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Sick of the SD Drama!

mystical7's picture

About 5 hours ago I had no idea this website existed. I thought I was a horrible person and possibly the only one who's ever had problems with two SD's. I feel so much relieved after finding this site and reading posts for the past 5 hours!!!!

So I have two SD's, SD1 is 28 and single has a good job and her own place, post-divorce after being married for 8 months. SD2 is 22 and has two GKs and a boyfriend, on welfare, food stamps, poor, etc. Our GK's are three and the other is almost 5 months. We've only seen the youngest twice and they live about 15 minutes away. We started having problems with SD1 being disrespectful of me around Thanksgiving (2015) and it carried on from there and she involved SD2 in the nonsense to the point that we never saw them for Christmas and they threatened that we would not see them again until next Christmas. So far this is still true, even missing their fathers 50th birthday this past Monday, which was very hurtful to him.

We have heard nothing from either of them since Christmas day. Last words were spoken through txt messages to their father, back and forth for hours, my husband trying to diffuse their grievances. Every time he proved them wrong they came up with another complaint to even include my dog’s lol. SD1 would say you never call SD2 and I know that Fu**ing Bi*ch doesn't want you to, husband would say, phones dial both ways and SD2 has had five phone numbers in the last three months, which one am I supposed to call?

SD1 has done all the things I have read about on here involving being jealous, secrecy, emotional blackmail, involving other family members, gossip, and flat out slamming me on Facebook and everything I've ever done or said, trying to push their father to leave me. Well my husband is a solid rock and is with me 110%!!! HA HA you little B's....

I am wondering though what the hell I'm supposed to do with everybody's Christmas presents? Do we save them for birthdays? Do we save them for next Christmas? I have at least 10 gifts, most of which are for our grandbabies, and I'm unsure of what to do with them. I've been reading not to give them, mostly because they are from me as I do all the gift shopping. When I found out that they were not coming for Christmas I did return everything for the SD's but for one gift each. I'm completely ok with never dealing with them again, my husband says he will not clean up the mess they created, as problems with SD1 happened last year (2014) and he straightened it all out. He does however want to still give gifts to the babies, but I don't see how that will happen when we have never been more important than the BM. She was at both births and even has lived with them, preventing us from ever visiting.

SD2 never thinks of us but when she needs money or something fixed or transported. She is the most horrible liar I’ve ever encountered. She lies about the stupidest stuff, that you would think, nobody would ever be able to find an angle on to lie about. Nope, she can do it, she’s an expert. She moved last summer, we found out in one phone call that she was moving, we were needed to help move her and we had to be there in an hour, and she had to be completely out that day. She said they had found a great house to rent and that it was priced right and a bonus hit the sperm donor’s paycheck at the same time, and they just had to hurry and go. So we graciously helped her move with my truck and we even gave her $40 for gas money for the rest of her trips back and forth and SD1 took our oldest GK and we gave her money to feed her and get her hair cut, and we found out later she was evicted and they were ready to dump her belongings on the curb. This past Thanksgiving she was supposed to be at our house and sent a txt that they were all sick and could not make it. SD1 comes over and says oh SD2 just rented an oven from Aarons Rentals and wanted to make her own turkey, I’m going there when I leave, and she had other people coming over. We were just shocked.

I am also wondering if anybody knows why they act up like this? It's absurd the drama they have created and how they ruined our holidays and continue to be hurtful towards their father. I don't care if they hate me, they can hate and talk about me all they want but I do wish that we could at the very least see our grandbabies and that they have the common decency to call their father on his birthday. My husband’s family has talked to SD1 (because SD1 involves them) and told her she has no choice in who her father is married to and that she must respect me to no avail. They all love me and are behind me 100% as they see how kind I have been to them and how much I have provided for them and SD1 and SD2 still stab me in the back to everybody. They have so many names for me! I think my favorite so far is "that woman!" lol

We have been together for over 6 years and trouble just started about two years ago around the time we got married and bought a house. SD1 wanted to live with us, before we even closed on the house, and I flat out told her NO to her face as SHE was still married and I thought she should go to her own home with her husband. Apparently she was very serious and said last year that she was so devastated by that. Honestly laughed myself to tears! You were married, you should have gone home, and you wanted to live in a home that I don't even own yet, and you were devastated????

ybarra357's picture

Welcome.

