the position he's in, can't get him in either, and has not gone through the court. We are working on that now though. CPS is doing an investigation of mom's environment as well. Looooong story. But it equals a troubled kid who lashes out and has poor coping skills. Dad, of course, thinks he's able to handle it, but I'm not willing to until successful therapy is underway and trust has been restored and reunification of the alienation issues are better resolved. Plus, if we have full custody of the children, DH takes an average 1 business trip per month, which I'm not willing to be responsible for SS or be alone with him with the current situation (if mom signs over certain rights as above.)
Anyways, she emailed DH that she would be suing him for contempt of court for not following the CO and will just be dropping of the children at our home in a couple of weeks for their CO'd visitation. I am freaked and don't know what my rights are about not allowing SS into my home. I think the hotel idea is a great idea, and will mention that to DH. I'm not leaving my home.
HOpe that's enough back story.
But it really concerned me when the attorney implied that DH and I would be at odds (my rights vs his responsibilities) over this. It's extremely painful when people are incapable of playing nice.
I probably couldn't but I
I probably couldn't but I really don't want to further antagonize him, you know? So far SS and I have gotten to where we do get along OUTSIDE the home, but that took months. I have found out that when DH and BM finalize their current CO, I can file a Petition to Intervene. I've never heard of that, so we are looking into pursuing that.
I probably couldn't but I
I probably couldn't but I really don't want to further antagonize him, you know? So far SS and I have gotten to where we do get along OUTSIDE the home, but that took months. I have found out that when DH and BM finalize their current CO, I can file a Petition to Intervene. I've never heard of that, so we are looking into pursuing that.
I would be interested in
I would be interested in following your case because mine is spookily very similar. BM continues to abandon SS15 and has done during the last 2 years sporadically. It all to do with SS15 being worth $$ to her in the upcoming court case and looks better for her if SS15 isnt living with his father. But the kicker, SS15 isnt living with her either as her BF hates SS15. He has similar violent tendencies. In July, She picks him up on a whim (SS15 was liveing FT with his father at the time) and then drops him off to live with an unemployed family with a history of drug abuse and school refusing for the last 4 months!! MOTY!!It isnt about her wanting her son, its more about her not wanting her exH to have the lad, so it looks better for her in court!
SS15 believes his mother wants him, but then will go off on her with uncontrollable rage and she is "now frightened for her life" as the reason he cant live with her. Its just crap! He isnt that way to his father as he isnt allowed to be but will go off via text to his father when the BM picks him up and he is living somewhere else.
This kid will end up in the gutter one day by the appalling way BM treats her son but she continues to blame SS15 for his bad behaveuor instead of understanding how manipulative she is acting and that she is using her son as a pawn. She thinks she is the victim and will tell anyone who cares to listen how much she misses her kids....but will emotionally abuse them and manipulate them to her befit for $$
I refuse for them to live with me and as a result it affects our relationship.
I am seriously at the stage now where im wondering if its worth it as Im sick to death in the way my SO feels the need to continue to pick up the shit every time SS15 takes off and does BM's bidding then has no where else to go and had to come and live with his dad again. I mean, seriously this has happened 3 times and each time my SO has taken him back as he was abandoned by his BM so we continue to live separately and I havent seen him for nearly a week. .
Been there...still there. My
Been there...still there. My SS has threatened to stab me the last time he lived with us. Given what he did to our BD & pets....I don't really doubt the follow thru. That was when he was 10. Now he's 13 & coming to live with us in 2 wks. My DH won't hear any discussion of the subject because he wasn't there when the kid made the threats last time he lived with us--nor did he ever "see" the kid slap me. I've installed a lock on the bedroom door but that is about all I can do until I find a job.