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Ok, am I being stupid??

Jojo4124's picture

Our divorce is Nov 2. Dh has kicked dd out, remortgaged the house n getting xw name off and will put mine on if we don't divorce and he is helping me pay for car repairs n using his extra car while mine is in the shop...

I have a 'post nup' agreement we will get notorized...IF we don't divorce and ONE tenant is violated... such as skids never in our home, me never around skids including weddings...

Ugh I am confused.  I know I can always file for dissolution's easy n cheap


What am I thinking/not thinking of? He of course is being super charming and busting his butt to do these things

Jojo4124's picture

If ONE thing on the post nup IS violated I will file dissolution again

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I'm the last person to judge you on this, but do you still think he might have a sexual relationship with his daughter? Like i said, Lord knows i can't judge, but if that's still hanging out there.....

Jojo4124's picture

I didn't get actual "proof' so thats up in the air. Now that she doesn't live here, I may never know hmm

CLove's picture

Back in August.

What about mini-wife SD? And what about the other things such as alimony to ex? I think hes "love bombing" you.

Jojo4124's picture

I haven't seen mini wife since the day I moved out...which was the day after we got back from vaca in Aug. I was gonna move in with a friend but that fell thru so my brother took me in. She moved out and he changed the locks...and is willing to sign an agreement that skids never for any reason come in our house. 

Sd is living with 4 other ppl and to my knowledge dh hasnt been to her place yet. But I don't know. I think I might always be suspicious,  so I need to think about dealing with that for ever how long...maybe the suspension would fade if I dont see anymore behavior like that.

As far as I have researched, the alimony prob. Won't change. We are doing his will together, which will make me feel safer knowing if he dies the vultures might be kept at bay, and know if he leaves me anything, etc.


Rags's picture

He can say anything pulling it out of any orafice in his body.  However, as long as SD exists, he is who he is.  He won't disavow his daughter.  The lies will always be there and you will never be free of either of them until you care about yourself enough to put them both permanently behind you. 

Any number of STalkers told you how he would whine, cry, and chase you, promise you whatever is necessary to get you to re-engage.  We were right, and it is working for him.

This may be the only place in existance that will continually accept and support people who are hell bent on serving themselves up continually on the alter of blended family martyrdom to failed family worshipers who are for the most part incapable of being all in on a relationship due to their worhship of their failed family.

Be good to you.  Put them all behind you.

notarelative's picture

remortgaged the house n getting xw name off and will put mine on if we don't divorce

Why is the ex wife's name still on the house? Was this settled in the divorce (and spelled out in the divorce paperwork) or does she still have equity in the house that needs to be paid out? Is easy to say that I'm taking the ex off the title. It can be much harder to do so.


I have a 'post nup' agreement we will get notorized

Did you write up the post nup? If you did, you might want to run it by a lawyer in your state to make sure it does not run afoul of any applicable laws.

Jojo4124's picture

He showed me the divorce decree that says the house is his and that he needs to get her name off of it within 24 months of the divorce. They divorced 14 months ago. He was just being lazy...?

Yes I wrote it, I should check with an sister is a paralegal, I can ask her to look it over or show her boss. 

Thank you!

Rags's picture

You were out the door and getting on with your life without this disgusting incestuous POS.

What happened?


Jojo4124's picture

I was being strong. Then my car suspension needed fixed (this red x came up on my car n said 'see dealer' ...freaked me out n I asked him about it. He came to my brother's house n checked the car out...its a 2008 car...then we towed it to a repair shop. He offered for me to drive his extra car while mine is in the shop. Not having much savings, dummy me, or credit card, I couldn't rent a car so I took him up on it. 

Then it scared me to realize if he hadn't helped me, I would have been in a bad situation. That I need to build up my savings acct. He is paying for most of the car repair bill, of course I will pay him back. But slowly. But that keeps me tied to him.

I don't know.

Winterglow's picture

Don't make a life-changing decision out of gratitude. He was nice to you but you are not beholden to him... Listen to your head, not your heart. 

MissTexas's picture

I can understand your feelings of desperation over the car repairs, but you're not obligated to him for that. If he agreed to cover the debt, then he can do that. It will not be on you at all.

DH thought he'd covered all his financial bases by allowing me to only be an authorized user on his 4 cards. Well, the card holder, not the authorized user is responsible for all debt incurred. Fortunately for him, I'm not a shopper or a money whore of any sort, and I'm very frugally minded.

Hope your car holds together, but you've got to have what I call a "relationship autopsy." Look honestly at the good, the bad, and the ugly. If the last two outweigh the first, then it's time to make THAT decision.

