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Sexually charged arguments with the BM!

AnnoyedGirl's picture

Its been bothering me now for some time that my BF and his BM hold pointless and non-relevant discussions that typically start off in reference to their son, but somehow end up in insults with sexual references and innuendos.

He is currently in a custody battle with her; his son lives with him, and he has filed for full custodial rights. This has been an ongoing hoopla for over a year now. The problem is not that he argues with her about their son, his upbrining, and his wellbeing, but that it always ends up in insults and sometimes sexually connotated offenses.

Furthermore, today he tells me that he saw a picture of his son on her myspace and sends me the link for me to see. He was upset that he was posing (he's 4 yrs old) in 'gangster' related signals with his hands, etc. Obviously she was instructing him..or someone else in the room and found this cute. To make a long story short..he wants to confront her about this and I told him that she doesnt care and hes wasting his time. He says he knows; but will not keep shut.

At the end of the day..im the bad one for not wanting him to pick on anything to start a fight with her. I'm the one that does not accept the fact that he has a son (I dont have children). I'm the bad one b/c I'm asking him not to confront her. I have told him time and time again to stop the constant bickering with her...but he chooses not to. I feel VERY frustrated that I can not get understanding and consideration from him. He says that I have insecurity and jealousy issues with his ex...and thats the reason why i dont want him to argue with her. I just want him to stop his dysfunctinoal cycle he is in ..and move on. He seems to prefer to stay arguing with her...than to respect my feelings and concerns.

As many of you here have stated before...we (the Steps) feel like second class citizens in this situation, we take the backseat to everything, and have no say.
I have to listen to him whine and complain and bitch and moan about the BM, the court, etc. all the time. But when I address anything...it gets thrown out the window.

Why are the arguments sexually connotated? and why wont he stop arguiing with her??? I know the answer...but I need to hear it from everyone else. THANKS

sparky's picture

You've got some serious issues going on with that relationship. Is he worth it? Those 2 need to get couseling to determine if they are trying to patch it up or cut it lose.

steppie1999's picture

I would guess that your BF's ex is just trying to "hurt" your BF by insulting him on a "sexual level" to try and bruise his ego and she obviously knows how to push his buttons. In my experience, the BM is very good at knowing what buttons to push. If she couldn't get a rise out of him on that level, she would probably move on to some other type of deficiency that she believes he has.
Our BM continually behaves in this sort of immature, childish behavior constantly.
It could also be a way to get at you in a round about way, by stating the obvious....that your BF and BM have a sexual past....DUH they have a kids but for some reason BM likes to bring these types of things up just to cause a jealous reaction...or so they hope.

"I prefer my life STRESS FREE...When you're STRESSIN'...You're STRESSIN' me"

sixxnguns's picture

argue over the phone and it would come to name calling everytime...when finally I told him to only communicate through text and email with her. Than she sent a "I'm jealous of you text" which said " Me and SS will just leave you alone so you and sixxnguns can have your own little family and I'll never have to see your ugly face again." And thats when I said...to only speak through email if possible..that way he has everything documented in case he has to go back to court ever.

About the myspace picture...he could confront her but thats what she wants him to do..these women seem to not care about the consequences of their actions pertaining to the kids. I mean, our BM lets her 5 year old watch pg-13 movies, and listen to innappropriate music...they just don't care...and yeah it will affect the children later on and they'll have to deal with it, but we all will too, thats the sad part...these kids have no chance being raised by irresponsible parents...as I told my fiancee...just keep things documented and don't say a word..let her dig her own hole!!

TheSaneOne's picture

thats her verification that he cares about HER because he is checking her myspace. Trust me - i deal with this too, just dont let her know.

DOwnload Hooversnap and copy everything

jaded's picture

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Albert Einstein

steppie1999's picture

Yes, we put a stop to the phone calls many years ago as well for the same reasons...either fights or the sickening (FAKE) sweetness by BM.
Besides those reasons, BM always tried to play on DH's "poor" memory. Little does she know it's nothing to do with memory but has everything to do with the way he tunes her out when she got like that Smile
Anyway, even after 10 years, BM will still try to pick a fight...by email...or through the kids. We used to try and defend ourselves against her ridiculous, false accusations but it only fueled her fire. Unfortunately, we gave her exactly what she wanted.
We tried a response of "Whatever" and that never failed to piss her off but provided us with more proof in writing of what a nutcase she really is.
We got to the point where we just sent an email back to her that said "email received" and that would stop her for awhile but after awhile she even used our lack of response as a reason to attack us.
There's no making her happy...well there is but we refuse to fall into her trap! LOL LOL LOL

"I prefer my life STRESS FREE...When you're STRESSIN'...You're STRESSIN' me"

SUNFLOWERGRL's picture

I think there is some kind of unfinished business between them. My fiance cheated on me 3 times with his ex wife. Even though they didnt engage in the actual act, the text messages and dirty pictures spoke for themselves. I finally told him to get rid of the phone. This unfortuante behavior is normal when the couple hasnt come to "terms" with everything. I told him she was to call the house about their daughters situation. No private calls or emails. Anything that can be said can be said in the room with me. She was furious and of course contacted me to tell me all the nasty things they would say to each other. I warned him, if that ever happened again i was gone. Dont put up with BS like that. STOP it before it comes to that. If she starts to talk about sexual things that is his que to hang up the phone. Also, if there is a lawyer involved, notify her lawyer of her sexual harassment. If there are emails, document them and send them to the judge.

"Still waiting to get my life back"

Anne Summers's picture

These two are acting like four year-olds fighting over a crayon. Wink

Nothing will change unless either the BM or your BF decide to change themselves first. Once that is done then at least one of them can move on with his/her life.

The main reason the two of them choose to continue this child-like banter is because neither of them were mentally/emotionally ready to move on from this relationship. You see in order for someone to truly be ready to move on and be able to have a new relationship---the person must leave their last relationship by having NO FEELINGS for that relationship and/or other person. That means no love, no regret, no HATE---ABSOLUTELY NO FEELINGS AT ALL. By doing this the person alleviates any future conflict, whether it be love or hate related.

It seems that your efforts of trying to lead your BF from this volitile behavior is not working for you. Try one more last effort---be nice and understanding. Start off with something like---"Honey, I understand your frustration with the situation, your ex, your child---BUT, I feel it is in everyone's best interest, especially yours, that you free yourself from all of this animosity." Suggest that your BF seek counseling and even go as far as to offer your support by going with him, if he wants you there. If this tactic doesn't work then you could swing for an outsider (someone not directly involved in the situation, but someone close to your BF) to help explain the situation.

However, if these last ditch efforts do not work in your favor, then I would highly suggest you leave now before you relationship with this man goes any further. It will be easier on you if you leave sooner than later, kiddo. I know it may hurt you deeply, but one day you may see leaving this situation was the best thing for you to do.

Good Luck. Smile

"Sometimes you have to test the limits to show you're not a doormat."