What if I'm not cut out for it?
Background: Married for 3 years. Husband is 42 and I'm 30. He has 3 kids (boy 15, girl 17, girl 23), I have 1 (boy 12, husband adopted him), we have a baby.
Since about the time we got married this kids refuse to see him and have been horrible to him and me. The weekend before our wedding there was an incident where his daughter physically hurt me and the police was called. Very traumatic because I had never been treated like that up until that point. A few months after that they completely stopped coming over and things had to be scheduled at their convenience for everything that the family did/does. I guess it was nice not to have to deal with them in our house every other weekend and it was their choice.
Current situation: For a couple of months they have been replying to my husbands texts (on and off) and he says that we need to try to mend the relationship. He wants to start off by taking taking them out for a weekend and even talked about taking them somewhere for a week. I feel like a horrible person for not being ok with it. I suggested we start small like having them over for dinner and a board game, but he got mad and didn't like that Idea. I feel like that is where I am even if it is wrong of me. I know that if I start this process in a place that I'm not comfortable I will build resentment towards him.I don't know how to move forward if I have to start in an uncomfortable position. I know that our 12 year old would also feel left out because he's a 12 year old being told he can't be part of this thing. I don't know how to go about this. I really feel like I am just not cut out for it. I really don't like his children, especially his daughter. She is the meanest. I get along fine with his oldest daughter who has a different mother. He has no problem taking our son fishing and other activities with her. It's just the other 2 that he feels all the guilt for. I feel like giving up.
My guess is that their mother
My guess is that their mother turned them against you two. I'd tell him to go ahead and see them on his own, outside the home, and try to repair the relationship without your involvement. Explain to your son that's the reason why they are doing stuff alone with their dad. If things go well with them and they have changed dramatically, maybe you get involved then. Protect your two kids from them until you know that's the case.
Yes
Yes, their mom is the scariest person I have ever met. She can flip the switch so fast. She still sends us a Christmas card every year and the occasional email.
If I was you and my husband
If I was you and my husband wanted to go off and do something with his bio children and leave out the rest of his family- which are all legally tied to him at minimum- I would let him go.
HOWEVER- I would book a trip as well with my kids. We will do something equally fun without them. They go to Disney World, We go to Disney Land. I would even pay for my 12 yr old to take his best friend!
He can use the time to repair his relationship with "the first kids" and you can use the time to bond with your kids.
PS- Something tells me when you tell him these plans things will change on his end.
Ha
True, I wish I could. Financially we can't :(.
I would take the hit with
I would take the hit with debt over this point but I am spiteful as hell.... so there's that LOL
"DH, I'm fine with you going
"DH, I'm fine with you going out with your kids, but we need to make sure we have enough resources for our two kids to have fun, too. So let's set a budget of how much we'll each spend on these weekends for each set of kids."
I'd also set a schedule with your DH:
"DH, we need to make sure that none of the relationships in this are hurt. Two weekends a month need to be spent with us here doing family activities. We also need to make sure we budget for those weekends, too."
If he'll set a schedule of when he'll be where, and stick to a budget so that everyone gets "Dad Time", then this might work. If he balks at setting a schedule or spends all your money, then it's likely time to separate - whether that be physically or just you disengaging mentally from your marriage.
That is a great way to word
That is a great way to word it and plan for it all. Hopefully if the OP approached it like this her H would see what the big picture is, not just the knee-jerk reaction of "I need to get back in my kids good graces".
Using this
I'm going to use this. He's not an asshole, but gets super defensive when it comes to anything about his kids.
The SD physically hurt you ?
What was the out come of that ? Did she say she was sorry or anything? LOL. Did she make any effort to mend fences?
Is your money in your own accounts. I get he wants a relationship with his kids. But he must protect you and respect you. You giving in to fast show no respect. No going away for the weekend as a gift for disrespecting you.
Nope
Nope, I had a bruise the size of a dollar bill on my arm. Cops were called and she said I made the whole thing up. My husband was so angry we actually pressed charges, but they were dismissed and she called me after court to say "nothing happened" and hung up. I could hear her and her mother laughing in the back. She never apologized. She stopped talking to my inlaws for like a year because my father in law told her he was disappointed by her actions. It was a big deal. Never apologized, no consequence and now she is coming back around. The boy also told his mom I held him down and shaved his head after I took him and my son to the barbershop to get haircuts. It's been a roller coaster ride. I was relieved when they wanted to stop coming around. Now that they are starting to talk to my husband he won't say anything negative to them because he's afraid they will stop talking to him again. He does not have any authority over them. It's frustrating. He wants to take her out of town for her graduation coming up and I know it's petty, but I don't want to spend my money on that since so much of his $ goes to child support.
TIme to reset your DH with
Time to reset your DH with the absolute truth and facts each time he has any interface with them.
"Why are you having anything to do with the person who assaulted your wife?"
Lather...... Rinse....... Repeat.
He chooses to interface with them at his own peril and lives a phase of abject misery due to his choice to engage with the violent POS morons who injured his wife.
No quarter.
As for your joint 12yo. Does he know his sister assaulted and injured his mom? If not... he should. He needs to be asking daddy why he is less important than the violent POS his dad is spending time with and speaking with.
Facts, use them. Kids need them. They are the best way to keep a toxic POS in their place and provide everyone in the picture with the the information they need to protect themselves from toxicity.
IMHO of course.
"I dont' want to spend my
"I dont' want to spend my money on that since so much of his $ goes to child support"
Man did I feel that!
If you can help it.. don't allow it.
My DH has his blinders on
My DH has his blinders on when it comes to his daughter. His dream is that one day she can meet our DD3 and we'll all live happily ever after. Barf. I told him no way in hell is DD getting exposed to SD. He hit back with the usual "you always hate my daughter, they're both my daughters, I can bring DD to meet SD if I want to". I pulled him back in line real quick. SD is an adult and DD is a toddler. I will not expose my child to someone who's mother called my baby plain disgusting for just existing and someone who ghosts her dad whenever money isn't flowing. It'll damage my daughter to get emotionally invested in that scheming sack of pus only to be rejected when her daddy issues crop up again.
Pitch it to your DH as the proof test. If he can't prove that he can stand firm to his kids and get to a point where they won't blow up with him alone, he has no business inviting anyone else to join in on the dysfunction. You're not saying you'll never meet up with the skids, you're just waiting for your set of requirements to be met first. Not to be verbally or physically abused - such an unreasonable request hey...
It's scary
I wouldn't feel comfortable with them being around my kids either without me there. But how long does this go on for?
It goes on until you put your
It goes on until you put your foot down and make it stop.