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Adult stephdaughter's entitlement issues and selfish disregard

Wishes's picture

My SD is 24 and I am indeed frustrated and fed up with the BS. Her father and I met in 1991, two years after he and his wife legally split (step daughter was 6 when we met). She and I have always gotten along fine, even though I have no children of my own (nor did I ever want any) to relate our relationship to.

Fast forward...SD dropped out of high school at age 16 and despite my strong objections, her parents did not force her to return to school (lived with mother in another state). SD got pregnant at 19 and just had another child this year (now has a 5 year old and 4 month). She is with the father of the kids.

SD has worked a total a 6 months her entire life (no exaggeration) and has no concept of what work is for all intents and purposes. She was incredibly spoiled by her parents, obviously.

Anyway, SD calls father when she wants $ or wants to complain about her life (now blaming her mom for not providing a stable home for her as a child). Basically, SD calls her dad and stresses him out. Now she calls him and springs on him that she and the BF are going to get married on 11/22 and she wants her parents to give her $ for a reception. Her mother called us screaming about this latest antic that SD is pulling. She does not have any $ and we are by no means able to contribute anything substantial, let alone on such late notice.

I am livid about this latest manipulative, entitled attitude but mostly am mad that she has no regard for how hard her father works and how it is not his job to take care of her anymore. She calls him up and starts crying about her life, guilting him into sending her $ and completely stressing him out and mainpulating him. That in turn puts a strain on our relationship because what affects him, affects me too.

So, I am just about fed up with all the BS and I'm ready to lay into this young lady once and for all, even if it means having a non-relationship from now on. I'm tired of her acting like a manipulative passive/agressive brat. I want to tell her that she made her bed and that it is time that she grows up and takes some responsibility for herself. She has man and it is his job to take care of her now, not her dad's. Yes we all need a little help from family once in awhile, but this constant drama is over the top. It's just one 'tragedy' after another with this girl and it's about to send me over the edge. Calling up and crying that you want a reception in 3 weeks time and that you want your parents to foot the bill is outrageous IMO.

Honestly, I've waited in the wings for 18 years for this child to grow up so her father and I can finally have some 'us' time. Seems the SD will not let this happen and dad won't see how he is being manipulated. Ugh! I'm ready to explode and have been given a Rx of Xanax because my nerves are shot over all this Jerry Springer drama all the time.

Tell me, what would you do?

fedupstepdad's picture

Tell you husband it's time to start acting like a responsible father and not be guilted by his darling daughter. And I'm with you...if' you're old enough to have made the decisions to bring children into this world and want to get married, then you SHOULD be responsible to do it on your own. You are not owed a wedding from your parents...they give because they can or want to. Good Luck!

Angel72's picture

When the bm calls u guys to scream about the same thing, then the decision is made. Dotn stress too much because mom and dad appear to be on the same page. No money.
So there is the answer. Your dh and his exwife will have to get together face to face with daughter and tell her sorry sweety, we have no money to put forth considering the 3 week notice. People who marry usually take one year in advance after their engagement which basically gives people a chance to save money along with the daily bills they have to pay.
Its a no for the money. You'll just have borrow the money for the wedding or postpone it until you have enough money for your wedding.

So is your dh considering giving the money? Cause if he is, then you and bm shoudl get together and give a real hard slap of reality.!!!!!

Wishes's picture

Ok pardon my ignorance but what is a 'DH' and what is a 'BM'? lol

Beyond that, yes I already told the father that he and the ex need to put aside their differences and sit this kid down and give her a good dose of reality.

eyes2blue68's picture

Detach, detach, detach. My 22 year old YSD asked if I could come get her last week so she could do laundry at my house. No--go to a laundromat. This week I get a text asking for me to come get her in my car and take her son to his pediatrician appt. later this month in the office building across the street from her apartment complex. I log on to T-Mobile and once again block this needy SD's phone where she can't bother me and it forces my DH, her dad, to deal with her crap. I married DH, not his children. As if that wasn't bad enough YSS who's almost 19 called and asked my DH to co-sign on a $10,000 car for him. Instead of saying "I have bad credit and I wouldn't do it even if I had good credit" my DH simply said he had poor credit and told YSS to try his older brother. I give it a few days and YSS will be asking us to help put down a nice deposit for a car if you get my drift.

