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An update on my disfunctionality (if you've read it before)

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Alas, summer is over, and being a teacher, I'm back here during my lunch- etc.

I spent the entire summer with my infant, and I loved every second of it. She's a spoiled little Daddy's girl and I hope she stays that way until she's 50. My wife took her daughter to daycare over the summer because she still pays for it over the summer. I'm not afraid to admit that I also didn't want to be responsible for her and the infant during the day.

As I mentioned before, SD's biological father did get supervised visitation, that moved to being unsupervised visitation, that moved to more unsupervised visitation. He started paying child support, etc. I actually respect how the guy cleaned himself up so that he could see his daughter.

My wife, on the other hand, oh god. Every single day of my life is a constantly stressed out woman who's irritable to any kind of discourse, ESPECIALLY if it concerns her daughter. This hypersensitivity leads to fights almost daily. If we're not fighting, she's ranting on about "What if I just don't take her to see her Dad", "He's going to mess up", "I can't wait for him to get drunk", "His family is influencing her". I can't stand the crap. She'll be on her phone for hours in bed staring at his facebook page waiting to him upload photos of himself and his daughter. It's insane.

I came out yesterday and told her that if her ex is on her mind more than her husband, then this relationship isn't going to work out. She spends more time focusing on her previous child and her ex than she does with her infant. It's night and day. She's openly told me during fights to "take your daughter and move back to your state". I think the next time I will. Does anyone have experience with this kind of obsession?

tog redux's picture

Yes, as we've told you, it's called PARENTAL ALIENATION.  She is an alienating parent, and she's hell-bent on destroying her child's relationship with her father.  She will do the same to you if you leave her, don't doubt that for a minute. 

susanm's picture

She is obsessed with hating him because he hurt her by being an addict.  In her mind, hurt me = lose the right to ever see your child.  Now that the "stupid court" applied the law and he has custody rights, she is caught up in catching him in doing something that she can run to the court with in a desperate bid to terminate his custody.  Everything else is secondary.

If you leave, prepare to be hated every bit as much because you "left her when she needed you."  Therefore, you forfeit the right to see your child in her mind.  Expect the same treatment as the first EX and get a good attorney quickly.

tog redux's picture

Yep. She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder, and everything is black and white to them.  You are good or bad. And if you leave them, you are bad - FOREVER (until the times they think you are the love of their lives). BM here is still bitter at DH leaving her 10 years ago, and she had an affair. But ya know, she only had the affair because she has Bipolar Disorder, so he was wrong to leave her.  By the same token, I'm guessing she'd take him back in a heart beat. 

She's also likely afraid on some level that the kid will love the father more and choose him over her. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

Oh, I'm in total agreement at this point.

I once made the mistake once, at dinner, asking her kid, "How was the visit with your Dad"?

The unholy hell that was raised from that question was beyond reprieve. That's why I've been documenting, recording, and compiling data to make an exit if this crap gets worse. Things said in anger during arguements, breakdowns mentioning "being done with the world", texts - all recorded and ready to go. I've made a point since been married to not have a single drop of alcohol, I remain completely composed during arguements, so if the day ever comes, it'll be me going to a magistrate while she's at work filing for emergency custody.

tog redux's picture

Do some reading on Borderline Personality Disorder and how to deal with being married to someone with that disorder.  It's good to protect yourself, but the system is still very woman/mother-biased and it will be a tough road. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I took your advice before, and read several articles on borderline personality disorder, and she has it 100%. She refuses family therapy and refuses to admit that she has a problem.

She says, and is dug in, saying the only problem in our house is that I don't love her daughter enough. She and her whole family justify their behavior with that single line. Honestly, right now, the only thing keeping my marriage together is that - on days that her daughter is with her father - she is completely normal and interacts with me and our daughter as a normal mother would. It's actually quite happy, and that happiness keeps on for a couple of days before she brings the tension in the household to a breaking point again. It's rinse and repeat. She 1000% panders to her daughter when she is home, and tries to "wash out the visit with daddy" - and tries to drag me into it.

I'm ready to go at this point. It's just a waiting game to see if it cools off over time.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Please develop an exit strategy that includes leaving before your bio starts school or is old enough to be impacted by the double standard your wife imposes. No child needs to experience being a second class citizen when their sibling is home.

Want2's picture

“She's a spoiled little Daddy's girl and I hope she stays that way until she's 50.”

This could be a mini wife in the making. I mean look, you keep your daughter upstairs in “your” master bedroom (you didn’t call it ours as in your wife and yours), you play on your bed with her and keep her secluded from the rest of the household.

 You are quite adamant about how you will raise her and already think of yourself as a single parent. You don’t have a close partnership with your wife and diagnose her on Internet forums with the help of supposed counselors who should know better.

 You act like you own this child while accusing your wife of alienation. But you’re already rehearsing scripts for your own alienation of your daughter’s half sister and mother.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

I'm not going to squirm for you like some of these other people do, bud.

A few rules for being a decent parent, right?

You keep bad influences away from your children.

You attempt to help all children.

You keep realistic expectations.

From your posts, your SD's don't even enjoy your company. Mine does. She's just out of control and I have no power over her. I do have power over our shared daughter though, and I'll flex it.

tog redux's picture

She’s not even a stepparent. She dates a guy with adult kids. She’s never lived with them. She just hates stepmothers and apparently men, too. 

Rags's picture

Why do so many Sparents married to these kinds of people insist on polluting their own gene pool by breeding with these failed parental morons?  

Did you actually put some thought into having a child with this woman who you have observed with her prior relationship child?  What made you think that she would be a better mother to your child than the one she has already ruined?

Please do not compound the disaster that your own daughter is facing having this woman as a mother by not taking your DW's advice and taking your daughter and leaving.  Save your daughter, save yourself.... move.  And don't forget to nail her for CS.  Your child should have the benefit of the resources of both of her parents.

Good luck.

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

The father of her child came into the picture after the vows were said. Erratic behavior was limited to the bedroom beforehand.

Frustrated future SM's picture

Geez. You and I are in a relationship with the same exact type of person. It's so damn miserable. BF and I are basically taking a break now. I've pretty much cut him off tho so who knows if we'll end up working things out. I just plan to give him visitation with our DD mostly on weekends when I know his other kids won't be around. Sad our relationship is in so much turmoil over his kids. All he had to do was set rules and boundaries for them, so friggin simple, but he'd rather cater to them and keep them on a pedestal than allow our child to grow up in a two parent household.

Frustrated future SM's picture

I'm on the same page when it comes to keeping my child away from bad influences, half siblings or not it doesn't matter. I'm only okay with her spending the most minimal amount of time with them. Judge Judy once said "one rotten blueberry spoils the bunch" and I've experienced that personally. I was negatively influenced by certain people I was around on a regular basis when I was young and impressionable.