Colorado...joint custody school issue
Maybe someone can help with this. BM and her fiance just bought a house that is about 4 miles South of us but about 10-15 min drive through all the lights and whatnot. Their house is one block away from the Middle school and High school.
The Middle school is NOT in our school district so there is no option for a bus, but the High school is our school and when my two SD's start High school it will be better. For now SD1 will be in her second year at middle school and SD2 will be starting middle school next year. So we have three years to deal with this possible transportation issue.
We shared with her that the Middle school in our area is half way BETWEEN our houses. It would be a 5-10 min drive for both of us. She said that it doesn't help her that the kids would be able to take the bus from our house and not hers.
The last two years the girls have gone to her elementary and middle school that are both only 1 mile from her old house and is a 15 min drive both directions from ours. Never asked us, just did it. We tried to get her to have SD1 go to our middle school last year because it would have been fair. SD2 could take the bus from her house to school and SD1 could take the bus from our house. She didn't like that idea.
BM is starting her Student Teach course next fall and doesn't know what school she will be teaching at but she says she can't take them to the school between us because she can't be late. We explained to her that the drive is 20-30 out of our way verses her 10-15 because she will be teaching at some school in the area...she just doesn't know which one. We would have to go South 15 min to drop them off then 15 min North to get to our house and then another 45 min north to get to work. She doesn't care...it's all about her.
We have to be at work at 8:30am. I already quit my job so I could take the kids to and from school for the last 3 years and now that I am done with school I need to go back to work. My husband and I are independent at the moment but that will change at the end of the year and he will have to go back to work for his prior company and I will have to go to work. We will all be inconvenienced but our school balances out the responsibility for us all. She won't budge.
Now, we legally have 50/50 custody and have them every other week. I have looked for a car pool or a bus company that transports kids and there are none in this area. I have called both schools and they have nothing. The only thing we have is a Transit bus that picks up in front of the High school by her house and drops off at the Middle school in our area...straight, not transfers, but my husband isn't comfortable with that.
I want my husband to go to mediation because she is just not going to see that we are the only party trying to be fair in this situation. It has gotten so bad that her fiance even sent a threatening email to my husband because he only read what my husband (really me) typed in an email to her about making it work for us all and that it wasn't just about her. We corrected him, she thanked my husband and her fiance never apologized.
She is being completely unreasonable and now my husband is avoiding it and will most likely do so until the last minute and I am worried that she will register them without our consent.
Legally what can she do? What can we do? Any ideas on how to solve this issue? I am just so stressed out because I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to lose any more of my identity and not work and do my own thing. I can't just be the taxi driver for these kids. She doesn't want me involved in solving the issue but I have to drive and pick up so now what?
We are also planning on adopting and he will be of school age and will be going to our Middle school so now I will have two different schools I have to go to. I am ready to pull my hair out.
Kell
well you could say to your
well you could say to your husband "i am not doing the driving. so you better figure out what will work for you." then he might deal with it.
We have 50/50 custody of my
We have 50/50 custody of my husband's three girls. I have primary custody of my two boys. Also, I'm from Colorado too. Duh.
I drop 5 kids off to 4 different schools in the morning. The girls schools being 15 and 20 minutes away. It sucks. There is a small window that I can leave and actually not be too early to one, and not too late to another.
I think it depends on the importance to you. In Colorado most cases are first sent to mediation.
Who is the custodial parent(there always has to be one even in 50/50)? That's usually is going to determine who gets to decide.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
That just stinks...she is
That just stinks...she is the custodial. But we put a statement that the custody is 50/50, all decisions..etc etc except my husband has all religious control. I absolutely hate this and have no idea WHY I got back into a blended family situation. We can't do it. Their school will start at 8:25, we have to be to work by 8:30, they can't be to school earlier than 8:00am. I tried to see if their was a morning school program but nothing. Work is 45 min from our house...the school is 15 min the other direction for a total of 30 additional min. In order for us to get to work on time we have to leave at 7:45 from OUR house so the kids would have to be dropped off at 7:15. Can't do it. She isn't even trying to compromise. She doesn't see how she is straining this family, kids included. I just want to scream. :(I don't even know why I care so much. If I just say I won't do it then I won't but that affects my husband whom I love deeply and then I feel like not only is she hurting him and causing him stress but now I am too. I know his hands are tied too.
