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Sibling abuse?

kyky's picture

 I have a 12-year-old stepson and a four and a3-year-old boy. Of course the younger ones look up to the 12-year-old. There have been several times where the younger ones have went into their brothers room in the late morning to give him a hug gently and give him a kiss and say I love you and my 12-year-old stepson will karate kick them right off the bed right in the wall bashing their head on the ceiling and falling on the floor.  There of been numerous times where they’re playing around on the couch and my 12-year-old will take one of the giant pillowcases and put it on top of my four-year-old’s face and suffocate him even while he’s screaming that he can’t hardly breathe. He gets him into very dangerous situations that are so obvious but my little ones want to do it because their big brother is telling them to do it. He does not care if they get hurt, he doesn’t care if he hurts them. How do I even handle this because he’s been yelled at and discipline but he continues to act this way towards my younger children and it really pisses me off and it’s really upsetting and I almost don’t want him in the same house as my kids anymore. how do I even handle this because he’s been yelled at and discipline but he continues to act this way towards my younger children and it really pisses me off and it’s really upsetting and I also don’t want him in the same house as my kids anymore  since I don’t find it safe to be around him. Help

shamds's picture

to time out in the backyard and i would clal hubby and tell him to address this and ss wouldn’t be allowed in the house

geez ss is amping up the abuse and clearly enjoying it. I could’ see myself living in that home like that

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Why are you making your children live in this dangerous situation? How did your SS have the chance to almost suffocate your child more than once? If your DH won't protect your kids, you need to do it - even if it means moving out or sending them to live with their father.

Harry's picture

His 12 yo son and stop this behavior.  Or SS gets band from the home.  Have DH a range care for SS so he not involved with your younger kids 

kyky's picture

My husband acts like I’m crazy and downplays ever single thing he does. And when I put a name to it I’m a horrible person. He thinks it’s okay bc he’s not doing those bad things 40% of the time

SteppedOut's picture

My formerSO's son was like your husband's son. Mean as shit emotionally and physically to myself and my babyBS (his 1/2 sibling). I left; when my son was 5mo old because I knew nothing would change, except to get worse. 

Why on earth haven't you left? You KNOW this isn't "ok".

You need to leave and never look back. Until your exit plan is complete; keep calling the police on the monster. Take your children to the doctor for a check up when their brother bounces their head off the wall. Build a record of abuse to ensure that visistations with "dad of the year" only happen when monster kid is NOT present. 

kyky's picture

 I guess my husband making it feel like I was crazy and downplaying everything maybe feel like an idiot and I just have never took a major action like moving out. But for the last few years now I never leave him alone in my head because something always ends up happening. My husband never apparently sees it. I also live 3000 miles away from any kind of family or support whatsoever. I have no job I have no money no bank account nothing in my name  so I have no idea where I would even go. Trust me I would’ve moved out so long ago I still want to move out.  I signed up for this website because I just wanted even more reassurance that I got from family members so I know I’m not going crazy because this whole situation just blows my mind!

ndc's picture

You're not crazy, your husband is gaslighting you and you have every reason to get yourself and your kids out of there.  Find a lawyer who will do a free consult and figure out how to remove your kids from this situation.

SteppedOut's picture

You NEED to get a job and start saving. NEED TO. You HAVE to protect your young children (and yourself). Have you worked before? What are your skills?

When I left my formerSO, I had $300, no job and my mortgage and related house bills were all 2 months behind. He had convinced me (gaslighting and other manipulation tactics) to not go back to work and he would "pay all my bills". He did, kind of, just all really really late. My car was in poor condition (his daughter crashed and totalled it - he did "fix it" using the insurance money... after 8 months and then pocketed the rest (he is an autobody repair/paint person). All my savings was gone -a lot of it spent on his rotten ass kids. Money that "he was going to pay me back" when he sent me on errands to pick all manners of things his kids didn't need or deserve. But when I asked to be paid back (he HAS money) it would always be... "oh you think I'm not going to"...blah blah manipulate and make me feel bad. Guess what? He never did. 

My point? Yes. It WILL be hard. Initially. Yes. You will no longer be able to be a sahm and you will have to work. But YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE SAFE.

You can do it.

tog redux's picture

If I heard these reports, I’d call CPS on you and DH.  You too are failing to protect your sons by staying there. 

kyky's picture

My question is, is this “typical brother sibling play” or is this sibling abuse?

tog redux's picture

I wouldn't call CPS on typical sibling behavior.  Kicking your son into the wall and smothering him with a pillow is abusive and he could easily hurt or kill your son.  This child is aggressive to you and your children.  Why are you even questioning whether or not this is OK? You know it isn't.  Whether or not your husband agrees is irrelevant. 

