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So angry at DH and need to know if i'm being irrational...

sunshinex's picture

As many know, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant. I'm still working full-time. My husband works full-time as well. We both try to split housework evenly but I do pretty much all of the cooking as he doesn't cook much. Even with my being exhausted and sick (still dealing with morning sickness) I try to cook at least 3-4 healthy, wholesome meals a week. The other couple nights might be kraft dinner, grilled cheese, you know, simple things.

Yesterday I did a bunch of freezer meal prep for when baby arrives, and I think I must have overdid it because when I went to go to sleep last night, I felt so sick and overall not well. This morning, I let my boss know i'd work a half-day (i work from home) because I was feeling miserable. He was fine with it as I haven't taken a sick day my whole pregnancy so no big deal.

I worked that half-day from bed and haven't left my bed since. When I get up, I feel like i'm going to be ill. My husband has brought me drinks and a couple snacks throughout the day, but as dinner was getting closer, I was hoping he would offer to make something as I still haven't felt well enough to get out of bed. He didn't offer anything.

Eventually I could hear him downstairs cooking and felt hopeful - of course it would surely be soup or macaroni or something but who cares, it's food, and at this point, I was super hungry despite being so nauseous. HE DIDN'T BRING ME ANYTHING. I went down an hour later and him/SD are still eating. I grabbed my car key and drove to the closest drive through.

When I got home, I told him I wanted to talk. I asked him why he hadn't thought to make his pregnant wife who is not well at all, who slaves in the kitchen every night regardless of how unwell I feel, dinner. He said "I thought you were sick".... SO I DON'T NEED TO EAT? BABY DOESN'T NEED ANYTHING? I'm so angry and he doesn't understand why.

I feel so unimportant... Like who cares that she cooks and cleans and never stops working hard to take care of us?! We'll just eat dinner while she starves! It's hurtful and he doesn't see why. I don't know if i'm being irrational due to the hormones but I can't stop crying and he's just ignoring it saying he didn't think i'd want anything.

Tryingmybest22's picture

I can see my husband sadly doing the same thing and I can see myself reacting the same way. I think you need to choose your battles. I would tell your husband it really hurt your feelings bc of how crappy your feeling and how much you normally do you feel like the least he could do is take care of you when your sick. My husband is a great father and husband and I can seriously see him reacting the same way. He probably seriously just assumed you didn't want anything. You know men are very different from us and really need to be told sometimes things that are common sense to us. I would be upset about it but try to let it go. I bet he wasn't trying to hurt you.

sunshinex's picture

That's what upsets me. If you HONESTLY thought I didn't need to eat dinner (at 36 weeks pregnant??? with a 6 pound baby??) than why not ask and confirm instead of being selfish and making yourself something. He won't even discuss it. Just keeps saying he was being considerate by not bothering me.

IslandGal's picture

What the hell! What an inconsiderate jerk!! I'd be going on strike now. Just cook for yourself and keep his ass in the dog house until he apologises and makes it up to you. Dont do ANYTHING ELSE for him. Asshole.

sunshinex's picture

Ugh I swear he's not usually this inconsiderate... I don't know what is up with him, but I am most definitely going to stop cooking for him/SD and start making myself food from here on out. Which sucks for him because I've been on a roll cooking delicious meals every single night for the past little while.

LostinSpaceandTime's picture

Yes he could have checked if you were awake and asked if you wanted anything. Even just toast and tea if you were sick to your stomach.
However be direct with him next time...text him from the bedroom to let him know what you need.
He needs to help you when the baby comes too so he may as well get some practice in.

Don't let it stress you out. Just stop doing more than you want to do for now and ask for more help and care in a direct manner.
Get a bell to put next to your bed to call him if you have to.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Stop cooking, he will get the message in about 3 days, maybe less....still, no cooking until he is on his knees with an apology. I would give it at least a week, even with a very sincere apology.

notsobad's picture

You are very pregnant and your hormones are all over the place.

Yes, it was very inconsiderate of him to not even check to see if you wanted anything to eat, even tea and toast.
However, you are making too big of a deal out of this.

He thought you were sick. It's as simple as that. You are feeling undervalued and uncared for. He just thought you wouldn't want to eat because you were sick.

