So lost and don't know what to do.
I want a divorce. I know my current situation isn't healthy for me or my daughter. However, I don't know how I can divorce, knowing that he will get 50/50 custody. I know that won't be good for her.
I have 2 stepkids that are with us full time. I have seen how he "parents" those kids (he doesn't). They are both screwed up now because of it. One is in legal trouble and the other one is traumatized. He is doing similar things with our daughter, but I stop it as much as I can. I know that when I leave, it will just be worse for her.
I still want her to have a relationship with him, but know 50% of the time is way too much and will cause her harm. I don't want her to be shut in her room all the time like my stepkids were. I don't want stuff thrown in her direction because he is mad. I don't want her to have to deal with being yelled at just for being a kid. I don't want her to deal with being pushed aside for a new partner. I don't want her to deal with him ignoring her needs because he is afraid of upsetting his mommy and daddy.
But apparently none of this matters in a court because it is "different kids" and a "different situation." I am honestly not sure if I can talk him into giving me primary custody.
What do I do knowing no matter what option I choose, it will likely harm my baby?
Have you actually sought
Have you actually sought legal counsel? Are your stepkids you mention adults or minors living in the home.. (or if adults.. are they in the home also?)
I hope that the authorities were involved in the SA situation with the skids... and the reality is that your husband's behavior sounds abusive if he is throwing things at his children.
Do you think he really wants any custody? or do you think he would do it to be mean.. or to avoid paying CS.
I wonder if he was approached with the possibility of his son's and his own behavior issues seeing the bright light of day that he might be willing to agree to more limited visitation with your daughter?
Or.. if it comes down to it.. would you be willing to forego getting support from him if it meant he didn't exercise any visitation?
You are in a tough spot.. and you need to get a lawyer.. and a very good one.. it will not be pretty.. but it seems like staying in this relationship for another 14 years is not going to be a great option and in the end... you may need to pay now to get out of a bad decision.
The stepkids are 15 and 16.
The stepkids are 15 and 16. He has full custody of both of them. CPS was involved with the SA and the abuser is in a treatment facility.
Him throwing things at them/in their direction was a couple of times, and no evidence.
He wants custody so he doesn't have to pay me/for appearances, and probably to keep his control over me.
I did talk to a lawyer. She is the one who said that the stepkids don't matter. the only thing that may matter is what may happen with the abuser when he gets out, but currently since it is so far off, even that doesn't matter currently. I didn't even get a chance to tell her most of his parenting of his kids before she said it doesn't matter.
I honestly don't know how to take that. I have never talked to a lawyer before about anything. I'm not sure if she was just trying to get the most general information in the limited time we had, if it truly doesn't matter no matter what, if i'm overreacting, etc.
Towards the end of the meeting, I asked how custody might go if it ends up at trial and she said she had no idea because she only has a few details about the case.
If you feel the lawyer you
If you feel the lawyer you have met with isn't a good match for you.. then find another one. You have to have a lawyer you feel is on your side... but also one that will be honest with you.
Perhaps she is being honest in that your "opinion" that he wasn't an effective father as you evidence by how his kids are now (one a SA perpetrator).. is not necessarily going to sway a court to prevent him from having custody time with your shared child.
If you are not able to show that he or his home is an actual danger (not just you don't agree with his parenting.. ).. he is likely to get time with your daughter and it well could be 50/50.
I mean, clearly what happened with his older and younger son isn't good.. but whether his actual parenting caused it? Whether he should have known better? well.. there are parents that are wholly surprised by what their kids do.. he wouldn't be the first.
There is a likelihood you would get at least 50/50.. if you can't show an actual danger in his home.. the issue with the older son and where he might go after he is out of his facility.. well.. they probably won't prevent dad from having time now for some unknown in the future.
And.. I disagree that you can't overcom poor parenting in your home... My SD's didn't have the healthiest mother situation.. she was volatile emotionally.. and I wouldn't rule out her doing something like throwing a hairbrush in anger or something.. she ran hot and cold with the girls.. but you know what? they are both "pretty fine".. and know that some of what their mom did wasn't right.. but also know their mom is a bit challened emotionally.. they love her.. but are also wise to her. (they are both adults now).
