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What to do???

Newtothisparenting's picture

Hopefully this can be my venting place. 

Im 29, father of two boys. My oldest is 5 and my youngest is 1 going on 2. My 5 year old is from a past relationship and my 1 year old is from my current relationship.  My current partner has a 4 yr old daughter from a previous relationship that I know from when she was a year old. 

We all loved each other in the first year of getting together. She loved my son and enjoyed his company and always looked forward to seeing him. I enjoyed being around her daughter as well. 

As of two years ago, she started disliking my son and one day lashed out at me and told me she hated him with a fiery passion. I get to see my boy every other Sunday due to his moms work and my work so we both agreed that we would do our best to get equal time with him. So he’s over for the whole day and I do my best to do as much as possible with him in that amount of time. 

There will be days that my partner will be okay with him but then change her mind on how she feels about him. I’ve done everything I can to get her to accept his presence but no luck. I’m torn because I have my loving 5 yr old that doesn’t know the person that he loves very much and looks up to, hates him. Then I look at my 1yr old son and I don’t want the relationship to be split because I’ve seen how hard it is on my oldest to accept that his mom and dad aren’t together. 

She also doesn’t accept the fact that they are both brothers. My oldest is super obedient compared to a lot of 5 year olds and will always use his manners no matter who it is. His heart is pure and he just wants to shine but can not when he comes to my home. It’s like he has to watch what he’s says or does every time she’s around. I’m not sure what I should do when I love my partner but I don’t know how long i will keep this going. 

 

Please suggest anything or ask anything. 

Thank you. 

ndc's picture

Has she told you WHY she hates your son with a fiery passion? It seems strange that she would intensely dislike a small child who, as you say, is super obedient and pure, without some reason.  Do you favor this child over the others?  Does the child's mother cause problems for her? Might he not be as well behaved as you think?  If you know the reason, the two of you might be able to address the issue.  If there's no reason she can pinpoint, or you can't address the reason on your own, I'd suggest counseling, failing which I don't see how you continue to put your child into this situation.

fairyo's picture

Interesting to have a perspective from the other side- at least you are not burying your head in the sand and pretending everything is great. Or are you? The boys are what we call half-brothers in Fairyland- they have separate mothers and that is what the issues are often. I would say look more closely at how your son interacts with all the family, and try to see his faults too as he will have them and parents sometimes find that hard to accept. Also note the influence of BM- does she put pressure on your DW to behave in a certain way? 

You say that she loved her SS and enjoyed his company at first? Then I'm sorry but something must have happened to have changed this dynamic- it may have had very little to do with him, but possibly to do with BM or yourself? A lot of steparents blame the skids then come to realise it was the daddy to blame.

Your son is very young and vulnerable, but stop seeing him as pure and shiny- most kids just want to grow up in  a secure environment where they can be themselves. Don't sanctify him.

I also think some family counselling might be a good idea- don't allow these resentments to fester. I hope it works out for you all.

still learning's picture

I've worked in schools and know that even the most obedient 5 yr old has their moments. Kids this age are generally half wild thing and half angel, they need structure and consistency.  The minute the adult is off schedule or the guard is down the kids go wild.  Parents who think their kids could do no wrong usually had the naughtiest ones.  There may be things that your wife has to deal with and she sees that you don't.  Please consider family counseling to help work this out and get to the bottom of what is really going on.  

That being said, trust your gut and protect your son. People snap and do awful things, all you have to do is turn on the news to see how truly awful people can be. 

 

lorlors's picture

.....for a stepmother to not like her stepchild/children. I personally wouldn't be too concerned unless your wife represents an actual danger to your son. It sounds to me like she might just be venting to you. I resent and actively dislike my stepkids most of the time to be honest but in reality I am kind to them. They live with us full time and it's hard, very hard for me. Maybe ask your wife why she finds him so annoying? Here are a few things that annoy the hell out of me about my stepchildren:

1. The complete and utter selfishness and disregard for anyone else but themselves.

2. We had friends over for a firepit the other night, SS17 bowls outside and says 'I want my dinner'. Our friends LEAVE because they thought they were holding us up. They weren't. SS17 is just BEYOND RUDE.

3. Lack of personal hygeine.

4. Sounds petty but opening a FOURTH jar of peanut butter when there were already 3 open. Again just goes to the heart of their laziness and selfishness.

5. Listening in on adult conversations all the time.

6. Reporting back every little detail to BM..... 

The list goes on. The point I am trying to make is it is a thankless task to be a stepmother and maybe your wife is tired of the constant BS?

That said, given your wife only sees him for a few hours a month, that does seem extreme unless the boy is unbelievably irritating and challenging for her to be around or all that comes with being a stepmother, BM's nonsense etc is wearing her out.