We can't change our work schedule. We just can't do it. So now what? She wins...again?
Since she isn't willing to
Since she isn't willing to compromise, is she willing to help?
Are there bus stops they could be dropped of earlier than school, or perhaps be dropped off at her house in the morning?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
She said she would drop them
She said she would drop them off at our house at 4pm. She didn't understand that our biggest issue is the mornings. Also, she is always 15min to an hour late..ALWAYS! This causes more stress in our house. DH gets mad, I get angry because she is being selfish of our time and hurting my husband in the process. We end up having to put things on hold because she needs to finish her homework or she needs to get something from the store first. Always something. We are in the middle of changing the exchange time because of this. Starting next Friday, we will be picking them up from school and she will pick them up the following Friday from school. We are trying to minimize the amount of contact with her or ability for her to be late. We are trying to decrease the stress, not make it worse. DH just isn't comfortable leaving the kids alone at her house either.
The only solution I see for the next three years is them taking the public bus from their house to the school. Their mom has no problem picking the up after school but like us has issues with the morning. BUT DH has an issue with the bus, even though it is a straight shot from one location to the next.
oh and I tried to see if there was a school bus that came close to us so I could drop them off there but it's against the rules. Always something!
What do the kids say? I
What do the kids say? I think they are old enough to be consulted on this. And it may suck but after coming from a "broken" home they probably dont want to be switching schools.
Just another idea right?
They are already going to
They are already going to switch schools. They are currently attending the schools that are close to where they use to live. They are just finishing out the year. SD12's bff goes to our Middle school. Unfortunately BM is supper manipulative and if we ask the kids then they will side with their mom which doesn't really help any other than boosting BM and fiance's ego which are too big already. It would be an illogical decision by a 10 and 12 year old. There are more factors than just pleasing their mom, to us financially it will cost us more in gas and time. Oh did I mention that we will have to take two separate cars to work on those weeks and I will have to leave earlier this way (abt 45 min) to get them from school? So now I lose more income, spend more money on gas, and have more stress. The kids will also have to wake up earlier because our only option is to drop them off at their BM's house at 7:15 when no one is there which also means they will have to go to bed earlier which means they will have to cram their homework in a shorter time frame and DH loses more time with his kids. Because she doesn't want to meet half way. BM will only be working a few minutes away from her house. She may even end up at the Elementary school next to our Middle school. She doesn't know. Her fiance isn't apart of the deal either. Can't remember why but he is a teacher too. So she will be leaving the kids alone in the morning to get ready and leave on their own. DH isn't happy with that but there is no age limit on being left alone in Colorado. Oh and we did ask SD12 about her feelings to attend our Middle school last year and she was more concerned about being around the rest of her friends instead of her BFF, so now I have to pick up SD9 and wait an hour to hour and half for SD12 to get out of school. We live too far away for me to come all the way home for a few min and then right back out to get her. Turns out, her mom didn't want her to go to our Middle school, so, so much for them making a logical and fair decision based on even their own feelings.
Wow this really is a shitty
Wow this really is a shitty situation. I'm sorry I can't offer anymore helpful advice. I hope you guys can figure something out.
Exactly.. I guess I would
Exactly..:( I guess I would have to leave the same time since SD9 will be in Middle school and they are abt 30 min diff in getting out. So maybe I would have to leave 15 min earlier, but in the morning I would have to leave later so I can get them to school. I say me because my husband does the heavier work that I can't so it is more important for him to be their. So that means I won't get to work until about 9:30-10...work for about 4 hours (minus lunch) and turn around and come back. It's not even worth it. I wish my husband would just be ok with the public transit. He won't even consider it or ask BM her opinion. This would be good for at least 2 years so they will be riding together. After that SD9 will have one year without big sister and that just isn't ok for anyone that she rides by herself. So we will figure it out then. Really the only way this is going to work is if I don't work and honestly that sucks. I hate living here already (moved from WA because of his kids being here), I have no social life, no activities for myself, my husband has no life, we are just pathetic. It is always just work, kids, BM, stress. Day in and day out. I really feel like I have lost my identity here and it looks like the only one I am finding is nanny.