I've only been married about 2.5 years and I get worn down by the drama. It blows my mind that this stepchildren are grown, most have families of their own, but still expect their parents to help them on a regular basis. I agree if you're old enough to marry and have children, you have to cut the financial ties at some point such as when you chew your parents out, throw a hissy about how grown up you are, teach those parents a lesson, etc. Ok, children. You HAD to prove to us all you were adults, so hey, start acting like one. YSD also is a high school dropout with no driver's license either. She is fully dependent on her husband or others to take her around to run errands, go to appointments, etc. She moved closer to us (5 minutes by car) and has the worst sense of entitlement. Any time I try to give her the benefit of the doubt and DH stresses to her that she is not to ask for rides, invite herself over but wait to be invited, etc. she does ok for a few weeks then goes back to her old ways. My therapist and have a month going for each time I block the YSD's phone. I simply tell my DH she's been blocked and she's not welcome here unless I invite her over. Some people think it's cruel but I own the house and if I'm on eggshells when DH's children come over, it makes me miserable and the mood lasts for days after.

Don't help your stepdaughter. She can fend for herself. There's no reason after having kids as long as she has (her oldest) that she can't wait a few more months and save for her own reception. Yes, it's hard when our spouses cater to them but at some point they'll wise up and see they are being used and have become a parent of convenience where the child is concerned. Best wishes!

Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (18). DH has been married twice before me.

grayskies's picture

Same here. Our "little miss entitlement" aka sd18 bounced back and forth for years, manipulating and lying her way to getting what she wanted. Dh refused to see it and guilt-parented his way through it, until she threatened to ruin our wedding if she didn't get to be the maid of honor. No chance in hell of that one, sweetie. We were told that if she couldnt be the moh, then she would show up anyways with her friends and trash the wedding. Dh FINALLY stood up to this horrible little girl and banned her from our house, the wedding, and from calling us. She went to live with bm, yet again, then ran half way across the country to live with an 18 year old guy she met online. We didnt hear from her for months, and now its the phone calls all the time, asking for money, a car, plane tickets to come home to visit. I was furious that dh was even talking to her again, but he's worried that she's really going to get herself in trouble, living in a state where she knows no-one but this guy. She'll be 19 this month-and I dont want anything bad to happen to her- but when does this end? I know, never. I love dh far too much to leave him over this, but now she's creeping back in through the phone. Dh put a limit as to how many times she can call a week and told her she's not allowed back in our house until she starts therapy....I guess he's getting there, but this sense of entitlement crap really burns me. Ss16 still lives with us and talks to sd all the time on the phone, and then tells us how sad she is and how she doesnt have any food, and that we don't understand her. I told ss that if she got a JOB, then she would have money. He just stared at me like a deer in the headlights. He's another story for another time. God it feels good to get that off my chest, thank you.

dianalg's picture

I have a ss that is sixteen and an idiot too. I wouldnt care if she was across the country broke, starving, and standing in a snow storm as long as she didnt come back to you, thats just my opinion, but, i have really stupid, manipulating, ignorant, kids that belong to my fiance that both prob have disabilities they are so stupid. One is really slow, the 16 yr old i think, cant even brush his teeth without caking toothpaste all over the bathroom sink or covering the mirror. Which, he is getting up this morning and cleaning, dad was suppose to make him do it last night, told him three times but of course never follows through to see that it gets done.

Orange County Ca's picture

Do not confront her............... with your feelings. It's Dad's job to cut the suspenders from this girl and its way past due. Your problem is convencing him that as a father its his obligation to force his child to make her own way in the world.

His other option is to wait until he dies and then she will learn these lessons. But it will be so much harder and maybe impossible for her to cope. He will have done her a dis-service and one could say ruined her life.

Take a look at Amazon.com or another bookselling site. Find books that will address this issue and buy one for Dad. "Tough Love Adults" would my key words to start but use your imagination.

Wishes's picture

I've told him repeatedly that enough is enough. He just can't say no to her and stick to it. She always ends up getting what she wants while I'm left holding my ass in the wind. I swear, at this point I'd rather just have separate lives...his with me and his with his daughter and never the twain shall meet anymore. That's how fed up and pissed off I am, at both of them really I suppose (DH and SD). But I'm the one that comes out looking selfish right, because I'm the wicked old SM. *Eyes rolling* It's all so exasperating.

dianalg's picture

That is exactly how I feel in my home, I am always the bad guy too. My fiance gets attitiude the second i mention the disrespect fiance gets all huffy with me and cuts me off. I understand how yu feel.