And.. you being in the home? well.. you can't monitor your DH 24/7.. so it's not like your daughter will never be exposed to his parenting anyway.
But.. I would try to find another lawyer.. and I would also take real stock of the issues you have with his parenting.. are outbursts very common.. or were they in response to unusual situations.. if you had cameras in the home.. would you capture the outbursts.. or are they pretty rare?
Though not ideal, being exposed to his shit 50% rather than 100%
of the time is not you harming your DD. It is far better to keep his time and influence to 50% rather than the 100% that both you and the DD are suffering now.
Distance is a benefit. A CO is a benefit and tool for managing the situation. If his kids are near adult age, odds are he will not want a ton of time with a young child and may just remain mostly in the background.
That is how it worked with my SS's Spermidiot. Our cross to bear was SpermGrandHag. DW had full physical legal from birth. She filed for paternity and CS a couple of months before her son turned 1yo. The Judge ruled on paternity, confirmed full physical and legal custody for my wife, and ordered a pittance in CS.
A couple of months later she moved out of State for college. That is where we met. When the small town grapevine informed SpermGrandHag that she was seeing someone, the Hag forged her idiot son's signature and initiated a custody suit. My then not yet bride's first response was to get a lawyer of her own and highlight the fraudulent custody suit and forgery on the filing documents. In typical small town bullshit, rather than having her ass arrested, the Judge allowed them to re-file new paperwork under the Spermidiot's actual signature.
9mos after she had gotten the notification of the custody attempt by the SpermClan we were in court. The Judge reconfirmed full physical and legal custody for my wife (we married 5days prior to the hearing), raised CS from $110/mo to $133/mo, and ordered 7wks/yr of long distance visitation. One day after the hearing our son turned 2yo.
The Spermidiot took almost none of his visitation over the 16 years we lived under that CO. Though the SpermGrandHag did. As detestable as the Hag is, SS spending time with her was far better than him being exposed to his serial statutory rapist POS sperm source.
Play the long game, do not be kind to your STBX and do not let emotion get in the way of protecting your child. No child should have to be forced to spend more time than necessary with a substandard adult. That is never in the best interests of the child even with the delusions of the family law court system.
IMHO of course.
Play to win, play to protect the best interests of your little one and of yourself.
Don't forget to take care of you. You cannot take care of your LO if you do not care for yourself.
Our son will turn 33 fairly shortly. 6 days before that my bride and I will celebrate our 31itt wedding anniversary. Since that court date approaching 31 years ago our son has proven himself to be a man of honor, character, and standing in his life, profession, and community. As a juxtaposition, he has three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas that include one who is on the dole, one who is in prison on a long sentence for felony armed burglary, and one who is not far behind the inmate.
We never intended to, attempted, or prevented our son from having a relationship with his BioDad. The Spermidiot rarely if ever engaged. There were multiple periods of a year or more where they refused all visitation and several more periods of a year or more where SpermGrandHag took the visitation and our son never saw his BioDad. When it became apparent that the Spermidiot was not engaging in his visitation and dumping the kid on his Hag of a mother or even the baby's GGPs, we attempted to get the CO updated requiring him to be present for all of his COd visitation. Nope, the Judge ruled that what the Spermidiot did with his visitation was up to him and if he wanted to give it to his Hag of a mother, etc, so be it.
Take care of your DD. Take care of yourself.
Thank you. I know 50% is
Thank you. I know 50% is better than 100% and needed to be reminded of that, it still breaks my heart. I hate how the court systems work. Yes, a child should have both parents in their life as long as they aren't a complete danger, but I hate how they often default to 50/50 even when one parent is clearly better than the other for the kids day to day needs. She would be better off with him a few hours a day multiple times/week rather than full weeks at a time.
Why not try 2/2/3.
Why not try 2/2/3.
