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We've hit a plateau in our relationship.

feliciastory's picture

    I'm wondeirng if anyone has any insight to my situation. I have been with my SO (we are not married nor do we live together) for four years. He has two children under the age of 9 from his previous marriage. I have no children of my own. I love and care about him very much. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs. This summer was definitely a turning point for us. Our relationship reached it's fork in the road.

  What I mean by this is he has been pressuring me to sell my home and move in with him from the beginning of our relationship. I was reluctant to do so for the following reasons. I own my own home which is close vacinity to my workplace. His home is a lot further away. I own my home outright and it is paid for. He has a monthly mortgage that is over 2000 a month. His house is not only far from my work but a lot bigger than I would like even for a family of 4. It has 5 bedroom and 4 bathrooms with a finished basement. His kids bedrooms are like master bedrooms. Too big for me. His monthly mortgage payment is also too expensive for my comfort level and this always made me very nervous. He also has a lot of credit card debt (20k) and is leasing his car which he will have to downgrade soon because he cannot afford the payments on it. He said if I would just sell my home and move in it would solve all of his money issues and I would be contributing to half of the mortgage and could put the money I made from selling my house into his house. I was not too keen on this idea since he never contributed to paying off my house and I do not think I should be spliting a mortgage 50/50 since that house is bigger than I would ideally want, I am not bringing any children into the marriage and it is a lot further from my workplace. I suggested we look for homes together however he was not interested since he likes where his home is located because of the school district which I understand. It is also within close proximity to bio mom and his mother. Which leads to another issue.

  Firstly his mother is overly involved in his life and he is quite happy with this. He sees and talks to his mother multiple times a day. She comes over to his house, brings him groceries and stays for dinner so she can spend time with him and her grandkids which I understand but it just seems he does not have room for a woman in his life if you know what I mean.  She also calls him multiple times a day for no good reason, just to chat. It gets old. Whenever he has problems he calls her instead of me. Whenever we have problems he talks to her behind my back. His mother is also very fake and even though she is nice ot my face she badmouths me behind my back and makes passive agressive comments. I brought this up and he got very defensive and suggested I was jealous of his mother and said I don't have a good relationship with my mother so I don't understand. For the record I do have a good relationship with my mother. However I am an adult and have my own life and so does my mom. She lives out of state, has her own career and interests and is remarried. We talk weekly and see each other on holidays, love each other and would be there for one another if anything happened but we also have our own lives. Anyways his whole family is emeshed and none of his siblings have moved away nor married. His adult sister is still living at home and she is nearly 40. 

  Another issues is his ex is overly involved in his life. The ex wife (bio) mom has her kids on the weekends (sometimes). However her comings and goings to and from his house have become 30-40 minute hang out sessions that I am not a part of. She is also late picking her kids up and dropping them off frequently. But he doesn't make a big deal about it since they have a good coparenting relationship. I understand this however I also find it annoyng that she doesn't have good boundaires and doesnt do her fair share of taking her kids and raising them. I have discussed it with him. Again I am accused of being jealous and controlling by him.

   Another issue is we rarely see each other unless I drive out to his place on my time off. Occasionally he will drive out to my place if bio mom decides to take her kids for a couple hours on the weekend. This summer his kids had a lot of activites (baseball, ballet, school functions and recitals, etc). He says I should just get involved but it never seems like he really wants me at these things and tends to ignore me when I am there. He does not go out of his way to invite me to them either. This summer was a turning point because we rarely saw on another between his kids activities, his work, my work, and his mom's neediness. He also is running out of money and has to refinance his house again and I felt the added pressure to move in. 

 One other thing is his kids can be very disrespectful. I know kids normally push buttoms but most of the time it is never addressed. Sometimes they act downright rude and entitled and he sees little wrong with it. If his mother is there she will say I am over reacting so I feel like the odd one out between him, his mother and his kids. I feel very isolated in this and have to tolerate his kids disrespect. Some of the things his kids say and do are just downright rude and snooty and it has caused me to not be as fond of them as I once was when we met. I feel it is getting worse with time. I could not imagine living in a home, commuting an hour back and forth from work everyday, contributing a lot of my money to a pricey mortgage and bills only to be treated like second class in my own home by kids who are not my own. On top of that an ex coming and going as she please and an overbearing MIL. 

We hit a plateau in our relationship this summer as we barely saw one another and decided to seperate. I also got blamed for a lot of problems he was having financially which had nothing to do with me (I always pay for myself when we go on dates, go out to eat, go on vacation, etc.) He also blamed me for not being nice to his kids because I completely disengaged when they were rude to me. I quit doing what I was doing before which was ignoring it and playing along. I was sick of playing nice to kids who were rude to me. He told me I was not cut out to be a mother to his kids full time (I find this to be a compliment, is that weird?). He also called me weird for wanting to do things alone by myself that I had not done in years because of our relationship (I did some solo travelling and went to dine in restaurants myself that him and his kids refused to go to even though they were invited). 