Could you drop the kids off
Could you drop the kids off at BM's house each morning on your days since the school is only a block away?
I think another thing I have
I think another thing I have an issue with is the feeling of being taken for granted. These aren't even my kids, so why am I always the one bending? Compromising? Trying to find the balance and what is fair for all? Someone shoot me..seriously! I can't even get the kids to do chores in the house, follow my house rules. I can't even get BM to be to our house on time with the kids and she won't let us put our differences aside for dinner for the girls when there is an event...but I am to do this for her? I wish my husband fought for primary custody. It would be nice to just have the upper hand once instead of being the dang door mat. Sorry, just a stressy day.
I wish I could share my
I wish I could share my councillor with you! But that would be WAY too long of a transit
You need to find someone you can talk to, in person. You're letting alot of stuff build up.
Tell me about it. I am wound
Tell me about it. I am wound so tight. I have a therapist here and she is great and specializes in this but we just need to get the cost into our budget again.
it is not your problem. you
it is not your problem. you go to work when you have to.
this is your husbands problem. he needs to find the solution. not you.
Count me into the fabulous
Count me into the fabulous therapist club.
I've only recently learned the true art of disengagement... and letting go of thinking that I have to turn myself inside out to help my husband.
I know you may feel like you aren't supporting him, when in fact you're helping him be a stronger presence for his kiddos. I found that when I lay it on DH with a big "I know you can figure this out".. he usually does just that. I'm learning that taking care of me should be my priority, cause I can't be who I want to be for my family unless I do.
Your husband is a big boy with a big problem. It's up to him to do what he needs to do and endure any consequence that comes along. If he can't get the kids to school... he's gotta find a solution.
What's his solution as of now, if she doesn't conceed?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I don't disagree...truly,
I don't disagree...truly, but when I think about not doing what I can I feel...I don't know..horrible. Like if it doesn't work out and he has tried his best, then I would feel like I could have made it better for him and now it is my fault. Maybe I fear him resenting me if I don't help him, because after all we are a team.
I know that is so my own issue there and will be something I need to work on and discuss with our therapist. Sometimes I can see me doing it...just saying "ENOUGH! this is your mess. You won't stand up to her, then it is all on you. Keep me out of it. Don't ask me for a thing" I feel great when I think I can do it...right up until my feelings catch up and say.."ooh that wasn't nice of you, that doesn't make you a supportive pillar of a wife" Geesh I am a pain to even myself. 
You know what? I absolutely
You know what?
I absolutely and completely get it.
It's hard to do something we aren't comfortable doing. There is a line to be found that you can draw and it allows you to decide when you help based on your willingness.
It's hard drawing that line. My husband likes to trample mine.
I got a great piece of advice from a friend of mine. He told me that it's rare to achieve a scenario where everyone is going to be happy.. but almost always is there one where not everyone is UNhappy.
You just gotta sometimes change your role... your outlook.. to achieve that is all.
Therapists are great at leading us in a the general direction we need to go. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders and the answers are at your fingertips. I just think you need to allow yourself a little breathing room to figure out what you are and are not willing to contribute.
If he's a good guy he'll respect anybody who says "no", only because they are being kind to themselves.
Much love.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
thanks so much...and you are
thanks so much...and you are right. Not only is it hard to draw the lines and keep others from rubbing them out but it is hard to keep you from doing the same thing. I am always dropping my cord because it is just easier sometimes to be the "Martyr" as they say.
This site has at least helped me to vent and feel better..today. Today is just one of many.
Thank you again.
no , the school she wants
no :(, the school she wants them to go to is across the street from her house, the school we need them to go to is half way between both our houses on the main road. 2 miles from her and 2 miles from us. We are the only ones that would have access to a school bus until they hit high school which belongs to both of us and we wont' have anymore issues with transportation...lord I can't wait for that day.