Janey1970's picture

I would never ever have dreamed of embarassing my parents by asking them to finance my lifestyle the way some of these individuals do (my own adult stepdaughters included). Some people just have no shame and no self respect.

My father would have sent me away with more than a flea in my ear and I think he would have felt that he had failed in life somehow if we had gone begging. My dh and I don't have a great deal of money, but what we do have, we have worked hard for and paid for ourselves.

Time this lazy so and so was sent out to work and made realise just how much a wedding is likely to set everyone back. She might then be a little more realistic about what she can afford.

Good luck to you.

Wishes's picture

I hate to say it Janey but I pretty much agree with everything you said. And, I've said the same stuff to my DH. What we have we have to work for. No one hands us anything. I wish I had someone I could run to! Ha! I've literally worked since I was around 9 years old (paper route). Did my folks spoil me? Sure they did. But I also understood that money didn't grow on trees, that I needed to WORK and that it was out of the question to EXPECT anyone to give me money for nothing.

vgill's picture

If she want's something tell her to go work for it ! she'll appriciate it more and as for what you will give it will be a gift!

Wishes's picture

Easier said than done I'm afraid vgill. There's ALWAYS an excuse. "I have two young children." "I don't have a vechicle." "I can't afford a sitter." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....excuse after excuse after excuse. There are many people out there who are doing a helluva lot more with a helluva lot less to work with (working 3 or 4 jobs, doing whatever it takes). No, with this young woman it all comes back to entitlement/take care of me issues. And I'm afraid the ones truly to blam are her parents. But looks like I'm the one that's ending up 'paying' for it (got to love double entendres don't you?).

Wishes's picture

Thanks everyone for responding and helping to confirm that I am not out of my rights to feel this whole thing is ridiculous.

DH and I had a bit of a blow out over it the other night and he still does not see 'the light'. He also said "It is going to happen whether you want it to or not". I told him that's fine but I want nothing to do with the entire thing, and that I will NOT be attending. That is my stance, period. That should pretty much get my point across to my SD.

Incidently, DH talked to the SD's BF this morning (couldn't get ahold of SD) and the BF asked if I was coming and DH told him no.

But get this...DH actually thinks I'm going to COOK something for him to bring to this 1/2 ass siore! I told him he's out of his friggin mind. It's not happening.

*sigh* Honest to gawd...WTF am I doing? It's like a bad episode of Jerry Springer.

DoingItAgain's picture

So, it sounds like SD is still getting what she wants?? DH is still paying for a reception? Just you aren't going?

I don't mean to sound antagonstic but what point exactly are you getting across to SD? She still gets her way (picture her sticking her toungue out at you saying 'neener, neener'!) and she gets daddy all to herself at the reception and doesn't have to deal with you.

I do agree this is a rediculous request of SD and your DH, well, he just wants to support his daughter.

But if DH IS going to support his daughter, it's too bad that you are also showing her that she has the power to drive a wedge between you by not going. Wedding receptions can be romantic. Maybe you should go and show your love for DH... make sure there is music and dancing... request 'yours and DH's' song so you can slow dance and get kissy kissy with DH Smile

Wishes's picture

The point I'm getting across is that I will NOT be a hypocrite and show up to support something I believe to be unacceptable. And as it turns out just like my DH said, it's going to happen whether I like it or not now. Fine. Doesn't mean I have to be there supporting it when I really don't.

Yes, you are right. She will get daddy all to herself w/out having to deal with me...for now. As soon as this party is over...then the 'party IS over' and I am going to give her a piece of my mind when she asks why I didn't show.

I've been nothing but decent and generous to this child since she was 6 years old. I never played the evil SM, not ever. I never fought with her BM and never stirred up any fn drama. I've always kept my mouth shut. But now I am fed up and will NOT support this crap anymore. That is the point I am getting across Loving. That I am not a fool and that I know exactly what she is doing...manipulating her dad and that I am having any part in it.

DoingItAgain's picture

But, it's not the wedding/marriage you don't support, it's just your DH's financial contribution to it (especially on such short notice), correct?

