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When grandparents want to be with child, whose time should it be on?

starfish1012's picture

Submitted by starfish1012 on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:10am

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General Discussion

BM doesn't have a good relationship with her mother, but they do see and speak with each other.

Her mother frequently asks me, specifically, and sometimes DH, if she can pick up SS during our time with him (which is the majority).

BM has every other weekend and one afternoon/overnight in the middle of every week.

I understand BM doesn't bring SS around her mom much, and that's too bad--really, but shouldn't she be responsible for her son seeing his maternal grandmother?

I just don't see why, then, we should have to sacrifice more of our time with the little guy because BM and her mother don't communicate well.

Am I off-base here?

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:15am

When it comes to grandparents I am of the mindset that they should get to see grandkids no matter who the relation is through. Grandparents aren't going to be around forever and I think that if you have the majority of the time with him, give up one night a month to grandma for bonding. It's an important relationship (as long as she is not one of the toxic G-BM's that we sometimes hear about).

MamaFox's picture

Submitted by MamaFox on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:16am

I dont think you are off base here. Anytime spent with the Grandparents should be on BM or BD's time. I wouldn't expect our BM to take the kids to Ohio to see FDH's parents.

That and my FMIL might skin her alive....

Calypso1977's picture

Submitted by Calypso1977 on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:18am

our BM never wanted SD around my fiance's parents even when they were together! i could never imagine her taking SD to see them now. and they are wonderful people!!!

if both mom and dad are alive, then maternal grandparent visits should be done with the mother and paternal grandparent visits should be done with the father.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:31am

^^^THIS

christinen's picture

Submitted by christinen on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 1:49pm

I-m so happy I agree with this. My SD is 6 and her and BM frequently gets into fights with her mother where they won't speak for a while (BM is bipolar). Gmom will then call DH and see if she can spend time with SD (we have SD full time). DH normally says yes. I think as long as the Gmom is a good influence on skid and you have no worries about them being together, it's a good thing. It also gives DH and I some rare and much-needed alone time!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:25am

Baring other considers IMHO GP time comes out of the time that the kid spends with the parent related to those GPs. Pretty simple.

If there is a respectful and ongoing relationship between a BP and their XILs then I also see nothing wrong with facilitating a kid/GP relationship regardless of whose time it is with the kid.

It really depends on the XIL relationships.

In our case we would never have given one second of our time with SS to his Sperm GrandParents. That came out of the Sperm Idiot's time. Not that he spent much time with the kid anyway. 99% of SpermDonial visitation time the Skid spent with SPerm Grandma and Sperm Grandpa anyway. On average he saw the Sperm Idiot 1 or two days out of a 5wk summer visitation and maybe one day each out of the 1week winter and 1week spring visitations.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 9:53am

Depends on the grandparent. If they are a good grandparent, give up a little of your time, if BM gives up some of hers. That is a precious relationship for a child and should be encouraged. Again, this is only if this is not a toxic grandma. My MIL is toxic and needs to have distance, but my mom, really treasures her grandchildren and my son has lunch with her when he is home from school and she visits him at college.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 10:32am

I think it depends on the grandparents and situation. DH & I allowed BM's parents time with SD but they were here and not crazy and she was 800 miles away. DH did make clear that these visits were at his discretion.

onthefence2's picture

Submitted by onthefence2 on Wed, 09/03/2014 - 1:24pm

Apparently you have no problem with the grandparent, only that she wants "your" time and not bms. I always see it as the kid's time, not the parents' time. If the kid will benefit from visiting, who cares? Dad has him most of the time, so likely most of the requests or all will happen to come on "dad's time."

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Thu, 09/04/2014 - 6:22am

Well, really - it's DAD's time. If he has no problem with kiddo spending time with them...