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Husband downplays my stepson punching me in my face!

kyky's picture

How would you handle a situation where your stepson of eight years punches hia step mom in the face?

kyky's picture

I called the non emergency police and asked what I should do and if they could have an officer come over and scare him bc I was not convinced he knew the gravity of the situation of my being a woman, an adult, and a parent. They sent 3 big officers over and they talked to him kindly and got the point across just by being there as he was crying when they left. When his bio mom found out and his dad found out (he was showering when this happened, and I did not talk to him about it bc I knew he would never let it happen) they both hated me for it bc it made him cry and scared him. But I do not regret at all

ndc's picture

How old is this SS?  Does he have a history of violence?  Why did he punch you?

Regardless of the answers to those questions, your husband downplaying it is unacceptable.

ETA:  NVM, I just went back and read your other blogs.  In all honesty, I would pack up my little ones and leave.  This kid hurts your LOs and puts them into dangerous situations.  He PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE on top of that.  Clearly this isn't an accident or a one time thing.  So I'd be gone and I'd stay gone unless my husband started taking the situation very seriously, got the SS into intense therapy, and had a concrete plan to protect me and my LOs.

kyky's picture

Thank you! When he is here I just pack up and go somewhere to hang out and I feel like he’s kicking me out of my own home. He’s 12, and has some weird scary things happen since he was 4 that were questionable behavior but I had no idea. I was standing at the front door taking him for a haircut, his dad was inside and said something to him like we are going to cut or shave your hair at home bc he was getting an attitude (as always). When he heard his dad say this, he ran so fast pushed into me and I put my arm out to say “hold up” and he swings around and decks me. And would have hit me again if my husband wasnt there to hold him down. My husband now downplays it since he found out I had police come over to talk to him (no charges or arrest were made ever) just to scare him into understanding you cannot do that to people. If I bring the punch up today, my husband says “it was an open hand not a closed fist, he didn’t punch you and he wasn’t trying again”, even though he held him back from it! The day it happened he also didn’t have a serious scarring talk with him about it bc “he didn’t see it” so basically didn’t happen! 

shamds's picture

Did he say “oh he was stressed and didn’t mean it?”

i wouldn’t be in a marriage or relationship where my partner refused to protect me and my kids. I’d tell hubby the next time this happens you will call the police. Sugarcoats it all you want this is assault and abuse

ss continues with this behaviour because he knows he gets away with it

kyky's picture

I said the same thing! Him and his ex think I’m a villain for protecting myself and my littlest ones

kyky's picture

I totally agree I don’t think I should have to move myself and my little ones with knowhwere to go when I can tell him, see your son outside of this home. This is my home and I’m not having this is my house. But also wouldn’t that take away from my husband seeing his son? I don’t even know

stepmominhiding's picture


SteppedOut's picture

Your husband isnt protecting your children from his son's physical violence. Maybe he shouldnt see them as much until he learns how to protect them. 

Harry's picture

SS would never step foot in my home again.  Your DH is not protecting you. You have to protect your self.  It’s only going to get worst because he got away with it once. So there now nothing stopping him.   So SS is not allowed in your home. If DH does not like that. He can move out with SS

kyky's picture

I totally agree! And my kids probably thinks it’s totally normal and they’re learning this is a normal home life and it makes me sick! I have to have talks with them all the time about his behavior and “you don’t ever let someone say that or hurt you”. Am I being crazy calling it abuse? Bc my husband likes to just call it “being brothers, even though he’s 12 and my little ones are 4 and 3.

tog redux's picture

The fact that you are doubting yourself tells me your DH has been doing a lot of gaslighting of you in regard to this issue.

Do YOU think it's OK? Would you tolerate your 4-year-old treating your 3-year-old that way?  Are you OK with a 12-year-old physically injuring a preschooler for ANY reason other than accidental? Do you want your sons to grow up thinking it's OK for their brother to hurt them? Do you want to have CPS called on you when you explain to an ED doctor that a 12-year-old kicked your son in the face and slammed his head into a wall, and you allow it to happen repeatedly?