Now be glad that these cretins are out of your life. It seems obvious that they don't consider you as 'grandma' which is pretty common here. Do you have any biokids? I would either take back the gifts for everyone or donate them. You really can't control how they treat your DH so I would just stay out of it. If he wants to pony up $$ to give to them that's on HIM. YOU don't have to lift a finger or be an ATM for them. Let them go, put them out of your mind and focus on your marriage.

mystical7's picture

Yes I have one BS who's 22 and also a SS who's 17. My relationship with both of them is fine. The SS lives two hours south of us with his BM and we don't see him all that often but when we do he stays with us and has a blast. This summer we took him camping and to the local fair and had a great time. SD2 and the GK's do not call me grandma which has been very hurtful. I call myself grandma when talking to them on the rare occasions we see them but the SD2 just says "say goodbye or hello to my name." Hurtful. The two SD's do get along just fine with my BS. None of them have problems with each other, I guess we should be grateful for that. They just hate me and they think I hate the GK's. See I was planning a surprise 50th birthday party for my husband with SD1 and she was going to send out the invitations before Christmas and I told her to put on there no kids. Mostly because we just had a huge Halloween party with 40 people and kids and nobody can ever use the pool table because the kids take it over. I also told her that would include the two GK's. She took that as I hated them and right away said she no longer wanted to be involved. No matter how many times the H tried to explain to them it's normal to have an adults only party for someone's 50th they just did not get it and that's when all the personal attacks on me really heated up. My H is a saint and I really wanted to do something special for him and host a guys party where they could play pool and drink but it did not happen because SD1 had a meltdown.

My H was gone for about 13 weeks last year to training for his job and while he was gone I built and armoire from scratch for SD2 because they did not have any furniture. I also went shopping by myself and bought everything SD2 would need for this new baby because they hocked everything we bought her for the first one. I even went to garage sales and found her a bouncy seat and swing and cleaned them up and bought her batteries for a year. I took all this stuff over, washed and folded and organized, and gave her money to take the other baby for ice cream. While I was there I saw my GK playing "kitchen" with the coffee table and a cup so I decided to build her a kids kitchen and refrigerator plus all the plastic food and dishes and pots and pans. Spent around $300 and I was so happy when we gave it to her for her birthday in September, which is the second time we saw the new baby, and the last time.

I handled it all while he was gone and because I want to have one adult party, I'm instantly the hateful grandma and that woman who owns dogs who jump on people.

ybarra357's picture

If and when your biokid has a kid, then you can enjoy being grandma. But as I said in my previous post, let SD and her kids go. They have made it crystal clear that you're not part of anything with them and their families. Stop doing for them and including them in your life. Yeah, it's too bad that it has to be that way. But it is what it is.

still learning's picture

"they threatened that we would not see them again until next Christmas."

Threatened? I hope you held them to it! They sound like a bunch of jerks, can't wish pops a happy birthday but they are scheduled to come when they know there will be gifts and $$$ for them. If this was me I would donate all the gifts to a children's/womens shelter in their names and tell them that that's their gift. After that I would be completely done and turn it all over to DH.

It's really easy to get sucked into the whole step grandma thing; but like ybarra said, it's obvious that you only "grandma" when it's convenient for them. Otherwise, you are just an expendable nobody. Sad how they are "punishing" DH, he doesn't deserve that.

mystical7's picture

Ya know it's kind of funny the gifts, they are all sized or specialized! DS2 was getting a nice 31 bag with her name on it!!!! Who the eff names their kid Angelica? Never going to get rid of it unless I burn it. DS1 was getting an Origami Owl necklace with charms to remind her of her father. The new baby was getting a case of diapers and wipes. The 3yo was getting snow pants, coloring books, water colors and paper, stuffed dog and honestly we were not done shopping yet. This is just whats left, I took back quite a bit, I thought EFF YOU ALL!!!! The sperm donor was getting a bottle of booze that we decided to keep!

The H just said to put the gifts in the attic but he plans on sending them gift cards for birthdays. I told him only if we get them to places where they have no interest or cant afford to buy anything with it! HA. I'm hurt, sorry I'm childish today.

ISTJ's picture

Any bets on whether BM amped up some PAS since this all started around the time of the wedding?

