Spoiled brats

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So I guess I just need to vent a little. SS informed us recently that he passed his grade this year and does not need to go to summer school, which is good. He failed the year before and passed via summer school after failing and declining to go to summer school the year before. So that's good that he passed this year without incident. However, DH made the biggest deal out of it when SS told us that he passed and he keeps talking about how cool SS is and praising him nonstop. The kid is a spoiled brat with a bad attitude. He acts like he knows everything, which is clearly debatable. DH had also incentivized his passing the grade by telling him previously that, if he's able to pass the grade without going to summer school, then he would buy him new, expensive shoes (like $150 for a teenager). So not only is SS being treated like a little prince for doing exactly what he was supposed to do in the first place, but now we have to cough up a ton of money for him to have new shoes, which will be difficult. It just makes me so sick that DH makes such a big deal about something like this. I already told DH that we can't keep incentivizing stuff like this because he needs to be passing school regardless, and he agreed that we wouldn't make that offer going forward, it's just so annoying that when these kids do any little thing that any other kid does anyway, and DH just thinks they're all so impressive. I think they're lazy, dumb and entitled brats. Eww.

The weaker they are....

The weaker the kid is, the more my DH does this. Of my DH's 3 kids, 2 are stable, independent adults. However, SD is a mess, thief, liar, addict. We subsidize her living elsewhere after her latest, disastrous stay here. But to hear DH, "She's a great housekeeper!", "She loves animals!", She keeps her car so clean. He seldom praises the others. I can only guess they secretly know how weak these kids are.

Yeah, that definitely seems

Yeah, that definitely seems to be the case. Any little tiny thing he does is the best thing in the world, and "he's so mature". Give me a break.

frustration understood

I get your frustration, but if a pair of shoes will get him to pass without summer school, try to think of it as a win. If DH supplies shoes anyway and the extra cost of these comes out of his funds, let it go.

A friend once told me to look at it this way. Unless you are wealthy, you work for the reward at the end of the week (aka paycheck). This kid has worked for his reward (shoes). The key is not increasing the reward unless work increases.

This! Bigger prizes mean

This! Bigger prizes mean bigger works. Chore list to live there and be a part of the family system to keep house running. Extra money for once in a while jobs, such as cleaning the garage, yard work etc. Bad behaviors would warrant taking the prizes back. This is teenage currency. Dogs are easy, they work for bacon. Teenagers work for material items.

That's pretty much how I'm

That's pretty much how I'm trying to see this situation. Our money is very much a singular entity, even though we both have jobs, but it's pretty tight right now and I feel resentful that this much money is being spent on the kid for doing what almost every other kid on the planet does all the time. Like I'm trying to save up so I can get some better shoes for work and pay for vet visits for my dogs and we're shelling out $150 on shoes for a spoiled teen who will probably ruin them the first month he has them. Also his sister passed with good grades as she always does and she didn't get a reward. I just hate how DH babies this kid and thinks he's god's gift and believes all the lies he tells him. Nothing this kid does is special or cool or deserving of any kind of prize, it's stuff he should be doing anyway. And I hate shelling out my hard-earned money for him to have stuff he probably shouldn't have until he's older anyway while I go without things that I want.

Time to separate your money

Time to separate your money from his. Use percentages to figure out how much each of you pay for house expenses. It's not 50/50 if he has kids. He should pay more. Plenty of people here do it that way and it is a very efficient way to reel in expenses when your money is being wasted on skids like this.

Weeeelllll...currently he

Weeeelllll...currently he doesn't have a job and it's all my money. He did tell the kid he would have to wait until he had a new job and had paychecks coming in before he would get him the shoes. I made it clear that I won't sign off on anymore of these stupid deals and that the kid needs to be passing school anyway, it shouldn't be rewarded. I agreed to stick to the deal he already made but it will not happen again and kid won't get shoes until his dad can pay for them himself. We're supposed to be working hard to pay off debt right now, not buying brats more crap for doing nothing.

I was finding myself taking your husbands side until I read this

part... Yeah, I would absolutely be pissed too if I was the only one working and my partner was offering their kid incentives with the money I earned, we were already using to support them... This seems disrespectful and also maybe points to a pattern of taking you for granted.

Take out $150 for yourself

Take out $150 for yourself and when he complains tell him you had a day that was average so you deserved to be rewarded for it too.