Take some deep breaths, try to feel better and let it go. It's hormones. He loves you and will cook for you if you ask him to.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

I think this is the best answer. Marriage isn't about keeping score, after all. If you do anything else (like say, NOT COOK to get even or get your message across) it will surely come across as being petty. Especially if you all have kinda assumed that this is one of your roles in the house.

Chalk it up to a lesson learned in communication. Maybe from now on, he will ask you. Or you will let him know that you would appreciate if he could handle supper, since you are not feeling well.

But I am so sorry that you are feeling underappreciated hun. Pregnancy hormones can have you crying at every commercial that comes on tv.

mro's picture

So he does roughly half the housework, brought you snacks and drinks during g the day, and you're mad at him because he didn't read your mind? Did you possibly indicate you were not hungry? Or that you needed to rest? Did he just cook for the 2 of them or was there enough for you?

I would be PO'd too if he just cooked for 2. Otherwise just let it go. I get it, you're nesting, but try not to overdo it next time. Can't you cut back on your work schedule? When I hit 36 weeks I went to half days.

still learning's picture

Some people need to be told exactly what to do and taught how to treat you, your DH is likely one them. He sounds like a neanderthal who loves you but is stuck in "man hungry must eat mode." He wasn't worried about you since you were in bed *being taken care of.* In his prehistoric mind he'd want to be left alone and not eat when he was feeling ill so why wouldn't you?

Nope, he doesn't get it, can't read your mind and likely never will. You're going to have to let him know what you need and how to take care of you. Before the baby is born you'll want to sit him down and let him know that you're going to be out of commission for awhile and he'll need to pick up the slack. You've got a few weeks, better start training him now!

ESMOD's picture

I think I would have had my feelings hurt too.. it would have been good to ask.

However, I can kind of see his POV. He maybe thought you were off food and wouldn't want dinner. I mean, he HAD brought you stuff during the day so...

Here is something I read somewhere. If you have a situation and it can be taken two ways... a nice way and a bad way and the person on the other end is someone that loves you then it was probably not meant in a bad way. In other words, he probably didn't mean to ignore your needs.. just made an incorrect assumption.

beebeel's picture

He was pouting because he had to cook. I can't believe all the excuses I've read for this man being so inconsiderate. He didn't ask you or bring you anything because he didn't want to cook and he was being passive aggressive. No excuses for his dick move.

My DH did the same dann thing to me when I was about 38 weeks pregnant. He's lucky to be alive.

sammigirl's picture

You are not being irrational; you have every right to be angry. I suggest you ask him to help in the kitchen and the entire house, until you get on your feet, long after birth of your new baby. Congratulations and hope it goes well.

I learned to ask and delegate. When you are this ill and you have a new baby coming, your plate is full. Ask DH to fix you something to eat, ask DH to bring you something to drink or snack on. When you feel like it, ok; but you need your rest, so take it. Also ask DH to help with all household chores from now on; they should be helping all the time. Have an earnest talk about this being a 50% household. You didn't mention how old your SD is? I would include her in the chores also.

My DH was excellent to help me for 30 years; then I retired, so he retired from his chores. Actually DH became disabled to the point that I do most all of it now; but for 30 years he served me a cup of coffee every morning, before my feet hit the floor. He was always good to cook and help clean up, because I was working full time and he was home with his disability. He helped with everything, including laundry. I had to ask and he was excellent to respond.

Now is a good time to get this going your way. Good Luck with your delivery. Smile

My Grandmother (mentor) always said; "If you feel you are doing more than your share, you are probably just doing your share". Men tend to not multitask and therefore, they just don't see the chores lying right under their nose; but if I ask, my DH will help, even today. You shouldn't have to ask, but even after 37 years, I still have to ask.

theoldredhen's picture

Oh Hon,

Your hormones are taking over your brain! Men are, by virtue of their biology, thoughtless and literal. Because you said nothing to your husband about appetite (and failed to bounce a brick off his head), he truly believed that you were unwell and not hungry. Particularly since you're still suffering from morning sickness/nausea.

I'm sure that he loves you very much! Now that you've explained your feelings about the inequity in your responsibilities, he'll probably make a bigger effort to help out. You have to TELL men; otherwise they just don't get it.