Please stop trying to decide if your DH is right, and honor your gut feelings about the need to protect your sons from their brother. You KNOW he's aggressive and he's turned it on you.

stepmominhiding's picture

I can't believe you're sil in this marriage.  Sorry,  love isn't enough! When you Gerry treated like a villain by you're own husband,  you gotta leave.  Atw your children also dh's children?  If so,  in your court order visitation get it to where his kid isn't there when your kids are 

kyky's picture

Trust me I’ve left for weeks on end with the kids and stayed at a family members vacation home multiple times. I have nothing in my name and no way out. When I try and leave he refuses to give me money/card for us while we’re gone so I solely rely on hope getting money from family memebers in times like this. It’s miserable 

tog redux's picture

OP, your DH is abusive. He's controlling you with your financial dependency on him.  You have to get a job.  Find a good therapist or a local domestic violence shelter to help you.  He may not be hitting you (yet), but all you are describing on here is abusive.

stepmominhiding's picture

Leave as soon as possible!  Get what ever money you can together, get a job, and run.... I was in an abusive relationship.  It starts just like this, and the first time he hits you physically you may not even live.... just leave

shamds's picture

this relationship and clearly op husband has gaslighted you, hubby is being abusive by making you financially dependent on him if you moved away while this shitstorm is going on.

my skids are not physically abusive but they threaten and manipulate hubby and me all the time, they gaslight constantly and there is constant emotional abuse. When i’ve told hubby i need to fly back to my country to destress there is never a “fend for yourself and sure buy it with your own money” when i’m a sahm of 2 toddlers.

the fact you can’t trust or rely on this man you supposedly love to address these serious issues is concerning. They aren’t imaginary issues or over exaggerated ones. These 2 bio parents of this kid are IRRESPONSIBLE!! 

As parents its our job to guide our kids to be productive members of society, to contribute, to be empathetic and generally positive individuals. Not tell them, encourage them that physical abuse is ok.

op in your situation when your husband stupidly downplayed the extremity of this situation saying he didn’t deck you and wouldn’t have come for you a 2nd time i would have said in the most sarcastic condescending tone “is that why you physically had to pin him down to cool down”??

I have done this before with my husband, it was bloody obvious he was giving me lip service with no intention of ever addressing the issues because ss was stressed over nothing (a manipulative tactic to shut hubby up in addressing issues)... so i was so sarcastic and made everything that came out to hubby  as pathetic as possible. He was embarrassed because at this point he couldn’t lie to me as he would be an absolute idiot. 

I told him i want a divorce now that this is a toxic marriage, toxic relationship and full of dysfunctional crap courtesy of batshit crazy exwife and her family and skids exact replicas of the dysfunction and bat shit craziness...

you need to ask that amazing husband of yours (me being sarcastic now), what kind of father allows his son, actually encourages and enables this physical abuse to continue and justifies it? Only a pathetic kind of person does that. How can he allow his kids/family and stepkids to live in this kind of toxic environment? What parent is selfish and cold hearted enough to allow that. Someone who has a conscience will feel guilty and strive to not allow it to happen.

when i said it this way my husband saw the light. We aren’t perfect 100%, there are still issues there but i have told my husband if he thinks that this toxic dysfunction can continue indefinitely and i’ll play along, look for wife #3 now because sure as hell your family if smart will know you are the problem. You can’t blame the 3 women only...

you need to address this money issue too. If you are a sahm then hubby should be transferring a set amount per month into your personal acct to handle incidentals, utilities and grocery shopping and some spending money. It should never be you ask him and he gives the cash etc because you have no access, he controls it 100%

ITB2012's picture

You do not need money to stay at a women's shelter. Please look up the nearest ones in your area. Then you have a place to go if you need to, and if you call them they can give you advice on what to do about the recent incidents. They also may be able to put you in touch with lawyers and other help that is free or for low-income persons.

Siemprematahari's picture

I wonder if your H got punched in the face would he be so "accomodating"........

I doubt it!


Rags's picture

Kick your DH in the nuts then ask him how he plans on downplaying that.  Of course you don't do that, but ask DH how he would react if you kicked him the nuts.  Then  you inform him that if his rotten crotch dropping ever is violent with you again you will pepper spray the little POS call 911 and have the little POS hauled off to be dealt with by the Juvenile courts.


Your DH is pathetic and  you need to put that entire shallow and polluted gene pool fading in your rear view mirror.

Get on with your life. If you have any children of your own in that environmant... get them the hell out of there.