Good luck.

ESMOD's picture

Time has a tendency to dull the pain.  Right now, he is throwing the kitchen sink of promises at you... some which are really not going to be able to be followed through by him.  He will never let one of his kids in the home?  Yeah.. that isn't going to happen.  I guarantee that the whole deed home thing will also drag out as well....

Yeah.. you could go back.. and be poised with a bag packed for that first backslide.. but based on what you have experienced to date before you left?  I'm guessing that he is betting that you won't fully follow through.. and you will likely allow more before you get to a breaking point again.

And... why now?  You told him all those things that bothered you and he didn't fix them then.... what is different now?  Once the imminent threat of losing you evaporates... it will be business as usual.. post nup or not.

I had an EX that I actually kicked out of my home before we got married.. foolishly I took him back.. and he very shortly thereafter asked me to marry him... of course I said yes.. not wanting to buck a renewed commitment we were making to each other.. and several years later... of the same old crap from him.. we did get divorced.

I don't think your DH is capable of making the wholesale changes that he is promising.. just like my Ex could not.

Merry's picture

This is what you said in your last post: I don't believe stbx would ever change his enabling, enmeshed, and emotionally incestuous ways

So what's changed? He's love bombing you now, and you know that will taper off. What is he doing to fix the problem? Is he seeing a therapist? Couples counseling? Reading up on his codependent, enmeshment issues? If he's not making a REAL, active effort, you'll be right back where you were, and maybe even worse off than before.

Peach's picture

Let me get this straight... he is in an incestous relationship with his daughter?  OMG!  

still learning's picture

It's like that quote, "the devil you know..."  You know this guy's ins and outs and have dealt with an enormous amount of baggage in your relationship.  You could dump and run, this would be a fine choice but then what's next. What atrocious lying male will seduce and doup you next? It does seem like DH is making a genuine effort to fix things. This may have scared him enough to get it together for the sake of your marriage.  Yes you can always file for dissolution again and DH know that you will.  

Are you being stupid? No! Getting a post nup is smart!  

FWSM1964's picture

It says "emotionally incestuous", not physically incestuous.  

Emotional incest is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult.

In my case, BM cried for years on her teenage son's shoulders when my partner left her almost 15 years ago. This son (now 29 yo) lives 3,000 miles away.

I am thinking that is what the OP is talking about (eg. mini wife syndrome).  Still not good, but expected due to the high degree of enmeshment described here.

Jojo4124's picture

I did suspect potential actual incest when his dd was living with us...but no "actual" proof. Definitely emotional incest...I ordered a book about it. 


Olivia2020's picture

well, my gut was telling me that the xDH was not having a physical relationship with his DaughterWife...I bargained with my intuition/gut feelings and lied to myself..."oh well, she lived a couple hours away, had a boyfriend (finally) and xDH and DaughterWife rarely saw each other" (but always on weekends when he wouldn't make the 3 hour drive to my place to sleep all weekend), they certainly had lovely weekends together. Soooo....after I made the mistake of taking him back for the 4th time, jumping into marriage that he was pushing for, lovebombing, but my lease was up so why not just get married? ugh.

After getting married, when I saw those two with their bodies melt into each other or laying across her bed all wrapped up and embraced, ugh! And her scraps of clothing, spread legs towards him, nipples on the daily, etc. So what xDH didn't say, he SHOWED and little Ho DaugtherWife LOVED the attention. 

I escaped the marriage after living in the same house with both of them for 6 weeks...I was disgusted and as his Narc mask was slipping in front of me, his lies couldn't keep up anymore and I called his ass out on them and his perv behaviors, so I had to GTFO and haven't looked back. The folks on here told me straight up and I'm telling you straight up...if you THINK your DH is having or had some hanky-panky with the SD...and that you need PROOF...then just keep on believing his lies and lying to yourself. Please stop wasting your time and is so much better without that drama and stress. The pile of lies is like a pile of poo! Hand your DH the shovel and walk away...he can shovel is own poo from here on out. Keep your hands clean of their crapola. 


Missingme's picture

"I'm telling you straight up...if you THINK your DH is having or had some hanky-panky with the SD...and that you need PROOF...then just keep on believing his lies and lying to yourself."  Good stuff there!

Rags's picture

My XW broke up with me about 6mos before we were engaged.  I ignored it.  We just kept doing what we had been doing.  

I should have taken her break up and moved on. It would have saved me a couple of years of misery.

A favor does not require an intimate relationship.

Take care of yourself.