If you aren't ready to move out, you yourself have to ensure that your boys are never alone with their brother. Instruct them that they are not to go into his bedroom, and don't allow them to be with him unsupervised. Otherwise, you too are at fault here.


kyky's picture

Thank you for your honesty, I totally agree and if I was able to financially and had family that I would’ve two years ago. But I have no family down here I honestly have nowhere to go. I’d Have to move all the way to Indiana and my husband would never let that fly 

tog redux's picture

If you are financially dependent on him, start fixing that now.  He may not have a say whether or not you move to Indiana.  It sounds like you are afraid of him, quite frankly.  I'm wondering if the apple didn't fall far from the tree in terms of his son?

STaround's picture

Kicking can be accidental (like when kids playing soccer), it happens.

The pillow case is NOT. 

You need to keep your kids away from him, sorry

kyky's picture

 I thought that too at first but then it kept happening and after the second time I called bullshit and screamed at him and told him to stay away from my kids and then I’m done with all this and him.  That’s what his dad would say though is that, rough play it was an accident blah blah blah. He purposely does it and I have no idea why 

kyky's picture

Thank you for all of the honest and helpful feedback.  I’ve made all  huge deal about it but my husband is very persistent and saying that there’s nothing wrong w him and very good at downplaying it so maybe I’m just starting to believe the mind games.  I also know that I am not crazy because any family member that ever been around him and seeing him the pain has called me aside and questioned it and said that it scares them. Some even say that they’re afraid he’s going to kill me. But ever since those instances I don’t even want them near each other in the same room when he’s here. Are usually just leave the house if you like it occupied and we will go to the upstairs or something to stay away from the but ever since those instances I don’t even want them near each other in the same room when he’s here. Are usually just leave the house and you might get occupied and we will go to the upstairs or something to stay away from him.  But again I’m always made out to be the bad guy like I’m just being mean to him and leaving him out !

Frustrated future SM's picture

Stand up for yourself and your kids! Don't allow him to make you think you're crazy, you're not! Leave the home with that horrid child. Do everything you can to save money so you can get your own place, go stay with family/friends. Heck you'd even be better off in a shelter for women and they'd help you get  housing. Document that demons abuse of your kids and make sure dad doesn't get ever get to have your kids alone with his spawn.

Ispofacto's picture

Is H the father of the littles?  If so, you need to document SS12's behavior on camera so H can't leave the brat alone with the littles during his visitation.


sunshinex's picture

My sister and I are close in age and my brother is a few years older. He was definitely rough with us. He once put us both in a big barrel and rolled it down a hill... we both got bloody noses there lol. He also used to play football with us, but in reality, everytime we tackled him we'd fly. The difference between normal sibling aggression vs abuse is simple... We were having FUN playing with him, even if he was rough. And he never attacked us out of the blue - he would convince us (ie. the barrel) because he wasn't fully thinking through the activity lol. 

I genuinely don't remember ever being scared of my brother. I remember being hurt by him, but it was always in games we CHOSE to play with him or him accidentally being too rough. We look back on it really fondly and laugh about all the things he did all the time. I can't recall a single time I ever feared him and he would NEVER kick me or try to suffocate me. In fact, I think my dad, an army vet, would have made him pay if he did... 

I can't believe a 12 year old is getting away with hurting kids who are basically TODDLERS... At 12, you should absolutely KNOW that's wrong. As someone with an older brother, I can tell you with 100% certainty that is not normal or okay or playful... It is scary. Your children could very well end up seriously injured or worse. They are likely already traumatized by this. 

kyky's picture

 Yes that’s why we left the house and I refuse to be in the same home as him anymore. I’m so afraid for my children that they’re going to have long-term effects from this Insane crap! 

Rags's picture

You whup his ass!

Lather, rinse, repeat.  You make him break into cold sweats if he even hears one of his toddler age brothers issue a peep of distress.

Grrrrr!  This violent POS crotch dropping needs to clearly understand that he does not abuse his baby brothers. Ever.

If I had abused my baby brothers (the first is 6yrs younger than I am the the second was 8 years younger) my parents would have delivered me into a state of such abject misery that I would still be in therapy.

Record this violent POS then call 911, file for a PO to keep him away from  your young children and also file for divorce and nail the creator of this evil little shit for every penny he will ever make.

Take care of you, take care of your young boys.

lorlors's picture

The pillow case thing is disturbingly violent. No matter what dire situation I was in NO ONE but NO ONE would do that twice to my son. I swear to God. Knock that little bastard in to next year.