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An SD wedding on the horizon...where do I fit

plzstepback72's picture

My SD is about to turn 21. She is in college and recently became engaged to her high school sweetheart. When I married DH my SD was 13 and my daughter was 8 yrs old. I thought since my divorce was fairly new (2 yrs prior) that my child would have the most problems with my new relationship but that was not the case. DH had been divorced 10 yrs when we met. From the beginning we had problems with SD. Disrespect, anger, abuse toward my daughter, fits of rage, tantrums, screaming and of course tattling to BM. She and BM waged a war against me and my child, muddying waters with me and my new in-laws and using FB to poison most of the extended family against me. If I asked her to help clean up her room then she was Cinderella...If we got a new TV then we should pay more child support. Every visit came with a handful of bills from BM who sat on her porch sarcasticly waving us on. It was sick. It is sick.Now fast forward...SD is 21 and in college. My daughters school goes on a field trip to the college. I guess SD found out and tracked down the school kids. She harrassed the kids, talking horribly about my child and asking if the children knew my daughter. My daughter was not there that day do to a driving test. Thank god.The school reported this to me and the kids told my child all the nasty things she said about her. How Embarrassing!!! This girl is 21!!This was just a few months ago!! My child is 15!!! Now I hear that she is getting married. Her side of the family hates me and thinks me and my child are evil daddy stealing trolls...my husbands family refuses to get close on the slim chance any of the nasty things they have heard about us might be true. Family functions are stiff, uncomfortable and people watch every move I make with suspicion. My in-laws have dinner and outings with SD and never invite my husband or us at all. We barely see them anymore. Keep in mind my husband has around 11 aunts and uncles and over 30 cousins. Most wont even pass me the salt at family outings. What do I do at wedding showers? Bridal dinners? And the wedding itself? Am I expected to throw this girl a shower? Do I even have to attend the wedding? I have already heard she expects her dad to sing to her the song he sang to his ex wife (BM) at their wedding and she wants them (DH and BM) to dance together, sit together and have pics together. My DH said no way to the song and dance but we shall see. He doesnt want to be near these people. He wants me there for support but I dont think I can do it!! If I go all i will hear is "I cant believe she showed her face here!" and if I dont go it will be a scandel of "I cant believe she didnt come and she calls herself a Step-Mom"...God forbid the family guilt her into asking my daughter to stand up with her...Im damned if I do and damned if I dont....so what do I do. I pulled away from that girl years ago and disengaged myself but wont this thrust me right back in?

Great Mom but horrified Stepmom's picture

F*ck 'em! If they really treat you the way you say they do then I wouldn't give them the time of day.

I would be classy and send a gift with a nice card but I would make it a point to be out of town. They can then say all they like but you have a get out of jail free card as you had to be out of town for another matter.

But you've sent you gift and card and been 'nice'.

Then go have some fun and laugh your buns off at your wild and crazy life and laugh AT them and their childish and horrible ways.

oneoffour's picture

I agree. Stay away. Do not attend bridal showers but send a gift IF you are invited.
DH should not throw any of your money towards this extravaganza nor make you suffer financially because his daughter wants a Princess of a Day on his dime.

He should make it VERY clear the terms and conditions of his financial support. And why would you want your father to sing YOU the song he sang to his new wife/BM? Wouldn't it be more appropriate for her new husband to sing to her?

What has DH done in the last 10 yrs to assimilate you into his family? And has he ever set them straight and demanded respect for you?

twopines's picture

No, this won't thrust you back into it.

It's just a wedding.

You attend as your husband's wife. You sit back and enjoy. You do not have to throw her a shower. Others may think you should, but no, you don't have to do anything. If you are invited to a shower or dinner but do not attend, you could send a beautiful card. If your daughter is asked to participate in the wedding, but you don't think it's a good idea, you may politely decline.

You say you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, so there should be no problem sticking to your boundaries.

StepDoormat's picture

Proper etiquette would say that the bride's family should never throw a shower anyways! It is seen as the family begging for gifts. Now, I know some people bend this rule... but you should fall back on this!

