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YOUR bedroom off limits or no?

Thisisnotus's picture

Curious how others approach this, as I can see that I’m going to have to.

if you have bio kids and step you and your spouses room open to the kids? As in to shower/use the bathroom and hang out in the bed if you are home and not home??

i think my DH and his ex lacked any boundaries and kids slept with them and bathed in their bathroom and seems like it was a family room. Let me add that this is one of the reasons they divorced....there was ZERO husband and wife dynamic.

My children rarely entered my bedroom when I was married to their father and definitely didn’t come in when I wasn’t home.

so fast forward...SD 11 will only use our toilet and shower. SD 16 just goes in our room with food and lays in our bed when we aren’t home. So over the last little while my bio kids are starting to follow suit. I came home from work to my bio did (11) and sd (16) in my bed with food and had been there all day...all lights on in my bathroom and closet and everything wide open.

this is a huge no for me. One because dh and I have a very busy sex life and plenty of things hidden and really not a bed that anyone should be in if you know what I mean. Haha  Two because I have zero privacy already and my step kids being all up in my stuff makes me uncomfortable.

the kids have the entire second story of the house....apartment style with a little living room, 2 large bedrooms and a I just lock my bedroom door when I go to work??? Or let it be. We have a large house and everyone seems to be in my room all the time 

tog redux's picture

Well, I only have one stepkid, and at the very most he was allowed to sit on the (made) bed, if one of us was in the room, too.  He never got in the bed, or brought food in our room, and I highly doubt that he was in there when we weren't home.

I would be totally grossed out by what you are describing.  I'd probably let them use the bathroom if I were home and there was a good reason for it, but hell to the no is anyone getting in my bed, with or without food, and going through my closet.

Lock your bedroom door. These people have no boundaries.

Thisisnotus's picture

Thanks for the reply. Dh and I don’t eat in the bedroom so walking into my bed full of popcorn and chip crumbs is just annoying. 

I will have to lock the door. We have our personal stuff very hidden but still...and dh is a cop so he has work equipment that they don’t need to mess with as well. 

I’ve said before that I am a very nice step mom who only vents and is mean online about my situation haha I wish I could just say out loud to all the NOT go into my bedroom but I won’t so the lock it will be and I think they will get the point as they are all 11 or older.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Stepdemon used to follow me into the master bedroom when I was breastfeeding my baby!!! Not anymore. I was boiling with anger and irritation but buried my feelings to avoid Biowh0re wrath and grandbiowhore shrieking. 

Eventually, I found my balls and stepdemon is not allowed in my room. Never allowed to touch my things. He has taken my things before and lied about it.

my real kids are allowed in my room only with my permission and no food. They mess with my stuff and they get the boot.

lorlors's picture

I was breastfeeding bubs in our master bedroom, door shut closed when he was 6 weeks old. DH’s dad came bowling in when he was over at our house, no knock, no nothing. DH has told me to stop going on about it since but I was OUTRAGED and still am. I give him shit about it still and baby is over 3 months old. 

Poor boundaries must run in his family. SD17 is at her mums for Easter but NO, I can’t be shot of her for even a couple of days. She’s calling in tomorrow to pick up stuff she has forgotten. Never get a break  from these assholes.

***No. They should never be in your bedroom. It should be a private space to which they are not allowed entry but then again, nothing is sacred in steplife. All normal boundaries go out the bloody window.

MrsStepMom's picture

If I found SS in our room his ass would be raw when I was done. He doesn’t come into our room. He isn’t allowed to use our bathroom ever because he can’t piss in the toilet. He’s disgusting and contaminated as he has no hygiene. 

When I first moved in with DH he would constantly walk into our room, if be nude and he wouldn’t even be like oh sorry and turn around. He would just continue on in and go about his business. I LOST it the third time and told husband he is never allowed in our room again for any reason at all. Now he basically calls down the hallway and only comes near when told he can. 

I would NOT tolerate food eating and just using my room, especially considering the set up you explained they have. 

Thisisnotus's picture

I have girls but I totally get it. They shower and leave everything soaked. Or I am showering and thinking I’m safe in my room until to come out or the shower to audience.

i think because mine is the only downstairs bedroom and it is directly off of the main living presents so much opportunity to just walk in. I’ve considered a different house hahahaha

MrsStepMom's picture

I would for sure take less offense to the nudity with girls but still no on going into my room. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Lock your bedroom door. DH should have any weapons or "work equipment" in a gun safe.