This is a day that she (and DH) will forever remember. There will be pictures that will last a lifetime. Grandchildren will see them. Don't you want to be a part of those? Don't you want to show them all that you and DH are together forever? That no one can come between you?

You can still give her a peice of your mind after the day and write her off then but I'm just suggesting that this is a day you may always hold even more resentment for than you now do when you see the pictures of DH being happy and you weren't part of it.

Is is possible that you could put aside your anger for a few hours, go and have a wonderful time (still without any contribution to the event) and then tell her later what a little manipulative brat she is?

Wishes's picture

Yes, that is exactly the reason why I don't support it, the short notice and financial demands (in other words, the entitlement and blatant disregard for her father's financial situation). She has manipulated him/guilted him into this because she new that eventually he would 'cave' just as he always does. That does not translate into me partaking...

No, I have been putting aside my feelings for 18 years Loving...18 years and I'm done conceding. Moreover, doing as you suggest, going to the 'event' and then telling her what a manipulative brat she was for doing that to her dad thereafter...that is just the hypocritical actions I was talking about. I will not do it.

I don't care about photos. Photos are pieces of yesterday, not the visions of the future. Yesterday is a canceled check, today is ready cash and tomorrow is a promissory note, as the saying goes.

Please know, I'm not being 'snippy' with you even though I may be coming off that way in my blunt responses. lol I'm just trying to skip through all the padding and get to the meat of the conversation. Biggrin

DoingItAgain's picture

No worries, Wishes! I take no offense. I can hear your frustration and I realize what I was suggesting would take a serious act of God to overcome the bitterness of it all to be able to go and have a good time. It's all easier said than done and certainly easier for me to suggest when I'm not in your shoes.

I didn't realize this girl has been doing these kinds of things for 18 years. Hopefully, this financial contribution by your DH doesn't affect you. THAT is what I'd be ticked about.

Well, plan a nice girls night out then and get pampered!

Angel72's picture

Tell him to cook! or he can buy something.....its like knockign on a brick wall!!!!
What does her mother think? Since she called screaming about it?

Wishes's picture

I don't believe he has talked to the ex since she called so I honestly don't know what's going on with her now. I essentially washed my hands of the whole thing, and told DH so.

KittyKat's picture

I'm with you, Wishes...

My three adult SD "infants" (30, 29, 26) have me so detached from their lives after 6 years of their "antics", that I wouldn't attend one of their "events" again if they rolled out a red carpet.

And, I'm not angry, I'm not upset. It's just that every event (holidays, weddings, etc.) there is always some dramatic EPISODE where I just want to get the hell away from them anyway. Nothing ever runs smoothly with these three. So, they can have "daddy" all to themselves for their dramafests; I'll be busy living my life.

And the episode that sealed fate for me happened just about a month ago. H and I went away for a much-needed RELAXING long weekend. But, StepInfant (29) must have needed attention from daddy in that she found herself in trouble with the law again, basically ruining our weekend. After much chaos, I totally flipped. So, of course, I"m the "bad one"....not that a 29 year should KNOW after ONE FRIGGING DUI (and leaving the scene of an accident)...you DON'T GO OUT and DRINK AND DRIVE AGAIN.

They can all kiss my azz. H KNOWS it's wrong, but, again, it's his problem not mine. Luckily, he will not be giving the witch ONE DIME to help her out, but he's still convinced the cops are out to "get her" (!!!)

All I know is that the "girlies" don't like me very much, and I couldn't be happier. Maybe now they'll GROW UP and get a life!!

I'll meet ya for drinks the day of the "wedding". I'm sure we could swap MANY stories. Smile

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Wishes's picture

LOL about meeting for drinks on wedding day. Sounds like a plan to me.

Yes I'm afraid our (SD & I) once decent relationship is going down the toilet. But really, how much longer am I supposed to put up w/this BS? I'm sorry but I just can't keep doing this and this time I'm standing firm. Not going, not sending gift, not sending cards, not sending food. I'm done.

Oh and nightmare of nightmares...they are holding the reception at a fish & game club out in the sticks. Good grief...could it get any more Jerry Springer ladies and gentlemen?