The shower should be thrown by a bridesmaid or her fiance's family. Never, ever her family. I always think its tacky when a mother or sister of the bride send shower invites.

another step's picture

Bingo! Family is never supposed to host showers. If they suggest that you should, not only do you have a perfect "get out of jail free card", you also get to imply that they do not understand basic etiquette. Smile

As for the wedding itself, it would be churlish not to go but you can just keep a low profile and drive separately from your DH so that you can leave when you choose. But the idea of her father serenading her is entitled step-daughter through and through. I can just see the guests' eyes rolling now. No, it is not "sweet." It is creepy. And DH and BM dancing together? If there had been a decent working relationship throughout the years and they were friendly, then I could see it if that was something they chose to do. But you don't get to be nasty for years and then ask for something like this just because a wedding is happening.

plzstepback72's picture

He hasnt done much of anything. When Sd was younger he would watch her throw her fits and just shake his head. I didnt know why until BM started dragging us to court at least twice a year for non-compliance for not paying medical bills that she purposely with-held from us and every 10 cent raise we got we got dragged back for a child support increase. It seemed like everytime we had a little money she came sniffing around. It was then that I figured out BM works as a loan officer in a bank and she was checking our credit and bank accounts that she took from the checks we used to pay her for reimbursed medical expenses. I mad DH change banks and switch to money orders. I believe DH lives in fear of BM. She has us still paying support to a 21 yr old adult who lives with her fiance, they both have jobs, cars, apartment...ect. She took him to court and was awarded support until SD finishes college so that SD can graduate debt free. We are not wealthy! We cant even afford to pay an attorney to fight my ex who stopped making his c/s payments to my child months ago. I dont understand our courts! My Dh is the bad guy because he divorced a lying, cheating, drunken manipulator but in the eye of the court shes the mom so she must be right. Only recently has DH started to show signs of wanting to stand up for me and my daughter (whom he claims as his own and loves dearly)Im optimistic that he has reached his limit with these people and his own family but he is very non-confrontational. He has recently stood up to SD and told her off about the college incident. As for him singing that song I dont get it. SD has some weird ideas about relationships that creep me out. She was always the one to try and sit between us on the couch, hold DH hand if I was, trying to sit on his lap...ugh! He promptly threw her ass in the floor lol!! I have seen this in small kids but never a teen or early adult. Once she confronted me and told me I need to take the lock off my bedroom door because her mother told her that DH and I cannot have sex. She said BM told her i had an operation to take out my female parts and i can never have sex again. She said she knows its true because her mother wouldnt ever lie! OMG!!! WTF??? I had a tubal ligation!!! What is this woman doing to this girls mind?? If she can convince her of crap like this what else has she done to her mind...Now SD is acting just like her. Im at a loss here...Really?? Can anyone say PAS??

plzstepback72's picture

You are a smart lady. I like everything you had to say. I do deserve better and so does my child. My Dh should step up. It upsets me that he stays quiet with all of them yet complains about them to me. I believe the Two shall become one but dare I ask he skip his only childs wedding for me? I wish he would make that grand of a gesture but I dont think that day will ever come. I will think on your words. I believe that steel sharpens steel and your counsel has been good for me. Thank you again

plzstepback72's picture

She may be putting off the wedding until next year when she graduates because thats when the support stops. Well played!! Im sure BM has thought of that already. Im not privy to the details of the wedding since nobody speaks to me anyway unless its to send me an insult on FB. Thats fine with me...me and my daughter might just be very busy that day. We have talked and my hubby says he is NOT paying for a wedding...he said he may agree to paying for the cake or something but we owe literally thousands to our lawyer thanks to them so wait in line like the rest!!!

Anon2009's picture

Your husband should have put his foot down eons ago in defense of his marriage to you. If he had, maybe things wouldn't be the way they are. Shame on him for not going.

