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Why re- marriage is so hard

Thisisnotus's picture

I've said it before that the main issue in my opinion with second marriages with kids involved is having another woman who gets to tell or even ask your husband what to do. 

Even if there is no real drama...."normal" marriages don't involve another woman or another man in the picture.

so BM decided to "bill" DH for all medical expenses she incurred over the year....he owes half. So he sends her $700. No receipts just a list of amounts divided by 2. Okay whatever.....annoying that she waits all year. Then the next day he sends his 1k in CS. Obviously fine.

but here is the kicker....skids are on a month to month cell plan. SD shows up yesterday and says "mom said you have to pay my cell phone bill this month" I'm like WTF. DH snaps back at her something like "oh really, I don't think I get to be told what to do". So he goes in SDs room and comes out 10 minutes later and says nothing to me. I check the bank account this morning and sure enough he paid it.

in my opinion he should have just said "yes boss" because what is the point of snapping back if you are just going to pay it anyway.

he has paid his fair share this month and sent already $1700 just this week to BM but I guess that's not enough.

Aunt Agatha's picture

No receipts?  No $.  Or give him access to the online billing so he can view a copy.  

But you know that already.  

Im sorry as stuff like this is sooo frustrating. Plus, it just encourages more asking from the BM.

Thisisnotus's picture

I mean I know it's legit as BM lives at the dr with skids.... I think she is a moron for waiting all year. 

also last night BM told SD that DH has paid for NOTHING in 2 years. Skids don't know about the 1k CS so I think it's time DH tells them...they are 17 and 12. 


Gimlet's picture

I normally would say that CS is between the parents but not when BM is lying like that.  DH had to have that conversation too because BM was telling the skids that he wasn't providing for them when he not only paid CS, but also gave her more than her fair share of assets and paid for all the extras.

Your DH is doing the kids no favors by not correcting this.  They are old enough to hear it. 

Thisisnotus's picture

Yes I totally agree. He won't I'm sure but he should.

i did tell him today that the days of BM giving orders are over. It's been a long time before this that she has "ordered" him to do something.

it just bothers me because he first told SD NO when she proclaimed the demand from BM....then later that night when he went to her room he still said NO at first then it ended in him paying. He can't ever just stick to NO...ever. I mean he says NO a lot but it always ends in a YES.

BM has told SD that if he didn't pay then she'd be without cell phone service until he paid. So of course he paid. 

BethAnne's picture

I've told my sd that her dad gives her mom money to help look after her since she was very young. Never mentioned amounts, but I see no need to hide something that is a normal, regular practice when parents don't live together. If it is mentioned in a way that is factual and not in a way that is trying to denigrate the other parent or said with an air of resentment then I see no problem with it. 

I've read of some bio-parents on here sitting thier kids down at an age where they think it is appropriate (17 is appropriate, 12 probably depends on the child) with a copy of the child suport order or bank statements/pay slips showing the money going to child support payments every month when BMs have lied and said they have not been recieving child support. Again, treating it as a factual exercise is key. 

AlmostGone83's picture

He was putting on a show for you. When they went into her room, he probably whispered "Don't worry, Daddy didn't mean it. How much $ do you need?"

marblefawn's picture

Yea, I imagine that sort of scene you described ("Dad, mom says you have to pay my cell phone this month.") is exactly how my SD came to rule the world.

Be careful. I know you think the ex is your biggest problem, but experts agree, it's the skids that most often wreck 2nd marriages. When the kid is old enough, she will take over where the ex left off. You're in for a life sentence. Maybe we can share a cell.

Thisisnotus's picture

I actually don't think the ex is my biggest problem. My DH is by far my biggest problem because he has no back bone and just rolls over for Skids......if DH wasn't such a guilty daddy then we would have very few issues...he is the one who allows BM to but in and skids to rule him.....

SD12 will definitely be the one to take over when she is old enough. I'm already sort of phasing her out..and she never sleeps here so I hope that lasts forever our shared child will be 8 when SD12 is 18 and there will be no room in my life for mini BM.....

I may take you up on the cell haha I don't know that I will last much longer lol 

theoldredhen's picture

You know, Hon, time flies and the next 4 years will zip by faster than you think. The happiness that DH and I have shared, since the skids launched, more than makes up for the (music from 'The Twilight Zone' plays in the background) stephell years! 

Yup, these annoying days make you want to smack the DH and his spawn with a brick-filled sock and you probably think I'm an insufferable old Pollyanna, yes? When you get to be my age, 4 or 5 years is a flutter in one's life. Have a glass of wine; I've just passed you a virtual 750 mg Chardonnay....  


hereiam's picture

Why re- marriage is so hard

It comes with a lot of baggage.