Parent one M/T
Parent two W/T
Parent one F/S/S
parent two M/T
Parent one T/W
Parent two F/S/S
See.. you end up alternating the weekends and splitting M-Th 50/50.
It would give you time to reset behaviors more often.. not have her with him for long stretches. (and if he bails on some of those switches.. all the better right?)
The thing is that they are really trying to not bias when they do 50/50.. "better" parent is subjective.. sure there are some extremes.. but is the parent with the better home to get preference.. or the one that is more educated? or the one that can bamboozle the judge best as to who is "better".. so absent real abuse they try to not take that part into account too terribly much... sometimes someone can make themselves look better.. when in reality they aren't.
OP if you are in danger, if
OP if you are in danger, if your child is in danger physically or mentally, do not pass go, get OUT.
Finding a good lawyer can be difficult. It was for difficult to find a qualified one for my problems recently so I know. You need to find one that has YOUR interest at heart and not one that wants to settle easily so the case is over and he can move on.
A woman's shelter in your area may be a contact. They would know which lawyers are worth their salt and which ones are not for situations such as yours.
My mental health has suffered
My mental health has suffered greatly because of him. I know her mental health would be affected if she was with him half the time. He broke me over the years. I have been in therapy for a year and thought I was doing better, but I have been having a really hard time this past week.
I thought I had found a good lawyer. There were many reviews that I read saying that this lawyer was really good, helped them get more than they wanted, that she fought hard for them, was there for them more than just as a lawyer, etc.
Like others have said, find a
Like others have said, find a good lawyer--one who gets your situation and who is a champion of children. On local Facebook pages, I have seen people post anonymously asking for info on finding a pit bull attorney. The responses came from people with firsthand experience and appeared to be extremely helpful.
Do you live in a state where recording another person without their knowledge is legal?
You think your husband will only want 50-50,to save money? Maybe, through your attorney, you can negotiate with him.
Best of luck to you in what sounds like a very difficult situation. Keep us posted.
I agree.. it may end up being
I agree.. it may end up being a negotiation.. perhaps he would want less time.. if she was willing to accept less or no CS.. at what point is her daughter's safety worth it.. (if it is a safety issue)
That is how I found the one
That is how I found the one that I did. facebook posts asking about good lawyers. The one I chose was recommended by a few different people, saying she was a pitbull, etc.
I live in a state where both/all parties need to be aware of being recorded, i've already looked into that.
I know he is mostly worried about money. That is all he cared about when he went through his first divorce, not wanting to have to give his ex any money.
The only thing that is allowing me to hold on by a thread is knowing that I am basically entitled to 50% of his assets accumulated during the marriage (200k total between banks, house, retirement, etc.).
The lawyer did confirm that if he can't buy me out, he would be forced to sell the house to pay me my portion. I know this will piss him off. The lawyer also said that I could "buy" more custody by giving up going for alimony. I am willing to give up some assets, but not everything.
I am hoping that the thought of him having to sell the house if it went to trail would get him to give me primary custody, but I honestly don't know with him. I can also see him not wanting to setlle hoping it would get me to drop the whole thing and just stay with him. Not going to happen.
Those are not his assets. Those are marital assets.
Get that crap out of your head. This guy is a mean asshole. He has not earned kind or consideration.
So, do not sacrifice your well being and financial security over misplaced fee fees and worries. Let your pit bull manage the interface and the process. Do not settle for less than half. He can either provide your half of assets that are not the house, they buy you out of the house with his portion of the non house assets or he can sell. If the house is that important to him the offer for him to keep it and give every other asset to you and.... primary physical and legal custody with only a visitation schedule may be a leverage point that your pit bull can leverage.
Divorce does not make anything all about the kids. If anything, it makes confidence, intelligence, and absolute and full commitment to forcing nothing but reasonable behavior from the opposition in the situation. Of course that necessitates that you are reasonable as well.
In the words of the immortal James Dalton, be nice until it is time to not be nice. Though IMHO nice has no place in a divorce from a toxic partner. Confidence, protecting your interests and your child's interests are the priority. There is no duty owed to the STBX.
Take care of you, take care of your child.