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Future Step mom over stepping

weightedworld's picture

I'm a little peeved with exhb fiance. . . 

Sons soccer game.. let's run across the field to give him big hugs and make a big scene. 

Game lasts for 45 min, they rotate depending on how many players attend for the day and when they sit, it's 2 mins. In those 2 mins she is over there giving him candies, fruit chews, ect. During a time out on the side of the field she is running in there. I've even tried telling her to stop, she then discussed it with my ex in his language, and I responded back.. I guess he forgot to mention.. haha. 

75% of the reason we divorced was because he was an absent father.. during soccer I have pictures of him running to the middle of the field with the coaches during time outs. On the mats during wrestling, when there is a strict no parent meddling between wrestler/coach.

I just was told today that "he exhb" would sign up for another sport and I could sign our other child up for the other. This particular activity has been my baby since they've been old enough to join. It so happens when we scheduled our visitation I made sure to have that particular day land on my time. 

I want to really just blow a gasket here.. BACK OFF *****MY******* kids!!!!! I had to go walk a few laps. I've politely asked him to have her back off and he responds confused as he doesn't know what I am talking about. She will be his wife and their step mom.. NOT their fully functioning and lets not forget CAPABLE Mom! 

lieutenant_dad's picture

I have nothing against involved SPs, and I give a lot of grace to SPs who overstep because they are overzealous, didn't know, were new, etc. However, once an active parent says "hey, back off", the SP needs to back off.

As much as I hate the BM in my life and think she's a worthless parent, her word trumps mine (okay, maybe less now that she has abandoned her parenting duties, but that's a separate thing). And I have swallowed my pride and bit my tongue more than once to enforce something with the boys that she has asked of them.

Very liberally use the word "no" with her when you're around. When you're not there, if she wants to look like an idiot, let her. But you wouldn't be wrong to tell her to take several seats and participate like a grandparent or aunt - from the sidelines, cheering the kids on. If it becomes a situation where PAS is happening, I highly recommend an updated - and strictly followed - CO.

secret's picture

I get wanting her to back off... but she's giving him food and hugs.. what are so threatened about??

Would you rather she ignore the kid altogether? Not give him snacks? Not make him feel loved by his father's wife?

Again.. I get wanting her to back off... but from What, exactly?

weightedworld's picture

Loved - babied = two entirely different things

My kiddos are 6 & 7 and believe it or not have names that aren't "baby" 

On my weekend, I handed my son a bottle of water for his game unbeknownst she was behind me with the bag of goods which included water on the ready. The look of disappointment on her face was almost comical. 

I'd invite you a front row to this shit show any day so you could be your very own judge. 

This all has been a bit much. 

I've also had other parents comment and have heard the laughter and discussion from groups of fans on the sidelines.

MissK03's picture

So you guys are making fun of future step mom while at the game? I mention in my comment below that not a single "mom" tried talking to me at games. It sounds like you (and other parents) are part of the click I was explaining. 

Not trying to offend you because you might not realize you're even doing it. 

I do agree she is overstepping with the signing up and that is your ex husbands fault. Not hers. 

weightedworld's picture

Nope, one gal was a classmate of mine and she asked if that was the new gal. I said yes. She said well isn't she just a lovely addition, I said yep and we began talking about the kids. 

I don't need to sit and discuss the behaviors everyone is witnesessing themselves. Is there conversation going on that I am absolutely sure of, but I am not part of it. Largely because I feel the burden enough already I don't need to hear whats exactly being said. 

We come from a small area.. small enough that there are kindergarten/1st graders making up the team. There isn't any cliques - theres not enough people for that, haha. 


secret's picture

Have you tried making it crystal clear that while you appreciate that she's taken an effort in the kids.. that maybe she should just take a supportive role during games / matches and not try to be over the top?

