Age children can decide where to live
The ex is the parent of primary residence, (1 mile away from us, same county). She is always manipulating my DH parenting time. We will be married the end of this year. All 3 children initially expressed they wanted equal time between homes, now the oldest (12) wants to live with us full time.
Does anyone know when the court will listen to him? Also will the court split the children if only one wants full time? She is emotionally abusive to the youngest and oldest, seems to leave the middle one alone. A 12 year old boy needs to be with his father. Not sure what do do. My DH never got a fair shake from day one. She is politically connected in our small town. Seems to get away with everything, breaking court orders, diparaging me and my DH to the children and all who would listen. we have on tape for most of this, had to she lies. She has been after me since the children met me 3 years ago. Never knew me before but tells the kids and everyone that I am an alcoholic and drug addict.
Doe this ever get better? they have been divorced for almost 5 years, I have been with him for 4
The age at which a child can
The age at which a child can decide where they want to live is 18.
BUT, the older the child gets the more weight a judge will give to a child's preference, i.e. a 16 year old saying he wants to live with his father may be granted his wish over a 5 year old saying he wants to go.
But you also have to have other factors. From what I've heard a kid can't just say I want to live with daddy without proof that it would be better for him, like he's having problems in school, BM is neglecting him, etc.
Thanks, makes sense. He is
Thanks, makes sense. He is having a lot of trouble in school, she starves him to loose weight, he thinks she hates him.
Don't know if that will be enough to convince a judge, but we will try. He seems to be getting more and more depressed as the months go by.
Ripley, I'm not trying to
Ripley, I'm not trying to argue with you, but I would take anything your lawyer tells you with a grain of salt.
My divorce attorney had decades of experience as well. He told me if I told the judge that my then husband was being verbally abusive to me, the judge would order him to leave the house. We went to court. We presented our evidence and requested that the judge order STBX out of the house. The judge denied my motion.
My attorney told me what I wanted to hear. He gets paid regardless of whether you win or not. I would be very cautious when an attorney tells you what you want to hear.
You have definitely been told
You have definitely been told an untruth. I am an attorney, and there is no state in the union where an 11 year old gets to "decide" where he will live and then drag younger siblings along also. You should really look at the laws in your state, because I have feeling you or your spouse may be relying on this lawyer's assertions, and it isn't fair to you to not know the truth.
Sounds like the son is in the
Sounds like the son is in the right place. That is the same kind of stuff my DH ex does. First day of therapy, even though it was my DH CO visitation, she picked them up early from school, took them to MCDonalds, stuffed them with junk and tried to convince them to say what she wanted them to. She was not allowed to be int he room this time, The previous therapist allowed her in. Kids gave us play by play of her unfounded abuse allegations. The harder she squeezes, the more he fights to get away.
I wish our judge was more fair. Always on the side of the woman. After the fact, I read it in all of his reviews.
Seems we can't win,
Depends on the state your in
Depends on the state your in ?
New Jersey
New Jersey
Our lawyer told us that at
Our lawyer told us that at age 11, the courts here will let the child decide
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am almost 100 percent certain that this is NOT correct.
I heard so many different
I heard so many different ages, I don't think there is.
I agree with Willow - I went
I agree with Willow - I went through this with my exBF. Someone told him at age 12 his son could tell the judge he wanted to live with him.
I talked to many people online as well as in person who said this was not correct. BF still didn't want to believe me.
So I paid $50 for him to get a consulatation from a family law attorney. She told him what I had told him all along.
The whole "the kid can decide at age 12 thing" is not true.
It's never an automatic "Hey, I'm 12 years old and I can decide who I want to live with". There's always more to it than just that. Like in the situation mentioned above, the BM was taking her son out of school. Yes, the judge talked to the boy and got his take on the matter, but the fact that the BM was trying to reduce the father's visitaiton time no doubt affected the decision as well.
I think it also can depend on
I think it also can depend on the judge. In my state (NC), some judges will hear from kids as young as 8-10 (though the kids' preference may not be the only thing the judge bases his/her decision on), and others don't even want a kid anywhere near the court room until they're at least 12.
It may not be that way where you are, but in NC, it seems to come down to what the judge does or doesn't want to hear out of the kid.
In NY, a judge will take a
In NY, a judge will take a child's wishes "into consideration" around age 11 or 12, depending on the child's maturity. My BS got to decide at age 12. He was able to tell his law guardian why he no longer wanted to split time with his father (and he had good reasons) and was willing to testify in open court.