Now my H is whining that I have to help him pick out something nice to wear and help him order some food. Ha! I said, "What did I tell you? I have washed my hands of this entire thing so you are on your own buddy and I don't want to hear anymore about it, period." JC, what is he 12 yrs old. Now I'm starting to understand where SD gets this 'rescue' me BS from...dear old dad! lol

*snort* Hell hath no fury like a pissed off SM. lol

anita...sigh's picture

I would have told SD to have a potluck dinner then everyone can share in the expense. Problem solved.

We all smile in the same language

Wishes's picture

I'm having nothing to do with it. But for what it's worth I find that to be incredibly tacky, to ask people to bring food to your wedding reception. I would never, ever, ever suggest such a thing.

anita...sigh's picture

No more tacky then asking you guys to foot the bill under the circumstances. Every point you made in your o/p is bang on. She's old enough to play house and have kids, she's old enough to foot the bill. If she can't handle that, well then, they can go to the JP and get hitched and party within their budget.

We all smile in the same language

larabell's picture

I am relating to these stories. I have been married to my husband now for 20 years. He has 3 Skids (28SS, 32SS and 33SD). Each one of them has major entitlement issues.

I end up of course being the bad guy and putting my foot down. My DH is 11 years older than me, done, he is nearing retirement and has to start looking out for himself. So the straw that broke the camels back was about a 2 years ago when he went behind my back to give deadbeat SS32 his SSN so he could get a cellphone (they all have crappy credit because they do not pay bills... go figure). So SS32 runs up cell phone to the tune of 1100 dollars, does not pay it but instead gets a second cell phone and does not pay the last bill on that one either (another 150 bucks). Both end up on my husbands credit report (went to collections). I am trying to refinance our house and the lender says "Your husband has some collections" i think i almost fell off the floor when i found out what happened.

In a way it was a good thing because the lightbulb went off in my husbands head. That all they think about him is as a 'wallet' and dont really give a crap. Its very sad. He thought he was helping and he got screwed. Bottom line, we ended up having to pay that bill. Flushed money down the bowl. On another occasion he gave SS32 money to help pay rent one christmas (about 2000). We visit them a few months later and i see that he is playing around with a brand new laptop? I did not say anything at the time but when i got home i told my husband and he was livid. I said, what do you expect? He thought he was helping. NOT.

To make a long story short i had my husband call up deadbeat son and tell him he had to pay the bill and get a new phone. I really was livid, honestly i could not even imagine doing something like that to my own parents? Bottom line.... SS32 decides he should not have to pay anything and ends up getting an atitude and stops talking to my husband for about 6 months (best 6 months of our lives). I guess after all "we owe him?" Unbelievable....

And dont even get me started with birthdays holidays ect, i can count on my hand how many times he has even called or sent a card (i have stopped thinking about what a normal 32 year old would give like.... oh a present!). But he always has his hand out. He lives back east, has now moved back in with BM and has not worked for about 2 years. Says to others how he can "count on his hand how many times his dad has helped him..." (in other words doll out money to float his not working???) I refuse to enable. I told him it has to end. Also i guess SS32 made comment to brother in law that he is upset at his father "that he never set him up in a business." (in other words he would not be sitting in his moms house eating twinkies if ONLY we would have gave him money???)

Its really unbelievable. About 2 years ago my husband inherited a small amount of money from his mothers estate and it has been HELL ever since. You would think we are from lifestyles of the rich and famous. Basically all the money did was dig us out of our financial hole and provide us a small slush fund, not enough to retire on or go on a cruise. Either way now they all resent the fact that we do not just "give it to them" or "pay thier bills."

I just dont get it. Now SD33 has an attitude with me because she is broke with 4 kids on Section 8 because she made stupid decisions. She used to call about every other week whining about money until both of us snapped and my husband said "Do i need to get another job because your husband does not want to work?" She does not want to work, but i do. I say "get a job!" Instead she makes suggestions to us how "We should move back east, get a big house together and i (me) can take the train into the city to work while she watches the kids" i say.... OK so who does that benefit?

Last year i finally started thinking about myself too. Stopped taking trips there all the time. For the first time in many years my husband and i went to Florida for Christmas. We started to think, the planes work both ways. Since that time she has gotten a tude with me too. I dont care.