She may very well be, in her own way, trying to shiw the kids, their dad, and you that she's there for them, so to speak, she just ain't talking your lingo when it comes to the kids

Maybe just a frank comment that if she could refrain from trying to supplement you when it's your time things would go more smoothly since what she's doing is overstepping... or the sickly sweet way... just saying she doesn't have to do all that extra when it's your time, you don't want the kids to be spoiled

LittleCloud9's picture

Honestly, she will probably burnout and settle down fairly soon. She's probably going over the top because she wants the kids to like her. It's normal. She might bug your ex to be more involved. 
Most likely though she will run out of enthusiasm before long and back off. try to be patient. Changes in life are not easy for anyone, especially kids, so your  patience will benefit them.

tog redux's picture

I think this falls under the category of things you can't control - she's not harming the kids. Most likely the coaches will eventually tell her to back off.  Don't be the insecure ex, this will blow over.

weightedworld's picture

I really haven't said much at all except for the instance of the skittles trying to be givin mid game. Let him focus and back off is my thought process.

How would you personally handle a step parent signing a kid up for activity when as a parent you've always done so? Does that make me an insecure ex?

Both parents have to sign the waiver.. but yet "their" taking care of it. *thinkin face* How so? 



LittleCloud9's picture

While im all for cutting new sms some slack that is pretty forward. And she's not really the sm yet it sounds like. It's nice she's excited but this is a process to be eased into. I am a full time sm for several years now. I still have hubby fill out any and all paperwork that calls for a parent/guardian signature. Even if you have to let her know "thanks but I prefer to take care of this" try not to get too upset. There's a learning curve to being a step. She needs to learn the boundaries in this new step life and for your kids sake a peaceful relationship is best. 
you might eventually find it helpful to have another person you can count on to help with kids stuff. Letting her help or play a role in their lives will never diminish your value as a mom. But you do need to see if she's a good and reliable person first.

weightedworld's picture

I agree 100%

They've been together for a year and it's gradually getting worse. 

Even a little communication goes a long ways but there is 0 here. 

Knowing she's reaching out to receive registration in some cases just gets under my skin. Largely due to the fact that these are coaches I've dealt with and created relationships with and some I had as coaches myself, now all of a sudden someone is doing it for me? 

At the beginning of the school year it was school supply shopping. - I had already purchased (fav time of year) and told him we were doing it, instead he allowed her to go ahead and do it anyway all online. What was the point? And then his response turned to they would just do their own for their house. Umm what? 

Have your own chick!! 


tog redux's picture

I thought your ex was signing them up. If both signatures need to be on it or you have joint custody then yes, hold him to following that and any other agreement you have. 

But the "they are ***MY*** kids" stuff was what led me to the insecure statement.  Your kids know who their mom Is. 

Rags's picture

I think that this is a problem for the  coaches and league officials to solve.  Make anonymous complaints about parents entering the playing field.  Eventually, a coach or official will take care of it.

My mom brought me KoolAid powder, etc... to my elementary school field day when I was in 5th grade and I was asked to tell her that she could not do that since not all of the kids had the same thing.  It only happened once and I remember that incident from 45+ years ago like it was yesterday.  I told the teacher who approached me on it to speak to my mom if she had a problem with what my mom was doing. I did speak with my mom that eventing and asked her not to bring stuff to the next field day.

Once the coaches or officials speak to her about it they also need to give all of the kids the same message about keeping their parents in their places in the stands or on the side lines.  A mortified kid will move mountains to keep an overstepping parent in line.  Including a SParent.

When I used to officiate my SS's little league I did eject a PITA father once.  We had LEOs at every game.  They actually walked him to his car where he sat for the rest of the day.  The league did ask me in to discuss the incident and recommended that I be a bit more tolerant with the parents.  I told them that if I felt a parent was interfering in the game that I would do it again.   I only had to do it once.  

weightedworld's picture

I can't wait as they age. Coaches are going to eat him alive. 

In the wrestling policy is specifically states. No parents, it's a very big competitive sport in the area. 

I get embarrassed as the other parent watchin my kids experience it. 

My favorite is as he is bilingual, he will speak English up and down until he has some trash to talk and than he blows up on the sideline in his native tongue.. I know what he's sayin and it pisses me off and would all the other parents if they knew. But it also doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out he's running his mouth or he'd be speaking English. She also speaks his language and sits there and giggles.

