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Small Town Madness

weightedworld's picture

Had a run in with BFs mother this weekend. My mother, myself, and 4 kiddos went out to eat after sons practice and in pulled BFs mother and his daughter. 

We haven't seen daughter in a little over 2 months. Things have been going really great. Had some kick back from her dad during the process. He would bring it up and then when the conversation wasn't any different he would drop the conversation. I finally sat him down and put the topic front and center and we discussed it. I said all that I had to say and why I felt the way I did and that I wasn't retracting and was not willing to try again. Not that he likes it (who would) but he understands where I am coming from and if he was in my shoes he can't say that it would be much different. 

So the way things work now is on the weekends that he has her he takes her to his moms and they spend the weekend there. Grandma has always been the highly devoted Grandma and tends to forget that she has 3 other grandkids seeing the others very little and our two, she hasn't also seen in 2 months. Things have been going very well in the house and it's gotten to the point now where he will take her to his moms and spend some time with her and then he will come back home when things get rough. 

At the end of the day.. he has a super hard time with her as well. For the last 3 years it has been everyone else getting the brunt of the effects she has on him instead of her getting them. The last couple visits when things get rocky he comes home.

Back to that in a minute..

So we are waiting for our food to come out and in pulls Grandma. Very awkward eye contact, my mom rolls down my window and she asks if the kids are with us. I said yes and she asked if she could see them. Yes! I rolled down the back window and she gets out and my 1 yr old instantly starts screaming hysterically. She asks if it was okay to open the door and I said yes. She asked granddaughter if she wants to see them and then tells her to get out of the car. She doesn't say more than hi to them and continuously asks Grandma to get back in the car (sorry for messing up your 1-on-1 dearest) Grandma proceeds to tell me that she would really like to see the kids and she would appreciate if I allow her to do that. (What!?) I instantly got the feeling as if she feels I am keeping them from her. 

She then proceeds to tell me that she granddaughter really needs to see the kids and if I don't want her at the house than she can bring her to the park and we can meet there, that is very important and again she would appreicate it and it's just the right thing to do. All while she is batting her eye lids and her eyes are rolled so far back in her head that it looks as if she is possessed and of course with her nasty little smirk. 

Granddaughter has not asked about the kids in these two months. I've been witness myself hearing them ASK her if she misses them, ASKS her if she wants to see them, the one year old is freshly walking by a couple weeks, ASKING her if she wants to see him walk. ect. ect. you get the point. It's never her initiating it. She could care less as she LOVES the attention she gets all to herself.

My mom was not impressed with her attitude and I had a deep infuriation burning that I couldn't quite pinpoint so I put that towards the back and will deal with that some other time. Holy Hell! (BTW, our 1 year old did not stop hysterically screaming until we left the parking lot)

We get home and I come out to the vehicle to get things rounded up and inside and my daughter comes up to me in what I would say a sad/worried voice and goes "Mom, does that mean _______ is coming back?" I said no, honey, it doesn't. She goes "Okay! Gets a smile on her face and takes off running to go back into the house. As if a huge weight just lifted off her shoulders. 

I later talked to BF and he said that his mom told him that she had seen us. I asked if she said anything about it and he said that she mentioned that she said she wanted to see the kids and meeting in the park. I asked if he knew what I was talking about when she gets real sarcastic/bitchy like eye roll/smirk/fluterring her eyes he's like yeah why and I said well thats how she was during our conversation and he's like "ooh" "well at least nobody ended up killing each other" :| 

I'm questioning how to get him to a degree, especially his mother, but anyone else on that side of the fence to realize that that little girl is to no concern of mine!! I don't care if she is well or if she is not or what she wants or what she needs. She has people in her own circle to assure that things are okay for her and it is to no responsibility of mine to bat an eye in her direction. I feel like sceaming "What part of DONE don't you understand!" 

I don't care if she "wants" to see her brother and sister. As far as I am concerned their only link is by blood to no fault of their own and I will be damned if I put my kids through any of her trauma and inability to share any part of their family because she is so god forsaken rotten. 