OP - I'm sorry you are going through this. I second the advice to donate all of the gifts. At the ages listed, the SGK's won't remember them anyway, so their mom will be able to spin it however she wants.
Give the gifts - they were "cheap" and "trash".
Don't give the gifts - you and you alone "deprived the poor children of their Christmas Gifts".
Catch 22...

Best part of the post was reading that your DH "is a solid rock and is with me 110%!!!"
You are a lucky woman Smile

mystical7's picture

The BM was not invited to the wedding. She was not apart of SD1's life at the time. I've never met her but I've been told she's got mental problems from SD2 and the interesting thing is my H's family has said DS1 is starting to act like her BM and is exhibiting her problems.

The H has been amazing through all of this. We are both so hurt but he does not blame me for any of it. He says they are adults and they need to act like and communicate like adults.

notasm3's picture

STOP it right now. Do not waste one more moment of your life even thinking about them.

Nobody in their right mind has any reason to keep trash in their life. Forget that they even exist. There is not one thing positive they can contribute to your life. Why do you want anything to do with them?

Be thankful that you have no ties to these cretins. My SS30 and his GF have a new baby. I want nothing to do with it or them. Works for me. I'm okay with DH going to visit them for a few hours.

ldvilen's picture

When you are a step-, there are so many layers that can go into any issue, and that is what makes it way more complicated than any non-step could ever realize. I’m thinking an added layer for you is probably just your SDs’ jealousy. It sounds like you and your husband have a great life, which you certainly should, but SDs think they should be in on the action through no efforts of their own, but at your expense. Esp. the SD who wanted to move in with you even though she was still married! Thought you and daddy were going to be taking care of her now like a 3rd grader.

Here is another layer too: For those of us who are married to our DH, while DH’s ex- is still or now single, we are going to be carrying an extra burden because the story the adult SKs usually are getting is that BM is all alone, while DH and his wife are off having a good time, spending what should be their inheritance. Sure, some SKs are glad when dad finds love and moves on, but if they even remotely have a streak of possessiveness in them, a/k/a have a possessive BM and one that is single, look out! BM/SKs will think of papa as their possession long after you are married, and will see you as simply a Be.atch in the way and treat you as such.

Anyway, it can be so complicated and then some. Keep reading here. It may take a while to put at least some of the pieces into place, and please keep commenting here too. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders. You should be able to help others out while finding the help you need too.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Welcome!

I agree with ybarra and notasm, don't waste another minute on your DH's daughters. They have daddy issues that have nothing to do with you. It's very common for relations with skids (particularly SDs) to do a 180 when the father remarries, even if he's had the same GF for many years.

These sisters have teamed up against THE IDEA of you, or rather, any woman married to their father. They are waging a war of relational aggression. Read up on RA and the Drama Triangle, and you'll see how they apply to your situation.

It's very important that we SPs have clarity as to what our role is and isn't within the stepfamily dynamic. On that note I must tell you that you are not Grandma. I'm sorry, but it is the adult skid who gets to decide this, and when they choose to exclude rather than include, it's a message you need to pay attention to.

Give them what they want - the gift of absence. That means no gifts, parties, babysitting, entertainments, etc. Your DH seems to be handling things quite well, so let them go and focus on a happy marriage, your bios, and all the positives in your life.

HappilySelfish679's picture

" Renting an oven .." .. yikes. So sorry you bought all those gifts and they wont even let you see the GK's maybe you can donate the gifts for now and hopefully when GK get older there will be some sort of relationship with them. Until then i would be happy that these SDs are out of your lives....

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I wondered that as well.

It's pretty clear that the daughters don't have much respect for their father. Who accepts an invitation to a holiday dinner, then decides to host their own dinner and lies about it? Skids, of course.

hereiam's picture

Who accepts an invitation to a holiday dinner, then decides to host their own dinner and lies about it?

The same people who RENT appliances.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

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Exjuliemccoy's picture

Oops!

LikeMinded's picture

Hi there, like you, I just discovered this forum a few days ago, and I have been reading for hours, feels good! I've even laughed looking at my own situation!

The only insight I could offer here is that if BM is mean and spiteful, then her daughters are just like her. So maybe that's the "why". Also, grown up kids sometimes have a real hard time when one of their parents remarry and they feel like the other parent is betrayed. So they pledge allegience to the parent who has not moved on and help create drama.

