Sick stepkid
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Any stepmoms here have stepkids with severe asthma, food allergies or other chronic health problems?
I love my stepdaughter and want to be a good stepmom but it is just so-o hard! My stepdaughter's mom is a control freak nightmare but everyone thinks she's justified because her daughter has asthma and food alergies so she gets to dictate how things are run at my house. She doesn't let DH or I really parent SD. She acts like we're the daycare staff she gets to tell what to do and courts let her.
Can anyone relate?
Thanks for your reply. The
Thanks for your reply. The problem is that managing SD's asthma and allergies just gets so complicated. Anytime SD has an asthma attack while she's here her mother accuses us of not following the asthma plan. There are just so many doctors and so many instructions, it gets so overwhelming sometimes. DH tries to go to as many of her appointments but he works and we have our kids so it's not always possible. Alot of the time he just gets info second hand from SD's mom. It constantly changes. It's hard to keep track when she's only here once or twice a month.
I'm a nervous wreck when SD is here because if god forbid she has a major asthma attack or has to use her epi-pen then her mom will go to court and say we can't handle her health problems. We know her mom is graduating from school soon and may want to move SD out of state so DH wants to make sure we don't give biomom any ammo to use against us. But her mom just goes to such extremes. Everything in SD's diet is organic and from Whole Foods. It's insane the money she spends and she says we have to do the same. SD has all of these allergists and dietians so it's not like it's coming from her mom, it's coming from her doctors.
Right now, when SD visits, her mom just packs a cooler with her food but we've got her for spring break and DH wants to prove he can handle everything. His parents were here this weekend helping us. I know they mean well but it was kinda insulting. They got us a new hepafilter vacuum and airfilter thing for SD and MIL was helping me organize the kitchen for SD's allergies. It just drives me crazy that I have to do what SD's mom says or else she'll drag us into court.
DH was more involved.. then
DH was more involved.. then we had twins. Our boys are now almost two and DH is now getting more involved but its hard because I really need his help in the evenings. SD's primary babysitters are DH's parents so they're majorly involved (maybe TOO involved). SD's mom is in school fulltime so DH's parents are the ones taking SD to a lot of her appointments ect.
We really try and SD's mom admits going overboard. Biomom's become a vegan because of SD, they eat a really restrictive diet.. sure it's healthy but when you're talking about kids it just seems too much and that's what I really hate as a mom. I hate seeing a kid who should be able to eat a hamburger at her stepsister's birthday party instead eat a granola bar because her mom's convinced her anything that isn't organic and 'healthy' is bad.
SD will just flat out refuse to eat things that are perfectly safe because of what her mom says. She's really small for her age and very isolated. She's really smart, she's in GATE classes so she has that against her too. I hate seeing her being this kid who just is encouraged not fit in. SD acts like she's so superior to everyone because she's the one saying 'no' to a hamburger. DH talked to the doctor and he was laughing that he wished all his patients had the problem of refusing to eat fast food. It's all pats on the back for biomom 'cos SD will eat lentils and salad rather than hamburgers and fries. But she's tiny for her age. I just keep asking DH if there isn't some room for compromise but with biomom there isn't. DH just backs down when biomom decides what she wants to do. I keep asking about different doctors, getting a second opinion but no go with biomom. We always thought she'd grow out of this. All the books say most kids outgrow this but she's 10 almost 11 and she hasn't.
Look I am on your side here
Look I am on your side here so please don't be upset by what I am about to say it is meant to perhaps help you to understand something.
Asthma in kids and allergies is common, but it can be serious, and it can be fatal. Now, most kids obviously survive and often outgrow it, but some kids are not so fortunate. So, perhaps BM is erring on the side of caution and if you put yourself in her position and your child has severe asthma and this kids sounds as if she does, then you would probably be over cautious too.
That being said she may just be looking for excuses to take SD out of State and setting you up for failure as you suggest. But have a think about what I said. Maybe the kid really does have very severe asthma and BM is truly worried. If not I apologise I was just trying to give you a different take on this.
Try not to be too insulted by MIL she is probably just as nervous as your DH about losing her grandaughter.
DH had asthma as a kid, plus
DH had asthma as a kid, plus his parents babysit SD almost everyday after school, so we get it. It's the ever changing things, what the therapist said, what the dietican said... it's always something.
I really want to be a good stepmom. What I have trouble with is when her mom has gone to such an extreme and expects us to follow suit. I have 2 year old twins. I don't have time to make homemade almond milk. That shouldn't make me a bad stepmom. Every little thing that we don't do that biomom does SD takes as us not taking her problems seriously. She goes running back to biomom reporting every little thing. She doesn't tell us, most of the time she barely says a word, but she goes home, tells her mom, biomom tells MIL, MIL tells DH, and I get the info and feel like crap.
I just sometimes feel like biomom winds SD up so much before she comes here that her problems are more stress and anxiety. She comes here just looking for reasons we aren't to be trusted. She gets so paranoid because my daughter and the boys aren't following her diet. She freaks 'cos boys are drinking milk or my daughter eats a cookie. So DH is saying no milk, no cookies. Restricting the other kids' diet just doesn't seem to be the right answer.
I know that with HIPPA
I know that with HIPPA restrictions and whatnot, the drs can't talk to you or your DH directly without BM's permission, but you said that DH's parents also take SD to her appts. See if they can't request a copy of her medical charts after each visit (I do this for myself), just so you and DH know what was said, diagnosed, prescribed, etc. Also, is there anyway that you and DH can talk to BM and sit down and work out a plan to care for SD that works for everyone? If you do this, document that you asked BM for this and her reaction. I'm not sure how it will look in court, but it won't look bad on your DH's part because it shows that he wants to take a more active role in SD's health problems. Honestly, I can see where BM is coming from on the control freak nightmare, but she is just looking out for her daughter. There are so many opportunities for successful coparenting here because it's important, almost critical, that all parties involved be on the same page in this situation. Open that door. Have your in laws help encourage BM into involving your DH, and possibly you, more. I know you find it kind of insulting that mil has to help you with organizing your kitchen for this child, but when you get lemons, make lemonade. This gives you a chance to bond more with mil and show mil who you really are away from a crowd and everyone else. And just have BM talk with you and DH openly, with no judgements about one another, about how to take care of SD for Spring Break. I don't agree when your DH says no milk or cookies for the other kids. When the other kids get cookies, give your SD her own special treat that is okay for her to eat. Honestly, I strongly encourage sitting down with BM, DH, SD (she's old enough and she can't just be refusing food especially if its what she normally eats. This is just her being assertive and BM's influence. If BM wants her to starve at your house, that's on her, but you can't forcefeed the kid, so honestly the refusing food has got to stop), and maybe even SD's nutritionist (if possible) and working out a meal plan that works for everyone in both households.