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Ss suicide

Jojo4124's picture

I am still married and my dh has been setting boundaries with his adult kids. His 23 yo triplets have been mad that he changed tge house licks, etc.

Well, his 23 yo son killed himself Sunday night. Husband's ex wife is blaming him n me. She sent a really hateful email about me which we will ignore.

Service is Monday. Is it selfish if I don't go? I know this isn't about me. I want to support my husband but his daughters and ex wife n all their friends hate me because if lies. 

Plz pray for them all!

JRI's picture

I am so sorry for your family.  I don't have any advice.  I'd ask my DH what he wanted me to do. Again, sorry for all.

castaway83's picture

I think you should go, it's the right thing to do.

My SKs BM always complains too, it's a loose loose, don't go - oh you don't care about them -  go - oh you shouldn't be here.

Sorry for your loss.

tog redux's picture

I'm so sorry. Please know that it's not anyone's fault, it was SS's poor choice, and I'm sure he was suffering from depression and other mental health issues long before you came on the scene.

Do whatever your husband wants you to do, but I certainly wouldn't sit with the whole family..


caninelover's picture

So sorry to hear this.  I agree with the others who said ask your DH.  If he wants you there for support then go.  If he thinks it's best you don't, then hang back and comfort him later in private.

Also (sorry don't know the history with BM) but I would ignore (as you've done) and give her a pass on her hateful email.  She is probably in a world of hurt and will take it out on convenient targets (i.e. you).

notarelative's picture

If it were my son, I would want my husband there to support me. So, no matter how uncomfortable it would be for me, I'd go with him.


Thumper's picture

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry.

I have so much compassion for you and for EVERYONE.

Do you believe that you CAN go if your husband wants you to?

This is not your fault, nor your husbands, nor bm or the circumstances.

I am so sorry ((((HUGS))))) I know you are hurting too.

*yes of course I willl pray for your entire family*


Rags's picture

My condolences to you and your DH on your SSs suicide. 

IMHO, you and DH need to  be at each other's side  at his son's funeral.  Be classy, and  be together.  If BM or any of her minions say a word, have some choice comments scripted to bare their asses and highlight their idiocy.  

E.g. "This is not the time or the place for you to show your lack of character.  This is the memorial service for my son and you will not sully his memory for me with your honorless immoral behavioral crap. So, behave or leave."

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If anyone is so stupid as to assign blame, point out their years of maniplation of the kid and their exacerbation of his mental illness.  

Again, my condolences.


CLove's picture

I feel strongly that you should go and be a united team, together. I lost my dear brother to suicide and if there is anything I know about its losing someone to something so meaningless. 

He must have been in extreme pain.

My condolences to you and your DH. I would recommend counseling. 


Movingonisbest's picture

Jojo, first I would like to send my condolences to you and your family.

I wouldn't worry about people playing the blame game and using you and/or your DH as a scapegoat. This young man obviously had major issues that he decided to take his own life. It's just not normal for a person to take his or her own life impliedly because healthy boundaries are being set. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

As far as going to the funeral, you and your DH have to do what the two of you feel is best. It truly is a decision that the two of you need to make without considering the negatively from BM or anyone else.

I do agree with the poster who suggested counseling. I think it would be beneficial for you and your DH. It would also likely be beneficial for your other SKs if they are willing to go.

Misstepped's picture

Definitely go to support your hubby. Having to bury your own child would have to be up there with the hardest thing to do in life. Be there to be his rock if anything. (If he wants you there of course, ask him what he wants and deliver) there is nobody other than your husband that you need to worry about in this. 
This way if you don't go it will be easy to tell all the haters you were simply doing as your husband wishes. And if you do go and anyone gives you grief you were again doing what he needed.

Oxforddad's picture

Many years ago our H.S. Had many suicides. It is horrific. It is Very hard to face this, but in one case the step parents both went and It was for their spouses. 
I can tell you that suicide is increasing again among the young.. I heard a Psychiatrist on the Radio blame the Lock-Downs.  
What are the rules where you live? Where I live only immediate family is allowed and you are now immediate family and need to support your spouse.

tfsimmons's picture

Just go.  Your husband needs you to be by his side for your strength to get both of you thru this day. You can face whatever comes after but not regrets from within yourself if you hide from BM.  Very sadly, and with different circumstances, I have been in your shoes.  Be there in support for your husband and with love for your SS.



Endgame's picture

This week SO told me SD17 is suicidal & can't be found. If I was in the horrific situation I would let SO know I would be there however he needed  - with him every step or give him & BM space to comfort the other SD or drive him & wait at the back of or outside the service.