I agree with all these posters that you should disengage from all this. Support DH with whatever he wants to do, but these are his peeps and he needs to deal with them. Wash these people out of your hair and don't EVER help them or give them money or buy them gifts, cards or anything ever again. Respect yourself.

My ex sister-in-law acted towards me, much like your SD's are acting towards you when my ex husband and I got married. She just didn't think I was good enough for him. I spent years doing things for her and being generous to her, trying to get her approval. She treated me like a doormat, never once offered me a cup of coffee, spoke poorly about me to family members,etc. I finally said no more and never let her in my home again. She was fake nice after that. But I wasn't.

Let these arses go and surround yourself with friends and family who love you and make you happy. Cut them out completely. DH can visit them, etc. Let the babies go too, they will only cause you pain.

Why not a new tradition at Christmas? My neighbor's in laws ruined all her Christmas holidays every year, so now she and her husband take a cruise or a trip every Christmas. They love it.

If the gifts make you sad, just take them to the Goodwill and forget about them. Not worth the energy or the bad memories they hold.

sandye21's picture

Mystical, If you have gotten a lot out of our site, try Stepaside's site, and the following article: http://www.stepdigest.com/2015/10/20/high-hopes/

I can guarantee it will answer a lot of your questions and concerns about rejection by the skids.

I've been logging into Steptalk for over 5 years, and it has made such a constructive, positive change in my life!!!

mystical7's picture

I did go to this link and read a bunch of stuff the other night. It did help. I'm slowly accepting there's nothing I can do and this situation will never change.

mystical7's picture

Your words really make sense! I told the H this info and he agreed there's a huge disconnect between both SDs. He was in the Army for 20 years and every time he would leave and go to war or training the BM would pack up both SD's and leave. She would sell all their furniture, not pay any of the bills, and clean out the bank account. Months later when my H would go back home, he had nothing, and had to start over again, AND be looking for them. He would beg her to return because of the girls and she eventually would but she would do it again as soon as he left. This happened many times and eventually he just could not start over again and divorced her. The girls were still very young and as a matter of fact SD2 is not his. He was out of the country when the BM got pregnant but he never did anything about it OR confront her and she looks nothing like him, SD1 even knows he is not the father of SD2. But that's not my point, my point is, there is a HUGE disconnect between them and it makes sense to both of us that this is where the jealousy comes from. On the flip side of this, we all lived within 15 minutes of each other up until a year ago and they made no regular effort to see or spend time with DH.

Before we got married we did not live together. I was an hour south and had my own place, DH lived with his BM, and both SD's at one point in time lived there since we met. They still did not spend all that much time with him even before we were married and they lived with him. Neither was when we bought our house, so there's no jealousy that he physically left them for me.

Because of all this damage to their relationship created by their BM, we have overlooked their attitudes, comments, facial expressions, and stupid shit they do. For a long time DH felt like if he really spoke his mind about how they behave, that they might turn away from him, and that was the last thing he wanted. We would talk and I would say hey maybe you should be the D in this situation and say something, and he would say I would like to but I'm afraid SD will never speak to me again. So this has gone on for years and now he no longer cares. He cares more about his wife and the life we have built for ourselves from scratch than two mean little bitches who have demonstrated they cant and wont act like adults and try on a regular basis to ruin his marriage. Friday night after I told him I found this site and what information I learned all he could say was if they don't want to be apart of our lives then FU*K them because I will not let them rip apart what we have built together.

mystical7's picture

I have received the green light from DH to return what I can and give away or keep the rest. It's sad but we refuse to give to them now, mostly him, I had to let him make that decision. We will slowly heal from all this I know, but we have both been grieving since Christmas, it's been really hard.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I feel for you, truly. Most of us have never encountered a "family" dynamic where the kids are so cruel, but it's sadly common on this board. It happens when the children do not develop a deep and positive emotional bond with their father. It sounds as if his career provided the BM with ample opportunity to alienate your DH's daughters from him. The best thing he can do is accept what is, detach with love, and live a good life. Who knows? In time, they might mature and want a healthy, adult relationship with him.

mystical7's picture

Maybe. It's hard to say at this point. We thought we were developing and preparing a normal household and relationships with the two skids. I just don't care anymore. I've read so much on this site this week and nightly shared with DH what I've read and it has helped us so much. In a few more weeks we just won't care at all. I'm thinking now about next Christmas and having to see them at the big family get together. It's held at a one level, open concept house and it will be hard to avoid seeing them with no walls to hide my view. Maybe they just won't be there, which would be nice! We are planning on taking a vacation every year now to avoid giving them the opportunity to come over. It just won't happen anymore. We have given so much, held out tongues, and avoided being "parental" with their drama and that got us nowhere but to this new point in life where we no longer will operate as a family with kids and grandkids.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You are indeed lucky to have a husband who sees the situation as it truly is. And that's not always easy to do given the shady, manipulative nature of some skids.