It is up to you what you decide to go. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. Me personally, I wouldn't go and I'd make a conscious effort to never see any of these a-holes ever again.

plzstepback72's picture

Oh they will invite me and my family because they want the money and presents that come with and they will also invite me to cause maximum drama because that is what they have thrived on the past 10 yrs. But suprise no money will come from my pocket nor my family and they can bring on the drama because I really wont play anymore! My husband my be left to deal with this on his own as I am leaning toward skipping the whole dramafest. I dont see why I should attend or throw parties for a girl who as never so much a bought me a Xmas card or birthday gift. She completely ignores our anniversary and usually tries to start a fight whenever it gets close so that we cant enjoy our day. No I think I might decline all of it! As for the family if they want to swallow lies, believe half truths and exaggerations and continue to look down their noses at me and my child then they can have the whole mess. They have seen this girl come unglued before and they know she is a pot stirrer so if that is what they choose I dont want them.

oldone's picture

Don't do anything but in your mind plan how you could absolutely ruin her wedding activities. I'm NOT saying to actually do this. But dream up some good ideas of what you could do. It will give you some fun to think up how diabolical you could be.

Like showing up all dressed in black "widows weeds".

http://widowsweeds.com/

Or going to the shower and giving her explicit sex toys, condoms, etc. Or better yet NOT going to a shower and sending a beautifully wrapped package of crap.

luchay's picture

No no no - don't imagine turning up in black - work out, get yourself looking amazing, bridal best Wink and wear the laciest white dress you can find (in your imagination of course)

Outshine the bloody bride!

forgotten wife's picture

OP, why haven't you blocked those people from your FB page, especially your SD? I don't let any of my DH's family have access to my life, even my virtual one. It gives me great pleasure to think that they may try to look for my page and not be able to see it!

plzstepback72's picture

I have since blocked them one and all...however I still recieve friend requests from them regularly but I decline. Some make comments on my husbands FB that are for me to see. They comment on his posts that I have commented on so they know it will show up in my feed....sneaky bastards!

ldvilen's picture

I don't mind responding to older blogs, as someone may come across them years later and still gleam some advice from them, like me. "My husband may be left to deal with this on his own as I am leaning toward skipping the whole dramafest." Not a bad idea, especially if you feel you can't trust your husband because he threw you under the bus at an earlier SK's wedding. People say ‘it is only one day,’ but it is very symbolic. I've been wrestling with the after affects from my own SD wedding drama for the past year, and now I just learned SS is getting married. Here are the conclusions I've come to: #1--you do not have to go. You have the right to protect yourself. In an attempt to deal with issues from SD's wedding, I have been checking out wedding/step-mother blogs all over the place, and I am shocked at how step-mothers are treated at many of these weddings. They are not treated respectfully at all, for the most part, and some even try to call it wedding etiquette. How ridiculous if not downright insane to expect the stepmom to sit in the third row alone and be quiet/not be in any pictures, etc. OMG, this is literally like something out of the 1920’s. The little trophy-wifey is supposed to sit way in back and not say a word. Hello! What year is this now? And, unfortunately, you won’t have a clue what you are in for until you get to the wedding. I’ve seen blogs where women have been married to their husbands (bio-dad) for 25 years and paid themselves for most of the SK’s wedding, and then wound up sitting at the reject table, while bio-mom and dad are sitting at the head table yucking it up. So, how long you've been married to your husband, and how well you may think you get along with your SKs doesn't matter at all. I would try to find out ahead of time what sort of fake-rules the bride/groom or whoever have literally made up for the wedding. Then, I’d decide strictly for myself if I want to put up with ‘em. Your husband won’t have to face the shame and humiliation that you will, so his opinion doesn’t matter, as far as I’m concerned, especially if he wasn’t there for you in the past at a similar event. If you don't want to go, don't, and tell husband to go and enjoy the day with his kids and be done with it. If you want, you can plan a dinner with your husband and the new bride and groom for later and offer your best to them at that time.

Sammy3355's picture

Under such circumstances I would not go. It would be torture a step mother day! Stay at home, go to the spa and enjoy a nice drink!