If he gives you any problems - tell him the whole idea of kids in the bedroom is a big turn-off, and your active sex life is going to become way less active until it stops.

Thisisnotus's picture

Haha. That would definitley work.

He does have weapons in a safe, but he has a lot of other stuff.

i think it’s mostly because we have 5 girls ranging from 11-16 so our house is busy and I need one place....just one that is not invaded by kids. They go in and take my phone charger, computer and it just drives me bonkers 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm with you. That would drive me crazy. Seriously - put a lock on the door!

notasm3's picture

I have NO problem with telling anyone who steps over the line to get the eff out of here.  But my SS34 and his GF entered our home (thru a garage door code) while we were on vacation.  They not only ransacked our home - looking for maybe some leftover drugs from medical procedures but also helped themselves to anything else they wanted.

I never told them off - but I put them on PERMANENT status of they are dead to me.  I will never speak to them again nor allow them in my home even if I am not there.  They are DEAD to me. If DH dies I would not even notify them I would hire security to keep them away from any services.  SS loves DH and so wants his approval.  It's killing him to be ignored.  DH can see him when he wants.  But SS hates that he now only has a third rate place in DH's life and none in my life.  His mother and her husband have also banned him from most things too.  Yes - he's that bad.

Thumper's picture

How about this....when I was little we never ever stepped foot into our parents bedroom. It was their room and the parent room was, well the parents room.

See just how crazy things have become over the past 30years or so? Its nut...

YOUR adult bedroom is not something you should question whether or not kids are allowed. Its UP to you, on your terms at all times.or

I feel awful for young parents--mom and dad are the Adult mothers and Fathers in your should respect that. Parents need to act like it too.

Parents stuff IS OFF limits unless ADULTS give permission.

GoodLuck with everything.





Thisisnotus's picture

Thank you and yes! I was just talking to my dh after a neighbor girl about 12 went into our room looking we didn’t dream of going into our friends parents rooms. 

I went into my moms room as a kid but when invited and I didn’t barge in. I definitely didn’t feel like I could just help myself and it always sort of felt forbidden. 

Things have definitely changed.

Curious Georgetta's picture

door is not  closed. the boundary is the closed door. We will not enter their bedrooms if the door are closed absent an emergency or  pressing need to enter.

In our house , a closed door is an overt statement that you do not wish to be disturbed for whatever reason.

We all knock and wait to be granted permission to enter.  It is important to me that they learn both to have and respect privacy.

I do not like sharing toliteries and cosmetics , but I am not adverse to buying enough of the preferred items so that everyone has an adequate supply of the items that they like it prefer to usr.

As many will be quick to point out ,I am not a step parent , but we like our kids to feel that the house is just the space that we all share. The kids have free access to each other's rooms of the door is not closed. However, they cannot touch each other's personal belongings without the explicit permission of the owner. We do not tolerate a lot of drama about possessions as almost every thing that they own, we have purchased and can  replace but  it is important that they learn to appropriately regard the property of others.

We don't feel that any room is so sacrosanct that we need to make it off limits . We have no concerns about them searching . Anything that they need should be available in their rooms or in the storage pantries.

To be honest, I have found that kids who know that they have access to not seem to need to sneak or search.




Jcksjj's picture

In nuclear families it seems to vary alot between individual families, but I don't think very many stepparents would be okay with skids in the bedroom unless they're really young. It's just weird and uncomfortable and you need your own space.

Thumper's picture

Jcksjj...there is science behind your full statement. THINK back....way back thru time...people and their space who are biological related verses those who are not biologically related. Its fascinating.

Not that a person does not 'like' a non-biological person...that has nothing to do with it. Yet  not liking a step child soundsssss good in court. SM wont let me in dads bedroom/bathroom---see your honor SHE doesnt like stepchild so dad cant possibly have 50 50 custody. *just an example*

Seriously7's picture

Exactly. It's a completely different situation in stepfamilies. Stepkids are absolutely not allowed in the master bedroom.

ndc's picture

The skids here are young (4 and 6), and they do come into our bedroom. They'll watch tv in there with us, or just lounge around with us, but they don't go in there if we're not there.  We only have one full bath, so we have no choice but to share with the skids.  When they get a little older I hope our bedroom loses its appeal.