Seriously though, is it viable to seperate finances or will he expect you to reward his son for nothing too.

If I did that, we would

If I did that, we would forego paying a bill. It infuriates me how he does stuff like this without asking me first, especially when he knows money is already tight. So over this situation.

The celebration of mediocrity

The celebration of mediocrity. That was my DH too. It's hard to watch.

Well, since your H used the

Well, since your H used the shoes as an incentive, it's not like he can NOT get the shoes now. I'd have a talk with him about not offering something you can't afford as an incentive, especially if he's just rewarding something that should be a given. How does he explain this reward to his other child, who does what she's supposed to and more and isn't rewarded? I'd definitely take $150 from joint funds and move it to your own account (and do that anytime he overspends on his children).

There is no $150 to take, not

There is no $150 to take, not now. That's what infuriates me. I have to do all the administrative tasks and manage the money and pay the bills and he just makes stupid deals like this and gives our stuff away to the kids because he feels bad. I have talked to him about this stuff and told him to stop because we can't afford it and it's my stuff too. It makes me so angry!

In that case, where is he

In that case, where is he getting the $150 for the shoes? Or did he already take it and leave your household in dire straits? Perhaps he needs a 2nd job to bolster the finances if he's going to spend foolishly on his kids.

It is time for actual proof.

I would not take his word that he actually passed.

No proof, no shoes.

Keep it simple.

That is an extremely good

That is an extremely good point. The kid does lie all the time. What a ridiculous situation I've gotten myself into. I would never let my kids behave like this and I would not parent this way either. I feel stupid.

I don't understand

What goes through the minds of parents that do this. It's definitely not going to help the kid understand that passing is the minimum, which isn't going to help in adulthood when just showing up isn't going to be enough to hold a job to earn a living.

My SD tried to fake graduating..said she finished high school but just didn't want to go to graduation. Then it came out that she didn't have enough credits and she had to finish online. She did graduation, but I can't get past how she tried to fake it.

Then she has kids she nor slacker H can/will support and wants trophies for being a mom. SMH.

I'd ask him if that's now the standard reward for all kids being promoted to the next grade and why it's suitable for one but not all. And maybe he will re-evaluate his standards and raise the bar.

Poor performance shouldn't be rewarded with pricy shoes!

It is mind boggling how the minimum is celebrated.

My DW graduated HS with honors. Though with a 9mo on her hip. As a single teen mom.

Her three younger sibs barely graduated at all.

My ILs were oddly very different with my DW than they were with the younger three.

DW remembers coming home with straight A's in about 5th grade and her father told her "So what? That is what you are expected to do." The younger three fought with teachers, the Principal, MIL and FIL would get in screaming matches with the teachers/etc... over the younger three being mistreated, blah, blah, blah......

DW went on to gradaute with a dual major BS with honors, and MBA with honors, and has a very successful career as a CPA. Alone she earns far more than her parents and her 3sibs earn combined.

BIL one drives a feed delivery truck, Even though he hs been proven wrong multiple times he will occassionaly try to claim with OT he earns more than me. Ag workers earn straight time OT and not time and a half. For many years I would not rise to his challenge. Until...... right before his wedding when he was harping on his brand new computer, his new garden shed that was bigger than my garden shed, and his pay check for 80hours of pay in a single week. As he was bragging on his computer giving me crap about his check being bigger than mine, I pulled up my pay stub. After that he was dead silent on the topic for many, many years. Then he got his CDL and his income went up significantly. He started his crap again. Again I bit my tongue for years. Once again.. I got tired of his "you won't tell me what you make because I make more than you" crap. So, one trip home to visit my ILs my annual bonus was direct deposited and on the way to the airport to fly to SpermLand my bonus check stub was in the box as we checked the mail. He was on his rant again about how now that he had his CDL he made more than me. I left the stub for my bonus check on the table "on accident" while they were visiting us at out hotel in my DW's home town. He picked it up and with a shocked look asked if that was my year's income. I told him that it was my bonus and that my annual salary was 300% more than the bonus. He has never again brought it up.

BIL2 works as an Agricultural worker at a bee keeping company. He is just a good hearted nice man who is happy as can be.

