We've hit a plateau in our relationship.
I'm wondeirng if anyone has any insight to my situation. I have been with my SO (we are not married nor do we live together) for four years. He has two children under the age of 9 from his previous marriage. I have no children of my own. I love and care about him very much. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs. This summer was definitely a turning point for us. Our relationship reached it's fork in the road.
What I mean by this is he has been pressuring me to sell my home and move in with him from the beginning of our relationship. I was reluctant to do so for the following reasons. I own my own home which is close vacinity to my workplace. His home is a lot further away. I own my home outright and it is paid for. He has a monthly mortgage that is over 2000 a month. His house is not only far from my work but a lot bigger than I would like even for a family of 4. It has 5 bedroom and 4 bathrooms with a finished basement. His kids bedrooms are like master bedrooms. Too big for me. His monthly mortgage payment is also too expensive for my comfort level and this always made me very nervous. He also has a lot of credit card debt (20k) and is leasing his car which he will have to downgrade soon because he cannot afford the payments on it. He said if I would just sell my home and move in it would solve all of his money issues and I would be contributing to half of the mortgage and could put the money I made from selling my house into his house. I was not too keen on this idea since he never contributed to paying off my house and I do not think I should be spliting a mortgage 50/50 since that house is bigger than I would ideally want, I am not bringing any children into the marriage and it is a lot further from my workplace. I suggested we look for homes together however he was not interested since he likes where his home is located because of the school district which I understand. It is also within close proximity to bio mom and his mother. Which leads to another issue.
Firstly his mother is overly involved in his life and he is quite happy with this. He sees and talks to his mother multiple times a day. She comes over to his house, brings him groceries and stays for dinner so she can spend time with him and her grandkids which I understand but it just seems he does not have room for a woman in his life if you know what I mean. She also calls him multiple times a day for no good reason, just to chat. It gets old. Whenever he has problems he calls her instead of me. Whenever we have problems he talks to her behind my back. His mother is also very fake and even though she is nice ot my face she badmouths me behind my back and makes passive agressive comments. I brought this up and he got very defensive and suggested I was jealous of his mother and said I don't have a good relationship with my mother so I don't understand. For the record I do have a good relationship with my mother. However I am an adult and have my own life and so does my mom. She lives out of state, has her own career and interests and is remarried. We talk weekly and see each other on holidays, love each other and would be there for one another if anything happened but we also have our own lives. Anyways his whole family is emeshed and none of his siblings have moved away nor married. His adult sister is still living at home and she is nearly 40.
Another issues is his ex is overly involved in his life. The ex wife (bio) mom has her kids on the weekends (sometimes). However her comings and goings to and from his house have become 30-40 minute hang out sessions that I am not a part of. She is also late picking her kids up and dropping them off frequently. But he doesn't make a big deal about it since they have a good coparenting relationship. I understand this however I also find it annoyng that she doesn't have good boundaires and doesnt do her fair share of taking her kids and raising them. I have discussed it with him. Again I am accused of being jealous and controlling by him.
Another issue is we rarely see each other unless I drive out to his place on my time off. Occasionally he will drive out to my place if bio mom decides to take her kids for a couple hours on the weekend. This summer his kids had a lot of activites (baseball, ballet, school functions and recitals, etc). He says I should just get involved but it never seems like he really wants me at these things and tends to ignore me when I am there. He does not go out of his way to invite me to them either. This summer was a turning point because we rarely saw on another between his kids activities, his work, my work, and his mom's neediness. He also is running out of money and has to refinance his house again and I felt the added pressure to move in.
One other thing is his kids can be very disrespectful. I know kids normally push buttoms but most of the time it is never addressed. Sometimes they act downright rude and entitled and he sees little wrong with it. If his mother is there she will say I am over reacting so I feel like the odd one out between him, his mother and his kids. I feel very isolated in this and have to tolerate his kids disrespect. Some of the things his kids say and do are just downright rude and snooty and it has caused me to not be as fond of them as I once was when we met. I feel it is getting worse with time. I could not imagine living in a home, commuting an hour back and forth from work everyday, contributing a lot of my money to a pricey mortgage and bills only to be treated like second class in my own home by kids who are not my own. On top of that an ex coming and going as she please and an overbearing MIL.
We hit a plateau in our relationship this summer as we barely saw one another and decided to seperate. I also got blamed for a lot of problems he was having financially which had nothing to do with me (I always pay for myself when we go on dates, go out to eat, go on vacation, etc.) He also blamed me for not being nice to his kids because I completely disengaged when they were rude to me. I quit doing what I was doing before which was ignoring it and playing along. I was sick of playing nice to kids who were rude to me. He told me I was not cut out to be a mother to his kids full time (I find this to be a compliment, is that weird?). He also called me weird for wanting to do things alone by myself that I had not done in years because of our relationship (I did some solo travelling and went to dine in restaurants myself that him and his kids refused to go to even though they were invited).
Anyways does anyone have any suggesitons or feedback as to how to move forward?