I have come up with 2 conclusions in the last couple of weeks. His mother does not believe any of what has been said BF is defending not only me but himself in all of this because his mother thinks I am making it all up and am jealous of this girl so I'm trying to get rid of her. She has also told BF that he should have never had our two kids not just with me but with anyone because he has his daughter. WWWWHAT?! And she really does think I am keeping the kids from her since I don't want her granddaughter around. The first comment.. the second comment, the lady can fuck allllll the way out of me and my kids lives! WOW! 

So, back to him. When we sat down and put the topic front and center I asked him to please have an open conversation here because he is doing no one any favors, I needed to know where he stood and if he supported and understood me or not. He opened up about how she affects him too but he feels obligated since she is his daughter and at times she can be really good but said that if he doesn't give her 100% of his attention and do exactly what she wants she's terrible and said "I see it, I'm not stupid" 

Saturday, he went over there in the morning (he worked late Friday night and his mother picked her up) and he was not even there an HOUR and he calls me bitching at me for random little things, I blew up. He hasn't done that in a while so it must have been good. It took me 1.5 years to realize that whenever she got under his skin he would take it out especially on me with little nit-picking things because there was no reason for him to be upset with me. I told him he had not even been there for an hour and he can turn his happy little ass around and look at his daughter and his mother and take it out on them! And not to call me back and I'm pretty sure I through in a fuck off as well and hung up on him. 

I honestly feel bad for him to be in such a spot, not that he didn't create it, but the girl has a couple diagnosis' that she needs medication and therapy for and her mom has an older child with the same diagnosis but is far worse and so she thinks the girl is just fine because she doesn't act like him. Which she doesn't have supports for him going either or he would be better as well. But who I am. 

BF hands are literally tied. He isn't the custodial parent, anything has to go through HCBM to be done, she denies it is an issue, he only has her on the weekends and so couldn't do anything, and he can't just go scoop her up during the week to go to an appt because he's not the custodial parent. 

I know he's at his whits end with the situation and not that I see him walking away from it any time soon, I foresee it happening in the future because with her diagnosis she will only begin to regress and get worse than what she is now. It was nice for him to actually open up and talk about it so I seen his point of view. And I'm glad I finally have the understanding from him even if it was hard for him to admit it. 

He came back on Sunday morning and did some work around the house until it was time for her to go back to her moms. He then went back and said bye and came back home. 

Welcome to my shit show! 




S_mum's picture

So when his messed-up daughter, (who is so messed up in part due to his s*hitty parenting) starts acting up, he just leaves. Instead of dealing with the mess *he* helped create, he just walks away and lets his  mother deal with her. This guy is incredibly selfish.

This sh*it makes me so mad, I just can't...

he only has her on the weekends and so couldn't do anything

He cannot even handle her during those weekends, let alone if he were to have her for a longer period of time. 

weightedworld's picture

I understand the judgement here, my mother feels the exact same way and she doesn't like the kid neither. At any point I welcome her or anyone to jump in his shoes because as a passenger I'm ready to grab the wheel and take the damn vehicle off the road myself. 

I'm really to a point in the situation that I can't even wrap my head around to where it has came to in the last 3 years. I was also told of her rare diagnosis and it's like this common diagnosis and I didn't pay much attention to it. Thought oh no problem. I have actually spent hours researching this to come up with some conclusion after some deep thoughts over the last 3 years. Turns out her diagnosis is actually a big one and her "like" common diagnosis is actually diagnosis *+* common diagnosis *+* a whole list of other diagnosis'. I just actually wanted to scream. Remember, I work in mental health and this is NOT my circus. 

I really don't want to defend him here because how she is towards him is his fault, there is no doubt about that. He's been a doormat since before she was even born and it has continued ever since. He is working on some things currently to basically regain some .. oh I don't know.. balls and taking back his life. It's actually quite cool and empowering to see him regaining the control of his life/actions/just everything and the light in his eyes like he's been tossed under a rock for so damn long. The taller he stands on his feet the uglier HCBM and his mother gets and I don't let him stand in the corner and quiver to them anymore and so the target on my back has gotten bigger as well. Let em fly!! 

I don't think he's ever had someone flat out say "no, this/that is not okay"