First, I'm wondering if I read it correctly. Your daughter, who is 2, lives with you, but your husbands son, who is 5, lives with your husbands parents? What's the reasoning there? If your concern was equity, no, your daughter gets to live there full time and he doesn't.

There will never be equity, and it's not your fault. Your daughter is not your stepson. It appears that you split your finances well. As long as your cordial to your stepson, and your husband isn't argumentative about it, everything will be ok, probably.

If you send your daughter off to private school, and your husband is up in arms, when you're paying, it probably won't end well. Although since your husband is willing to live away from his son already, being the custodial parents, who knows?

There's no equity in life, period. 

Both kids can hear that it's different for them because they have different mothers with different jobs/values, etc and that's that. 

They will survive. 

He kids with ex are all living in and from malaysia. I am australian, my 2 kids with hubby are aussie citizens and will start kindergarten in australia all the way to university hopefully. 

My kids will be in a better financial position. Schooling is basically free in my country, except level of education way more advanced than malaysia. 

If skids chuck a hissyfit about equity, all i can suggest is they wished bio mum was Caucasian from a western country and capable of handling her finances and work towards supporting her kids through university but she isn’t capable of this.

that isn’t my fault.. i see the day skids claiming favoritism and being jealous of my kids but they have never taken initiative to do things on their own and take responsibility. They have lived through life guilting others

My situation is similar - I have two kids with DH and SS11 lives one province over. He is being raised very differently than my two - gets all of his material desires, runs his mother's house, gets spoiled to no end by in-laws, different diet, and is even being raised in a different religion than my two are. He has shown himself to be jealous and aggressive to my toddler, so now I keep them apart as much as possible to keep my two safe. I do not play happy family. DH understands. He doesn't like the way his son is being raised by BM but there's little he can do. We have agreed not to encourage OR discourage a relationship. We do not pretend everyone is one big happy family. I do no understand how some posters on here think that half-sibling relationships are the most important relationship. I want to keep skid's influence away from my kids. I don't want them to think it's ok getting 10-15 gifts at Christmas, Easter, birthdays. That it's ok to be glued to a screen. Unfortunately, skid is here on long weekends, holidays, summer. I am counting down til visitation is over. It really interferes with your parenting with a child who's being parented much differently is in your home regularly. 

In-laws can't tell you to take skid on vacation, although I think it's odd that he doesn't live with one or both of his parents. Is there more to the story there?

ETA: You have zero responsibility to financially "make things equitable" for skid. 

"For the big family I suggested, if they want to spend money on my daughter, to send money to my BD’s account that I will later use for her studies or other important things. It was a huge fight, as MIL thinks that children should be spoiled by the gifts, otherwise they will not enjoy their childhood. So, they do not want to send money and I do not want to raise a spoiled kid so I prefer not to have anything. I also suggest to have separate Christmas, for example the DH’s kid on one day and our family on the following. In this case my daughter will not see the mountain of gifts for the other kid and will not be jealous. The discussion on that with my DH is ongoing, as he does not see an issue with having lots of gifts, but I do."

HOLY selfish batman.....you are a peach or this is a troll post>

First of all- if I had a beeeoch controlling ahole for a DIL as yourself I would wonder what the hell I did wrong to raise a boy that would marry someone like you.  How dare you think you can control if the grandparents get your DD a darn present?  That is what most of us lives our lives hating parenthood- to enjoy being a grandparent lol.  For you to try and take that from a grandparent is incredibly obtuse, entitled, selfish and arrogant.  You can't dictate what others want to gives as GIFTS and it what form it should be because you pushed her out of your vagina.  That's about as rude as doing a 'cash gift' only on your wedding invitation.  You are incredibly selfish and entitled.

NO, it's NOT ok to ask for seperate Christmas's to avoid jealousy-let your daughter receives gifts her family wants to give to her...if it's too much (and she's young) set them aside and later donate a few.  If you want cash for your DD's school account that's on you- grandparents have NO obligation to provide for her education, you do.  What your beliefs on presents is YOUR belief and you apply to yourself and your own family, you don't get to dictate what others do.