That being said, what the child wants isn't necessarily what the judge decides.
Thanks everyone!There are so
Thanks everyone!There are so many mitigating factors, only a psychologist or a judge can figure it out. It is just so frustrating because she continues to do as she likes with no reprocusions. We try to do whats right for the children and we just see her manipulating them.
She wanted the divorce but treats him like he is the monster. We want to give them a loving and healthy environment to grow up in. Not one that is constantly filled with hate. They keep asking both parents for more time with dad and she just tells them we already have them too much, (8 days a month). And dad goes back to court and is told there are no substantial changes in circumstances and will not modify the original order. Just at a loss.
I'm in the Netherlands.
I'm in the Netherlands. Here, from age 12 the child's wishes are taken into consideration. This is a very individualistic society, and some parents have taken it too far.
A former friend (you'll see why former shortly) had EOWe from the time his daughter was 3 until she was 12. When she didn't want to go to visit or go home, both parents would say she had to until she was 12, then she could decide.
Around age 11.5, she started getting physically aggressive with her mom. Her mom didn't handle it. Her dad, who has no respect for anyone, also didn't handle it. (Some people confuse teaching respect with teaching subservience... sigh.) Anyway, by age 12, the mom told the dad she wasn't willing to remain custodial. But daughter didn't want to live with dad. And she's 12, and both parents were willing to let her decide.
So, since mom wasn't willing, and she wouldn't go to dad's, and she's 12 and obviously in charge of both dumbass parents.... they put her into foster care.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you are just too damn selfish to raise your kid, you can just dump them in the foster care system. I hope these parents had to at least financially pay - they certainly had the resources. Just not the interest or ability.
Makes me sick, even today. At the time I wanted to offer for the kid to come live with us, but we couldn't figure out how to say that out loud. So we just stopped contact.
Wow! Unbelievable! Poor kid!
Wow! Unbelievable! Poor kid! I know one thing, my fiance and I want what is best for the children. I admit, we are biased, I know we are better, but that does not mean we don't want them to stop loving their mother. But she is taking care of that on her own.
We are very lucky that, hopefully, there are resources here that can determine what is best for the child.
Not for anything, but from what you described is this child better off with a new family?
I think the kid would be
I think the kid would be better off being raised by wolves. She'd get about the same amount of support and guidance in her development and more personal attention.
That being said, I'm sure wherever she is, she is still wishing desperately that her parents had cared enough to give her a good upbringing. The fatal error all Disney parents make is they give their kids stuff instead of acts of love.
I wish her the best, as she was a fantastic kid, smart and caring and OMG responded to boundaries!
What I think would be ideal
What I think would be ideal is if they could share equal time. She just won't allow it. That's why we were in court for a year, back and forth. Now we just don't want to spend any more in attorney fees unless we can be almost certain to win at least a little more time. The last attorney told us we would get all of them full time with the way she was behaving. Didn't quite work out that way.
We have maintained a healthy living home with us. I am hoping that will be enough to show the judge that the kids and us deserve equal time.
I honestly think that if the BM would let her kids see their father more, they would want to live with her too. Because she blocks all contact as much as she can, they resent it.
The court does not want to know if there is emotional abuse in the BM's house? Your last paragraph statement confuses me. We want all three, equal time, the oldest is the only one asking for full time right now. We would love to have all of them, if so decided.
I understand, makes a lot of
I understand, makes a lot of sense. It's so hard to try to describe what she has done to these kids since the separation, years before I was even in the picture.
She is trying, constantly to make them hate their father.
We had the conversation with
We had the conversation with SS about hurting his BM feelings. Either way, in closed office or on the stand, she will know. I agree, he may not want to say in front of her. She has threatened him to lie in meetings before, but I heard him in a recorded session with parents, teachers and school principal stand up to her and tell the others in the room the truth against her lies.
It does depend on the state
It does depend on the state and judge, but the older a kid is, the more weight given to what they want. WHY they want to change is more important than the age. My bf's son is being emotionally abused by his mom. They have 50/50 right now and my bf wants full custody. His son is almost 14. The way I see it... a 14 yr old in our state can file for emancipation as well as be considered an adult if he commits a crime. Also, once a child is 14, a parent no longer has to be present when they are questioned by police. The courts shouldn't be allowed to adultify them in one instance, and then not the other. I also feel that kids should be able to emancipate from an abusive parent, stopping visitation all together at age 14.