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EmmyDays's picture


I've posted before about my 8 year old step-daughter who lives with me fulltime (has done for 5 years) because bioMum is a total booze soaked nutjob (that's actually a compliment....).

Well step-daughter has smashed in my boiler... 7 times now. And is smearing toothpaste into my shower, pouring my conditioner down the sink... she is ruining our lives and each time it is because she wants to live with her Mum.

She can't. Her Mum lost SD in court (she didn't even show up to the hearings) and we were granted residency of SD. She had supervised visits for years then unsupervised visits started and BioMum has been slowly filling SD's head up with crap since then. Such as I am a bully apparently (she's friends with one of my old best friends, I cut contact with this best friend because BioMum duct taped her dogs mouth shut and my friend was living with her at the time and was still really friendly with her after this event. I don't have friends who are friends with people who duct tape a dogs mouth shut). BioMum has told SD that she wanted to die when her Dad left her but being pregnant gave her life again... THE KID IS TOO YOUNG TO HEAR THIS! She allows her to watch Tenacious D (loads of 18+ content) and lies all the god damn time. BioMum is never on time at weekends and her vehicle breaks down every 2 or so weeks...

But this SD believes every lie Mummy tells her, and is destroying my home in a home that I will get annoyed and send her away.

What the hell do I do?

Some background -
Yes SD is signed up for counselling to come to terms with muddled issues about her Mummy
No we've never denied BioMum access and we facilitated supervised visits at our own expense
We are in the process of getting SD checked for autism but in the UK it is an 18 month waiting list
We've challenged BioMum and gotten her to talk to SD about how serious boilers are
We've educated SD on the dangers of boilers... we've gotten the school to educate SD on the dangers of boilers...

My heart is pounding so hard, we can't send this kid away. She won't be safe - fullstop.
But she will continue to test us because she wants to get sent away and doesn't understand why BioMum isn't safe.

BioMum won't challenge us in court again for a rematch because she knows she'll lose. She has told SD she can't afford to anyway (that's a massive lie, it costs £250) BioMum has confessed to wanting SD back but we always said no because she's never been stable or safe. BioMum claims she has told SD she can't move back there at the moment..

Please help, I'm drowning in this

From Step-Mum

Cray 2

Doorsy's picture

Since you can't send her away make her stay with dh at all times since she can't be trusted. How do you smash a boiler?

uofarkchick's picture

Yeah, I'm confused on that part. They are made out of metal and can't be smashed. And I'm pretty sure that they get hot enough to give someone third degree burns if they messed with it.

Stepped in what momma's picture

Have you told her that she can break the boiler over and over again that she isn't going anywhere? She might get hurt but she isn't going anywhere. Maybe if you take the "pain" out of it for you it will take the "fun" out of it with her.

Thumper's picture

She is assigned the wrong counselor. Fire the one you have.

Try a Phd in child psychology.

so sorry you are going thru this. I really am.

What is she like in school. BIG problems or normal kid behavior?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I might be tempted to go back to court and ask for supervised visits again with the counselor as a witness.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I don't know how it works in the UK but if the kid is causing damage and the child psychologist can vouch that it's due to the mother's bad mouthing, at the very least you can take her back to ask to include a clause like "No parent shall badmouth the other parent." I'm not sure if that would be worth it though.

EmmyDays's picture

Hello all,

OK, the boiler is inside a wardrobe in her room. It has a clock device to make it turn on and off, and basically the SD has smashed the wardrobes doors into the boiler, hammering away at the clock... 7 times. Ironically the 6th time actually fixed the clock mechanism (somehow) and then she smashed it in again. The clock is how we control what time the heating cuts in, at what temp, etc etc. The boiler becomes pretty pointless without it. We still get hot water but our heaters won't cut in because we can't control when the damn thing turns on, so we reset it clearing the timely entirely and go without heat. (we have a young baby)

So no, there is no fiery explosion going on in my house. Just a boiler with a smashed in interface.

I liked that comment - take away in the pain from me and it may take out the fun for her... that is clever.
How do i disengage with someone so hell bent on pissing me and my husband off?

EmmyDays's picture

No - we can't move her out of that room... the other room is shared by my two younger children and her room is too small to house my little two. She has no other room.

still learning's picture

I would do this too. What a rotten little terrorist. Any chance you can send her off to boarding school?

Stepped in what momma's picture

Buy an old alarm clock and smash it, tell her that the timer is broken and that you had to wire it together to work, and surprise, now you don't need a timer. Maybe if she doesn't know how important the timer is and that now it is "broken" then she won't be so interested in breaking it?

Can you put a metal locking door to keep her out of it?

EmmyDays's picture

Ok we aren't idle in our efforts, we secured MDF board around the boiler and a soft padded layer of polystyrene to take the pressure if she pushes her weight onto the wardrobe doors - it obviously failed.

The times before that we were using punishments - such as taking away her TV, Kindle time, privleges etc.
Taking the doors off would leave the boiler exposed to her, unless we built something to encase the boiler but the gap between the boiler surface and the wooden doors is about an inch only. Not a lot of space to work with.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I wasn't thinking you were idle in effort just wasn't sure what all had been done.

How about electric shock? Buzz that little suckers hands, lol, just kidding, kind of. }:)

notsobad's picture

"And then follow through"

Therein lies the rub!

Ravenhead's picture

Im with you on that. I disengage and let DH deal with his rotten tomatos. " not my monkeys not my circus"
If i didnt disengage as much as possible i would be in jail. Some people can speak peace and love all they want until its them who has a living nightmare wrecking their life.

EmmyDays's picture

Ahhh I need strength, damn it...
Thanks everyone. Loving the support and sorry for coming across as snappy.

Just mantra myself to sleep, not my kid, not my problem.

You know this hell brat hand made me a birthday card with Mum all over it... then walks off and smears snot into my baby towels because she's angry at me.

I'm the stay at home Mum and always here.... if this kid isn't destroying my home she's trying to kill me with flattery.

Maxwell09's picture

Maybe this is terrible but if my kid kept fooling around with something that could severely burn him, I would make him watch a documentary or go to a burn victims shelter/group and have them show him what will happen if he keeps playing with Fire...or in this case boiler. Let her see what will happen to her skin if she gets burned. When I was a young child a girl in my neighborhood was severely burned on her arm from a house fire and to this day I don't take chances with being burned.

EmmyDays's picture

That is a very good suggestion. We have shown her photographs of what happens via Google but you know what kids are like now.... they seem desensitised.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I saw this type of video when I was 9 and it made an impression for years. I agree her seeing a video re-enactment would likely make an effect on her.