Is it worth it?
Currently dating single dad, 4 yr old SS, who happens to live with. My BF is currently in the process of establishing custody and the BM now all of a sudden wants my SS to live with her. Anyway, to make a long story short. My BF spends the entire day, night and in betweens talking about this and its driving me INSANE. I have no kids, cats, or ex's that bother me, therefore, I come with no baggage.
I sometimes wonder if in the end, it is worth it...or not. I'm wondering if standing by him through all the fighting and bickering with the BM (which happens to be on a daily basis) is worth my time. I am frustrated b/c he doesnt understand what it feels like to be on my end of the deal. It's so pathetic, his little ongoing feud with the BM, that even when we travel, he responds to her emails, etc. Its very annoying and he says "hes fighting a war". I just think he's hooked on arguing with her and wont stop.
In the end...is it worth it? I honestly dont even see how my SS will ever appreciate me or be close to me, considering I'm not his mother. Will he ever respect me? etc. I'm quite weary of the situation with the BM; not the SS, he's a well behaved child. But I honestly think that I deserve a little bit more understanding from my BF at times, and he clearly wont stop the arguing with the BM. And trust me, they dont argue about their son, they pick on anything they can to start a fight. I'm getting frustrated and annoyed.
hhhhmmmm
It is a lot to deal with and it can be challenging at times. My BF is still working on custody and support for his son. BM brings up anything and everything that has nothing to do with custody or support. I suggest you tell your BF to seek mediation. It will help keep the bull off the table and get to the real issue and the best interest of the child. A mediator is a non bias third party that will keep the parents on track.
It can be very trying on a relationship. My BF talks alot about it but not all the time. Their fighting over the phone can possibly be heard by the child and that is not good. Children want to please their parents and they get mixes messages when they hear all the fighing and angry words.
Seek mediation or a court appointed representative for the child. These folks can and will recommend what is best for the child.
As far as your relationship with the 4 year old, be kind and understanding and don't let all the stuff the parents figh about get to you. It does not always get better, that's just the way it is. I am still fighting with my ex after 7 years but thats another story all together.
Good luck
Yeah, sometimes it's
worth it, sometimes it's not. Is he fighting with BM in front of the child? You might tell him that the two of them fighting only makes it rough on the kid. Kids will always pick up on this. For the kid's sake, stop the bickering. SS will be the one that suffers in the end. If she calls wanting a fight, he should tell her to call back when she's in a better mood and only when it's pertinent.
Couldn't of said it better, Crayon !!
Annoyed girl, there is a vote on this forum regarding this same question you asked, look that up. You would be suprised about outcome, more say hell no they would not. But there are a few who gets lucky and BM don't act a fool, but most of the time I would guess 95% do.
Unless BF loves you with all his heart, actively listens to you and your concerns and don't make you feel bad for having concerns, sticks up for you, don't put you in the backseat over his Bkids, then go for it. I remember one time when SD was about 3 or 4 we were on a road trip and SD was crying and acting out, DH asked me to sit in the backseat so SD could sit up front with him - I told him that I would never take a backseat to any child not his, not mine. WAKE UP CALL - no way !! I told him our marriage comes before all. He still needs reminded from time to time.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
FUN - Isn't It.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself!! Crayon why do people call thier kids, princesses. That just blows my mind. For real, in all the disney movies, I've seen, princesses are usually lonely and sad until the end. Crap, I asked my daughter if she wanted to be a princess or a professional - had to tell her princessess are lonely people.
BF needs to develop a spine, does he think that when yall have a discussion and agree to certain things, that it doesn't matter? Does he think that he is such a stud, that you will take that? No matter how big his dick is - he needs to realized that you can get that from other sources. You are not his doormat, he needs respect you and yall's discussion.
Hope that wasn't too forward.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
ditto stepwitch
I agree with stepwitch if he can do all those things where you are considered (or your views) more important then what ex says/thinks AND will listen to your ideas/thoughts on his kids then I say give it a try but if you are wondering already if it is worth it then I think you might already know.
good luck!!
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
I say no
I have already told my close friends not to date a man with a child/children. In my experience, the stress is just not worth it. It changes your whole life in a way I never anticipated. I never expected to be taking control of my life and handing it to a BM who, under other circumstances, I wouldn't speak twice to.
I would scream it from a mountain top
Only date one with baggage - don't fall in love or for sure not marry the baggage. There should be a high school class on this whole step thing.
I have told my kids to be very careful who yall decide to procreate with, and the sad thing is that they totally understand. My evil SD even said that she is not ever going to have kids.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
never
I've never heard anyone say that it was worth it. Its like making a deposit at the bank every Friday, but when you need to make a withdrawal the account is empty and theres nothing there for you. Sounds like he needs to deal with his obsession. While he is dealing with it tell him you don't want to hear it every minute of the day. I would be finding out why he is obsesses with the X and how long they have been apart.
duplicate
duplicate
Yikes! I say no!
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have ever gotten involved with someone with children. It has been nothing but stress and heartache. If I could go back to my wedding day, I would have hit myself upside the head. It very rarely ends good for the SM, it is basically all your fault from that point on. Now I want to have children, and my husband is telling me no because I am not a good mother to my SD; I wouldn't be a good mother to my own children. Good luck, but I would really think about it. You are saying she is only 4, that is at least 14 more years of crap!
Smokey !!!
If your hubby thinks that you wouldn't be a good mother, then F++k him, know any good divorce attorney's. I can't believe he would say that to you - I'm pissed now. He has no respect for you at all. I bet he thinks that he is a good dad? OMG, I can't believe - I'm smokin on fire he said that to you. I have a good mind to jump on my broomstick and put an evil spell on him. I think Cruella has an upgraded broomstick that you can push a button on it for some extra bitch or something like that.