Will your DD's financial place be different then SS? Yes, and that 'inequality' is ok- different mothers/parent duo...but to try and marginalize and keep apart the kids because of this is wrong. Also...why the heck is your spineless DH sending BM money while HIS parents raise SS? If that's their agreement, fine-but he should petition the courts to change custody and assign them as guardians and give them financial help for the boy. He obviously can prove the kid is living there.

The only thing I agree with you about is that the kids will have different things because they have different mothers. That's life. It's the same with us - I make good money in a professional job and BM can't hold any job to save her life. I am saving for my BD's college but SD's education will be on her or her parents.

Not sure why you would try so hard to make it so your daughter can't have a relationship with her sibling. My daughter adores my SD and even though there are many things about SD and our whole situation in general I don't like or agree with, I would never discourage their sibling relationship. And separate Christmases??? I'm sure your daughter is going to WANT to spend holidays with her SIBLING.

Why do you not want your SS to go on vacation with you? And why is he not living with his father? The work schedule thing seems off to me. My DH has always had to leave for work around 4am. He used to drop her off with my MIL and she would get her on/off the bus, then DH would pick her up after work. She didn't LIVE there. Seems like there is way more to this story.

I agree for the most part. It's impossible to have equity between them. Even if they were full siblings it would be hard due to interests and strengths of the child. And ultimately in your case, the children have different moms with different economic statuses. So dont feel bad that you can give your DD more. 

And I understand that it is frustrating that your inlaws maybe overdo it with gifts. But you will hurt your marriage and hurt your child if you try to isolate your DD from part of her family. 

What a convoluted, loosey-goosey arrangement your H has. He pays cs to BM, but it's his parents who are raising their child for both of them? Why?? And you married into this, had another child with him, and are now trying to parent successfully while navigating this dysfunction. Yikes.

Your H really should have cleaned up his messes before seeking to marry you. And you should have realized that his child from a previous relationship matters, and will continue to have an effect on your marriage. You seemed determined to keep things compartmentalized, but your H has obligations that will continue to bring his two worlds together so you'd best be prepared for it.

I applaud you for applying logic and advocating for your daughter, but you come across as rather controlling and a bit tone deaf. You can't control other people, and it's quite rude to dictate that the people who want to love your daughter only give cash. Your child isn't a possession; she has two parents, a brother, and is part of a family.  If it's the custom of your in-laws to spoil children, then by all means work with your H to find ways to manage the issue and parent these siblings effectively (I have a friend who let's her daughter open a few gifts on receipt, and doles the rest out as a reward throughout the year). Seek to change the culture if you like, but don't alienate your H's people. For better or worse, they are your daughter's people, too.

 Your "my way or the highway" stance will only take you so far in step life. Much of what happens in step life is beyond our control; the current situation can change at any time, and is very likely to. What happens when your SS wants to live with his father, or MIL and FIL get tired of raising SS for free? Your stepson is already noticing the disparity between households, and this does not bode well as it will affect his feelings of self worth to know that his father doesn't love him enough to want him with him. Winter is coming. Resentment is growing, and this dysfunctional dynamic is going to produce a very damaged SS.

Did it ever occur to you that your DH may want to spend Christmas, vacations, and other holidays with BOTH of his kids? And that he May want his kids to have a relationship like the siblings they are?

Your DH and his family value big Christmases with lots of gifts. They value multiple vacations for their grands. They value things differently than you do. That doesn't make them wrong, just different.

No, equality will never be a thing between your DD and SS. However, don't prevent your daughter from having a strong relationship with her paternal family, including her brother, just because you disagree about presents. The time to decide whether or not that was a deal breaker in regards to child rearing and family relations was BEFORE you had a kid, not after.