No, not funny. 

Just thinking about it pisses me off. Calling the coach a fucking idiot and how worthless he is. Yelling what the fuck are you doing, this is so fucked up, chase the fucking ball, are you fucking stupid, kick the fucking ball. Yeah, parent of the year. Their team consists of kindergarten and 1st graders. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I can see you frustration in this situation. I would attend events with SO only to support him because he didn't want to have to interact with BM.

I was not there to take the place of BM or act like ai was a parent. 

From what you described it sounds like exH and new fiance are behaving as if they are trying to push you out.

I would just ignore them and not let it get to you. Fiance trying to make an impression on your kids and exH will wear off.

Winterglow's picture

She's trying to play MOTY to win brownie points from all the other adults around. She probably feeds off the attention. Bet her makeup was perfect too (lol).

MissK03's picture

I can see your frustrations with sports signing up and etc. I attend more sports game when I came in the picture then BM and SO. I wasn't running on the fields etc. I'm not that person in general. I was there to support kids. 

BUT... not a single "mom" every attempted to talk to me. Make me feel welcome etc. I would be at some games alone and no one would interact with me. They knew SO or BM (everyone I think knew who BM was a POS then) but, it made me feel almost unwelcome. I had some dads talk to me but, once again not a single mom. I saw it as typical female jealously to be honest. (I was younger then most of them by probably 5-10 years) I'm not having kids at this point in my life but, If I did and saw a "me" in the crowd.. I'd make her feel welcome. 

We live in a typical nicer middle class town and everyone is clicky.. just like high school. 

Now... not once did I try replacing BM. Not once have a filled at a single form for skids.. which have been with us full time now for over 3 years. Prior BM was EOWE. SO always took care of everything. 

I'm going to be honest the ****MY**** kids triggered me. When BM and I had our blowout via text she did that same thing to me. Everything was MY!!! KIDSSSSSS!! Like I said, never tried replacing her was only being supportive and giving the skids a fulfilled life. 

I think let the games thing go for now. The skittles thing is annoying I get it. The coaches will probably be a stop to it. As for the actually signing stuff up.. I'd have a convo with your ex to just communicate with you better about this so you can line up schedules correctly. 

tog redux's picture

Same. When I first got involved with DH and showed an interest in spending time with SS, he got the "I AM HIS MOTHER!!" email from BM. Yes, lady, I know I didn't push him out.  God forbid he have a stepmother that cares about him, it threatened her completely.

I pulled back from SS at that point, and he no longer has anything other than a civil "Dad's Wife".  I don't think a kid can have too many people who love them.  I had no intention of stepping on her toes or trying to take her place, but she denied her kid a caring stepmother by making clear that she would not accept it.

This stepmother sounds ... enthusiastic ... but unless she's PASing, then OP should be glad her ex found a woman who cares about her kids.  

But yes, all COs should be followed and OP has a right to co-parent with her ex, not with the stepmother.

MidnightPony's picture

"I'm going to be honest the ****MY**** kids triggered me"

Urgh me too, I feel like rocking back and forth in the corner. My favourite in our case was when she started banging on about how she wouldn't have another woman raising HER children and how I could never understand how much she loves them because I didn't give birth to them. Yeah, thanks love. She abandoned them this year so she clearly meant it *bye*

A couple of years after her hysterics she switched to telling the kids how great I am, etc, etc. I have no idea what she bloody well wanted from me other than for me to go away and not have anything to do with HER kids. Nevermind that they're not exclusively hers and my partner was very happy with my involvement with them.

Look weightedworld, I understand your frustration. Your ex is acting like a twat and ultimately that's where the responsibility lies. Being a step parent is really bloody hard as you don't fit anywhere and are generally demonised by society. You want to love them like your own, but realise that everything rests on the relationship with your partner and there's always the other birth parent waiting for you to put a step wrong or find a reason to hate you. Then there's the fun of never being taken seriously as a parent in the kid's life because you're merely a step parent and unlikely to be custodial if a step-mother so hardly important at all. Other parents act as if you know nothing and probably won't be around for long anyway. It's not great,

If your ex's fiance is being nice to your child this is a good thing, even if it steps on your toes. It's not something you can or should try to control, inevitably things will settle and she's not there to replace you. 