SIL has been fired from dozens of jobs though about a year ago got a job with the school district as a teacher's aid. Though she nearly was DQd from that job for claiming to have a Bachelor's degree that she does not have. She had to lie her ass off, claim a misunderstanding, and beg for them to not withdraw her job offer.

My FIL's comment to my DW about her grades that she was so proud of still bothers her nearly 40 years later. She is periodically angry with her parents for how her three younger sibs have turned out. Not bad people, except for my scum bag SIL, just entitled and with a completely unjustified superiority complex. They treat my DW is the rich city sister who is tragically naive and not too bright... The side bar feedback is that her three sibs are completely intimidated by her. Two of them play the facade of superiority and her being not too bright in public but squirm over how comparatively they are failures.

She just wants to enjoy time with all of them and loves them. After every visit she is upset for quite a while over how they treat her and behave. She ignores their crap while she is with them.

I do not ingnore it. I call them on it immediately if I happen to be with her on that visit.

Oddly, they behave far better when I am present than apparently they behave toward my wife when I am not present.

Funny how that works.

You are very right. When I

You are very right. When I heard him offer that deal to SS without even talking to me first, I could have set the house on fire with my anger. Like wtf are you talking about?? He's already cocky and entitled and acts like he knows everything, and you're going to offer him a deal like that A) without asking me first, and now he expects a reward for doing what he should be punished for not doing. And then I'm the bad guy for pointing that out and telling him not to do that again. We already pay BM a fortune in child support every month so SHE can buy the expensive shoes if she so decides. I'm over here trying to scrape up money so we can eat and have gas in the car and he does this. I can't even secretly save back money to leave this ridiculous situation because THERE IS NONE. I really messed up getting involved in this situation.

If 150 dollars is a

If 150 dollars is a significant outlay for your household.. your DH should have gotten your buy in before he made that "deal" with his son. Unfortunately, if he made a promise to.. and his son upheld his end of the bargain... he should honor the payout to his son.. barring some drastically changed circumstance (job loss.. or other significant game changer for your finances)..

Should kids be rewarded for the bare minimum? is it fair that his son gets a reward for it.. when his other child doesn't? Probably not entirely fair..but it feels like your DH was pulling all stops to get his kid back on track..and maybe that warrants some special incentive..

I don't have any problem with him talking it up really.. because positive reinforcement.. it's good.. kids should hear when they are doing the right thing.. not just yelled at for doing poorly. Is the kid on his way to a full ride scholastic scholarship? no..haha.. but he did improve over the prior year.. maybe his dad can set that next bar a bit higher?

It sounds like you have joint finances.. but when you balance him having the kids... does he really cover his fair share of the joint expenses in your home? or are you subsidizing him and his kids in more than just this one reward scenario? because maybe dad needs to be earning MORE.. a 2nd job.. better job.. to support the extra expenses that having kids means.. including rewards for academic progress.. I think it's absolutely fine to give these rewards.. but parents need to make them when they are able to be afforded.. you not being able to have new work shoes? if things are that tight.. it sounds like there are fairly large financial obstacles in your household.. and you guys either need to figure out how to earn more.. or spend less.

But.. for rewards for kids school work? I doubt the boy would have been as motivated for an ice cream sandwich.. haha.. so maybe dad DOES need to look at how to bring in more cash.

And.. sure.. kids should ultimately also learn that getting an education is a benefit for THEM.. that is the ultimate reward.. having a good life where they can earn a good living and not struggle.

I really wish that DH and BM

I really wish that DH and BM promoted the idea that getting an education is it's own reward, but they don't. They both talk about it as something you just have to get through and they don't care about grades at all. I'm the only one who cares and tried to impress that upon them. And you're so right about him needing to bring in more money. But he has a hard time just working 40 hours a week while I often work overtime. It's exhausting. But I think I will tell him that he will have to get a second job or something if he wants to do stuff like the shoes because we just don't have the money for it. We're supposed to be sacrificing and working as much as possible right now to pay off our debt so we have some breathing room, but now we have to do this crap. He just wasted money left and right. He has no idea how to manage money or budget or pay off debt. I have made a huge mistake getting financially entangled with someone like this. Everyday I get more and more frustrated with this situation but have no good solution. The only thing I can think to do is to say no from now on, no matter what he promises to the kids. I've already told him that we can't afford to do stuff like that because we are drowning in debt and he has no job right now. And if he tries to pull something and buy stuff behind my back, I'll cancel the cards and remove him from the checking account. I'm so done. I'm sick of being the responsible one, the bad guy, no fun, and sacrificing everything all the time. This is ridiculous and I'm a moron for putting up with it.

