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Kids are money pits part 2

SeeYouNever's picture

I think Lt Dad was exactly right in my previous blog about when there isn't much affection, relationship or visitation then sending CS becomes the only parental contribution for a NCP and therefore the only thing they have to be proud of. It's true he has very little influence over SD14 and she avoids seeing us or making a real connection. She has been PASed for years but puts on a fake affection show. 

I WISH I could have embarrassed him in front of friends but he brought up the money pit thing when it was just us so I asked him "I guess SD isn't a money pit?" His whole mood changed and he struggled to describe what she was to him. He said it was like a drug habit, he throws MORE money at her and gets nothing. Apparently he sends 1200 a month not 1000 as I thought. Jesus that is a lot of money. He had all these analogies, like she is an extra rent payment, or a fine he has to pay for a crime he committed, 

I'm glad I waited until we were alone to bring it up, this way he was able to open up about how he resents that he sends so much money to a kid that acts loving when she's here but won't talk to him in between. It's such a fake non-relationship. He said he gave up the fight long ago when he saw he couldn't win.

He said yes our kids are like boats, but you can at least go out on a boat and enjoy it even if it's a money pit. SD is like a drug habit, he's got nothing to show for the money he's sent for her. 

So now I feel a little bad, but I guess it's reassuring that he isn't spending ton on SD with pleasure while resenting spending on ours. I forget who said it (maybe still Lt Dad) but you were right, when you love someone they are your safe place so you feel comfortable to joke and act up with them. I told him I didn't like for us to be the but of his jokes because everyone knows of SD so I'm sure they had some thoughts too. He was sorry but yes kids are expensive, he loves them But can't wait until they all have moved out.

Comments

FinallySkidFree's picture

His drug habit comment sounded painful. My DH is in this predicament. CS ends in 12 more days. He hasn't seen or heard from SD in years. I don't doubt that as soon as that check stops hitting the BMs bank account MAGICALLY SD will reappear.

It really is like paying a fine for a crime committed isn't it? Especially when the children they pay for, want zero to do with them. Glad you were able to have that talk, I'm sure you feel better about it now.

SeeYouNever's picture

In our case I don't think SD will reappear after CS stops. BM has backed off and now all communication goes through SD14 because BM knows that she is sufficiently PASed but can't really set her own schedule, so if BM is never involved in setting visitation it happens a whole lot less often. I full expect BM to start asking for more $$ directly once CS stops. 

I feel better knowing he doesn't really resent our kids, but I made him face some painful feelings he has in regard to SD which is never fun to do. It's like she is a debt he is trying to get out from under. 

As time goes on he regrets his decisions he made while with BM more and more. He knows it led to his current life but if he could go back there is a lot he would have done differently. A few people have asked about splitting his GI bill between the 3 kids and he gets very word about it because he signed the whole thing over to SD as part of the divorce and he regrets it. It sucks that we have to save for our DDs college but the GI bill means that he won't have to fork over college costs for SD out of pocket, so he really does get to wipe his hands of support at 18.

I have to remind him pretty frequently that regrets aren't useful to dwell on, he should just plan and work on making the best possible present and future. 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

But North Korea used to receive $1000 a month plus half of everything.  She'd want a $1000 prom dress and got it.  Her nails were always done professionally and she'd always get spray tanned.  She was raised very, very entitled and well now she's a stripper and a high class prostitute because she wants the bougie lifestyle.  Her words not mine.  Basically my SD is ruined.  I don't think she'll live very long.  She's a type 1 diabetic in a heavy drug and drinking and exploitation environment and she just cares about fast money and material things.  She wasn't ever taught to value family and relationships.  She values quick easy money and tawdry materialistic things.  

CLove's picture

Someone once described it as like when you buy a car and are set up with monthly payments a well as the warrantee program, then right away once you sign those papers and drive it off the lot, the car is crashed into and totalled and yet you still have to keep paying on that loan, as well as warantee.

Much less painful than that drug habit analogy!!!!

Money pit comments - I get how that would make you feel less-than and your children less-than.

But these family issues are so complex.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Gotta give credit to Gimlet, too, for her insight on your last blog.

I don't think most of the fathers that we have on this board are awful. I think they don't have healthy mindsets, and where they fumble is in not getting the help they need to be better. I try to think about their reactions from their side, and when I do that, it becomes easier to see that they are struggling with their own emotions on a topic.

I think you handled this really well, OP. You found out that your DH feels like many parents do about your mutual kids (the boat analogy is great) while also getting a glimpse into how he views fatherhood with SD differently. Now you don't have to feel as defensive of your kids and your DH can feel safer disclosing some of these feelings with you because he knows you'll listen. It's a win-win.