It's really messed up, steplife. The more I read the comments, the more I'm obliged to hire a lawyer, do what I need to do to ensure full custody of my daughter, and run for the hills. It seems sometimes as if the outlook on step life is grim and dire, unless you follow a very thinly veiled set of rules set by... well - no one. You must be submissive to all events, and not only are you not entitled to raise the stepchild, but you aren't even entitled to raise your own child to hold your values either.

Really scary. Honestly, your daughter is your daughter, barring anything that would cause concern to CPS - abuse, neglect, etc, it's your child, and you can do what you feel is best. You seem like an extremely strong woman, your daughter will almost certainly be a reflection of you. Your husband has this weird custody agreement with the biomother, so I'm assuming that he's a pushover. You can probably do as you please, if you put your foot down. If you want to separate the siblings, it's your choice, as it's not enforcable by law. Whether or not it's good for them is subjective at best. I don't want you to feel I'm advocating for alienation, but I'd like to advocate for your right to choose what's best for your progeny.

Best of luck.

oh my lord- I knew people like you existed-they just didn't openly admit to it.  You are a scary human being.  Life has a way of humbling us...you could lose custody to your DH - your DH's parents coudl fall ill and he has to take his kid.  They could say they are done raising and want dad to take over...great so you divorce (you obviously have no idea of the significance of wedding vows or what a marriage partnership entails). Your DD then gets to spend time with dad with her brother and the in-laws spoiling her and you lost all control.  Wouldn't that show you!!  You wouldn't be there to monitor or control how your dh parents, how the siblings interact, etc...given that you make 3 times- even if your dh doesn't get custody and is the NCP it IS possible you could still have to pay him.....pay him to supervise his kid as he sees fit during his time.  So careful throwing the divorce card around as a threat to your dh if he takes custody...you'll likely find it backfires on ya!

"He doesn’t want custody, because the ILs and the kid have a very strong bond. ILs love the boy and my DH says it will be cruel to separate them and I understand"

He doesn't want custody because you would divorce him and if you're bringing in some decent bacon that's a pretty good incentive.  I cannot imagine ANY man (or woman) to be accepting of the harsh/unbending/selfish expectations and ideas you bring to a marriage. Certainly not a happy person-maybe a beaten down person would accept it -just like beaten down woman take abuse.  I find your approach quite cruel and beyond narcissistic.  You ARE the GUBM we all dread.

Just a little newsflash for you.....if your dh has a kid there is ALWAYS a chance the kid could end up living with you.  The BM could turn to drugs (ours did, the one we thought would never lose custody did so)....so never say never.

I think if you soften you approach and indoctrination you have better chances of your dh keeping things as is.

Marriage isn't about 'what I signed up for'-  it's for better or worse.  So, if you lose your good paying job, can your dh bolt because he didn't sign up for you making less? What about for health?  You marry someone w/a kid there is always a chance...and chances are it will happen at the worst of his ahole teen behavior years...as happened to countless of us on here.

I'm not the one saying he has to live w/you guys...not at all.  In fact when bm lost custody we only had sd less then 6 months when she went to live with my MIL (she was 15 though)...so I get it.  What I'm saying is you still sound incredibly inflexible and selfish and demanding your way.....it's ok that the kids are different. It's not ok to demand he have two different set of families/Christmases, or that he not allow siblings to be siblings, it's not ok to demand what the grandparents should gift.  My mom fed my kids little debbie's no matter how much I protested-it pissed me off....but that's what grandparents do.  You'll learn you can't control the universe.  Your child isn't a posession to mold exactly to your specifications....he's still an individual you can raise w/your values but I think you struggle a bit thinking he's an extension of you and not a child you do your best to raise.  Don't be surprised when he rebels against your tormenting control.

It sounds like you're reading through this website and freaking yourself out. Steplife isn't the greatest, but it's what you make of it that counts. If the boy is around, you don't HAVE to hide out in your room with a bottle of wine or make arrangements to stay at work as late as possible. You have to set boundaries. If that means raising your own child differently and telling DH to do what he needs to do with his child, that's fine. There is no harm in having both kids around and raising them differently. A lot of blended families do this.

