SS basically stole clothes from here to BM's house
Surprisingly, my husband was being firm about not buying clothes for BM's house.
SS13 came over, had a total childish tantrum and nearly got to my husband but he didn't crack.
So what does SS do? He secretly took all the clothes we bought him and took it to BM's house. BM refuses to let us take ANY clothes from her of course.
My husband got very angry and yelled at SS on the phone. SS calls and cries to my husband's stepdad, his granddad.
My father-in-law comes over lectures my husband about fatherhood, responsibility and loving his children all the same. Then my father-in-law offers money to my husband to buy clothes again for our house.
My husband feels humiliated and guilty and turns down the money of course (it was never about the money) but went out and bought more clothes. All brand new, because of the thing that happened last time with the goodwill store.
I recently separated finances but it still really chaps my behind to see how guilty my husband feels about everything and just gives into SS for every thing.
SS comes back this weekend after this whole situation. I bet he'll act like nothing ever happened. And my husband will be too guilty to say anything. He does see SS on Wednesdays for dinner. Maybe he will bring it up tomorrow, away from me and our kids.
I love my husband and our life when SS isn't here is amazing. But when SS is here the whole dynamic changes and I really hate it.
I feel for you because I too
I feel for you because I too had an SS that would do whatever BM told him to do. Well, he still does, but he doesn't visit anymore so it's not as big of an issue.
If I could go back, I'd do it differently. First off, I'd suggest you stay out of it entirely. But DH should sit SS down and tell him what the money situation is: "SS, I want you to know that I pay your mother Child Support so she can buy clothes for you at her house. That's why I ask you not to take them from here. But I know that she asks you to and that puts you in a tough position. Please come to me and let me know if she asks you to take clothes from here in the future." And then let him take his clothes wherever and whenever he wants. That takes him out of the middle. Is it fair? Nope.
It's not about clothes, just like it's not about money. For us, it was about a power struggle with BM that hurt SS the most of everyone. Try to figure out a way to not engage in struggles with BM through SS. It's really, really hard - but the good part is, you, as SM, can stay out entirely.
Oh, SS is well aware of the
Oh, SS is well aware of the custody schedule. But BM has him comvinced that my husband needs to keep getting him more and more and more.
I used to feel bad for SS and tried to forgive many things. But he is getting older and turing out to be a user just like his mother. My husband has tried talking to him many times. But SS just keeps guilting him, accusing him of favoritism with our biokids.
At this point, it is also affecting my life/budget. We split finances but now my husband has less for his half of fun/extra things. So sometimes we don't do/buy things or I go by myself. It's very irritating.
So he wants to act like a
So he wants to act like a thief? Then treat him like one. My husband is a corrections officer and they call it tossing the cell and a shakedown. SS gets one of each of these before he leaves to go back to BM. Toss his room and backpack and any other way for SS to sneak stuff. Shake down his pockets, coats, hoodies and any other items.
Dear DH, Take back control of your house. You are unleashing a nightmare on society and I for one resent that you are not doing your best to teach your son some lessons on how a real man runs his home. Character is built from struggle, not yours, SS's. Integrity, resilance, loyality, all important things to teach to the best of your ability Don't waste your time with him. Not much left before he ages out. This stuff does not cost money, just time and consistent effort on your part.
BM used to scream that we had
BM used to scream that we had to send any clothing we bought for them with them when we returned them. She went as far as crying about it to her dad. When SO explained things that was the end of it.
Children need things in both homes. Yes it’s there’s but a 13 year old doesn’t think ahead. We’ve already explained to the children who were 3 and 6 at the time that they couldn’t take things from our house because then they wouldn’t have anything with us. If they EVER pulled this I’d ignore it. Then when they came crying they didn’t have anything to wear I’d put it right back on them. You had it, you took it, I’m not replacing.
I feel bad for this kid. His
I feel bad for this kid. His mom is terrible and won’t buy him any clothes and his dad doesn’t want the clothes he buys to leave the house. Odds are good he is being teased from school mates. The kid was wrong, but I do feel for him.
He knew what he was doing
because he chose to sneak them out. He knew BM wouldn't let the clothes come back and he knew DH would buy him more. I'd make him wear whatever he is wearing when he comes for the weekend for the whole weekend. At the most, I'd buy one outfit for him to change in to - then he goes home w/what he wore when he arrived. And he gets searched before he leaves your house to go back to BM.
There's a huge difference
There's a huge difference between a kid taking a few things from dad's house to mom's because he doesn't have much to wear at mom's house, and taking ALL the clothes Dad bought for dad's house to mom's house. I have some sympathy for the kid in the first situation, but not the second. And this kid is manipulative - he knew what would happen if he called granddad.
What's done is done, the new clothes for dad's house are purchased. But in the future I would be searching the kid's stuff to make sure there wasn't anything else being spirited away to BM's house. The skid has proven himself untrustworthy. I feel bad that he feels compelled to take things he was told not to at his BM's request - he should not have been put in that position. However, he's old enough to know right from wrong and choose to do the right thing. If he doesn't, there are consequences.
Do not negotiate with
Do not negotiate with terrorists. Buy him a pair of PJ's Have HIM wash the clothes each night. Thirteen is old enough to know what he is doing.
Sorry for my late response.
Sorry for my late response.
In a world where BM is a logical fair person, nothing would make me happier then for SS to be able to freely take clothes back and forth. It would actually mean les clothes shopping for everyone involved.
But no, in BM's world, what is ours is hers and whats hers is hers. She never lets ANYTHING come to our house.
Seasonal clothes she is required to provide. But she always gets small, insufficiently thick jackets so my husband ends up buying them because who wants their child to be cold is subzero temperature?
I wish I could feel sympathy for SS but that train has long departed. He treats me with little respect and constantly manipulated my husband for both his and BM's benefit. It's hard for me to feel sorry for him.
And my husband would never search SS or make him wear the same thing the whole weekend. He is easily guilted by SS and if that doesn't work, my in-laws get roped in to overpower him.
I hate how this dynamic is. They are all raising SS to be a brat.
Hope they enjoy visiting him
Hope they enjoy visiting him in prison and worrying about precious. I guess the only thing you can do is keep up the suffering on DH's part financailly until he is so broke on his side of the money that he is forced to make a change. No need for you to suffer his inabilty to stick to a budget.