Disengaging theory.. I need a family.
I wrote a whole page on my messed up, tangled situation but to save you all the trouble the bottom line is I fine tune this house and how it runs, how the hell do I disengage with an 8 year old step-daughter who wants to live with her Mum who can't, who has been living with me for 5 years and makes my life hell. How do I disengage with this child who I have been the primary carer for for over 5 years for the good of my sanity...? How do I do it when this kid is tangled in with my husband, my gorgeous daughter and son, and all the family I have locally?
Sending her away isn't an option and keeping her here is destroying me.
I don't have a support network that can cope with this, everyone around me 'feels sorry for the confused little girl'
Please adopt me into your world and tell me how to get through this.
My husband and I are solid, he has been laid and lifted by me and my working horse attitude but he is like a Labrador... bouncy, happy and runs with his tail between his legs with things get serious. But he is also my sunshine and my world.
Sounds like the Labrador
Sounds like the Labrador needs to lift that tail from between his legs and find his balls.
He is the father of this child. If her caretaking is getting too much for you, then he needs to man-up and do what is needed.
You need to communicate to him clearly that while she may be part of your family, this is HIS child and he needs to spend time on raising her. And that includes the tough stuff like discipline, mentoring, feeding, clothing, schooling, etc.
You need to stop mothering your husband and maybe he will become a better father as a result.
I'm scared, for 5 years I
I'm scared, for 5 years I feel like I've held his hand and in turn my stepdaughters and now my step-daughter and I are arguing all the pissing time. She is purposely doing stuff to piss me off and has admitted that and he just hangs his head down in defeat...
I'm scared it will change our marriage and our life together and that of our children. Am I meant to focus on my biokids and not my stepdaughter? Is that fair? I'm so confused...
Is it fair this man requires
Is it fair this man requires you to raise HIS child? Who made you Queen Babysitter of the World?
Tell him you're sorry you deprived him of the opportunity to parent his child. You're stepping back so he can step forward.
Tell him what the rules of the house are that you expect to be followed by each child, including SD. And then never let his cutesy hang dog face work on you again.
Damn, good way to cut through
Damn, good way to cut through the crap.
Thank you. I needed that.
You should never be the
You should never be the primary caretaker. It's simple... Just stop doing things. If SD asks for something, whether it's lunch or a ride or whatever, tell her to ask her father. Act busy at meal times, bed time, etc. so you're not stuck getting her ready/fed/whatever it is. Just don't do the parenting for her.
I help my husband out but ultimately all parenting is up to him. I never really told him I wouldn't be taking the primary caregiver role because I didn't have to. After we got married, I helped out a bit more often but he's still the first one to do whatever it is that needs to be done parenting-wise.
It's easy because he simply cares more than I do lol when SD wakes up in the morning, I'll lay there and ignore her whining until he gets it. When she says "i'm hungry" over and over again, I just leave the room and he gets it. He really couldn't put me in the primary caregiver role even if he wanted to cause I just wouldn't do it lmao.
I care about my SD but he cares more, so he does all the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting
As a man in a blended family
As a man in a blended family situation the frequency of neutered men in Step situation is amazing. I eternally struggle to understand why so many women tolerate a man who allows his prior relationship spawn and XW to maintain custody and control of their testicles.
I agree with ChiefGrownUp's short and direct solution recommendation. You need to quit parenting the Labrador, rub his nose in his mess, and give him clarity that HE will immediately begin parenting to YOUR satisfaction.
The key is establishment of clear behavioral standards for the kids in your home and then holding DH accountable for upholding those standards from his kids. Make it clear to DH and to the SKids that they will all rue the day that you are forced to deal with violations of the household behavioral standards.
Then make sure you are ready to invoke a level of consequence and abject misery that no one will every want repeated.
Doing the right things and being happy are so much less work than violating the rules and being miserable. Teach them all this lesson without any guilt or regrets.
Take care of you.
Disengaging is not easy, you
Disengaging is not easy, you have to stand strong to keep on doing it... but after about 6 months things start working out, DH will kick against it and say things to make you feel bad, do not fall for that emotional black mail stunt he's gonna pull.... just stand your ground...
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Okay...but how do I cope with
Okay...but how do I cope with the resentment? This brat used my toothbrush to clean a sink for months, lied to the school, told them she did it to help me 'clean' and got sympathy for trying to be thoughtful! She told me she did it because she was mad at me. She has also now broken my boiler, fifth time she's played with it... we padlocked the damn thing away and she pushed the wardrobe doors so hard it hard the buttons on the boiler. It is in her room and we can't move her room because it is the small bedroom and the other room has my two young children in. We have shown her pictures of what happens when boilers go wrong and she is just ignoring us. Husband is furious and in floods of tears because he doesn't know how to control her. I am pulling my hair out.. I cannot stand the look of her, when she comes down for breakfast I want to scream... I am seeking help for it through counselling but every morning she wakes up smiling at me like nothing has happened!
Just a note SD has suspected autism, on a long waiting list via NHS to get it looked into but the waiting list is 18months long and we've been offered no support. It appears to be Aspergers (lack of empathy, lack of social skills, sensitivities to taste, light etc etc) and she lies A LOT.
Her BioMum is a dick who is inconsistent and tells SD nasty lies about me. DH does stand up to this woman but it BioMum claims SD is fibbing and SD claims BioMum is fibbing.
How do you get rid of that anger? Especially when my children want to play with SD but I don't trust her alone with them because they get hurt.. (sometimes on purpose) so I have to sit there and watch.
you get over it by
you get over it by disengaging and ignoring her, make sure your children has plenty to do when she's around, plan things for you and your children.... SD comes to visit her Dad not for a play date.
suspected autism... there's nothing worn with any child, unless medical tests has been done, doctors been seen and it's a confirmed fact... up untill then - sorry manipulation and attention seeking, all things she learned from her bio parents.
That's the problem she
That's the problem she doesn't visit, she lives here fulltime. Has done for 5 long years.. we were close to begin with but things turned sour and got worse. She is always here... her BioMum doesn't always show up at weekends to see her, therefore she is here on our family days.
You have it wrong, when you
You have it wrong, when you marry a person with children from a prior relationship, then you basically will not have any family days excluding this child.
She's part of your family.... accept it but still disengage and get use to doing your own thing with your bio's and excluding her and DH
By your own description, your
By your own description, your domestic situation consists of three kids and a lovable dog. Absent other responsible parent. Even if you read him the riot act, he simply may not any more capable of dealing with SD8's behavioural challenges than you are.
I would suggest, within the NHS you may find some good advice from a family social worker about how to expedite her into autism help. Many areas have very active autism groups run by charities that are 3rd sector partners with the local NHS trust. It is a difficult time to think you might get services (with the cutbacks in the NHS) but if you approach Child Services in your area and simply tell them your story, you might get some good direction. Most trusts these days are prioritising child social care and if you indicate your concerns around safeguarding your younger children, they may help. They tend to react when other children are seen to be at risk.
It could be the local autism groups can supply you with parenting and behavioural advice, or carer respite etc. if you get her on the Learning Disabilities register, this could open a door to some additional behavioural management. If she really is autistic, she needs to be taught coping strategies, i,e, how to recognise when she is upsetting people. They sometimes just can't read normal social signals, but they don't benefit from being treated like mini crims. Life is a slow learning process for them but they can become productive members of society.
That is very helpful advice.
That is very helpful advice. Thank you... I will follow this advice up.