Lndsy747's picture

This was something I put my foot down on when we started dating. We lived in a 1 bedroom when SD first moved back to our area so the bedroom was my place to get away. When we got a 2 bedroom later the rule remained. SD was occasionally invited in but we usually hang out in the living room so there was never really a reason for her to come into the bedroom anyways. I feel like it's weird and always feel like if she thought about what we did in bed she would'nt want to be in it anyways. My parents room was treated the same way growing up.

This was something BM pointed out as us mistreating SD and supposedly made her not feel comfortable coming over. Oh well. SD is still sleeping with her mom at 16 so I think she's the one with the problem.

Thisisnotus's picture

Maybe there is something to that. My SD 16 and SD 11 also sleep with their mom and have since day 1. DH and ex wife slept in separate rooms from the birth of SD 16 because his ex slept in the kids room with them. Now that DH is sleep in moms bed.

simifan's picture

My bedroom is off limits. Sometimes I don't even like sharing with SO Smile

No children - bio, step, furry allowed. 

Step-girlfriend's picture

This is a hard no for me. When I moved in the rule was made, no skids in the bedroom, and they are supposed to knock only if there is an emergency. There are never emergencies, so they never knock. They never come in our room at all, so Our bedroom is literally a skid-free haven at all times. It’s awesome. We are not very good at hiding “adult” things, so them being in our room at all could be awkward. 

Why not just set the rule, no more coming in your room, period, and if they don’t listen, start punishing or lock it up. It’s called a Master bedroom/bath for a reason, and I’m pretty sure it’s not because adults share it with kids. Hard no on SD11 using your bathroom too. Parents need adult space! 

shamds's picture

no skids are allowed. We have a cot next to our bed that my toddlers sleep in.

ss20 room is downstairs, one of the bedrooms downstairs is a converted playroom for our kids.

skids do not ever hang out or chill in our room ever! Thats my private space that i’m having regular sex with

at hubbys family home we have our private room, this was made just before we married so its always been our room and not skids room

anyways when my son was barely a month old and i went to shower, ss19 invited himself in there and layed on my side of the bed with our son crying, he didn’t care ti call anyone. So here i come back in my room with a tshirton and towel around mywaist and he just stares at me when i want to get dressed

i gave him the “get the f*#k out” look and he left only for 2 mins later coming in to get something out of his bag that should have never been there in the first place

hubby told him off i was getting dressed and this isn’t his room, its our private room and its weird for hubby to have skids in our room we regularly have sex in

elkclan's picture

I do allow all the kids into our room (step and bio). We don't have a bathroom in our room, but if in our next house we do, they will only be allowed to use it with permission. It will not be default usage. Because they will be teenage/pre-teen boys by then - and ewwww gross. It's kinda bad enough sharing a bathroom with a grown man. 

Eating in our room? No 'effin' way. The grown man isn't allowed to do that either. NO FOOD UPSTAIRS. I broke my rule with him and allow him to have coffee in bed and I regret it - though sometimes it is nice. 

My son is 11 and still gets in my bed for a bedtime story. His kids come in the bed to snuggle. The two older boys (SS and BS) always, always knock before they come in the room. The younger SS barges in - one day he will get an eyeful. We have a very active sex life and the older two boys are aware that if the door is shut there's a danger that we may be busy. 

It's our room and they don't hang out there. When my partner had his own flat still they would sometimes go in our room there because the wifi was better! 

At the same time, I don't want any of the kids to feel that any part of the house is no-go. It's just that some areas are not priority areas for them. 

I have discussed this with my partner and we both feel the same way. The room is our room and for our priority use, but kid snuggles in bed is nice. If my son is in our bed when he's ready to get into bed, he kicks him out or I kick him out. Recent kid presence in our bed is no deterrent to fun adult times for us, and I guess the kids just draw a mental veil over any activity which may have happened in the bed before. And if they happen to spot a toy or a bottle of lube, I don't really care. We're in a loving and committed relationship - I hope they all have an adult relationship that is as loving and joyful as ours is (when the time comes!).




MrsStepMom's picture

My exes daughters always used his shower and it drove me nuts, especially since their shower was way bigger and his was one of those kind of annoyingly small ones. Made no sense to me. Then the plumbing on theirs went to crap anyway and it continued (landlord keeps trying to do cheap fixes that aren't solving it). However, they are VERY clean, take reasonably timed showers and clean up after themselves for the most part (not perfectly as I think as they have always had a housekeeper and mom and dad clean up but well enough).