Please cut her some slack, and let her find her place. The more supportive adults your child has in their life, the richer it will be. Personally I'd try to develop a friendly report with her at the very least and save the vitriol for your ex who should be doing a better job.


Lastly -

"At the beginning of the school year it was school supply shopping. - I had already purchased (fav time of year) and told him we were doing it, instead he allowed her to go ahead and do it anyway all online. What was the point? And then his response turned to they would just do their own for their house. Umm what? "

Let it go, seriously.

"Have your own chick!! "

Don't go there.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

You can hope for the bilingual karma bus to come and run them over.

I was hit by it when I was in my 20's.  A friend and I were on public transport and started talking about a guy sitting opposite us in our obscure official native language.  In reality most people speak English on a day to day basis and can hardly string two words together in the language we were using.  We were in a completely different country so had in our minds no chance of bumping into another native speaker. 

The guy chipped in after awhile in our official language to say thank you for the compliments.  Thank dawg we were only commenting on the fact that he was good looking.  I have never assumed that the people around me all couldn't understand since.

Hopefully, someone in amongst the parents, spectators, coaches will do the same thing to your ex and GF.  It will be worse for them because it sound like they are being d*cks

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

When exhusband and SM first got together (they met online and she moved from California to FLorida to be with him) my DD then 5 got really sick and was hospitalized for over a week with something called strep pneumo in the orbital socket and it was pretty serious and she could have lost her eye sight.  The symptoms first appeared on their day and SM took her to the ER and DD was admitted.  For some reason they gave her the parent badge.  I was 7 or 8 months pregnant with my now 6 year old at this time. The doctors would come in and speak to her as if she was the mom.  They would ask her if there were any allergies.  They would discuss treatment options with her.  I think its because since I was so heavy pregnant I had to sit in the chair in the room in the corner and she was always sitting in the bed with DD.  I had to constantly all the time interrupt and say , "I'm the mother!" And the tenth time she tried to agree to some treatment or speak on allergies (she'd only known them a few weeks at this time) I really came unglued in the hospital with the doctors and they ended up banning her and she could only come up with my permission.  

She also cut my DD's hair.  She had long straight hair and it was her first haircut and just off the plane from California she pretty much had it cut off to a pixie cut with no input or word from me.  It was her first haircut and I have no lock from her first haircut like I do from my other kids.

She took over and cut me out on the first day of school too.  My entire life all I've ever wanted to be is a mother.  I used to sit in my car as a young woman in my twenties stopped at the light and watch all the little kids with their backpacks and lunchboxes going to school  on the first day and dream of the day I got to experience that.  My exhusband  didn't even want kids and his wife  either doesn't or can't have kids but I desparately wanted to be a mother and I'm a good mother.  First day of school they show up and pick up younger DD (of my three with ex husband) and SM is literally carrying her the whole time and the teachers are assuming she's the mom and it just ruined it.

So we had to have a come to Jesus meeting. I really had to put it all out on the line to the both of them.  I said t"Do you want DD6's dad taking our oldest daughter to her driving test when she turns 16?  Do you want him taking her to the Father/Daughter dance? Somethings are for a parent to do and for a parent to experience.  I would never ever dream of taking my step kids prom dress shopping or wedding dress shopping if their mom wants to do that with them because it's a mom's role!!"   And pretty much after that come to Jesus meeting we've gotten things straight.  


ESMOD's picture

I was also involved in a major medical issue with my YSD.  She was airlifted to a hospital near me and I got there before her mom or dad did.. basically, right when the flight landed.. and her dad joined me minutes later.  We were the first ones in with her.. when she was admitted and examined.... of course, I never once claimed to be her mom.. in fact said I was STEP mom.. the few  times there was misunderstanding.  YSD was on my Insurance too.. so I had that to give them.. but when MOTY shows up, she blows into the room and not even looking at her daughter.. cuts eyes at me and loudly states "I AM HER MOTHER".. (no one had said anything to make her think I was acting in that capacity.. and I was just there with dad.period).  Enormously great timing as that was when the woman with the financial responsibility was in the room to get a signature.. I smiled broadly... "OH yes.. SHE is the mother."  They got her to sign the paperwork.. lmao!