Pregnant is such a fraught, emotional time. You're probably schlepping around, feeling huge and ungainly, wishing that it was all over and you'd have your body back, yes? It's not much longer!

hereiam's picture

I was super hungry despite being so nauseous.

Why did you not tell him that and ask him to bring you something to eat?

Yes, he could have asked you, but so could you have said something.

SugarSpice's picture

this is really enabling a man to be thoughtless. a truly caring husband does not have to be told to be considerate of a sick spouse.

notsobad's picture

I disagree with you.

He isn't a mind reader. He'd checked on her earlier in the day. He hadn't abandoned her.
He knew she wasn't feeling well and was nauseous.

Maybe he thought he WAS being considerate by leaving her alone and letting her rest.

When I'm sick, I don't want anyone near me. I want to be left completely alone. If I need anything I'll ask for it.

The first time I was sick with DH, he drove me nuts checking on me every 1/2 hour. I had to get angry to get him to leave me alone.
BM had been the opposite, she wanted him to sit at her bedside while she slept and be there if she needed a cool cloth or a drink of water.

sunshinex's picture

Thank you all! This really helped me think a bit more logically about the situation. I woke up this morning angry and he was like "wow, women really are weird... are you still upset about dinner?" so i explained that it made me feel unimportant and uncared for, and he stuck to his story that he literally thought i was too sick to eat and didn't want to bother me while i was relaxing. I definitely believe that's the case, and I should have just asked for something instead of waiting for him to read my mind... lol women are most certainly weird, aren't we?

SugarSpice's picture

your husband was inconsiderate. sadly most men are not trained to be thoughtful to others. there is a real gender gap in how children are raised to be nurturing or not.

its good you let him know your feelings though.

some men are so indulged by their mothers that they have not been taught to think of the needs of others.

its odd though because dh will trip over himself to offer to his skids.

theoldredhen's picture


So glad that you're feeling better and more open to your husband's explanation of the facts as HE understood them. Hurt fee fees are tough to handle at best of times, let alone during those final weeks of pregnancy.

Hon, you mentioned that your DH brought you snacks and drinks yesterday, certainly not the conduct of a selfish man. Quite frankly, that is far more consideration than I EVER got from my ex, the father of my son.

Just keep that brick handy.....

moeilijk's picture

It's really easy to slip into patterns that don't work.

In your shoes, I'd work on asking specifically for what you want. If you texted him from bed to say, "DH, would you please bring me some of the dinner you're making?" then you both know that he knows what you'd like him to do. It will be clear if your DH is being an ass or not. You don't need the additional drama of wondering what he's thinking (if he's thinking!) right now.

SugarSpice's picture

you have every right to be angry and you are not irrational.

when my dh is around his children the world stands still so i can understand.

for instance dh invited adult sd to dinner and prepared a gourmet meal that he slaved over.

sd was sitting at the breakfast nook and chatting with her father while he cooked. there is only room for two people at the nook.

i was tidying the kitchen and dh serves a portion to me on the counter. imagine my surprise when dh serves sd at the nook and then sits down beside her to eat. he did not invite us all to sit in the dining room to eat together. i gathered that i was left to eat standing up in the kitchen from the counter.

i finished tidying and left to do other chores around the house, leaving the two love birds to eat together. it was not until after they had finished their meal and sat in the living room to watch the television. i took one bite from my meal from the counter and threw the rest in the trash.

i was infuriated.

a man who is so engrossed with his child while his sick and pregnant wife is a thoughtless fool. he should have asked you if he could get you anything such as a drink or light food.

i find that my dh will always disappoint me. he lavishes his money on his thankless spoiled children and i get leftovers.

Acratopotes's picture

Of Sunny - men are simple beings... he truly thought he was doing you a huge huge favor by making dinner for him and SD and not disturbing you....... when you calmed down you can ask him and he will confirm, he thought he was being attentive cause he made sure his kid is cared for and quiet.... he concentrated so much on that, he simply forgot you might be hungry Hon...

Now if this should happen again simply wait till they are done eating and then smile and text him, I'm starving you mind popping out and getting me a salad/burger/ice cream.... boil me an egg or 2 .... I promise you he will jump and not get angry..