 

Anyways does anyone have any suggesitons or feedback as to how to move forward?

 

SteppedOut's picture

Move forward with him in the rear view mirror! 

He wants you to fund his over indulgent lifestyle and is getting angry that you are not. That alone is enough for you to call it quits. Additionally, it sounds like he wants you to just join him in his life... his kids activities, only what he/his kids want to do, etc.

Be glad it's over before you lost any of yourself (and money). 

galyways's picture

You need to move on. He sounds extremely selfish and unwilling to change. Everything is all about him. He wants you as an add on so he can fund the lifestlye and home he cannot afford. Not to mention you get to put up with his bratty kids in the process. He is a user. Also the relationship with his mother sounds a lot like emotional incest. If you don't know what it is google it. It is very damaging and unhealthy as it never allows their grown adult kids to grow up, have their own life, personality and relationships. It is very toxic. Steer clear and be thankful it did not work out.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Move forward on your own. This guy has shown you what is important to him, be grateful for that. He obviously is interested in your money and your support, and little else. You seem smart and together, you have identified the real problems in your relationship and why he will not make a good long-term partner. Go out and find someone who is worthy of you!

Sparkl3s's picture

I don’t see how any of this benefits you. He has told you what he wants and expects, is that the kind of relationship you want? 

If you do sell your home ( because you loooooove him so much) don’t comingle the funds, don’t put it into his home (if he does talk you in to it bc you looooooove him so much make sure he adds you to the title) keep separate finances and get a prenup. 

If you must move in with him don’t sell your house, keep it so you don’t ever feel stuck. I think if you do move in with him you are going to realize that love isn’t enough. 

ndc's picture

I think I'd be backing up rather than moving forward.  There are a ton of red flags here.  His kids are rude to you and he blames you.  He's too chummy with his ex, too enmeshed with his mother.  It sounds to me like he wants you for the financial help.  I think from what you've written that you would very much regret moving in with him.

If you feel you must give it a try, do not sell your home.  Rent it out if you need to, but don't sell until you know that living with him and his children is working FOR YOU.  Do not pay half of his mortgage and expenses.  You are one person and you should not pay more than your fair share, which is way less than half of a huge house.  Do not become trapped by selling your place - give yourself flexibility if you want to try the moving in thing.

markwvualum's picture

This guy is all about himself and just wants you, or whomever else he meets, to finance his lifestlye, his kids and his mortgage. He couldn't care less about you, and will likely be that way with anyone he meets. He is a user. Him talking to his mom about you is beyond pathetic and immature. Be glad to be rid of this selfish, self centered mama's boy and his feral spoiled spawn. Kudos to you for making the very wise choice not to marry nor move in with him, nor invest your hard earned finances in him. Kudos to you for having great insight and excellent judgment. Now go enjoy your life!

Curious Georgetta's picture

Why this relationship is not working for you. To  someone else. he might  be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but he is not that for you. Why are you remaining in this relationship?

The only thing missing is a coroner to pronounce this relationship dead.

 

markwvualum's picture

To whom would he be the greatest thing since sliced bread? A woman lacking in self esteem or self worth? A woman whom has little to offer herself? Or perhaps his mother? 

pwoodlson's picture

Anyone who thinks a user with bratty kids and a ton of debt who is emeshed with his mother is the greatest thing since sliced bread needs a psychological examination. Unless they haven't figured out what he's all about yet. People can put on good masks. But the masks always end up slipping eventually..........

caitlinj's picture

You are right CG. A woman whom also has poorly behaved kids, an invasive ex, a horrible mother in law and financial problems would be a perfect match for this guy! He needs to leave childfree women, who are in good financial shape, and whom have good boundaries with thier family, alone.

notarelative's picture

This is not a plateau. It is the end of the road.

Take the fork that leads you away from this guy. Anytime someone says they need you to move in to ease their financial burden, run. Add in that he wants you to plow your money into his house, run faster. Run as fast as you can and don't look back. There is no upside for you in this relationship. 

ITB2012's picture

and I can tell you he's looking at you as his sugar-momma and is already deciding what to do with your money and obviously unwilling to compromise on some things you want.

This is not a plateau or a fork. This is a cliff. Back away.

Endgame's picture

Welcome, articulate, intelligent, capable Feliciastory.

Financial ruin awaits...& stepbrats will inherit.

Spoilt, snooty stepkids become vile adults.