Keep it very simple verbally with everyone else. My SDs (who were rude to me) appreciated my Ecoya candles & a brief card when their great-grandmother passed.

I was worrried about SD17  & showed genuine concern. I don't believe I would feel anything if it was SD20 & I would say it is not appropriate for me to attend the service but I would support SO in every other way.

Texashley33's picture

Tell the ex wife that she's a selfish b**** for getting a divorce, and that she caused him to kill himself, bc divorce screws up a kids mind. See how she likes that. 

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I'm sorry for your loss. 

Having been through the loss of my YSS in 2018, I'd suggest you go to support your DH.  (YSS didn't die from suicide but he'd tried a few times before).  I can recommend

 - adding some sane non immediate family members to the funeral to act as a buffer. 

 -  ignoring BM. 

In our case, BM did try to create a fuss at one point but DH deftly deflated her attempt and she behaved after that.  If you look through my old blogs you'll find one on the funeral.  It might help with pointers.

Jojo4124's picture

My dh wants my support but feels it's better if I am not there. His ex wife even said she was going to have security there! How can she be so paranoid and hate me so much? 

It hurts but this isn't about me. 

His daughters who hate me, the 23 yos, came over yesterday with a bunch of their friends He wanted me to stay away. I just went to bed. He said they had a great time. I am glad. It is hard. I keep just telling myself that it isn't about me even though I  feel shut out.

I honestly didn't do anything that makes me such a monster.

Movingonisbest's picture

You are not a monster. You just fell in love with and married the wrong man because it seems like his life is just full of chaos. No man is worth all that trouble imho. 

His daughters who hate me, the 23 yos, came over yesterday with a bunch of their friends He wanted me to stay away. I just went to bed. He said they had a great time. I am glad. It is hard. I keep just telling myself that it isn't about me even though I  feel shut out.

I think that if you don't set firm rules and boundaries you get walked over. If my SDs didn't like me and I know I hadn't wronged them in any kind of way, they sure as hell wouldn't be stepping their foot through my door. They don't want you at their brother's funeral but they want to come to your house and even invite friends over?? That would be a double hell no for me.  The things you are going through and the way you are being treated is total bs.

I think you need to talk to a counselor to get to the bottom of why you would choose to accept a situation like this. You only have one life. Is this truly how you want to live it?

I know one thing, your SDs and DH better be glad that you are the SM and not me. I  would shut their pathetic asses down and move on with my life.

Movingonisbest's picture

I also wanted to ask do you have family or a support system?  I have a huge close knit family so there is no wayin hell there would ever be a situation where a man and his adult kids would gang up on me and my family not be ready to go to war with them. 

Winterglow's picture

This is how sick they are. I have one brother, we are three years apart. If he had died at that age, there would have been NO WAY I'd have invited friends over to have fun with ... just after his death. They had a great time? Crap, all of it! This has nothing to do with you, they are all seriously not right in the head. He wants you to support him but feels it's better if you're not there? Good grif, woman RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Hees as much a loon as they are.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You aren't "invited" to be at your husband's side for SS's funeral? Your husband told you to stay away when his daughters visited?! The ones you thought he was having literal sex with?! You should stay very far away from this very dysfunctional family. 

Winterglow's picture

Didn't your agreement stipulate that his daughters were never to come to your home again? Didn't last long, did it?

eminem's picture

Your not a monster ❤sorry for your loss ..something will be said if you go or if you dont remember that ...look after yourself to 

Sandybeaches's picture

I am so sorry for you and your family.  

I don't know your history but I am sure there was a lot going on with SS probably more than anyone knew about.  I don't know the right words to say except suicide is no ones fault.  Blame should never be placed on you and your husband.  

I would go if it were my husband.  You will be going for him and going so that he does not have to face that horrible situation alone.  It would be unspeakable if anyone bothered ether of you on such an occasion.   My heart goes out to you both!

Rags's picture

Your husband's child died.  The two of you need to be together during this.  That he allowed an invasion of your home while expecting you to disappear is alarming to me and intollerable.

I would let him know that never again will he do this and never again will you tolerate it.

Go to the funeral. Your DH does not need an invitation, and neither do you.  Go together, and script some cutting but not toxic responses to anything BM or the other toxic spawn may spew. Prepared is better than not.

Do not let them or this situation divide you.  Make each other your priority and have each other’s backs.

Catmom024's picture

Ugh.  Step-parents are scapegoats for anything and everything.  

I'd be damned if I let them pin that on me.  Family dysfunction runs VERY deep in these step families, but hey...a step parent exists...let's blame tbem!  I have no doubt if one of my SO's kids did something like that, my name would definitely be brought up.