It's all about power and leverage. So don't be surprised when these girls change tactics. Raging doesn't work? They'll try being sweet, or pathetic, or flattering his ego - no one knows a person's weaknesses better than their kids. And your H will have moments of weakness or sadness. He may want a relationship with the weapons of mass destruction, oops, I mean grandkids. Boundaries and a team attitude are soo important when dealing with this sort of thing.

sammigirl's picture

Give all the gifts to charity or someone you know that can make good use of them. Maybe you will need a baby shower gift, use them. Do not buy any more. Leave it all to your DH on how, when, and where this goes. It's not your problem, don't invite trouble; work on your marriage and don't be drawn into any BS.

Continue to be yourself with all family members and ignore the toxic SD's. I have a SD55 (36 years); she has hated me from day one, her problem! My SD lives less than 5 minutes from us and is the drama queen of the west. I have two SS's who are good to me and respectful. I am not directly engaged with any of my grown skids.

My DH doesn't spend any time or effort to enjoy his kids or grandkids; his choice (my fault of course), I have nothing to do with it and never have had any say on DH's choices.

If you step back and let your DH handle it, you will look good and their true colors will show brightly.

Be glad you don't have to buy any more gifts or do holidays with them.

sorrynotsorry's picture

I once, ages ago gave a small birthday gift card with some money. I was told, oh, thanks with a lot of sarcasm from the adult SD and that she would "put it in their college fund" and said that with blame in her voice that I didn't deposit thousands. College? I'm just a fiancé? Pay for your own damn kids college fund!! Get a FREAKING JOB BITCH!! As IF!

sorrynotsorry's picture

Honestly, WHY do you people still try with these idiots? You DESERVE a happy life and they are ADULTS! Spoiled inconsiderate adults. Did I tell you my to be 23 yr old SD actually got angry about us not calling sending money and gifts etc...while my mother was dying? Then unleashed a barrage of bullshit on us demanding money for school exams while she's married with a husband who supports her and she posts on FB all day? Disengage and cut them off. I did and I am all the happier about it. I don't want anything to do with her spoiled kids either. So glad we live 5000 miles away!

mystical7's picture

Forgot to say that I'm also going to be giving her current address to all her bill collectors that send mail to our house. She owes around 20K between cell phones and college loans that are in default. I'm sick of being nice and just handing her the envelopes. How about you have the bill collectors call you about your own debts??? Unbelievable to me how people act these days with debt and responsibility, they all think they are entitled.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Good for you. It's not your job to shield any adult from the consequences of their irresponsibility.

I did the same after YSD19 moved out while her dad and I were at work. Soon, we were receiving calls from bill collectors almost daily and her mail was piling up. After a few months of this and DH not wanting to handle it, I'd had enough. We had had zero word from her, but I knew the name of the guy she was living off so it was easy enough to obtain his address. I already had his phone number because we were still paying for SD's cell phone (don't ask). I made it a point to provide HIS info to every collection agency that called. DH never knew, the annoying calls stopped, and I felt so much better }:)

mystical7's picture

We liquidated two more Christmas presents this weekend but we have so many left that friends we had over this weekend asked WTH the big pile of gifts was for. I was like, um, that was the Christmas we never had.....and stuff for this summers garage sale.

sickofbs8's picture

My SD21 and SD17 have been playing the Christmas blackmail for a few years. The 21 year old decided she wanted the presents too much this past year, but the 17 year old is still holding out...I think 3 years now. We sent the presents for her this year with sister, but they were literally rewrapped from the previous years. And my DH refused to give the younger her Christmas money...no visit we not send the money. She thought that the money was with the gifts...oops. It is the most crazy thing I've seen. And they all live within 5 miles... their mommy stalks us regularly as do they I suspect.