What's it really like when you marry him?
I am fortunate to have this site to ask questions from those who deal with the SM crap with me. My BF has an overbearing hypocritical ex who gets everything she wants because she has convinced him that if he doesn't do what she wants, he doesn't love his kid. Everything is for her and it is so obvious, but in BF's mind, it is "for the child." She is a master manipulator. The kid is 11, spoiled rotten, has both parents and grandparents waiting in line to buy him the latest and greatest and be favorite. Currently, I am the girlfriend. I feel like I always come second to the kid and second the the ex. I love BF and we are discussing marriage. In my mind, in my happy possibly delusional mind, if I am the wife rather than the girlfriend, maybe the ex wife won't have all the control anymore. And if BF and I have children, maybe I will gain the respect he now has for ex wife...because she is the mother of his child. I won't be sloppy seconds anymore. I will be a wife, and mother of his children, and current rather than ex, ..........BUT, I am not so new to this site, and it seems from my reading like this is faulty logic. For those of you who have been there, does becoming wife and mother to his kids make life any better? What I am reading makes me think it is the same old crap, just married with kids so even more stuck. To think that I could marry this man and have children with him only to realize that I am still sloppy seconds to the ex and worse yet, that my children will feel their father loves his first child more, that just makes me sad for me and sad for my potential kids.
IMHO marriage only amplifies
IMHO marriage only amplifies ANY relationship problems. That being said, some BDs need more space and distance from BM to understand what they're doing. I know mine did. I just made sure we handled that stuff B4 we got married. Learned that lesson the hard way with my 1st marriage.
For me personally, my head
For me personally, my head was screaming "RUN" before I ever married dh. I listened to my heart obviously & I cannot count the number of times my heart has been broken by both dh and sk's. But it wasn't until AFTER we were married that I heard the infamous words that still ring in my head even now... "I will NOT alienate my kids just because you moved in here with your kids!" Rules that were important to me, dh did not find important so either he would revoke a punishment that I had set out or he would talk to the kids when they were alone and tell them that he did NOT agree with me. SD20 told me a month ago that the only mothering I ever did for her was to take her to the doctor and get her in trouble every chance I got and that I brainwashed her dad. DH and I fought nearly every single day for the first 7 years of our marriage and we separated. We started doing counseling and that helped some, but not enough because after 6 months of living together again, we were back to the same ole same ole and we split up again 2 years later. It was my own stupidity that went back the 2nd time but he didn't move back in until sd20 was old enough to live on her own and graduated from high school. The problems are less than they were, but they are still there.
Oh, and us having dd10 together made no difference at all. I've been the one to take care of and raise her 99.9% of the time. DH isn't near as close to her as he is to sk's.
If you are telling yourself in your head that this is not going to work, LISTEN to yourself. I wish I would have.
Well, I did have a brief
Well, I did have a brief period of time that I had a regular family when my ds17 was born. His dad and I were high school sweethearts, married young... our divorce was final 1 week before our 3 year anniversary. So I at least did get to enjoy that time with my ds... and with my dd13 her dad was an over the road truck driver and only home eowe so it was basically just me and my kids until ds was 6 and dd was 2. Those were the BEST times of my life. When our dd together was born, sk's were around for the first 9 months, but then they went to live with their mom so I did get from 9 months until almost 3 years without the drama with her. So I was able to enjoy a little bit of sk free time with each of my own babies. But honestly, the best time of my life was when I had my kids alone... just me and them. Even when my dh and I seperated the 2 times we did. The financial aspect was really hard, but I loved every moment with my kids and not having to listen to dh gripe and complain about a bunch of stupid BS constantly.
I miss it. I miss it a lot.
It got worse for us. The
It got worse for us. The adult SD brats were furious they'd finally lost control of daddy and dug their heels in deeper at their resentment towards me. Same with the SILs/BILs --- those idiots have been digging up what they think is "dirt" for the last year on me. Good luck stupids. At least, now with both SD's refusing contact with dear daddy, our relationship has had a huge benefit of repairing itself, and DH has come to realize by being so damn passive and making it quite clear to me on several occasions, his girls came first, he's really screwed things up. It's only by this break in the BF and BD relationship, that has really saved ours. I wouldn't have given us a year of being married before I was ready to walk. I was under the dillusionment that if we got a house together and got married, everyone would come around. It pretty much just blew up in our faces. SD still treated me as an "intruder" in MY HOUSE (she firmly believed it was HER household....even though I was the sole one in our (DH) relationship that had the means ($$$) to put down the FULL DOWN PAYMENT.
The minute those brats try to re-engage w/ dear daddy, I swear, if he goes running after them like a whimpy little girl again with his tongue hanging out begging for "love", I've already told him seriously, I may not stick around. I didn't get divorced and leave one miserable situation to dive right back into another. I'm marketable. I can find someone else.