Of course, later when BM could not stomach to be in the room as they attempted to set the arm etc.. I had to stand halfway in between the room and BM and relay things too her and assure her that "no, they are not trying to hurt your daughter.. she is doing fine.. she can't feel a thing right now".. etc.. so I was in the position where I had to calm BM down!

I can see where it would be upsetting for her to overstep though... Was it the stepmom that actually took her for the cut or was it dad?  would it have been ok if a father wanted to have a "first" though?  I accidentally overstepped and took my SD for a pedicure.. it was her "first".. who knew that was sacrosanct?  I got some flack for that.. but I didn't do it to "best" her mother.. I jsut was doing something nice.. taking the kid with me while I got my own errand run because my DH was busy with a project.  Sometimes things just don't have that deep of a meaning.

I would be upset if the SM was there carrying my child around but If the child wanted to go hug the sp? I don't know... that's the sucky thing about divorce... you don't have sole control over who your kids are exposed too.. but on the flip side.. maybe the people will care about and for them?  Certainly, I cared for my Skids.. financially and otherwise.  I didn't do it to "BE" their parent.. to buy their love... I did it because they were my husband's children.. they were kids that needed help in some ways.. and that's about it.

MissK03's picture

"Sometimes things just don't have that deep of a meaning."

Exactly... and situations with the smallest things make HCGUBMs head spin followed with "I AM THE MOTHER!!" 

BM is still years later bringing up things I/SO did for SD14 when she was 8-10. Was I suppose to call BM and ask her permission to do stuff because she was neglecting to do it? Like hey.... your child desperately needs a bra and EWOE shes out your house you are not taking the initiative to get her one so I/SO will be purchasing one. She then maybe she would have sprung and bought one because "I AM THE MOTHER." 

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and I was really thick into with North Korea hell at this time so I was very pro step parent.  My kids love their stepmom and I subscribe to the "the more kids that love and care for them the better" philosphy.  So I was just highly irritated for the first four days.  She was also sitting in the hospital bed with my DD and was there all day every day. I was very, very pregnant and couldn't keep getting in and out of the hospital bed and I didn't think I should be sitting on the bed next to dear daughter.   I saw my ex husband every once in awhile because he was working.  She wouldn't say, "Oh here is the mom or she's sitting in the corner there, I can't agree to treatment."    She would try and agree to treatment right there in the room with me in it!  She would give answers to medical history and she just had met them and didn't know their medical history.  There has been many a time I was in the hospital with SD with her diabetes.  Even if I knew how much insulin she took and when she last took her novolog and I was the only person in the room, I would still text her dad and North Korea with what they were asking and what I thought the answer was to double check cause it's not my kid.  But I was in the room!  It was crazy overstepping and  it was day 5 because I'm so non confrontational before I finally just lost it.  

She totally admitted she was in the wrong and we came up with healthy boundaries together after the big blow up of overstepping.  For example, she was the one to pay for and bring DD then 5 to ballet for the year  So at the big end of the year performance, it was she got that got to go backstage with the dancers and do the stagemom duties because she did all the work and it was her idea to put her in the class.  She was the one that paid the $200 costume fee too.

My point is we had to get some things straight but we did after some very rough patches.  My ex and my kid's stepmom have now been together for 10 years.  We have a great coparenting relationship now.  We do.  We had to talk things out and come up with the rules though and until we did, things got ugly.  

ESMOD's picture

There is no way in heck I am volunteering information or giving permission for a child when there is a bio parent IN the room.  That is crazy time.

weightedworld's picture

I wholeheartedly believe that he is doing it just to get under my skin - and she's too stupid to figure it out. (I say that lightely because I don't think shes stupid by no means. Book smart - not so much street smart, regardless)

What I've come to notice is that as time has gone on, he has casted me in a negative light and how unfortunate the kids are to have me for their mom. He's flat out told me numerous times after our divorce that he will find them a mom. Shit you not, I have it recorded x2. Could you call her an innocent bystander, sure. But the innocence is starting to wear off as she has become more aware of the issues I have as if I'm able I don't leave him to be the middle man because the message stops right then and there. 