Hell, my SD's been with us full-time since she was 2 (she's now 7) and I plan on raising my son a lot differently. I'm not even fully disengaged from her, I just avoid a lot of the dicipline/tough stuff so she doesn't resent me. So yeah, my son will have it "hard" compared to her, and yeah, they may notice the difference, but who cares? They're not stupid. They know they come from different moms. 

You're making this way more difficult than you need to. Who cares if the boy is raised differently? Raise yours the way you see fit. Who cares if grandparents buy lots of gifts? You can still recieve lots of crap from family and have the values to work hard in life. You are not valuing your abilities as a mother enough. YOU have a lot of power as your child's mother. Trust me, you have more of an impact than your stepchild, in-laws, etc. 

You should not have procreated with a man who already had a child with someone else. You might be well-educated, you might have a great job, but you don’t know the thing you should know best: yourself. Your child might end up a COD due to something that should have been very obvious to you.

I admit we did get off topic - I think some of the things you said just shocked a lot of us, and that is hard to do here.

Aside from the living arrangements, it is not in anyone's best interests for you to keep the siblings from having a relationship. That's one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. Even if you don't want a relationship with your stepson (I won't refer to him as "the boy"), it is WRONG of you to keep your daughter from knowing her brother.

SS is going to be visiting so you can't keep them totally separate. Our bios are very different today from SS, all are grown. Education wasn't considered important in BM's world, unlike us. Since he doesn't live with you of course take your own vacations, when he can't come. Or if you want to see your side of the family with daughter and DH. Some of my posts haven't been made on this thread so let's see if this one makes it.....

Okay, I'm just going to say it... You're just a wee bit too rigid. I mean, I get it; in your situation, I would probably want to be the type of parent you are striving to be, but you have to factor in that this is going to eventually get messy if this setup continues. How are you going to handle it as the children age and are curious about each other? What if they express interest in having a relationship - are you going to tell them they can't? They will eventually have social media and phones - are you going to stop them from communicating and having a "half"-sibling relationship if they chose to? 

You have to also consider that you could be damaging your daughter by keeping her away from her half-brother. They don't have to spend every weekend together, but why could they not have a 'distant cousin' type of relationship? Is that so wrong? And, just because you had a poor relationship with your half-brother, doesn't mean that every half-sibling relationship is poor. You know that. Your projecting. Let their relationship go naturally and stop trying to interfere at every turn. It's not healthy like you think it might be, I'm sorry to say. 

No, things will never be equal. It's impossible. Even in intact families, things aren't equal. My brother and sister and I grew up with a mom who struggled financially and was a strict disciplinarian.By the time our two youngest sisters were born, Mom had a great career, was much better off, and had mellowed with age. They had far more opportunities and material goods, and a much closer, more affectionate relationship with mom. We older ones tell the younger ones all the time that the mom who raised them and the mom who raised us were two completely different people! We all survived relatively unscathed and are close today.

That is your hard earned money that you spent your limited time alive earning, not so that you can appease the child of your husband’s ex. Sure it’s his child too but that doesn’t make you obligated to treat him like he popped out of your womb. How many people bust their butts in college, working toward their degree, hoping one day that all their blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifice can go towards a child from their spouse’s previous relationship!? What a burden. Mother in law should mind her own business or pay for her grandson to come along instead of trying to mandate how you spend your earnings. 

He would not enjoy anyway.  SS is into screens and eating junk food.  Let your IL handle SS vacations.  You enjoy the time with your DD’s  They are only young once 

Time for a return trip to court.  If your ILs are the actual custodial parents raising this kid... then the CO should reflect that and both your DH and BM should be paying your ILs for the outsourced parenting services.  Why would your DH continue to pay BM for something BM is not doing?

Call a lawyer, get the best, and get this taken care of.

As the significantly higher earner in your marriage, you have significant leverage regarding finances and how they are directed.

Drive the structure that you desire.

Good luck.