My lawyers asked me "Why are you with a man who doesn't love you? Do you know you have worth?"

So I left stephell two months ago & it was the biggest mistake of my life...just kidding...ha ha ha ha (to infinity)

"Chess...remember the Queen is the most powerful piece on the board"

MurphysLaw's picture

FOUR YEARS of DUTCH TREAT DATING??? On TOP of EVERYTHING ELSE?

Um, NO.

You are WASTING your time with this Loser-User.

 

feliciastory's picture

It was my choice ot go dutch because what he wanted was to take turns paying meaning, he would pay for me once, then next time we went out his kids would be there and I would be expected to pay for him and his kids too. No thanks. He didn't like it when we all went out together and I would pay for myself. He expected us to pay "as a family" which meant I took turns paying for his kids. Umm no.

Mountains's picture

I quit reading at “selling my own home and put the money in his....would solve all his money problems...” 

no no no no

run run run run

 

Powerfamily's picture

He seems to have confused you with a ATM.

His relationship is with you is only to get to YOUR assets and money.   He only sees how YOUR financial stability as a means to an end to help make HIS life stable.   Which it won't he will just continue to run up debt and live above his means.

Read your post back, you are the one giving up everything too continue this relationship and giving you nothing in return. 

 

Winterglow's picture

All he wants to do is take, take, take and give nothing in return, not even respect. He wants you to make all the effort - longer commute, sell your home, finance his ... If he were worth the effort he'd parent his children properly, cut the apron strings, and move to a home he can actually afford. 

I thnk it's time for you to move on. You have a bright future out there - go get it! You have seen what StepHell looks like and you don't like it. Don't put any more into this relationship. You deserve so much better.

Lollybobs's picture

' He said if I would just sell my home and move in it would solve all of his money issues and I would be contributing to half of the mortgage and could put the money I made from selling my house into his house. '

What's not to understand here? This sentence tells you all all you need to know.

TheBrightSide's picture

Just because someone has kids, it doesn't make their relationship "needs" more of a priority than their partner who doesn't have kids.  He's allowed to want the type of relationship he wants and so are you.

I think you've made up your mind.  BUUTTTT  if you decide to sell and move in, please please please do not commingle funds and get a cohabitation agreement or prenup or whatever it is called in your jurisdiction.  Do not move in with him without it.  

Rags's picture

This whole thing is screaming so many red flags that your insistence to be with this guy is just baffling.  There is no moving forward in any way with this failed man, failed father and profound financial mooch.

DO NOT sacrifice yourself, you life, your financial independence, financial success, well being or anything else for this failure and his shallow and polluted gene pool... that starts with his mother and reaches the pinacle of failure with him.  His poor kids are screwed.  Don't add yourself to that rancid cesspool of genetic failure.

True equity life partnership benefits both partners in the relationship. There is zero benefit that this guy brings to you in this situation and you sacrifice everything for him. Don;t do that to yourself.

Take care of you.

CLove's picture

And tape them to a wall in your lovely-sounding peacefull home.

Then, when you are safely out of this relationship, traveling, socialising, and enjoying your paid off home, please seek counseling to discover what in you needed this type of relationship. This relationship where your wants needs desires are marginalised. This relationship where you are treated badly, and where you are expecteed to invest all of yourself and monies, with really not much of a return on this investment.

Im sorry if I sound harsh, but if you were my daughter, this is what I would tell you.

The others are spot on. You have reached the end with this one.

If you need reasons, print out your own post and tape THAT to a corkboard or wall somewhere, to remember. So for next time you will see these flags and pass up on anyone exhibiting even one of these.

Dizzyjell's picture

There's truly nothing positive about you staying in this relationship.  You listed a lot of bad and nothing good. How convenient for him to want you to move further away from your job, sell your home, and out your equity in HIS home (!!!) Do not do this. You will live to regret it. Add the enmeshed mother, ex wife always being their and disrespectful kids. I say cut it off and put time and distance between you guys. Go no contact. He would reap all the benefits if you did what he wanted while you would sacrifice everything for very little return. I sacrificed nestly everythig..moved in with SO, dealing with high conflict ex, a stepkid with a lot of issues, his invasive mom, moved far from my family and friends, sold all my furniture, while he gets to stay close to BM and his kid and I help pay on his mortgage or which I'm not even on. But the one thing I did right was not sell my home. I rented it out.  I have decided to leave my SO and move out. This life is not for me I have always been the one sacrificing and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Crossroads87's picture

I didnt even finish reading this.... the fact that he wants you to move in to help him financially has red flags all over it.... 

Walk away.... you are there to alleviate his finances more than anything else.... 

I'm sorry :(