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To speak or not to speak

HappyHome's picture

I had a little slip-up today. DH was being ornery over nothing with me so I asked the forbidden question:

ME: Have you recently spoke to SD? (knowing he had a phone convo with her last night)
DH: Why? What do you mean?
ME: You are angry today, not sure why, and I was wondering if you spoke to her. Seems like you're always mad at me after you talk to SD.
DH: No! What are you talking about? That's not true!
ME: When you got home from visiting her for a week, you gave me the silent treatment for 2 weeks after that. Just wondering if there was any connection.
DH: **Silence**
ME: Maybe SD is saying bad things about me, maybe you are saying bad things about me to her?
DH: No, she doesn't! I don't! What are you talking about? She asked how you were feeling!! She asked how your mother was feeling!!
ME: Nevermind (smiling sweetly)

These kind of conversations get me nowhere. I know that. I just couldn't help myself this morning. Lovely that SD asked DH how I was feeling. God forbid she should be decent or kind to me unless he could hear her. I guess that's why I never get a phone call.

hatesteplife's picture

Truth is, he might be ornery at you because he spoke to SD. A lot of times spouses will take out their frustrations on us because we will forgive them when their wonderful offspring won't. Much easier to just disengage and not even ask. Be your sweet self and ask why he's treating you poorly today.

Rags's picture

The more wrong or guilty they are ... most people increase their adamant defense and get louder.

DH has missed this nearly universal truth of human behavior apparently.

SugarSpice's picture

when fathers are treated like crap by their own children they kick he nearest person, their own wives.

i dont tolerate the pouty silent treatment if his children treat him like crap. they are all growing up, having families of their own. i would truly not be surprised if my dh moved out of state to be with one of his children. like a little tag along no one wants while he smiles waiting for attention.

sandye21's picture

Get cranky back and leave him to wallow in his own misery until he chooses to change his outlook.

AVR1962's picture

My husband too goes silent but rather than trying to get out of him what is going on like I used to I leave him to his own thoughts. I think we got in such an unhealthy habit there for awhile that I was always going to him to talk and try to get him to open up. These men are grown and have a responsibility to assume their own thoughts and feelings. They also have a responsibility to others to communicate effectively and if the communication breaks down on their part it is not our fault. This was something I made a point to my husband. I don't need to know about his sons, don't care to know and we don't talk about them, it saves me a lot of hurt and anguish. I am not my husband's mother or care taker and I refuse to get involved with the issues he needs to deal with. If he wants to talk then that needs to be him to express what it is that he is dealing with. You see what I am saying? Try it, save yourself the heartache of the guessing game and trying to pull info.

Sammy3355's picture

AVR1962 - I agree with you totally. I never ask my DH anything regarding his children. Even when he goes in his silent thoughts when I know that he is in a situation, I never address it. Recently he had planned a day out with his son, they had planned it months in advance. It turns out that is the day my daughter has to go to University. They all need to register on that particular day as it is the first year of her course. The university is miles away and we are going to have to stay over night. I watched as he got silent, got angry with me then the world.

I realised his anger was because he had to cancel an appointment with his son for my daughter. This to his son would mean that he is showing preference to my daughter. This particular son is the most needy, difficult of the lot. He has made it very clear to me that he does not what a relationship with me of any sort. I in turn, have totally distance myself away. I know my DH was angry at the situation, however he change the university entry date, however he can change the father/son bonding date.

I did not ask a single question, I was not interested in what was wrong or how it was going to be solved. All I knew, was my daughter has worked very hard to get into such a prestigious university and we were going there to support her. I left him to deal with his demons and sipped my cool glass of wine. He is an adult after all. Smile