I mean, I have my own emotional baggage that my DH deals with (and vice versa) but having to deal with physical baggage, like the ex and the kids, is different. Intrusive.

DH had good boundaries but BM still managed to be a pain in the ass and cause some stress.

Now that SD is 28, he has NO contact with BM and minimal contact with SD, since she has become a mini-BM of sorts.

Thisisnotus's picture

Oh I definitely have my share of baggage with my 3 kids and the guilt I have from my divorce and what not. My ex causes a lot of heartache for my kids and me by trying to get them to hate my DH deals with my emotions but never once has my ex demanded I do something and then I do it. That is very intrusive.

Thankfullky DH and BM has next to no contact...all the orders come from BM thru SD. BM somehow realized that she last her power when we had a child of our own 2 years ago and basically went silent.

BMs biggest goal is to cause DH financial hardship and manipulate the skids to only live with her and then telling the kids that their dad has "changed" and he is a loser who doesn't pay for anything.  

so BM was mad at SD17 this week because she spent 3 nights at our house and her price to pay was no cell phone payment from her. Lol 


I actually really liked my skids for about the first 2 years and now I feel sick when they are legit physically sick and I thank my lucky stars that BM manipulated SD12 to never ever sleep here. On one hand it's sad because I have watched my DH stop caring much about SD12..... but it's really not my problem and he should have demanded she spend the night on her designated nights instead of letting it go on for the last 2.5 years.

ndc's picture

I agree with you that it is problematic having another woman involved. We don't have financial issues (at least for now) and DH and BM are pretty cooperative (at least for now), but I hate not being able to plan a longer vacation or stay an extra couple days if we're away without checking with BM and waiting for her to decide.  Same with holidays.  It's not always convenient to follow the CO exactly (and theirs didn't deal with many things), and while things usually work out OK, the not knowing and having BM involved sometimes grates on me.

I cannot even imagine having a HCBM - I think I'd be long gone if BM here was that way. Frankly, DH wouldn't be worth what I see a lot of you going through.

CLove's picture

SD13 - almost 14 this month! We have a lot of different discussions, and one she initiated was the divorce rate being high.

To give her some perspective, I mentioned that "yes it is very high here in the US. And can you imagine...this is happening to FIRST marriages, when they are without any added stressors such as prior relationships, kids from prior relationships, and bio parents to deal with. These are fresh and shiny and new FIRST marriages that are failing. "

And thats when I add that 75% of 2nd and 3rd marriages fail. Because of added stressors such as prior relationships and kids from prior relationships...

Yes, its hard to succeed when you have someone with Toxic baggage that affects your life significantly.


BethAnne's picture

My sd started her period a few months ago according to BM...who then asked for $45 for supplies. I told my husband that $45 was way more than was needed. He paid it anyway. Thankfully there hasn't been a similar request since, $45 a month would be crazy for a few pads. 

It is always weird though...a few days before the $45 for period supplies request BM requested $45 to get extra things now that SD was at home all day and not going to school....that request was ignored...very coincidental that she needed $45 for pads a few days later....mmmmm

My husband has gotten better at mostly ignoring BM's requests for money and we can afford what he does send as extras. Back in the day one of the big ones was that he paid for BM to take a trip away to a water park hotel with with SD. What BM didn't tell my husband was that her boyfriend was going with them too and sadly SD (4 or 5 at the time??) woke in the night to see them having sex - so he was pissssed after that.

It still took him a few years to get to where he is now on the money front though. I'm sure I have forgotten half of the crazy things she requested money for and the times that he was idiotic enough to fall for it. I have come to a place of acceptance of the small sums of money that don't really affect us, it is easier than getting annoyed everytime he falls for her requests for money. 

susanm's picture

$45 for menstrual supplies???  I know that they now have wings, dots, multi-size packs, and cute applicator colors but I was unaware that they came with a consultant to give you a seminar on how to use them!  

StepUltimate's picture

She probably almost tapped out, prefers to play the Single BM card & have her ex hook up the $$.

Rags's picture

For me... marriage was sheer fully adulterous (my XW) hell.  Re-marriage has been an absolute blessing and a dream of indiscribable adventure and love.

Cheezy? No doubt.  But absolutely true.

I have no BKs so we only had to blend me into the life that my then 18yo GF and her 15mo toddler had already started.  The three of us fit and 26+ years later we still do.  My incredible bride and I will celebrate our 26th anniversary in a couple of months.  SS-27 asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen.