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Is This a Ridiculous Expectation of a 5 Year Old?

sunshinex's picture

My 5 (almost 6) year old stepdaughter is usually really great. She's totally potty trained day and night with a few slip-ups during the night once in a while. Lately, she's started waking up at night when she has to pee, which is great, except she really loudly yells to the entire house that she has to go potty and won't go until you go into her room and walk her there. Even if you yell back "so get up and go" she keeps yelling and whining until you get up and turn the light on. Her room is bright enough at night that she can make it to the light and the bathroom is right beside her room.

I don't know if my expectations are too high because i've never had biological kids or dealt much with children aside from my stepdaughter, but this is driving me nuts as i'm 12 weeks pregnant and already have trouble staying asleep. I've been awake since she did this last night at 5am and haven't gone back to sleep. When she yells, she not only wakes us up but also the cats, who then proceed to meow for a good half hour lol.

Please let me know if my expectations are too high. I definitely don't want to be too hard on her. I tried to explain to her this morning that she needs to get up and go to the bathroom herself. She can't keep waking everyone up because it's not fair. I also let her know that I had a hard time getting back to sleep and asked if she wanted to apologize for waking me up and she shook her head "no" which kind of frustrates me.

Acratopotes's picture

}:) DH should be the one getting up not you... kick him out of bed, but that will not help, you would be awake any how.

Plan B - buy her a funky torch, Elsa, minion what ever rocks her boat and tell her, big girls take their torch and go to the potty , you need quiet and rest or the baby will scream every night once it's there and no one will be able to sleep.... something like that, if I recall she's very excited about the baby... use it and teach her now to be quiet and a big sister..

sunshinex's picture

Oh DH normally gets up with her but lately he's been sleeping downstairs and all the bedrooms are upstairs. Pregnancy has made me SUPER sensitive to sounds at night. I wake from the smallest noise so his snoring was driving me crazy lol but yeah, the weirdest part is, she wakes up and she'll whine and call out for someone for 10+ minutes... it's not like she's disoriented and half asleep. By the time you go into her room she's wide awake and knows exactly what's happening, which is what drives me nuts. Her room is quite bright but I like the idea of a lantern or torch; that's a great idea!!

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: sunshineX - WTH woman..... kick DH out of the down stairs bed, he moves back to the main bedroom and you take down stairs....

then what ever happens during the night upstairs is not your problem }:)

sunshinex's picture

There's no downstairs bed, there's a couch hahaha no way am I sleeping on that instead of the queen size bed Smile Plus I'd probably still wake up to SD's whining... my hearing is so ridiculously sensitive. Before being pregnant I could sleep through ANYTHING but now I wake up when the dog whimpers a little or even if my husbands snoring gets bad all the way downstairs!

Acratopotes's picture

dammit....

get a huge copper bell down stairs - with a wire connected to SD's room and tell her... if she needs to go she must pull the wire... the copper bell just above DH's head.....

I think you will have to stick to the lantern torch ideas lol

sunshinex's picture

Oh wow that makes a ton of sense actually haha i can't believe i didn't think of that! It's been driving me crazy because I'm working full-time pretty much up until labour, so making it through the 9 hour workday has been difficult when I can't drink more than a cup of coffee but i've been waking up multiple times through the night.

Pregnancy sure is fun, lol... not sure how there's people out there who enjoy it! Hopefully it gets better as I move into the second trimester.

sunshinex's picture

Oh wow that makes a ton of sense actually haha i can't believe i didn't think of that! It's been driving me crazy because I'm working full-time pretty much up until labour, so making it through the 9 hour workday has been difficult when I can't drink more than a cup of coffee but i've been waking up multiple times through the night.

Pregnancy sure is fun, lol... not sure how there's people out there who enjoy it! Hopefully it gets better as I move into the second trimester.

sunshinex's picture

I didn't even think of that....

If she yells to the whole house when the baby is here, I'll kill them both! LOL but really, I can't imagine that would be tolerable with a newborn and the lack of sleep i'll already be dealing with.

ESMOD's picture

Flashlight.

she can have a flashlight for her nocturnal runs to the potty.

If it is happening too much, maybe restrict liquids a few hours before bedtime.

sunshinex's picture

Oh... if she tries this once she's got a lantern/torch, I'll lose it. When I addressed it this morning, she cried and refused to say sorry or anything, so yep, it seems like it's definitely some sort of manipulation moreso than being scared. If it continues once she's got her own light to use, I don't really know what else to do other than losing it on her, which I don't want to do lol.

sunshinex's picture

I know it won't help... that's what sucks lol I don't want to lose it on her but I'm exhausted and tired and need to be able to stay productive at work, which means I need a full nights sleep. As it is, I slept 4 hours and I'm trying to figure out how I can take a nap during the workday today so I can at least get some stuff done lol but yeah, I will definitely maintain some patience here.

Rags's picture

No, your expectations are not too high. Give her a choice, get up and go on her own or get her butt spanked. Then follow through.

The yelling crap is inappropriate at best and intolerable at worst.

z3girl's picture

Each child is different. My 6 year old would be like that. He doesn't like to go to the bathroom during the day by himself. It drives me crazy. My 5 year old will go and lock the door.

Losing it on her won't help. I have to completely ignore my 6 year old's demands and then he eventually goes alone.

I agree with Brick's advice.

sunshinex's picture

I totally tried to ignore her. Not on purpose, I just heard her whining that she needs to go to the bathroom at around 4:45 and yelled "THEN GO TO THE BATHROOM SD" and fell back asleep. I was then woken up again at 5:15 with her yelling more forcefully about how she really needs to go and she's going to pee her bed if she doesn't' go soon... so I got up and told her "SD you HAVE to do this alone. There is no excuse to wait 30 minutes instead of just getting up and going."

I don't think she would have eventually gone alone no matter how much time passed. She would have peed the bed than cried about that.

sunshinex's picture

I did. He's onboard with getting the lantern/torch idea going, and if she still wakes up yelling, nobody is going into her room to get her. We just don't know what to do once she wets the bed and yells about that. I feel like it's a lose-lose situation and it's definitely not my husband's fault lol.

Acratopotes's picture

if she wets the bed it's just fair she do her own laundry..... that time of the night

and be punished for it, according to her age, no more drinking liquids after certain time, go to bed earlier, no Tv or what ever you and DH decide.... her wetting the bed is simply pushing the boundaries to show you you will jump when she demands... once you showed her back, no there's consequences for being spiteful it will not happen again

sunshinex's picture

That's what I was thinking. The way she said it was like "if someone doesn't help me i'm going to pee the bed" as if it's a threat... because she knows if she pees the bed, DH has to get up and clean it and give her a fresh blanket and all that.

I was thinking maybe put a couple of spare blankets in the room and if she proceeds to pee the bed instead of getting up and using her flashlight to go to the bathroom, we remind her there's spare blankets she can use and nobody goes into her room or helps her out. But that sounds so harsh. I don't want to be mean.

Acratopotes's picture

unfortunately - parents have to be mean to teach the kids something....

first try the flash light and explain to her what will happen if she pee in the bed because she refuses to go alone, explain to her saying if you don't help me I will pee in the bad, means that she did it on purpose and therefor she will be punished... first punishment is light, second time more strict, third time now you will take the pissed bedding down to the laundry room.. etc....

it's not a power struggle it's teaching her there's consequences for deeds

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

If she threatens to pee the bed if someone doesn't come help her, I would put a potty chair in her room and tell her that she can use that and if she decides to pee in the bed, then she can start wearing diapers when she sleeps. Place a pack of diapers on her dresser so they are in plain sight as a reminder and put a couple in her underwear drawer. Then...leave the decision up to her. She can go in the potty like a big girl or pee the bed and wear a diaper like a baby. It's all up to her now.

Kyle Busch Fan's picture

If she chooses to be a baby and want to wear diapers fine. Then she can wear them all the time because that's what babies wear, not just at night. Take away her big girl things because babies can't have big girl things. Early bedtime. Whatever a baby needs, she needs. I don't know of any 5 year old that's actually wanted to wear a diaper. I don't think she will actually say OK, I want to wear a diaper like a baby. But like I said, she has a choice. If she wakes up and needs to go potty, she can go to the bathroom, use the potty chair in her room or wet the bed and start wearing diapers to bed.

Peridwen's picture

BS4 used to do this. I enabled it because I didn't wanting him waking up BS2, who sleeps in the same room. It took about 1 week of me being gone overnights (work issues) for DH to fix it. DH let him wet himself, then would pick him up, hose him off, put him in clean PJs and send him back to bed on a stripped bed. He'd then take BS2 to bed with him. Eventually BS4 got tired of (what felt like) lukewarm showers and having to sleep without sheets.

BS4 will still announce that he has to potty, but it's quiet and he does it as he's going. Mostly to complain that the light in the bathroom is too bright.

And yes, DH does the I-told-you-so smirk whenever my mother brings up how nice it is that BS4 will finally go potty at night by himself. I admit I'm the softy in our house. I'm working on it, but it's nice to have DH as my backup when I fail.

Edit: To put the pressure back on DH to get up, get our your baby monitor early and stick the 'parent' piece on the side of the couch where DH sleeps at full volume. Then he can wake up to SD and deal with it. Your issue might go away faster.

sunshinex's picture

LOL at the baby monitor idea.

DH actually doesn't mind getting up with her if he's the one who hears her... He can getup, take her to the bathroom, take her back to bed and be back snoring within seconds. That's part of the problem. He sleeps so soundly that it doesn't really bother him to get up with her. Whereas even if he gets up and takes her, the very act of yelling wakes ME up and keeps me up for hours. He's on board with making some changes. He's even agreed that if she wakes me up when she's got a flashlight, she's not getting ANY help from anyone. He'll just repeatedly remind her to go on her own, and if she pees the bed, it's her own problem.

sunshinex's picture

She was potty trained around 3 years old. She goes without help during the day all the time. She's also been in kindergarten for 2 years now... so it's odd that she's behaving like this when she's a school aged child, not a toddler!

I think DH is annoyed because I'm affected by it, but if I wasn't here, he wouldn't be too worried and he'd just keep helping her to be honest. I guess we're going to go with the flashlight/torch idea and if she still yells for help, she'll be reminded to use her light and not wake anyone up. If she does it again, she's on her own - we're just going to ignore, even if she wets the bed.

It feels so mean but I feel like anything else would be condoning the behaviour. I'm not giving her a potty or diapers because she's way too old for that.

sunshinex's picture

It crossed my mind to wake her up every time I have to pee tonight. I thought about yelling out for her, and if she doesn't wake up, going into her room, turning on the light, and saying "SD I NEED TO PEE I HAVE TO PEE SD WAKE UP"

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I get up to pee 3 or 4 times haha. It's immature but I can't say it didn't cross my mind Smile

moeilijk's picture

A few thoughts:

There is non-statistically significant evidence that drinking the equivalent of more than 16 cups of coffee a day *may* reduce baby birthweight by a very small amount. If you need caffeine, go for it. Sadly, it doesn't live up to its rep...

You will probably get better results being more concrete with SD. This is an area I'm not great in myself, so I work really hard at it. What might help guide you is knowing that kids don't have a realistic sense of time until age 7 or so - so 1 minute, 10 minutes, time to get up, time to sleep is not intuitive for them at all.

Example: Tell her, "Today we're going to practice going pee at night." Have her lie down on the bed while you are there, then show what she does when she has to go pee at night. Tell her, "SD, at night you don't have to tell anyone, you can do it by yourself. I know you can do it because you do it in the daytime, and you're very good at it. Show me how you will do it at night time." Practice 4-5 times... probably for about a week or so.

If she's shouting at night, then whoever is doing the parenting needs to bring it in the middle of the night as well. Out of bed, down the hall, open her door - "SD, you're making a lot of noise. Is everything ok? Oh, you need to pee? Well, you're a big girl now, and you've been practicing. You can go pee on your own. Tomorrow at breakfast you can tell me what a good job you did." And leave. Let her howl... you weren't going to sleep through the yelling anyway, and you've set a boundary.

It could be that even after she knows better, she doesn't always do better. They don't always have the self-control we wish they did.... but we can remind them that it's expected.

Another example: She doesn't really understand the effect her behaviour has on other people. Of course you should explain it, but it's not rudeness the way an adult would be being rude by behaving disruptively and refusing to apologize. It's good to explain the effect of her behaviour on you - "SD, I really appreciate you going pee on your own in the night. I get to sleep really well which gives me good energy for playing with you in the daytime." "SD, you made a lot of noise in the night when you had to go pee, so I didn't get a good rest. That's too bad because I won't be able to play as much today."

Another example: If the bottom line is that she's not allowed to make noise, then that is what needs to get addressed in the middle of the night. (I am not assuming that that is your rule though.) The next morning is way too late (think training a dog, lol). And also, her apology should be tied to her behaviour, not to your level of frustration. "SD, you're making a lot of noise and waking me up. You've practiced going pee quietly at night many times, so I really don't like all that noise. I'd like you to apologize for making so much noise.... Great, apology accepted and now you can start fresh and go pee quietly and I'll go back to bed. Good night."

sunshinex's picture

Yeah I usually limit myself to one coffee a day but today i'm already on 2 cups and I've still got a couple more hours left at work lol

These are some good ideas though. Thank you!

still learning's picture

I would be so mad if any of my kids had done this. They would have had an age appropriate chore for waking everyone up. When they were younger and did something that brought *bad energy* into the house they had to do a chore to clean that energy up. Silly I know but it taught the lesson and made the house cleaner too.

Consider doing this:

No liquids 3 hours before bedtime
Reinforce that if she has to get up to pee she does it quietly
Every night that she pees quietly she gets a star and you all do the potty dance. Woo hoo!
Leave the hall and bathroom light on and make sure she has a night light.
Wear ear plugs!
Make DH get up and deal w/any issues and have him do it quietly so you can sleep.

Sleep as much as you can now because once baby comes you may not get the chance.