Siemprematahari's picture

Bedroom is OFF limits. In fact you have to knock before entering my room and wait for a response to come in. All of our kids both step and biological are not allowed in our room when we are not home. There is no reason for it and we make it known to respect our space and that we have boundaries. In your situation it doesn't seem like the step kids have been taught those boundaries in the bedroom so they don't see anything wrong with it.

Why don't you tell the kids the bedroom is off limits? You have to communicate your wants, needs, and explain to them why.

flmomma08's picture

Well my BD is only 3 so I do bathe her in our bathroom because it has the largest tub. However, SD is 11 so there is no reason for her to be in our room/bathroom. There are other bathrooms she can use. And as far as her being in the room when no one is home.. hell to the no! She really should listen without you locking the room, but if she isn't going to then yes I would lock the room when you leave.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Kids can't hang in the room when I'm not there. And the DEFINITLEY can't have food in there. I let SD10 and SD6 chilll in there with me sometimes I admit. But normally that's when DH is playing battlefield. So I let them come in there and we play the switch or something.

They can use our bathroom, IF the other one is full. But no, they can't just come hang in my room.

still learning's picture

I have always needed my own adult space without kids. My room is off limits and they have to knock on my door rather than just barge in.  In contrast when I married DH his adult SS's treated OUR bedroom like the living room. They would come in and sit on our bed and chat with DH. Then they wanted to use our bathroom rather than the guest one because it was "nicer."  I felt completely invaded and put a halt to that.  

Should you lock the door when you go to work? Absolutely! Then have a family meeting and let everyone know that your bedroom is for adults only. They have their own space and their own bathroom so they should use it.  

I encounter the same issue at work. Clients wanting to use the staff bathroom when they have their own private bath.  I let this happen once and it was a disaster, never again.  

Rags's picture

When the MBR door is closed, no one enters unless they lock and are expressly told to enter. Period.

In our home growing up no doors were closed except the MBR door when mom and dad wanted privacy.  When that door was closed... kids did not enter.... period.  If necessary we could knock but we did not open that door unless we were told to open the door.

We followed the same model with SS when he was growing up.  If the door was open, he could enter.  But when the door was closed it was a kid free zone.

The Skid had his own room and his own bathroom.  Guests have their own room and bathroom. No one needs to be in our bathroom unless we are giving the tour.

Open doors mean come on in but even with the door open a knock on the door frame is polite and expected.

betkas's picture

I've just signed up to the forum on the disbelief that my SD came home with three teenage friends and decided to hang out in the MBR in our bed, rather than in her room or the kids' playroom.

While I'm not wild on SKs hanging out in our bed when they have their own space(s), I've always allowed it because it was the way things were before I moved in when it was just them and their Dad, and I didn't want to rock the boat. 

 But I find it hard to countenance her bringing over kids I've not met yet, without any notice, and thinking the adult bed is the best place to hang out. It definitely feels like it's way past the boundaries. 

Those who have managed to set boundaries and clear rules, how have you broached this - either with the kids themselves or with a partner who has a slightly different view on boundaries than you?

Misstepped's picture

My DH always had kids in the bedroom. When we first got together he even made me sleep in the spare room on wknds so the kids could sleep with him. I kindly said the relationship was awkward because I felt pushed aside on the wknds and would rather end it. Well the skids got kicked out of the bed pretty quick. That was honeymoon period and he must have cared for an adult relationship at that point in time! 
When we had a house with an en-suite he would get their showers ready in our bathroom, even if I was still in bed. I would shower and walk in to get dressed and there they all were...rather than leave the room he would tell them to cover their eyes. I would then have to rush around getting dressed or grab my clothes and leave the room! But the big one was he had a tv in the bedroom which in the end resulted in him and the skids cuddling in bed watching movies all evening and even if I wanted to go to bed I was made to feel bad for interrupting them. I would have to sit alone in the lounge all night. Heres what I did, I moved the TV into the kids bedroom and made a rule that we would not have a TV in our room anymore. Now they have no reason to lay in our bed every night. It's been better. I suspect chips and popcorn in the bed might mean you have pretty good set up in your bedroom. Make it less appealing? (Sucks for you, but it gets them out of there)

Kaylee's picture

My exes adult daughter goes into his bedroom,  goes thru his drawers and personal items, uses his bathroom even though she has her own bathroom. 

Creepy and zero boundaries