Its sad. I think she really resents me and i am so done. We live out of state and there is a reason for it!

happy's picture

OMG --- Wow I am in the same vote and it really hit home for me last night.. How manipulative they can be. MY SD is 18 moved out came back couldn't live by rules and got forced out in Sept.. ok calls she is pregnant, doesn't like the kid anymore, got fired from her job and wants to move back in, we wanted to sit down with her, but no she had to know if she was moving back in yesterday caused a whole up roar, her mom was texting me all this crap. And when it was finally said and done this is the last straw for me with her! I can't do it. I gave her support when she was telling us she was pregnant, I was buying things, more so cause she was working and SEEMED to be grown up. She will be 19 soon. Very rude, manipulative, selfish and its sad cause now she is bringing a child in to the world. But I can't do this anymore, 6 years of her crap and I just can't...Sad thing is her mom doesn't want her to live with her, but wants to be the greatest mom ever... does that make sense.. I used to get along with her, now I think she is just nuts.. Everytime I get my hopes up that things will be ok, maybe this is it, I get let down and hurt and I just can't anymore.
So dear I hear you loud and clear.. Sad sad sad...

Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"

Wishes's picture

UPDATE: The wedding is over and done with, thank God (11/22). But listen to this: The SD called DH repeatedly Saturday morning (I let the machine pick up - I refuse to talk to the kid.) When DH got home from work I told him that she called. You'll never guess what she wanted.... asking for more money to pay for beer at the reception! AND...to tell her father that he needs to wear a suit! The whole time DH is talking with SD on the phone, the BM is in the background screaming saying something like "this wedding will reflect badly on the parents if we don't pay for drinks for everyone." Then DH reported that SD yelled at her mother and told her to STFU. Can you imagine?! After the SD pretty much demands money from both birth parents, then she has the further disrespect to talk to her mother in that manner? Honestly....What can I say, I was truly speechless. I can't even begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this child. I don't ever want to see her get hurt or anything like that, but....I am absolutely horrified by her behavior, ungratefullness and entitlement. I will NEVER look at her the same way ever again.

And just as a 'fun' side note: DH told me that SD called his two sisters and asked them to make dishes for her reception...enough to feed 80 people. LMFAO! Can you believe it!? LMAO...OMG...amazing. All I can do now is laugh in disbelief and shake my head in disgust.

Wishes's picture

Had she spoken to me in that manner (which she wouldn't dare) she would have gotten a good smack right across her face and told not to come around until which time she learned to show some respect. I couldn't ever imagine speaking to my mother that way! Let alone after asking her for money! lol Unfreakinbelievable!

As an aside I find this amusing: Before this whole wedding reception crap started SD called and left messages on our machine always saying "Hi dad & Laurie". Since this fiasco, she hasn't acknowledged me once. Coincidence??? lol I think not.

Totalybogus's picture

I thought the tradition (in normal circumstances) was that the bride's family footed the bill for the wedding and reception and the groom's parents footed the bill for the liquor.

What did they or his parents contribute?

Wishes's picture

That may be the traditional course of action Totaly, but that doesn't always apply to everyone's situation. Not everyone's parents are in a financial situation to foot the bill. When a daughter KNOWS this to be the case then she has NO business EXPECTING financial assistance, never mind with 4 weeks notice! lol

I have no idea what his parents contributed.

Wishes's picture

Well I told DH that he had better sit this child down and have a long talk with her very soon...or I will break my silence. I've had it.

CyndiLE's picture

Ugh! I hate these SK's sense of entitlement! My DD got married last year, she didn't ask us for anything. We sent her a check for $500, and spent another $500 on a gift. DH has been out of work off and on, and we are not well off. She had a really nice wedding, and I know they spent a ton, but that's what they wanted. SD and her BF and kids were there. They announced at the wedding, that they are going to get married in the next year or 2. Then SD told me they'd wait awhile, so we could recover from DD's wedding. I told her DD paid for most of it anyway, not us. Then I was told that SD was going around, telling people at the wedding that she was making a list of stuff she wants for her wedding to give to us! The crap never ends!!!

buttercup123's picture

The woman is a disaster. How can your DH even stand her? He needs to set some limits. She made her life into what it is so if she wants to complain she should do it to a shrink.

Wishes's picture

Hi everyone. I just thought I'd stop by since it's been some time. Things got better after Christmas because I have essentially detached from the SD. But just when you think it's 'safe', they spring another one on you. I think you're really going to 'love' this. lol (Please refer to my initial post at the start of this thread above as a reference):

So I was sitting at my PC yesterday morning when DH got home from work...We chatted a bit and a little while later he said he had something to tell me...