WHAT AN ASS !! Tell him to kiss your ass - right on the brown spot!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
He never planned to have more kids
In response to Smokey's post and yours, I don't believe that is really what he mean't. I think he went into the marriage never wanting to have any more kids like a lot of divorced men. Its always on the back of their mind that more kids equals more support paid if it doesn't work out. Children with the second wife means they have to try even harder, and many men do not want to upset the bm and children by having more. Or be tied like they are to the bm, if it doesn't work out. I am a child type person, and had to have a family, and my response is if you want children you do everything to accomplish that goal. We can all say we wish we would have found someone without kids, but I found out at age 33 after my first divorce almost every man had a child or more! It was really depressing, and most did not want more children. They only wanted you to take care of theirs, and help pay bills, so speaking for myself; that got old. Its a two way street, and most women give more and get less. Its for each woman to decide how much they're going to put up with, myself no one is going to tell me not to have children. Especially if I've been taking care of theirs from another woman, their going to have to compromise and meet my needs also.
The same thing crossed my mind
when I read Smokes comment. I'm double pissed for us all.
no kidding
stepwitch is right..tell him to kiss your ass...it really bothers me that these men think we should just take in their bio children as if they're our own..it's harder than they think it is! I don't expect my fiancee to take my daughter's fathers place but I do expect him to be a good role model and I expect her to respect him!
Slightly Shocked
I have to admit, I'm a bit surprised that everyone says its not worth it.
Of course, it all depends on the man your marrying. I would assume if you fall in love with the guy, than he is a supportive, stand-up type of person who will listen to you and understand your position. If he's not that type of person, then why would you fall in love with him anyways?
My SD has a crazy BM, and yes she drives me nuts. She drives my husband nuts too. And we talk about her and complain about her to eachother (when SD is not there of course).
When SD disrespects me, my husband lights into her. And any s-kid is going to disrespect you at times. Its natural...they want control of their situation and you're taking it away. ESPECIALLY an s-kid who is living with their father will be used to having a significant amount of control. Its okay to take some (maybe most) of that control away. But you can't expect you won't be challenged.
My point is that struggles with BM and s-kid can be worth it if your relationship with husband is strong.
I totally agree...
He recently got an attorney finally; and they are now in the co-parenting class process. They went to the first session last week.
I honestly think he's not completely done dealing with his anger, resentment, etc. towards her. he usually brings up the fact that she cheated, etc., so I am totally aware of his codependent behavior. He doesnt see it this way, he says "im fighting a war". Everything and anything always ends up in a conversation about his son or her. Its like my life has to revolve around these two people. It's just not fair.
To be honest, yes, I have thought of stepping out of the picture while he finishes this process, mainly becaue I am so tired of talking about the same thing over and over.
think about this
This is as easy as it will get, may get easier for increments of time, but also will get much more difficult at times, it will be a continuous cycle.
Remember, they NEVER go away
The skids and bms are here to stay. I can't say that I would recommend dating a man with children to anyone!! I would be concerned as to why he insists on maintaining this connection with bm too, even though it is negative it sounds like he isn't in any hurry to cut ties. Ever heard the saying that even negative attention is still attention?
Crayon said it well. You WILL experience some, if not all of the situations she listed.
(((Hugs to you)))
Georgie
its very strange...
...but here's the strangest part.
He records their conversations; almost every single one of them. He has months and months of recorded calls; its very annoying...b/c as I tell him...they are not valid in court, so why even record them?
This is getting on my nerves and I have told him that he has a codependent relationship with her that he needs to cut off. I have been with him for a year and several months, and this has not stopped. He says that she irritates him and that he will not stay shut, but I'm beginnign to assume all this attention, as negative as it is, is b/c he still cares.
I'm very strained over here and dont even tell any of this to my girlfriends, I'm going a bit crazy over here.
RUN FifeAR AWAY
if he is not listening to your needs and what you are saying now HE NEVER WILL.....It sucks and I am sorry, but unless he does a 180 you will always be a part of this nightmare called always coming last.
sg
I have been married for
I have been married for about a year and a half to a man with two children and I am unhappy and stressed over alot of the issues mentioned above over 75% of the time...
I love him, but the whole situation sucks.
Really bad.
Especially when you realize you may not be able to have your own children (like in my case).
I wouldn't do it again
We are all here for you
We are all here for you Dani1230. A lot of us are in your situation, and it really sucks! I am telling you, if I had a picture of what my life would be like after we got married, I would have thought twice about it.
if he is not stopping in a year
he probably will never stop, and I agree with all the posts, RUN!!
love is important but so is respect and understanding and trust.
If he is STILL arguing with her after being with you all this time, he has issues. THINK long and hard!! You are doing the right thing by asking being well informed is a great advantage.
“You will never be on top of the world
if you try to carry it on your shoulders.”
You don't need your husbands
You don't need your husbands permission to have a baby. If you want a baby and he doesn't just go to the sperm donation center. That way if you get a divorce he doesn't have to worry about CS because its not his anyway. NO, its not right that a woman would look after someone else kds and then have him say, NO, I don't want you to have any. Some of these women are giving these men way to much control over their lives and their decisions.
I'm with Jess
... who says it is worth it and the situation can work.
I feel blessed to have gotten two skids out of my marriage, having had none of my own the first time around. And yes, they live with us more than half of the time. And yes, they have their ways. So do I.
The key is having a husband who backs me up in front of them (even when he thinks I'm wrong -- we talk about that later) and who shows absolutely no fondness for the ex or for her problems. That is key. Without it, you are setting yourself up to be the bad guy.