You arent a moron!

Stop that. If anyone is a moron its your DH . You sound kind, loving and forgiving. So lets get out of church and become the raving B you need to be. True story my pastors WIFE once said this exact thing to me LOL. Best advice I ever took.

First who cares if DH promised lil just passing SS expensive shoes. Thats life and DH can explain to the kid sorry no can do we have no money. Its the truth. Let your DH look like the moron in promising something he cant afford. Your DH can no longer make promises when it affects you and your finances.

Hun never beat yourself up for someone elses poor judgement.

Blessings

Keep your money in an account

Keep your money in an account only you have access to. Transfer only the amount for the check you are writing. He does not get to spend your money on himself or SS. If he's not working, is he getting unemployment money? If so, after paying BM what he legally has to provide, the rest goes into the checking for bills. Use that money immediately for a bill so that it does not disappear.

DH needs to get his priorities in order. Child support and bills first. No money left -- work 40 hours. Still not enough -- second job.

Might have to do that.

Would leaving him and cutting

Would leaving him and cutting your losses be an option you'd consider? It doesn't sound like he's doing anything to enhance your life.

Absolutely this is an option

Absolutely this is an option I would be considering.

But honestly, I can't blame the kid for being a slack performer when his own dad can't even hold down a 40/week job?

I think you need to take a hard look at where you are with all of this.

Why is he not working now? was he fired? was it a layoff where his subpar performance likely caused him to be on the chop block? did he quit..? does he have ANY skills? or is he basically min wage/unskilled? Not knocking that you have to start somewhere.. but if you are STAYING at minwage/unskilled jobs.. that is a red flag even working in fast food etc.. if you perform and learn.. you will have a chance at progression.. certainly in the trades.. you can progress from a helper to apprentice.. to skilled certificate etc... how long has your DH been working.. is he as far along as he should be? Does he have any substance issues that hold him back.. can't stay off weed.. or worse.. can't pass a drug test? does he drink so much he has trouble being on time?

Basically.. a critical and unvarnished look at why he isn't contributing when he has multiple kids in addition to himself that he should be supporting.

and.. yes.. absolutely pull the plug he has on any access to joint accounts.. credit cards. You can give him money to gas up his car to go to a job interview... that's it.

He gets to explain to his kid that the reward will be delayed until dad gets a job.. kid will likely be pissed.. but dad wrote the check.. dad will need to earn money to get it cashed.

in the balance of other things.. is your relationship at all worth saving?? in the end.. it can still be a good idea to cut losses before they get bigger.. don't ask me how I know this.. but you may be on the hook for some debt now.. but with him not working.. and spending.. it could go way up.. and be a real hell to get out of.

if you are renting.. did you both sign the lease? if so.. it might be something to see if you could take over lease yourself.. or break it and move back with frieinds or family? get yoursel straight so you don't have the debt over your head..

but your so does nothing because you are overcompensating for him!

It would be very hard for

It would be very hard for either of us to get by alone and we don't really have anyone that can help us out.

My DH is bad at finances too.

My DH is bad at finances too. He was in debt, would, and still does avoid opening his mail, ignores his account balances. So before we married I did several things.

Told him we would never combine finances so long as the SDs were in school, including college.

Started a joint 'house account where we both put in 50% of the monthly house costs like mortgage, utilities, etc. came out of. There was a little extra put in just in case. You may not be able to do this if he's not employed, but you can still set up an account like this for yourself to pay and track general costs.

DH had the joint account debit card and checkbook taken away from him by me. He started using the joint account for his personal purchases when he ran out of money. NOPE. You spend too much and run out it won't effect me.

I opened his mail and made sure he paid his bills. As a result he's much better now. He's set up auto withdrawal for things and is ok with me checking his mail and letting him know when something needs to be paid. This doesn't happen often now.

I refused to marry him until he proved he could control his spending and get a job for a longer term and not just stop working because he was tired of work (he's in IT as a contractor) because I would not support him and the SDs.

The good thing is he really agreed with me and this all worked out for the best. If your SO refuses to listen and change, that's a big problem. And you should serve nothing but sandwiches for meals to save grocery money.