*long pause*
So as I sat facing my PC I said "Well? What is it?" (I had no expectations of what it could be other than perhaps he had to work an extra day or something.)

"K is pregnant again... and this one wasn't planned either".

(Insert sound of crickets chirping in the dead silence of our DR).

*brief pause*
I then said without turning around and while continuing to go about my business on the PC : "So what do you want me to say? Clearly they're (she & husband) a couple of morons but beyond that I will not vest any emotion into it. I just don't care anymore."

He kept pressing me, trying to get me to exhibit some kind of emotion (I think). But I refused to indulge him. I was indifferent and I think that threw him for a loop.

I said "Honey, just let it lay there. I 'get' that you see your daughter through rose-colored glasses but I don't. End of story. Now let's move on. "

So, there you have it. Then I went on with my day pleased in the fact that I no longer allowed myself to be upset by her poor/selfish decisions. Truly, a milestone. Lol

The other interesting part is that DH will still tell me how 'badly' the SD feels that I don't talk to her anymore and that I SHOULD CALL HER TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.

R U freaking serious dude? LMAO Get over it. I'm finally at the point where she can't upset me and he only thinks in terms of how it makes his daughter feel. Good grief.

KittyKat's picture

Wishes, I am SO SO PROUD OF YOU!!

Over time, it gets easier and easier as they (SDs) keep making dumber and dumber decisions. My H has learned to not even tell me anything anymore (and I KNOW a lot of it has to do with the fact that he is embarrassed....I think when I was listening, he thought the info was "OK", maybe even NORMAL. Now that I have no use for it, he no longer has an audience for their muck-ups.

I wouldn't touch that phone to call her if it were the last call you were allowed to make. You are turning the tables, and you are darned right. Let HER worry about how she makes YOU FEEL. Your CONFIDENCE WILL earn you the respect you deserve!!! WOO HOO FOR YOU!! Smile

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

DidNotSignUpforDrama's picture

Keep being happy with yourself. No signing up for babysitiing duty by default. She will not let up until your H tells her off. I constantly remind my H, that when he does see the crap his grown kids do... I hope that it does not do him him since he is going to take it really hard.

Now that would be unfair to me being the disengaged, selfish, pregnant SM that I am with a smile on my face every day for not playing along.

Wishes's picture

Hi folks. Obviously it's been a long time since I posted so I thought I'd swing by and give you an update.

Like a damn fool I caved in and re-engaged SD at the begging of my S.O., back in June. Guess what? Has served no purpose but for her to once again manipulate and act selfish. There were two incidents of calling up and inviting themselves over with no notice, expecting me to feed their ever growing family even though we were short on funds on both ocassions. I protested both visits but her father got mad at ME for making her feel 'unwelcome'. I never told her she wasn't welcome, I told her she needed to give us more notice before calling up and deciding they were coming to visit and to prepare dinner for them (literally). No regard for what we may or may not be doing or whether or not we want visitors...just call up w/less than 24 hr notice and say "hey here's how it's gonna be"!

Well guess what folks...the final straw, if you will, is being disgusted w/her not sending her father a well-deserved birthday card. I told her 2x that despite what he might say about not caring, he DOES care and wants that card from her. I told her a phone call is nice but a card would mean a lot to him. I called her on the phone and told her this; that he father has done a LOT for her (read some of my other posts about her wedding demands) and that at the very LEAST she could send him a birthday card every year. I made her promise to do it for me (for him). She promised she would. Then just two days ago I sent her a FB message reminding her to send the card. Result: She didn't respond to me and once again pulled the lazy way out by calling him and making excuses for not sending a card. Biggest problem: dad...he won't stop the manipulation and selfishness on her end, and excuses everything she does (or doesn't do). Sad

So I've decided that I will not be part of this BS. I'm disengaging again, period. This child is an entitled, enabled adult b-r-a-t. My S.O. is just going to have to learn that if he wants to continue enabling her behavior, that I will have no part in it, period. Too bad if she doesn't like it if I distance myself again. I don't care. She hasn't respected one thing I've asked her to do FOR HER FATHER. So I wipe my hands of the whole GD thing once and for all.