He keeps himself as the barrier between the two of us. Largely I think to do with because she isn't from around here to know him from adam and so he can cast whatever kind of personal shadow he wants over her. 

The way he talks to me when she is not around - almost abusive, demeaning, nothing short of sweet. 

The way he talks to me when she is around - complete opposite, nice, respectful. She can walk away and like a rabid dog you can almost see the foam start to foam from his mouth, the look in his eye grow cold, and the insults begin. 

LittleCloud9's picture

If your ex is this unpleasant he probably has skewed the story in his favor and she's been very misinformed. I feel sorry for her then, she's likely got good motives but is getting played. If he has really negative behaviors like you describe he will take them out on her eventually. Hopefully she will be able to sort out the fact from fiction as she gets to see how you act as a parent. Showing her you're a reasonable, responsible, and kind mother is the best way to undermine any lies he told her.

She might just be his next ex.

MidnightPony's picture

Totally agree, The best defence against a man who wants to pitch a couple of women against each other is to make friends with the other woman. Hell hath no fury like 2 women who compare notes and realise they're dealing with a wanker Biggrin

Happened to me and another girl years ago, we both had a romatic history with the same guy and he loved playing games and trying to make us hate each other when we finally met. It did not work and scared the crap out of him.

Jcksjj's picture

If theyre putting on a show for a reaction just ignore them. As far as the activities, sign him up for what you want to sign him up for and do what you want to do with him.

Just don't be complaining about the SMs lack of involvement if she does back off and stop acting as enthusiastic.

advice.only2's picture

You can't really control the situation or how your ex and his fiance are acting, but you can control how you react to it. Stop reacting, if your ex and his fiance really are just doing this for show they will get bored with it soon enough when you stop commenting. If they are legit their for the kids your lack of reaction won't really matter all that much.

MaryBethC's picture

When you split from exH did you ever sit down and discuss what expectations are if the other gets a new partner that will be around the kids? Most steps go in blind because nothing is ever communicated to us so if we over step it's like stepping on a landmine we weren't even aware was an issue.


Try and talk with your ex, if he's being HC try reaching out to his SO about boundaries. I do agree with you being upset about giving your kids sugary snack while doing sports. That's not good and will just slow them down if anything.

weightedworld's picture

Only a 101 times. My latest offer was yesterday. 

He had his ideas and I had mine. Until she came into the picture. He is now over board with what I said all along. As I said previously he has flat out told me he was in search of a new mom for the kids. I do not stretch that at all. 

I have gotten a long with all of the "friends" before her but this one he is surely keeping at a distance. 

I have reached out to her before regarding the school supplies. I really didn't see it right havin her put her money towards things already purchased so I went through the kids messaging system on their tablets and let her know very kindly that they were purchased. I can only do so much. 

He has talked hellish amounts of negativity about me, I know for a fact and it's extremely hard to hear of it. But I keep telling myself that his true colors will shine through. He has people that couldn't stand him for years feelin bad for him. It's down right maddening. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Chances are she is just trying to make a good impression and starting a little too strong. Your ex is probably egging her on, encouraging her to be "over the top." If he said he would find a new mother, he's probably putting her up to this and crossing all kinds of boundaries and pushing her to act more "motherly" than she feels comfortable being. She will probably burn out or realize the inappropriateness eventually. If she realizes it on her own, it will be a lot more effective in helping her set her own boundaries against what your ex is pushing her toward. If you make a fuss, you make yourself a convenient villain and it's evil BM (you) making their life hard. 

I truly believe most women dating a man with kids just want a relationship and don't have any desire to "steal" another woman's children. It's truly not the same and she will never replace you. You've read the stories here. If kids will blow off the hardest-working and best-meaning of stepmoms for a POS biomom who does the bare minimum, you have nothing to worry about. Really.