Moral of the story: We teach people how to treat us and my S.O. (as much as I love him) has taught this kid to have an entitled, narcissitic attitude toward he and I.

Wishes's picture

I sent the SD a message today asking why she didn't send her father birthday card. As usual she deflected and put it back on me. The snotty little self-absorbed brat. She said "Oh I'm sorry you didn't think my wedding was important enough to show up to". This after I said to her "I'm really disappointed and unhappy to learn you didn't think mailing a birthday card to your father is worth the effort once a year". Unbelievable. I cut myself off before I said something I would regret....

Wishes's picture

By the way, I 'went off' & communicated the aforementioned to her father (my s.o.) I told him she is way out of line with her obnoxious response. Reminded him that I've been NOTHING but good to this kid her entire life (since she was 5 and she's now 25). He sat silent almost in disbelief (so what else is new). Finally, he said he had to admit there really was no excuse for her not sending him a card. I said that's right. It requires minimal effort on her part. But instead she called him, manipulated him and again got him to say "oh it's okay I don't care" (not true). And therein lies the problem...enable and excuse her all the time. He even brought up that after I called her to tell her that she needed to remember to make the effort this year, that she reportedly 'cried'. I said "You know what I am so sick and tired of this wah wah poor me crap. I don't want to hear it". I said "Honey, can't you see that she's manipulating you? Open your eyes and grow a set"!

And so I'm sure she'll be on the phone with him today while I'm at work, whining and 'crying'...playing him into guilty parenting once again. I'm telling him tonight that I relented early this year for him but she's just behaving in the same selfish way and not only is she UNGRATEFUL of her father, NOW she's being disrespectful to me. Guess what? I don't think so. She may be able to get away with talking to her BM that way but I sure as sh*t will not have it. As far as I'm concerned, that was indeed the last straw. I want nothing to do with the entitled, disrespectful, ungrateful brat. This is the thanks I get after 20 years of never being the 'evil' SM...never starting any crap with her BM...always keeping my mouth shut....this is what I get. A snotty smart-mouthed 25 y.o. SD. Hey guess what sweetheart...your father may fall for that manipulative BS but I sure as hell don't.

Oh and finally I said (as s.o. sat and said nothing), "You know what...she knew I was right and that's why she said what she said". Shockingly, s.o. said "You're right". So I then said "If she feels bad then good, she should! Maybe now/next time she'll think about you instead of herself first".

And that's all this has ever been about: Trying to 'teach' this kid that the world does not revolve around her and that she needs to step it up when it comes to her father. OH, that made you cry honey? Tough! You put your father through a lot of sh*t last year and yet you didn't care. Didn't send him a thank you note...you didn't do sh*t. All it was about was "me, me, I , I, gimme, gimme, guilt, guilt, manipulate, manipulate". Well, I for one will no longer put up with it. I'm done.

Can you tell I'm p*ssed? hahaha Biggrin

Wishes's picture

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P.S. I waited until Sunday to see if a card showed up over the weekend. Once it didn't, that's why I decided it was time to call her out on her broken promise. That's what the aforementioned message is referring to.

Wishes's picture

So guess who called her daddy saying she knew she shouldn't have said what she said, blah, blah, blah. I rolled my eyes and told him I really didn't care. She's showed her true colors now repeatedly and I didn't care how much he begged, borrowed and insisted that I FORGIVE HER...I'm finished. I told my s.o., we teach people how to treat us and guess what...she will not shyte all over me anymore. S.O. is blind and insists on a 'reconciliation' (bite me)...I have nothing to reconcile. She's an entitled, enabled brat and I won't be involved in any part of her nonsense ever again, period. Told s.o. he either has to accept that fact or we'll be through.

Wishes's picture

One month later...she still hasn't called to apologize to me. Yup, I'm done. She is the pupper master when it comes to her father. Why are parents so blind?

I was telling a good friend about all of this BS. She's a twice divorced mother of 3, two are adults now by the first ex-husband and one is 12, by the 2nd ex-husband. Second ex husband has remarried and has kids with new wife. Anyway...I told her my story and she said no matter what, no matter how long I've been a part of SD's life (since she was 6 and she's now 25), I'll ALWAYS be an outsider. Well, if I'm an outside I guess I have all that much more incentive to detach now don't I?